Who's the Real Todd? Chapter 28

Todd and Blair came down to a lot of activity in the kitchen as Addie and Sam were busy with pancakes, Jack had used the juicer and made fresh juice and Starr was feeding Hope. It was all very ordinary and comfortable. Todd had very few family meals to compare this to but he enjoyed being included. He gave his granddaughter a kiss and received a hug from her mother. The next thing he knew Addie was taking his elbow and sitting him down at the table. Sam came and asked if he wanted chocolate chips or bananas in his pancakes and Todd leaned over and whispered in his ear. Sam giggled and went and told his grandmother what Todd had whispered and she smiled and shook her head. Blair poured them both some coffee and sat down next to him, she smiled it seemed so right to just be there with family. She looked at Todd and realized he was actually enjoying the time too. He was so much more comfortable with the whole family scene now than he used to be. Jack had passed around the juices and sat down next to his dad a fact that didn't go unnoticed by Todd. Todd raised an eyebrow but didn't say any more than "Thank You" when the juice was put down. Sam began passing around the pancakes until everyone had their plates but Todd. Then he brought Todd his plate and it was covered in chocolate chips and bananas you could hardly tell there were pancakes there. Starr, Blair, and Jack looked at it stunned. Blair said shocked "Todd!"

    

He looked at all of them and smiled. "What? I love chocolate and bananas, sue me." They all laughed and dug in.

After breakfast Todd headed into the sitting room to try and find a quiet place where he might be able to sit and have a chat with Samuel. He still had a slight headache from yesterday's attack and he was beginning to believe that was exactly what it was. His brain had been attacked by something, but he needed to talk to Samuel to see if he agreed with that theory. He settled into a chair nestled in the corner and was just about to go inside his head when Jack walked into the room. When their eyes connected Jack walked over obviously wanting to chat. Todd merely waited, Jack was there for a reason and Todd would give him whatever he needed from him.

"Umm, I just wanted you to know I'm not mad anymore. I believe you're sorry and I want you to know I don't want you to die. Mom was really worried last night. I guess we can give this thing a chance, I mean this getting to know you thing. That's all I guess." Jack started to walk away and then turned back " I really am sorry about Shane's mom."

Todd stopped him before he walked too far."Jack, thank you. But before you leave, you better hear what I'm going to say. You might take it all back."

Jack turned back to his dad and realized that this was going to be a serious talk. His shoulders slumped, he knew what his dad was going to talk about.

It was obvious that Jack had figured out where the talk was going but Todd knew he had to go there. "Jack sit down. You know what this is about. I think you expected it or you wouldn't have even mentioned it. Being sorry for what you did isn't going to cut it. I know that right now Tea and Manning are doing everything in their power to get you out of this mess. Tea will try and do it by the book but I'm sure your dad Manning won't. Because of the circumstances and the people involved I'll bet Manning already has figured out an angle to get you off scot free. I'm helpless to stop that. At this stage of the game, I have no legal say in the matter. But you need to understand something. Getting off for a crime you've committed isn't the end of it. You might get free from the prison sentence, but you'll never be free of your involvement in Gigi's death. There will always be people who'll know what you did. I'll know and so will your Mom, your sister, Tea and Manning not to mention your friend who did it with you. Last but not least Rex and Shane will know what you did. You can bet Rex and Shane will never let you forget. It's going to eat at you the rest of your life. There's really only one way for you to find some relief for the guilt you feel. You're going to have to find some strength within and admit you did it and take the punishment. Now I can't make you do that and neither can your mom, but we hope and pray you'll do the right thing in the end. I don't want you to end up like me. I have many enemies and very few friends because I took the easy way out when I was younger. My sins have caught up with me. Don't let it happen to you." Todd looked at his son, not sure if any of his words really got through to Jack.

Jack had been listening but when his dad said he should take the punishment Jack felt his stomach tighten. "I can't do that, Dad, I'm just a kid, How come you want me to go to jail. I thought you loved me. My other dad doesn't want me to go to prison. He says he'll do everything to keep me out of there, now you tell me you and Mom think I should go there. Are you crazy!"

Todd closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He was hearing his own words thrown back into his face. He knew the fear racing through Jack at the thought of going to prison and he remembered the lengths he had gone through to stay out himself. His hand went to his cheek as he remembered the terrible things he had done hitting out at everyone else and blaming them for his crime. None of it had helped in the long run. He had ended up in prison hating the world and himself equally. It had taken the belief of a young woman to see the small sliver of good he had in him, and that belief had eventually allowed him to see that he wasn't all bad and could possibly redeem himself. "Jack please, I'm not crazy. I know you're scared of jail and what it means. The punishment is necessary if we're to save the real you. There's a boy in you that would never have hurt someone the way you did. He's the one who cried for Shane and his mother. But there's another boy who's selfish and thinks only of himself and what people can do for him. He's arrogant and has no time for sympathy for fools, he's shallow and fear drives him more than anything else. Fear of not belonging, fear of being alone, fear of not being loved. That boy will do anything to stay out of jail. Is that the boy you want to be because that's the one I'm seeing and it's tearing me up inside. I was once that boy and I learned the hard way that that's a life that leads only one place. Hell." Todd choked unable to say anything else as his heartbeat started escalating. Todd knew he needed to finish this conversation with Jack but he sensed he might be in trouble. "Jack go get your Mom now!"

Jack saw his father turn white as a ghost and knew something bad was happening. He turn and went yelling from the room "Mom, quick!"

Blair met her son in the hallway, "Jack what is it?"

"It's dad!" Jack said urgently.

"Oh God!" Blair rushed to the sitting room and found Todd struggling to breathe. He was still conscious but barely. Feeling his pulse she felt it racing, no telling what that was doing to his heart. "Jack go get me a lunch sack from the kitchen. Don't ask questions just do it. Tell Momma to call 911" She loosened Todd's collar and said. " Todd, you're having one of your panic attacks, you need to slow your breathing." Jack arrived back with the sack and Blair held it in place over Todd's mouth and nose. With Jack's help, they got Todd down on the floor. Checking his pulse, she knew Todd was still in trouble.

Todd's breathing began to slow down but Todd showed no signs that things were getting better. Todd was able to focus a little bit and saw Blair above him "Blair, I'm afraid. Didn't get chance to make it up to you. Sorry" he clutched at his chest as pain started radiating out. "I love you." Darkness and pain took him.

The EMTs came into the room and saw Blair beginning CPR. "How long mam." She backed away to give them room. " It just happened. Hurry! It can't be too late!"

Todd felt like hell, everything hurt. By the sounds around him, he realized he was back in the hospital again. This had to be some sort of Cosmic Joke. He couldn't seem to get away from the place. Maybe this was his own personal hell. Somehow or other, he was still alive. "Really God, What is this? You going to keep bringing me back till I get it right." His mouth felt like it was full of paper it was so dry. "Hey Samuel, guys, are you still with me?"

"Yeah, we're all here you idiot. No thanks to you. You don't need to take the punishment for your son. Stop beating yourself and us up." Pete sarcastically replied.

"Hi Pete, sorry just can't help myself, don't know what you're complaining about I'm the one lying here hurting."

"Not funny Todd. You go, we all go. I'm not ready to die."

"Obviously I'm not either Pete, so relax."

"Pete, give him a break. You know the kind of shape we're in and he didn't ask for what Lawrence did to us any more than you did. Besides, I think we need to keep our anger directed at the one really responsible and that's Hesser." Samuel interjected.

"Thanks Samuel, you're right. Hesser's the one we're going after and don't worry Pete, you're going to get to play too. I guess I should see if everything still works, talk to you guys later." He figured he had stalled long enough, time to see who was probably hovering. He slowly opened his eyes taking in the fact that the lights in the room were dim. That was good, his headache was still with him too, he didn't need the lights to aggravate that. He heard someone talking outside his vision range.

"Blair," huh, that had the strength of a two day old kitten. Once he was out of here he was hitting the gym. He was tired of this body. He could beat this heart thing, he had always managed to beat everything else. Blair came into view and then he saw Vicki, Starr and Jack also join her. "Water please." Blair held the cup and he sipped finally wetting his mouth and feeling it coolly slide down his throat."Thank You." That was better, much stronger. "I guess it wasn't the big one after all. Huh. We've got to stop meeting like this." it warmed his heart to see them all there, especially Jack.

Vicki smiled,"Yes well I was in here visiting Clint.  I figured what the heck might as well check on my brother, I'm already here."

As nonchalant as she sounded Todd knew she had been worried about him. He grinned "Gee Thanks Sis, never let it be said I don't try to make things convenient for you."

Jack looked from his aunt to his dad. He didn't understand.  Aunt Vicki had been very upset when she had seen his dad arrive at the hospital but now she was acting like it was nothing and his dad's response was equally baffling. "But Dad, you don't understand she was really worried." Jack said.

Vicki laughed and hugged her nephew. Todd smiled at his son. "I know Jack, She just didn't want me to be worried." he grinned again at his sister. Theirs was a relationship like no other in his life. It had started out rough but had developed into something so close it was hard to imagine they were only half siblings. " I take it I'm going to live, so everyone just give me a minute to get dressed and we'll get out of here." At the looks on all their faces you would have thought he had turned into an alien. "Seriously, I'm not staying another night."

"Todd, hold on, you might want to rethink that."

Todd closed his eyes at Samuel's voice, "Okay you got my attention, why do I want to stay in the hospital."

"You remember what happened yesterday afternoon during my session with Ray. I think there is more going on then just some command to forget. Yesterday's attack was the worst I ever encountered I don't think the cause was subliminal, I think it was man made. If I'm right then something might have been implanted in our brain to keep us from remembering. You need to get a doctor you can trust to order a scan but it has to be done so that Carlo's people at the hospital don't suspect. If they take you for a heart scan but scan your brain instead chances are you'll be able to find out what's going on. I think we can trust the heart doctor and the one who helped you recover from the poison. You and Blair need to talk to them and get their help."

Todd opened his eyes to concerned looks once more. He turned his gaze to Blair and said. "I'm sorry, I promised I give you a heads up the next time I was going to do that, but Samuel caught me by surprise." Looking at everyone else Todd said . "My apologies, after talking things over with Samuel, he feels I need to be more cautious. So I've had a change of heart. I think I will stay a while longer, I want to have a good heart to heart with my doctor." The shock on everyone's faces was hysterical, Todd tried but couldn't stop from laughing. "You should see your faces. Am I really that stubborn it surprises you when I change my mind?" Altogether as one they said "Yes!" causing Todd to roar with laughter only to have to stop as his chest caused him some discomfort. "Ouch"

Blair smiled and said "Serves you right. See you're not ready to go home yet even if you wanted to. The Doctor has ordered some tests to see what this latest attack has done."

Todd got serious. " Blair, I need to talk to the doctor before he has those tests done, it's important."

Blair knew something was up. There had to be a reason for Todd's urgency. Turning to the other three in the room, Blair said "Vicki why don't you and the kids go get something to eat. I'm going to track down that doctor for Samuel." She looked over at Jack " Remember Jack, here in the hospital you dad is Samuel Toddman, you can't forget. There are people in this hospital that are keeping an eye on him. Now go with your Aunt Vicki, I'll come find you after I find the doctor." She turned back to Todd once the others had left. "Oh my God Todd this one almost took you!"

Todd nodded, "I know, but for some reason I keep getting these extra chances. Blair I'm serious about talking to the doctor. Samuel thinks the pain he and I experienced was more than mental. He believes something might have been inserted into my brain. Since Carlo has eyes and ears here, Samuel thinks we can get a scan done under the radar if we can get the doctor to agree to two scans done at the same time. Go see if you can find him and the one who saved my life after I was poisoned. Those are the only two we dare trust right now. Between the two of them I think we can pull this off "

"Todd, wait a minute. I know the perfect Doctor for this and he's still got privileges here at the hospital." Blair exclaimed. "I know he'll help us especially if he hears the whole story. He's still part of Vicki's Family, let me call him."

"Wait a minute Blair, do you really think we can trust him?" asked Todd " Who is it?"

"Todd, it's Larry Wolek. He knows your history. If you tell him everything I'm sure he'll be willing to keep all this a secret. He knows just how treacherous Carlo is."

Todd thought about it, Blair was right Larry was definitely someone they could trust. He was part of their extended family since his son was Vicki's nephew. Also Larry had always been straight with him. "Do it Blair get him here, but we need to do it quickly and I still need to talk to my heart doctor."

Blair left to go find the doctor and to call Larry. Meanwhile Todd laid there thinking. Before the attack, he had been talking to Jack and he wondered it anything he had said had gotten through to him. If he hadn't gotten his point across, then he knew his stress level was going to continue to rise as he watched Jack head down the path of least resistance. A path that was certain to lead his son into making more bad choices and turning more and more into a ruthless and amoral man like his grandfather. Todd was not going to let the old man succeed in destroying his son. Not while he was still alive. Damn it, but his chest still hurt.  What had they done beat on it?  He closed his eyes wondering if there was time to talk to Samuel but then he heard footsteps and knew Samuel would have to wait. He opened his eyes to find Blair and the doctor standing over him. Blair nodded at him and he knew Larry was on the way.

"So Doc, I'm still here. How many more of these can I take?" asked Todd.

"Frankly Mr. Toddman I'm surprised you are here. You were quite a challenge this time. You flat lined three times before you stabilized. I told Ms. Cramer here that we need to do another scan of your heart but she informs me there is a need to delay and that you would explain it all. Perhaps you would do so now." asked the doctor.

"We're waiting for one more doctor so we only have to explain this once." said Todd and just then Larry came walking through the door.

"Blair, I came as soon as you called. What's this emergency and who is Samuel Todd..." Larry stared stunned by the man lying on the bed in front of him. "My God." He turned to Blair "What's going on?"

"Larry let me explain, I believe you two gentlemen are familiar with each other." Todd stated. Larry and Todd's doctor nodded. "Good then I'll start by letting you know you're not seeing things Larry, It's me. Doctor if you would be so kind to fill Larry in on my condition after I tell both of you my story, it would save considerable time. Please Doctor, if you'll sit for a moment and you too, Larry." The doctor was curious just what was going on so he took a seat and Larry followed suit. "Larry, I've been in town for months but because of the very obvious fact that there is a Todd Manning currently residing here it was necessary for me to remain Samuel Toddman. It's too long a story for right now. I'm in here right this minute because I recently had a heart attack. In fact I've had a number of them since returning. The good Doctor here has been managing to keep me alive but it hasn't been easy. What you don't know Larry, is there have already been two attempts on my life, one of them right here in the hospital."

Larry looked at both Blair and the other Doctor. He saw their nods and knew this story was headed somewhere dangerous. "Go on Samuel, tell me the rest," said Larry.

Todd smiled and realized that Larry was still as smart as he remembered. By calling him Samuel, Larry had figured out that it was important to keep his identity under wraps. "I'll get to the heart of the matter. Eight years ago, I was experimented on by a doctor calling himself Ivan Kipling. At least I'm pretty sure that is his name. He and another gentleman, Carlo Hesser, were working on a top-secret project and they needed guinea pigs. Todd Manning and I were their subjects. The tests and experiments performed on me are the reason my heart has sustained so much damage Doctor, but I have reason to believe that the actual experiment was some form of brain manipulation and it is also my belief that something might have been inserted into my brain as part of the manipulation."

The Doctor spoke up, "Mr. Toddman, surely you're joking. I never heard of such things. That is pure science fiction."

Larry spoke up, he had been listening intently ever since Kipling's name had been mentioned, "Actually Doctor it's not far fetched at all. Samuel, I have a question, You say you're not sure it's Dr. Kipling. Do you have any memory what this Doctor looked like."

Todd looked at Larry curiously. The reaction from his heart doctor had been expected but Larry's reaction surprised him. "Yes Larry, unfortunately remembering him has caused some serious nightmares recently."

"Would you mind describing him to me?" asked Larry

"Very well, he's an elderly gentleman with white hair and mustache but when he looks at you, you feel you're staring at a cobra ready to strike. He has one extraordinary feature no one could forget. He has a black.."

"Metal Hand." Larry finished.

Todd was shocked. "How did you know?"

"Let's just say he and I go way back. Samuel, the man you described is indeed Ivan Kipling and yes he is very capable of brain manipulation. You say you believe something might have been inserted into your brain. Why?" asked Larry.

"Yesterday in the middle of a therapy session where I was trying to remember some of the events that transpired at the facility, I was suddenly incapacitated by this excruciating pain in my head that almost knocked me out. For the better part of the afternoon and evening, I was assaulted with memories and pain like I've never had before. I believe something man-made was inserted into my brain to keep me from remembering. This is why I need both of you to help me."

Todd turned to his doctor. "Doctor, you know someone has tried to kill me. They have people working in this hospital while we speak and they are watching my every move. Doctor although I'm Samuel Toddman now. Eight years ago I was Todd Manning. The people that are watching me do not realize I have my memory back and we're trying to keep it that way. I know you're thinking I'm crazy but do you believe Dr. Wolek is crazy because he'll tell you that I am who I say I am. The man currently living my life is not Todd Manning but because of the experiment he was given my memories and placed here in my place. I've been told he, too, has been suffering headaches and it's my guess if we find something in my brain there might also be something in his. You want to perform a cat scan on my heart to find out how much more damage I sustained and that's fine, but I need a cat scan of my brain to determine if there is something there. I can't bring any other doctors in on this because I have no idea who I can trust."

He turned back to Larry Wolek. "I trust you. You've always been square with me. Will you order the scan under another name and will the two of you keep this to yourselves. No one but you can read the second scan, Larry.  If Carlo's spy hears about the brain cat scan, we'll lose our one chance to get ahead of him finally."

The cardiologist looked skeptical and turned to his colleague. "Dr. Wolek, I trust you. Is Mr. Toddman telling the truth? Is this whole fantastic tale possible? I know he's right about being poisoned while he was here but this tale is amazing. I need to know these aren't just the delusions of an oxygen-starved brain."

Larry looked at Todd. He remembered a lot about Todd and knew that Todd was capable of many things but there had been something about his story that rang true. Before he agreed to take Todd's word on the whole matter he wanted to check on one thing. "Todd, you said you were in a therapy session yesterday. Would you be willing to let me talk with your therapist before giving you my answer?"

Todd nodded. "His name is Ray Martino. I'm sure you remember him. Blair can call him for you or if you don't trust her I'm sure you can find the number easy enough." Todd wasn't happy about pulling Ray into this but he knew Larry would remember Ray."

Larry said, "I'll let Blair make the call, I remember him. If he backs up your story then I'm on board, Todd. Doctor if you'll give me a moment to consult, I'll give you my answer to your question." Blair called Ray and told him briefly what was going on, after putting Todd on to give Ray permission to speak to Larry, she handed the phone over to Larry.

Larry took the phone and walked over to talk privately with Ray, after a few minutes he came back and handed the phone back to Blair. "Todd, you surprise me. I never thought you would ever accept help from a therapist, but what Ray told me is amazing. He gave me a complete description of yesterday's event and I think the event itself warrants the cat scan for purely medical reasons. I'm concerned with the longevity of the pain you described and the aftereffects. Doctor, even if you find the story fantastic you know he's telling the truth about the attempt on his life. If there is the slightest possibility that ordering the cat scan by the usual channels would endanger his life then I think we have to consider his wishes to keep it secret and confidential between the four of us. Do you agree, Doctor? If you wish to be taken out of the loop I understand. As ex-Chief of Staff, my privileges at this hospital are up to date and I could take Mr. Toddman as my own private patient, but I would really appreciate all of your input as to the condition of his heart since that is your expertise. Do you help me keep this man alive, fantastic story and all, or do you excuse yourself from his case?"

Todd's doctor looked from him to Dr. Wolek and said. "Mr. Toddman is my patient and as I've seen him this far I see no reason to excuse myself as his doctor. Since you believe that medically he needs a brain scan then by all means we should perform one but if Mr. Toddman is correct about the possibilities of people in this hospital that would hurt him if they found out about the scan, then most certainly we should proceed with extreme caution. I will help. Mr. Toddman, but I want this understood. There will be no more secrets. The stress you've been under maintaining this charade has put an inordinate amount of pressure on you. We have to find a way to make your life less stressful not the other way around. Will you promise to work on that?"

Todd breathed a sigh of relief, both doctors were on board, he felt a weight lift off his chest. He nodded in agreement.

The Doctor said. " Fine, Dr. Wolek and I will be right back as soon as we make the necessary arrangements. By the way Mr. Toddman, I'm changing your diet. There will be no more chocolate chip banana pancakes in your future. Do you understand?" he turned and left followed by Larry.

Todd looked at Blair and together they roared with laughter.

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Chasing the Monsters: 44 (adult)

Blair had just finished putting down the children for bed.  Sam was tucked in, and had just finished a painting of Mixie.  Jack was in his room, with his earbuds in, working on homework.  Jewel was in her crib, and Ray was down for the night.  She surveyed each of the children, and marveled at how different they were from each other, yet the same.  They were part of she and Todd, even Sam, who had become like their natural child.  She sighed, and went to their room.  

Her plan was to run a bath for them, in the hot tub, and put candles around the outside.  It had been a long day, and both of them were tired and needing some quiet time.  She'd already arranged with Jack to be on call for the kids, giving Bitsy a rest from it, and he promised to keep one ear bud out in case he was needed.  She'd moved the baby monitor into Jack's room, and went to the master bedroom.

In the bathroom, she arranged their favorite scented candles around the tub, and lit them.  She ran the hot water into the tub, filling it slowly, sitting on the edge, and running her hand in the water, gently, imagining what it would be like in a short time, with them in the tub, him strong and sleek against her.  She planned to make love to him all night and make him forget.

The tub almost filled, she went and changed into a white nightie and robe, one that she had kept for years.  She was sure he would remember it.  She brushed her hair, and replaced her hairbrush, before checking in the mirror to make certain she looked perfect for him.  For a moment, she could not believe how far they had come, from two losers in a bar, to the family they had made.  She smiled, and went to find him.

***

Timothy finished dumping the last of an old bottle of vodka into the sink and ran the water after it.  He'd spent the evening deep in thought, mostly about Pamela.  A life wasted, another part of Peter's legacy.  He went back to the living room, and began to shut all of the lights, to prepare for going up to sleep.

He knew he wouldn't be able to rest, but he'd act the part anyway, dressing in comfortable clothing, lying down and shutting all of the windows and lights, and closing his eyes.  Somehow he knew that he would be seeing Pamela, on the tile floor in her modest home, in a pool of blood that surrounded her by a foot on each side.  He swallowed.  "Everyone makes their choices, Timothy," and he went to the far side of the room to shut the last small lamp.  

As he shut the desk lamp, almost completely darkening the room, he heard a knock at the door.  Puzzled, he went to it, and asked who it was.  When he got no response, he almost walked off, when he heard it again.  This time, he peeped through the hole in the door, undid the locks and pulled the door open, letting out a small laugh. 

"You're laughing.  I suppose that's a good sign.  May I come in?"  Dorian said.

***

"Todd, are you . . ." she stopped outside the Sun Office door when she heard something unrecognizable, at first.  His chair was turned facing the wall, and as she realized what it was, she also knew that the tape player was either on his lap or in his hands.  Either way, she couldn't see it, she could only hear it, a small voice saying something, then a click, and a rewind, and repeat. 

Her heart leaped in her chest, as she went closer, nervous to startle him.  

The tape player sound became clearer as she got into the room.  "Please, send someone to help my Momma and me, he's hurting her . . ." and then, a man's voice, "Go and hide somewhere safe, we'll be right there," and he would stop, rewind, and repeat.  Again.  And again.   A little boy's voice.  Her man's voice, from the past.  A stranger's voice, promising help.  Again.

Her heart was pounding.  She said, "Todd?" and walked closer.  His back still toward her, he ignored her words, and continued with the pattern.  She finally reached him, and put her hand on his head, drawing her fingers down his hair, and he didn't move.  Instead, he continued to play and replay the tape, until she crossed in front of him, and crouched before his chair.  She rested her hand on his and said, softly, "Stop."

His face was streaked with anger and tears.  She repeated, "Stop, My Love," and held his hand in hers.  Without much force, she was able to stop him from rewinding again, and she took the tape player from him, gently, standing up to put it behind him on the desk.  He raised his eyes to her as she stood over him, and then pulled her toward him, his face resting against her abdomen, and she held him, stroking his hair.

***

"It's been a difficult day, Dorie.  If ya've come to hash out old wounds," he said, and she interrupted by putting her fingers to his lips.

"No, I know, what you've been dealing with, at least some of it.  I just came to . . . be a friend.  That's all," she said, moving her fingers away from his mouth.

"A friend," he began, "is just what I need, to be honest."

"What happened?" she asked, walking to the couch.

He sat beside her.  "A woman, a friend's wife, killed herself.  I found her, dead.  Never thought something like that could have a grand effect on me."

"Oh my God, that's horrible."

"She cut her wrists and bled all over the floor, to death, mind ya."

"That's . . . horrific.  No one should have to die that way, or see it, either."

"It was bad enough that I had trouble sleeping.  I came back here instead.  Of course, I'm worried about Todd as well, but that's a different story, and something to keep out of our discussions, at least for now."

"No.  If you need to talk about that, you can rely on me.  I'm here for you."

"There are tapes, of Todd as a child, calling the police for help."

She closed her eyes and shook her head.  "Oh my God.  You didn't hear them?"

"Yes, I heard them.  It was . . . heartbreaking," he said, clearing his throat.

She looked into his sullen face, and noticed a single tear.  She leaned forward and kissed his eyes, one at a time, and before she was done, he put his hand at the back of her head and pulled her to him, kissing her mouth, deep and passionately.

***

Todd woke up, lying between his wife's legs, his pants still around his ankles.  He'd fallen asleep against her breasts, and she'd fallen into dreams under him.  He thought back to what had just happened between them, and closed his eyes, remembering:  

She'd been holding him, against her, and he was steeped in hateful helplessness from hearing the tapes, when he was suddenly overcome by need.  He had run his hands up her thighs, lifting the nightgown, and exposing her bare belly and breasts, and ravished them with his mouth and tongue.

He remembered hearing the rush of air that escaped her mouth as he pushed her back against the wall, and went to his knees in front of her, caressing her body forcefully with his tongue, as if desperate.  He could still feel her hands in his hair, and all he wanted to do was feel something other than pain.  He was instantly hard and stood at attention against his lower abdomen.  He could feel his own pulse was beating inside him, and he ached, stiff.

If I tell myself it never happened; if I tell myself I was never Peter's son. . .

Then, he'd done something he rarely did; he'd taken her, roughly, against the wall, simply standing up and moving inside her, in one stroke, and pounding all his feeling into her body.  She didn't complain; on the contrary, he felt her respond from the very first second, and her three orgasms proved he'd pleased her.  But it was different, hard, harsh, even dirty, and though he pleasured her, he didn't like what motivated it.  In this lovemaking was anger, rage, and he had worked for years, countless times, to keep it out of their lovemaking.

What if she leaves me?  What if she's afraid of me?

Without him noticing her eyes opening, she moved, and spoke.  "Todd?  It's all right.  I love you."

She knows me, hears my thoughts. 

"I love you, Blair," he said, and lifted himself off her, to look at her face.  She smiled, and touched his cheek.  He said, "I just needed you."

"I know, and I was there.  That's the whole point, Todd.  I've needed you before, to forget or just escape or make it not hurt.  We're married.  We're half of each other.  And it's all right."  She looked into his eyes, "I'm not afraid.  I've never been afraid of you, except maybe once."

"The night I found out you lied about the baby.  Our first, who died."

"Yeah.  I think that was the only time I was physically afraid of you.  But you've scared me other times, worse.  Sometimes, you would scare me with your intensity, and your hate when you couldn't deal with your love for me.  Now, you scare me because you know me, more than anyone, and you make me feel good the way no one can, and everyday, I know I can lose that.  That scares me most.  But I'm not afraid of you, Todd.  I love when you make love to me, I love when you romance me, I love when you fuck me, however you do.  Every time feels new and different.  Tonight, you were hurting.  There's no shame in that."

"Marry me," he said, nuzzling her neck and smiling weakly.

"I already did that, more than once."

"Then," he said, sitting up and putting his pants back on, "come with me," he held out his hand, and she took it.  When both were standing, he picked her up off the floor and carried her in his arms through the hallway to the master bedroom suite. 

She said, "You make me feel like royalty, Mr. Manning." 

"That's because you're Blair.  You're my queen.  Always," he said, going into the bathroom with her in his arms, and seeing the set up, he placed her down gently and stripped.  She did the same.  They climbed in, and she floated between his thighs, facing away from him.  He hugged around her waist, pulling her closer.  She rested against his chest, and she could feel his breathing and his heartbeat against her back.  The water took only minutes to reheat, and the candles were still burning, though some of them were spilling wax over onto the tub rim.

"If I'm your queen, you know what that makes you," she said, lifting his hand and kissing his knuckles.

"Court Jester?"

"No, and you always joke when you're hurting.  You're the King, then.  My King."  He kissed her, and she rested her head against his shoulder.  "We're so lucky, really.  We have so much.  All those things so many people just don't have."

"Yeah, Peter Manning, Dorian Lord, not to mention Victor Lord Sr., Carlo, Leona, Mitch and a bunch of others," he added.

"Now, stop.  We have Ray, and Jewel, Jack, Starr, Sam."

"And Hope."

"Right.  Hope.  Those are more important names."

She's given me everything.

"Thank you," he said.

"Thank you, too."

"Anything you want, you can have."

"All right.  I want the tapes erased, or thrown away.  Timothy has them, and that's enough, Todd."  He didn't answer.  She said, "You're not answering me," and closed her eyes for a moment, letting the hot, bubbling water ease her into a state of relaxation.

"I can't answer you, because I can't give you the answer you want.  But I'll think about it."

"Okay.  That's a step.  It's not healthy for you to be listening to that, over and over."

"Not healthy, but I did it.  Kept thinking I'd hear something.  Something to make it all go away."

"Let go, My Love.  You have to.  Sooner or later."  He pulled her closer, and she could feel him, excited, against her hip.  She turned to face him.  "Some things you have to let go of."

"And some things you never should," he said, meeting her mouth with his, and holding her head with his hands.

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Memories Unlocked #14

“Mr. Drake, go on, what happened next,” asked Li?

Li’s question brought Todd’s thought back to the children and he realized they were all watching him.  “Oops, sorry my mind must have wandered for a minute.  Now let me see where was I?”

“Kwan wanted to know if he could trust the dragon.” Said Li.

“That’s right.  Li, what do you think happened next?” Todd looked at his little friend.

Li shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Can anyone guess?” The rest of the children shook their heads no.

“I’ll tell you.”

The dragon roared angrily, “CAN YOU TRUST ME?” And he blasted the bushes steps away from Kwan. Then he turned his great swirling eyes on the boy. “If I had wanted to hurt you, I could have eaten you the first day you found me.  I didn’t because the girls helped me.  I give you my word and I’m honored bound to keep it.  Do you believe me?”

Kwan had felt the heat of the mighty blast and knew the beast was right.  If he had wanted to hurt them he could have done it many times.  “I believe you.  When my friends return we’ll begin.”

The rest of the children had actually become fond of the great beast and were eager to help Kwan.  Soon the boys had fashioned a leather boot and enforced it with bamboo shoots to give it stability.  The girls set to work weaving fine strips of leather scraps and made a harness to attach the boot to the beast’s leg and back.   Kwan stood back and looked at the massive boot they had produced.  

“It needs something strong to cover it.  The beast has scales covering his body, what can we cover the boot with that will work like scales?”

Lucia, the little girl who had initially wanted to help the beast, spoke up. “The crystal cave has many pieces of crystals just lying around.  We could cover the boot in those.  They are very strong.”  The children all agreed and went to the cave where they gathered many of the dark green, red and blue crystals covering the floor.  The next morning they took their creation down to the cove.

The dragon’s eyes widened as he saw the jewel encrusted boot the children brought him. It was a thing of beauty and his dragon heart swelled.   Never before had anyone gone to such trouble for him and then gifted him with such a treat. Dragons loved jewels and he was amazed the children were giving him so many.  He rolled onto his good side to give the children access to his leg.

Taking great care not to hurt the beast, Kwan and the boys put the boot on, then the girls used the harness they had woven to tie it securely to the dragon.  They all stepped back, watching the dragon and praying the boot would support him. The dragon took a deep breath and put his weight on the boot.  It worked.  He was finally able to stand once more.  The girls squealed, delighted that they had helped the great beast. Even Kwan and the boys cheered as he rose.  

The dragon looked around at the children that had aided him.  “Thank you all.  Now you need to move back.  I’ll need room to take off.”

The children did as he told them but then the girls realized he was leaving.  “Wait!” Shouted the little girl who had worked so hard to heal him.  “Don’t go, we want you to stay.”

The dragon turned his head and looked directly at her. “I must go.  I never had anyone care for me the way all of you did but I’m not a nice creature.  If your parents knew I was here they would try and kill me and I would have to hurt them.  For your sakes, it is best that I leave.”  To prove to the children just how dangerous he was, he blasted a tree with fire, just as he had done with Kwan.

The girls screamed.

“Now do you understand?”  The girl nodded, with tears in her eyes.  “Good,” said the dragon.  “Go on now, go back up the path, it’s time for me to go.”  The great dragon waited as the children ran for the path.  To his surprise, they didn’t leave but watched him from the top of the hill.  He unfolded his magnificent wings and slowly took a step.  The leg held and his steps became steadier as he headed down the beach and lifted off. He heard a sound coming from the top of the hill and realized the children were cheering.  He swooped down over them and nodded at them as they waved goodbye.  For the first time, the dragon was sorry he had to leave.  Even though he had tried to scare the children they still regarded him as a friend.  The great dragon flew away feeling the moisture leaking from his eyes, and he knew that he would always remember the children who had saved him.

Todd stopped talking and looked around at the children.  They were very quiet and then Blanca spoke up.  

“You’re leaving, aren’t you, Mr. Drake?”

Todd watched a single tear dropped down her cheek.  He rolled his chair closer to her and wiped the tear away. “Yes, I’m sorry.  You children have helped me so much, but I need to find out who I really am and from what I’ve already remembered, I’m afraid I might be a danger to you all.”

Blanca shook her head.  “No, you would never hurt us!  We love you.”  All the children nodded in agreement.

Todd choked back his own tears.  “And I love you.  But I have to do this.  I’m leaving tonight and I wanted to say goodbye to all of you.”  Blanca got up and gave him a fierce hug and suddenly all the rest of the girls came to do the same.  Li rolled his chair up to Todd and he held out his hand for Todd to shake.  Todd smiled and sincerely shook the small hand, knowing that Li didn’t want to appear all soppy like the girls.  The rest of the boys followed Li’s example.  Their goodbyes finished, Todd sent the children to their rooms. He had just closed the activity room for the night when the Code Blue alarm went off. He watched as the doctors now rushed down the hall and entered Lucy’s room.  He rolled closer to her room, and noticed the children had all come to their doors.  They were quiet and grave as they watched silently and waited for some sign that Lucy was going to be okay.

****

Starr slipped out of the bathroom and waited until the lady at the desk was busy with someone else.  She noticed a map on the wall and looked at it until she knew just where she needed to go.  Housekeeping was the closest to her so she headed down that hallway in a hurry.  She had to find her dad before her Mom found out she had left the hotel.  She rounded a corner and found herself in front of the housekeeping door.  She opened the door and found several ladies folding sheets and others getting buckets of water preparing to go out into the hospital. Starr looked around and saw a couple of men also helping but none of them were her father.

One of the ladies spotted her.  “Hey, are you lost?  You’re not supposed to be down here.”

“I’m looking for my dad.  Is Todd Barker here?”

The lady looked at her surprised and yelled back into the room. “Hey Todd, your daughter’s out here looking for you.”

A tall black man with gray hair came walking around the corner.” What daughter?  You all know I’ve been a confirmed bachelor since my Emma died.  I sure don’t have a daughter.” he drew up short as he spotted Starr.  Barker saw the sadness in the little girl’s eyes when she saw him.  His colleagues had started laughing at his words and he turned and glared at them. “Hush!”  He glanced back at the little girl.  “You were looking for someone else weren’t you?”

Starr nodded.

He knelt down in front of her.  “I’m sorry.  Why did you tell them I was your father?’

Starr shook her head.  “I didn’t.  I told them I was looking for my father and I asked if you were here.  I was told my dad was working at this hospital but the lady at the front desk said there were only two Todds working here and neither of you have my last name.  I thought maybe my father had changed his last name.”

“Why would he do that?”

“My mom and daddy had a big fight and she sent him away.  But he’s been gone so long and he swore he would never leave again.  He said he would always love me and then he did something wrong and disappeared. Mom’s been looking for him too.  We want him back but he doesn’t know it.  Then Mom found out he was here and we came to get him. but you’re not him.”  her voice trembled “I just thought maybe... “ She looked down at the floor discouraged.

Barker looked around, all of the other workers were standing listening to the child’s tale.  He knew they were as affected as he was by her story.   He reached and lifted her chin and looked her in the eyes. “Hey now, no need to look so glum yet. Didn’t you say there was another Todd working here?.  Maybe that’s your father.  Where does he work in the hospital?”

Starr brightened up, and gave a little smile.  She wasn’t done looking.  There was still the other guy she could check out.  “He’s supposed to work on the Children’s Ward.”

Barker frowned.  That was going to be a problem.  Children weren’t allowed on the wards unless accompanied by their parents.   “Is your mother here?”

Starr shook her head and crossed her fingers behind her back.  “She’s talking to some doctor but I didn’t want to wait.  Please, Pleassse, couldn’t you take me to the ward.  If I find Daddy, Mom will be so happy.”

Barker stood up rubbing the back of his neck nervously.  “I don’t know if I should.”

“Ah go ahead, Todd,” said the woman who had questioned Starr first, “You work here.  If anyone asks, just tell them you found her wandering the halls and thought she belonged on the Ward.”

Barker looked down at Starr. “Sure, let’s go see if your father is in that ward.” he held out his hand but Starr ducked under it and gave him a big hug.

“Thank you.  I know he’s going to be there, I just know it,“ Starr said happily.

Barker patted her shoulder and once again held out his hand and the two of them left in search of her father.

****

Blair was out of the cab the instant it stopped.  The whole ride from the hotel had been nerve-wracking.  All she could think of was the fact that Starr was wandering around in a strange city looking for her father.  Todd Manning, you better be here. Now your daughter is searching for you and she’s all alone.  If anything happens to her, I’ll never forgive you.  Blair hurried down the walk to the hospital entrance, praying that Starr was inside.

Sam paid the cab driver as James finished getting out. Then they hurried after Blair. “Blair, hold up.  Do you really think Starr came here?”

Blair slowed her steps and stopped, waiting for them. “She has to be.  I know the way my daughter thinks.  She overheard us talking about Todd.  So she must have heard about the doctor and the hospital.  She’ll want her father to explain.  I just know it.”  Blair tried not to let her anxiety show. Her hands were sweating and she ran them down the sides of her slacks.  Starr had a bad habit of going off on her own and now she was extra motivated because she so wanted to see her daddy, Please God, let her be here.  Blair pushed open the door followed by Sam and James and entered the hospital.  They all headed to the information desk.

“Excuse me, have you seen a little girl?  She’s blonde with hazel eyes and is 7 years old.” Blair held her breath  hoping the answer would be yes.

The woman looked up at the three visitors. “A little girl. What? Oh yes, you must be her mother.  She went to the bathroom, but she told me you were looking for her father.  Unfortunately, I wasn’t much help, we only have two Todds on staff and neither of them is named Manning.  I tried to tell her that and I’m afraid she was very disappointed.” The woman looked around.  “I thought she was coming right back, I’m not sure what’s keeping her.”  

Blair also looked around then asked. “Did you tell her where the other two Todds worked?”

“Yes, I did. “ The woman looked bewildered.

“Thank you, she probably went looking for them.  Where did you tell her she could find them?” Blair waited for an answer. She knew Todd worked on the Children’s Ward but Starr didn’t.  

The older woman sighed, “I never thought she would go looking.  That’s not good.  Children aren’t allowed on the wards without parents.”  She checked through her records again. “One of the gentlemen works in housekeeping and the other on the Children’s Ward.  I’m sorry  I hope you find her.”  

Blair took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, letting the tension evaporate.  Starr was in the hospital and now all they had to do was find her.  She needed to get to Starr first.  If Todd was indeed seeing another woman, she didn’t want him upsetting Starr again. Blair thanked the woman and turned to Sam and James.  “Look, we’ll split up.  Sam, you check the bathroom, James, you go check out the housekeeping department  and I’ll head for the Children’s Ward.  We need to find her before she sees Todd.”

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