Failings of the Fathers: 38

He readied himself for another visit.  It had been the same thing, day after day, seeing his mother staring off into nothingness.  In a strange way, he was not only sad for her, but he was slightly jealous.  He knew what the allure of the space inside was like.  He understood.

Standing outside her room, he paced.  His plan, this time, was to present her with some recent photos, hoping to jar her out of her own world.  He leafed through them:  Starr holding Hope on her lap; Jack and Jenna dressed for a night out; Sam holding his award and smiling broadly; Ray laughing at Mixie licking his cheek; Blair holding the baby against her own cheek.  Looking at them made him feel complete.  There was nothing else he needed, ever, except for his mother to be whole.

He walked in, and there she was, staring ahead into the distance ahead of them, over the lake at Mountainview.  It was a serene and beautiful place; the snow was not fully melted, but gave a patchwork look to the clearing.  The water was a mirror of very thin ice.  Today, there were two swans poised at one end of the lake, seemingly circling each other.  He said, "Momma?"

She didn't move.

He pulled a chair up next to hers, and turned her chair, gently, to face him.  Her eyes didn't connect with his.  She seemed to be looking over his shoulder.  "Momma, I brought you pictures."

He held up the first one, of Starr, in front of her face.  She made no move to look at it.  Her focal point, again, seemed to be somewhere on the wall behind him.  He knew that she was there, and likely wanting to come out but all the while, holding on fearfully to whatever was in that place.  He held up Jack and Jenna.  "A cute couple, right?  My son is pretty lucky.  She's a great girl.  She just completed a winter series for the gallery.  It's right next to your snow one, with the red mittens and scarf."

The same.

He held up Sam's to her.  "He is so proud of that plaque, you'd think it was made of gold.  He misses you, and asks for you every day."

She blinked.  That was all he noticed.  But, he also knew that blinking happened often, and might not mean anything else.  He took out the picture of Ray, and held it up for her.  "This guy is just a handful.  There's nothing else to say about him.  But he's happy, I guess that's what counts."

He saw her eyes move, and she slowly looked at the picture.  Todd felt his heart jump when he saw it.  She stared at the picture for a few minutes, and he remained silent.  He saw her eyes well up with tears, and then spill over onto her cheeks, but she still did not acknowledge him.  "Momma?"

She rocked.

"Momma, no, it's all right," he said, feeling desperately responsible.

She continued to rock, and he petted her hair.  "Please, Momma, don't cry."

After she rocked a few minutes, she fell toward him, and her head landed on his shoulder.  "Momma, I'm sorry," he said, softly.

When he moved her off his shoulder to look at her, she was gone, again, and staring past him.  His heart broke, and he squeezed his eyes closed, tightly, trying to force back his own tears.  No.  No, no.  Why did you push her?

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, and texted Ray.  Within a few minutes, Ray was there, standing bedside him, Todd holding his mother's limp hand.

"Todd, come on, you probably should go home."  Ray said.

"Did I make her worse?  Did I send her off to that place she loves forever?"

"No.  I don't think anything you did made it worse, and I don't think it's forever.  They very fact that she responded, in some way, means it's not permanent.  She's done this before, and frankly, Todd, you have as well."  Ray paused a moment, and Todd stood up, and faced him.  Ray said, "Why don't you tell me what went on, so I can shed some light on it?"

"I showed her photos, Starr, and Hope, the one of Sam with his plaque, you know, the kids."

"Which photo did she react to?"

Todd handed him the photo of Little Ray.  Ray said, "Ah, my namesake.  Well, it's quite obvious.  Let's go on out into the hall, Todd."

He followed the man who had been his therapist during some of the darkest times of his life.  When they got into the hallway, Ray sat on the bench, and Todd sat next to him.  Ray said, "It's pretty clear what happened, isn't it, Todd?"

Todd was surprised, at first, that Ray put it that way.  He said, "I'm . . . I'm not sure, Ray, I mean, help a guy out?"

"Look at this picture," Ray said.

"He's happy.   He's beautiful."

"Yeah, exactly.  Look closer."

"I don't know, he's just being a kid."

"He looks just as you did.  He has the longer hair, he's the spitting image of you."

"Yeah, poor kid."

"Todd, think about it.  Your mother saw you that age, and loved you, so much, like you love Ray.  And she saw you begin to be abused, and feels she didn't do enough.  She didn't save you."

"I'm all right, though.  I made it.  It took long enough, but I'm okay."

Ray put a hand on Todd's shoulder and smiled, "It's good to hear you say that, Todd.  But to her, it's about what she didn't do.  It's been a constant theme with her, and you know that."

"Yeah, I . . . just didn't think of it that way because . . . well, because I forgive her.  Heck, I never even blamed her.  She couldn't stand up to him.  No one really could."

"From what I hear, you did a mean job of it when you were fourteen."

He nodded.  "Okay, yeah.  But that was different.  Momma's no match for that violent bastard.  No woman is, really.  He got off on that.  No female could ever defend herself against that maniac.  It would either be to agree with him and be submissive, or face the real Peter."  He folded his hands together.  "She's so little, like Starr.  She just couldn't have done anything."

"She felt she could.  Let's face it, she could have called the police, Todd.  He was abusing you both.  That's what she's thinking."

"She was afraid."  Todd stood up, "If you saw our house, in Chicago, and the set up, you might understand."

Ray swallowed.  He said, "Now, I never said she was right in thinking this, but it is what she thinks, Todd."

He studied Ray's face for a moment.  "I know it is.  I . . . forgot how she might . . .I didn't mean to upset her."

"It's all right.  It's proven one thing.  She's not lost to you forever, Todd.  She's under treatment, she's responded today, for the first time.  Yes, it was sad for her, but it's something.  Just believe."  He walked off.

Todd looked down at the photos in his hand, and the one on top was his youngest son, smiling.  

***

Aiden got out of the bed, and Tina held under his arm.  He said, "Just a few steps with y'ar help, and I should be good as gold soon.  Then I can walk myself to the solarium with ya."

"All right," Tina said, "Just be careful and hang on until you're sure."

"I second that,"  Timothy said, "Ya have to be careful."

"There's no sun in the solarium at this time of night, though.  How about the cafeteria for snack?"  Tina offered, still supporting him.  She could feel that he was strong, and strong enough to be let go of.  Almost.

"Ay, that's a better idea, Tina."  Aiden said.

"Eric, will ya let me on the other side of ya?"  Timothy said.

"No need, Pappy.  I'm all right on my own, with Little Tina here.  Almost ready to let go and run over there and leave ya both in me dust."

"Let's not try that," Tina said.  She was fearful of him falling and getting injured.

"Nonsense," he said, and stopped, looking at both of them.  He gently took Tina's hand off his arm, and said, "See?  I can stand up perfectly well on my own."

"That's great, y'ar coming along fine."  Timothy said.

"Yes, I'm getting there, Old Man."

"Ya seem to be, that's for sure."  He walked behind his son and Tina to the cafeteria.

***

"Todd, what's wrong?"  Blair said, coming to meet him at the door.

"Just come here, okay?"  he said, and she folded into his arms.

"What is it?"

"Momma reacted."

She pulled back.  "She did?  My goodness, that's great, right?"

"Not exactly," he said.  She could see it on his face.  Something wasn't right.  He continued, "She saw a picture of Little Ray and broke down.  Of course, stupid me, didn't realize he looks just like I did when Peter starting kicking the crap out of me."

Blair gulped.  "But at least she's out of it."

"No, she's not.  She went back inside herself, after I tried to make her feel better."

Blair's face showed empathy for her husband and his mother, and she said, "Well, it's something.  Ray must have said that.  At least we know she can come back."

"Yeah, I guess.  So, what's new around here?"

"Your daughter, can now lift her head up by herself."

He smiled.  "She's growing up."

"Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but yeah, she's growing."

"Proud of her, and you."

"Why me?  I can lift my head, see?"  Blair teased.

"Proud of you for bringing her to us.  That's all."

Blair swallowed and softly said, "Well, you're welcome.  Thank you for putting her here," and she pointed to her belly, which had already returned to flat.

"Oh that was the easy part," he said, going in for a kiss, when Sam walked in.  

"Yeah, about that, I was always wondering . . ."  Sam said.

Blair moved her face away and Todd kissed the air.  "Uh, hello Sam, how are you doing?  Your dad's home!"

"Yep, Hey, Buddy!" he said scooping Sam up.  "How was your day?"

"Mine was good.  But when are you guys going to tell me how the baby gets in there?  I'm in third grade you know."

They looked at each other.  Blair said, "Well, your father will explain that to you very soon."

"Yeah," Todd said, after giving her a slightly mean look, "very soon."

"Like today?"  Sam asked.

"No, not today, because . . . well because . . .because it's Don't Talk About Babies Day."

Sam folded his arms, while still in Todd's.  "No it's not.  You just don't want to tell me."

"Well, I . . ." Todd said, stammering a bit.

"I think I know," Sam said.

"You do?"

"Yep."

"Okay, well, that's good."  Todd brushed it off.

"Wanna hear?"

"Well, not really, but . . ."

"Sure, Sam, go ahead and tell us,"  Blair said.  Todd shot her a look.

"Well, the daddy and mommy love each other very much," he began.

"Yeah?" Todd said, slightly grimacing.

"And then, they kiss and stuff."

"Okay, Sam," Blair said, "that sounds close enough."

"And then, they kiss more and hug and stuff and lie on the bed."

Todd put Sam down and started pacing in the kitchen.  "Sam, how about an ice cream cone."

"Maybe when I finish.  And then, the daddy does something to the mommy's heart because he loves her so much he wants to make more Mommy's."

Blair smiled, "Yes, he does, Little Man."

Sam said, "And then, the mommy cries happy, and closes her eyes and makes a wish.  And that's how the baby gets in."

"That's exactly right," she said, taking his whole face in one hand and kissing his cheek.  "You're a smart boy."

Todd was leaning on the refrigerator door, smiling, his arms folded.  "You're pretty darn amazing."

"Okay, but what about that ice cream?"  Sam said, smiling very broadly, and looking at his mother and winking.

"Don't push your luck."

***

After snack time, it was getting quite late, and Aiden, Timothy and Tina stood to leave the cafeteria.  "Yes, I ought to get back to the bed," Aiden said.  He was flanked on either side by his personal protectors, Tina and his father.  "No hard feelings, Malcolm, for before?"

"Uh, yeah, sure.  That's fine."  He was dismissive.  Timothy began to wonder if they weren't wrong, at least about him.

"What's this about?"  Miguel pried.

"Nothing, just an off-color remark," Malcolm brushed it off.

Timothy flushed.  If this is a terrorist, and fooling everyone, then why not be more apologetic, and try to rectify things?  No.  He's HURT, and being polite, as an Englishman would.  But he doesn't feel he owes us anything. . . and if he's not after my son, then he doesn't.

"Told you not to get involved," Calvin said, looking into a bowl of cereal.  It was his favorite night-time snack since he had been there.

Timothy looked at the man and his gaze lingered after the words left his lips.  Then he said, "Malcolm, if we've hurt y'ar feelings, in any way, I will take responsibility.  I am sorry, we didn't intend that."

Malcolm simply nodded, and picked up his tray to go and clear it.

Miguel said, "Well, looks like you did, Senor."

Timothy caught eyes with his son, who was tight-lipped and turning to go.  He did the same, following along his side.  Toward the door, they all put their trays in place, and then, as they turned to leave, Aiden began to stumble, and Tina, who attempted to hold him from falling, lost her grip on his arm and he tumbled to the ground.  "Oh!" she said, and went to the floor next to him.

Timothy, who was slightly behind them, did the same.  Both of them clamored around him, and just then, they saw another figure come into view.  It was Malcolm, who had turned back to see what the commotion was, and was at Aiden's feet.  "Aiden, wake up, now, my friend," they heard him call, and there were tension and distress in his voice.

Tina was crying, but she looked up at Timothy, and then to Malcolm, and sobbed, "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for.  You can't blame yourself for his fall," Malcolm immediately said, "or for anything else you've done to try and protect him."

Aiden's eyes fluttered open, and he just stared at the ceiling for a moment.  He reached his hand forward, to be met by Malcolm's strong one.  He said, "Help me up, Mate."

Malcolm did, with Timothy's assistance.  Finally Timothy spoke, "Son, are ya all right?"

"Dad, y'ar still here?"  he asked.

"Yes, Eric, I'm right beside ya."  He was puzzled, and so was Tina.

"Good then, that's a savage thing, the best."  Aiden said, grasping his father's hand awkwardly.  "Tina, put y'ar head on my shoulder, My Lady."

She did, slipping both her arms in his as well.

He said, "Perfect," staring off.

Malcolm, who still had one of his friend's hands, said, "You can't see.  You're blind, aren't you?"

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