Who's the Real Todd?: Chapter 20

"Great.  Now that we've got that settled, would you like another coffee or perhaps a drink, I could use a drink," asked Todd as he went to pour some drinks.

Ray shook his head. This was going to take some getting used to. He had never really been around what he would call a cheerful Todd.

"You're awfully quiet Ray, something bothering you?" Todd looked over questioning Ray as he got his glass and at Ray's nod poured a second one for him. He handed the drink to Ray and sat back down. "Alright spill."

"How do you do that? I've never seen a man turn on a dime like you just did," remarked Ray.

"What do you mean?" asked Todd. Then it dawned on him what Ray was referring to. "Oh that, it comes from years of practice talking to myself. Basically, I finally heard myself talking to you and realized how stupid and pathetic I was sounding and told myself to stop it. You're right, I can let this kill me or I can stand up and fight and take the initiative. I'm tired of letting my body call the shots. Everybody's been so worried I'll overdo it that I've started believing it too. I've been talking myself into the grave. They say the best defense is an offense so I'm going on the offensive. Hesser believes I'm Samuel. Well, he's going to see Samuel and Blair get ready for a Wedding but all the time we're planning, we'll also be working with Bo and Manning and the reporters at the Sun to find and locate him. I want to get to the bottom of my nightmares and work through the memories Samuel and I share, that's where you come in. And as for my periods of lost time, I'll live with that unless it gets dangerous because Pete has found a way to get loose. You've helped before, I'm trusting you to help me through this too." Todd actually felt good for the first time in a long time and he smiled at Ray.

This was a different man in every way possible then the man who had sat before him a few hours ago. The self-confidence just oozed out of Todd.  Ray didn't want to put a damper on Todd's mood but he resolved to keep a close watch on his friend just in case the depression started seeping back in. "Okay Todd, I think I understand, but I have to ask, I am talking to Todd right, not some new alter."

Todd laughed and said."That's funny Ray. Relax , it's me Todd, no one else."

They stopped talking as they heard the door opening and Blair entered the penthouse. Todd jumped up and went and swept her in his arms. "Hello, fiance." he took his time kissing her, not worried that Ray watched, after all, Ray knew exactly how he felt about Blair, and he was tired of hiding his feelings for this woman.

Blair was startled at first thinking that Rodd was out until she realized that the kiss was the kiss of the man she loved. She gave herself over to him and let him kiss her properly. As Todd released her, she found herself blushing when she realized Todd had actually kissed her in front of somebody. That was way out of character for Todd. To regain her composure she said hello to Ray and he simply smiled and nodded. "What's going on? Todd are you alright?"

Todd chuckled and pulled her down on his lap. "I'm fine, Blair, better than fine. We have a wedding to plan and Ray has agreed to be my best man and then we go to war."

Ray figured he better say something or Blair was going to start getting worried. He could tell from her expression that she wasn't used to this side of Todd. "Somewhere in the middle of our conversations today, Todd had an epiphany and decided he was tired of being depressed and so down. He has resolved to move forward hell or high water and the doctors and his body better hold on for the ride. That about cover it, Todd?" Todd nodded and hugged Blair.

Todd knew Blair was worried so he set her down next to him and looked at her. "Really, I'm alright. I can't live in a cocoon any longer. I know you're worried about me, but I came back to get my life and I'm going to do just that. Okay, Carlo's had the upper hand all this time and while I was being careful I found myself almost killed twice. If that happens when I being careful, I might as well just step forward and go all out to reveal everything he's done and just let him come forward and try to stop me. The key to him and his partner is in my brain and with Ray's help, I'm going to discover what it is. So the question is, are you by my side no matter what?"

Blair had listened to Ray and then listened to Todd. Now she knew who was sitting next to her. This was the man she had first married who had thought he had nothing but had been determined to provide the best for his child no matter what. It had been a long time since she had seen him. He had gotten lost when his first son had died. This man knew heartache and pain but was made of steel and she wouldn't leave his side again. "Todd, I'm with you, to the finish." this time, Todd leaned forward and gave her the simplest of kisses but the most endearing she had ever felt.

Ray put his glass down. "That's my cue. It's time I was leaving. Todd, I'm free again in a couple of days. Should I make plans for the room at Cherryvale or do you want to work here."

Todd thought for a moment and then said,"Ray, why don't we work here this next time. I don't want to draw attention to myself and I think Carlo is watching my movements. He'll be curious and want to know what I'm up to if he finds out I'm making trips to the clinic where he took me that night. I have to be Samuel for the time being and by the way, Samuel will probably be out when you come. It gives me time to recharge my mental batteries. Besides you can start with some of the things Samuel recalls about that time." Todd looked at Ray "Okay?"

“That's fine Todd. Same time as today?" Todd nodded. Ray replied "Good, I'll see you later then." As he headed for the Door, Blair got up and joined him.

"Ray, do you think he's okay?" she asked.

Ray looked at her and nodded. "I think he's fine for now but you need to keep his spirits up. Don't let him dwell on anything that could send him tumbling again. Plan the wedding. As Best Man, I'm going to need a heads up on the date you choose so I can plan accordingly. Seriously, Blair, he's more confident right now than I've ever seen just watch for extreme mood swings. I think as long as he stays focused on undoing Carlo he'll be okay."

Blair walked into the living room to find Todd waiting for her, he seemed very serious as he took a sip from his drink and looked at her.

"You don't need to worry you know. I really am okay. Blair, I'm sorry I scared you and Starr the other night. I realized something while talking to Ray. I've been listening to my worst fears and reacting accordingly. I decided to take a page from Samuel's book. Samuel left that hospital in Philadelphia only knowing his name and the prognosis the Doctors had given him. Even back then my heart had been damaged but Samuel chose to forge ahead and live without worrying that the next day might be his last. Ever since I had that heart attack in the tomb I've been doing the opposite. I've been living in a shadow. I was so anxious about losing my life and all of you again I started playing it safe. That was a mistake. When have I ever played it safe? I want you, as my wife, by my side. Of course marrying you might be the thing that does me in." Todd sounded so sincere until he suddenly grinned.

Blair stood there listening until his last sentence sunk in "Why You...you" Blair fumed, she had been so worried about him and here he was playing with her. She grabbed a pillow and threw it at him.

Todd deftly caught it with one hand and said. "Blair you're losing your touch. You used to be able to read me better than that." he chuckled, stood and beckoned to her. "Come here."

Blair's eyes gleamed with anger and love. "You're a beast, You knew I was worried," she said but she went to him and he drew her into his embrace.

He nodded. "I knew, and I love you for it. Do you remember a Halloween night when we were flying high above the earth? We left our troubles on the ground and we made promises to each other. I didn't keep my promise. I promised you I wouldn't shut down or hide my feelings and if there was something bothering me I would tell you so that we would never have anything between us. I forgot that promise after I returned from Ireland and our lives have been messed up ever since. So I'm telling you up front this time. Blair, worry about me but don't hold me back. This is my fight and I need to fight it my way. This might lead somewhere that others might not approve of. I told Bo I would try and do things legally but I'm no saint and if Carlo wants to play dirty, I'll meet him head to head. I'm giving you fair warning so you have a chance to back out now, because once we're married, you'll be in it up to your ears." Todd paused. This time, there was no mistaking he meant every word.

Blair knew he meant business and woe to all people who got in his way. She gazed up at him and reached to move his hair behind his ear then her fingers trailed down his jaw coming to rest at his lips. She traced his lips and leaned in and met them with her own then she moved to his scars gently kissing as the tip of her tongue came out and moved along them.

Todd gasped as her tongue played along his scars. His mouth captured hers and they devoured each other . Todd pulled back first and he gazed at her, "So I guess your answer is, you're staying." Blair merely nodded and tried to capture his lips again. Todd reached up placing his finger on her lips, " Then I think we should take this to a place where we can discuss this in a more suitable environment." then he gently kissed her and steered her toward the stairs. Several hours later, Todd laid back against the pillows with Blair nestle in his arms and he gazed down at her. Once again that damn image popped into his head and he knew he would get no sleep. He would wait until she woke before sleeping. "Get this Hesser, wherever you are? I'm coming to get you.  So enjoy you sweet dreams this night, because soon you'll be the one having the nightmares."

Blair stirred and realized that the hour was still very early in the morning. She looked up and found Todd's eyes on her. "Good morning, what time is it anyway?"

Todd replied, "It's about 3:00am. We missed Dinner. I didn't have the heart to wake you, I figured you must have needed the sleep what with staying watch over me all these nights. Why don't we see if we can find something to eat."

Todd started to get up but Blair stopped him. "Todd, have you been awake all this time?" He looked away from her and she knew he had. "You have, haven't you. Did you think you would have another nightmare? Is that why you wouldn't sleep." Again he had no answer. " Todd, talk to me, you promised."

Todd frowned but he had promised. "Blair, I still keep seeing you lying in my arms dead and I couldn't go to sleep because I'm afraid I'll wake up to that again. I can't and won't let that happen. I'll sleep later when you're at work." As Blair started to say more Todd captured her lips silencing her momentarily.

When he finished she decided to let things drop. It was obviously all he was willing to say on the matter and she would make sure he got some sleep before she left for the Sun. "You promise you'll try and get some sleep later." Todd merely looked at her and she knew he wouldn't make any promise he might not be able to keep.

Todd removed his arm from behind her and hopped out of bed, "I don't know about you but I'm starved." slipping on his slacks he looked at Blair, " You coming?" he started to leave the room .

"Todd, wait, will you. Let me get dressed at least. " Blair crawled out of bed the sheet still around her looking for her clothes.

Todd looked at her admiring how beautiful she was all tousled and flustered. He walked backed to her and took her clothes from her, dropping them to the floor and then went about draping the sheet around her and tucking it in until she looked like a Greek goddess, "You're beautiful just as you are. Now let's go eat." he offered her his arm and bemused she took it and he escorted her from the room.

Blair looked at him as they descended the stairs amazed at the change in him from a couple of days earlier. This was the confident man who had been at the top of his game after inheriting his trust fund. Oh, how she had missed this man. She still hadn't forgiven herself for ever thinking that Walker was this man. Now that they were both in the same city, Walker paled beside Todd.

Todd sat her down by the coffee table and instructed her to wait. So she sat patiently listening to him rummage around in the kitchen. He reemerged holding a tray full of fruits and cheese and a homemade loaf of bread which he set down. He walked and got a bottle of wine and two glasses and joined her at the table. Pouring the wine, he handed her a glass and said, "To you. Thank you, for somehow still loving me after everything I put you through all these years." he lifted his toast to her and took a quick gulp and began eating.

Blair smiled as she realized Todd was feeling awkward. He could take away her breath with his passion but when he expressed his love in words he always seemed uncomfortable doing so. She loved that about him, that vulnerability that few people recognized. Todd had always used his wit and sarcasm to protect himself rather than let people see the real him. She had a feeling only a select few were privy to this Todd.

Todd looked up from the food, sensing her gaze and said. "What? Aren't you hungry?"

"Actually, I'm starved but it all looks so good I'm not sure where to start. " Before she could choose, Todd picked a ripe strawberry and held it to her lips watching as she took a bite. Noticing the little bit of juice that escaped, he leaned in and kissed the spot. Then he finished the berry, smiling before offering her a second. Blair's lips tingled from his brief kiss and she ate, fascinated by the feeling growing in her with each bite. Todd offered her more wine, watching intently as she lowered the glass suggestively to her breast. He noticed her breath quickening and knew she was getting aroused, she took another sip of her wine and accidentally spilled a little bit, he watched as it trailed down her long neck and disappeared beneath the sheet. Todd reached over and took the glass from her. Setting it down carefully he moved closer then began licking the wine she had spilled. A sigh escaped her lips as he explored and laying her down he carefully began unwrapping the sheet until she lay fully exposed to his gaze. He picked up the glass and poured a small stream down her body then proceeded to follow it with his tongue. With the tip of his finger, he captured a drop and held it enticingly over her lips letting it drop, oh so gently, upon them.

Blair was feeling the sensations wash over her with each stroke of his tongue when she suddenly felt a single drop land on her lips. As her tongue crept out to lick it, Todd's lips found hers and Blair wound her hands through his hair pulling him on top of her so she could feel his heart against hers. Her hands worked their way down his back loving the feel of him. They were working as one, caressing and fondling each other, letting the passion take them higher and higher. As they gently descended from the clouds Blair joyously captured Todd's mouth again giving him back all the joy she was feeling in that moment. As the kiss finally ended she gazed up at him, loving every feature. She moved his hair so she could view his beautiful eyes. She was going to marry this man. Nothing was going to tear them apart. Silently she made a vow. She looked at Todd and said, "Alright, let's go get him, it's time he got a taste of his own medicine."

Todd smiled, as always they were both on the same wavelength. He kissed her and replied. "He won't know what hit him."

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Memories Unlocked #6

The children who were ambulatory had come visiting as soon as Doctor Sanchez had given her permission and Todd had found them a welcome diversion as he waited for his body to recover from the second surgery.  He had managed to entertain even from his bed and when Dr. Sanchez had finally allowed him to get back into a wheelchair, he had made it a point to go onto the children’s ward to see the children who had been unable to come see him.  Now he glanced over at the clock.  Today was the day he had been freed from the cast around his rib cage and lower back and he had just returned from X-ray.  His patience was wearing thin wondering about the outcome of the test.  Where the hell are you, Doctor?  I need some good news.

          Todd looked around the room that had been his home for almost two months. He was frustrated, the more he tried to grasp his memories the more they eluded him.  Although he remembered his first name, he still hadn’t been able to get a handle on his last name, nor the last name of the woman named Viki.  He had a feeling he was related to her but wasn’t sure how.  Todd reached over and picked up the picture of the woman and two children that had been found with him.  They were beautiful.  Were they, like Viki, somehow connected to him?  You need to stop this.  Face it. Even if they are connected to you, what use are you to them?  You’re a half man.  He dropped the picture on the table.  Whoever they are, they’re not here.  This is your life now and you need to decide what you’re going to do with it.  He focused his eyes on his feet and tried once again to get one of them to move. Damn it.  Nothing, not even a toe.  At the sound of footsteps, he looked to the door. He watched as she stopped to talk to his nurse, then waited for her.

           Miguela could feel his eyes on her.  She knew he wanted her to tell him everything was  going to be alright.  She hoped for his sake it was.  She had been informed by the administrator that they were going to have to release him soon because he was no longer in need of urgent care.  As a result, she had spent the morning convincing that same administrator to hire him.   She took the X-rays from his nurse and entered the room.

         “Good Morning, Todd.”

          “Dr. Sanchez.” He nodded in greeting  “So don’t keep me in suspense.  Is everything healed or not?”

****

Sam Vance walked wearily back into the hotel in Saipan.  She was extremely discouraged.  Making her way to the bar she sat down, ordered a scotch and waited for James to arrive.  She was deep in thought when a hand began rubbing her neck and she turned her head as he came in for a kiss.   She melted into the kiss, loving the way he took command.

James tasted the scotch on her lips and with his tongue pushed the kiss to another level, savoring the combination.  He finally broke it off and sat down next to her.  “I’ll have what she’s drinking and get her another.”  He looked into her sparkling amber eyes.   “You’ve got to stop it, you know.  You can’t blame yourself.  It’s a big ocean out there.” He reached over and moved a strand of her auburn hair and tucked it behind her ear.

Sam sighed and licked her lips, still tasting the saltiness of his lips.  She took a moment to admire the man beside her.  He was still damp from the heat in the airplane.  His chest glistened with sweat and she pictured him standing naked in her shower stall.  It took all her effort to turn her mind back to the conversation.  “Maybe, but we’ve spent the last three weeks searching every island in the Marshall Island chain.  You heard the fisherman say the ocean currents had to take him into that area.  After all the trouble I went through getting us clearance for you to fly in there, the man could have at least been on one of the damn islands.” She drank the remaining drops in her first drink and reached for the new glass in front of her.

James dropped his hand down on her arm stopping her from taking a second drink.  “So does that mean you’re giving up.” His hand moved slowly up her arm and came to rest on her shoulder, his fingers beginning to play up and down her neck.

Sam responded to his caress by tilting her head slightly, giving him more access..  A little moan of enjoyment escaped her lips and then she replied.  “No way.  I don’t believe he’s dead.  From the first moment I met the guy, I could tell he wasn’t just your average Joe.  There was even a moment at one point that the guy actually scared me.  He was, and I’m betting, still is a force to be reckoned with.   He found a way to survive on that big ocean.  I just have to figure out where he ended up.”  Sam squirmed.  James’ hand had wandered down and she was having trouble keeping focus. Suddenly all she wanted to do was get in that cool shower with James.  She picked up her drink, “Um, let’s take this talk to my room.” she said huskily. James laughed, grabbed his drink and followed her to the elevator.

****

Miguela walked toward Todd. “The x-rays show that your back is healing nicely.  So it’s time to check you out.  We’ve been over this before.  Just because the bones have healed, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll have sensation in your lower extremities yet.  I don’t want you to feel discouraged.  Now, are you ready?”

      “Doc, I’ve been ready for months.  Let’s do this.  If I’m going to be stuck like this, I need to know so I can get my life back on track and figure out what I’m going to do next.” Todd waited passively as she examined his back, then she moved in front of him and removed the blanket covering his legs.

        Miguela was looking for any signs indicating he had some sort of feeling below his waist.  She tapped for reflexes and there was still no response.  She then took a small pin and ran it down his right thigh.  For a minute she thought she saw a ripple in the muscle underneath. She looked up sharply at Todd.  “Did you feel that?”

        Todd looked at her and answered her honestly. “I didn’t feel a thing.  There’s no change is there?”

        “I’m not sure.”  She moved to his right foot and ran the pin across the bottom of it. This time there was nothing.  Maybe she had been mistaken.   Switching to his other leg, she started with his foot and again got no response.  It was disappointing.  The scans told her that the bones in his back were fully healed and the nerves were still intact.  She had hoped that by now Todd would have some feeling.  She lifted the leg and bent it, keeping an eye on Todd to see if he experienced any pain to his back by the movement, but again it was obvious he felt nothing.  “I’m sorry Todd.”

        Todd had known it was a long shot.  He smiled ruefully. “I guess my days as a running back are over for good now.”

        Miguela looked at him “You were a running back?  It’s good to know you’re at least getting your memory back.  Don’t give up yet on your running days.  There’s still an outside chance that you get some feeling back too.”

         Todd was taken aback.  She was right, he had thought he was making a joke, but he knew in his heart that at one time in his life he had played football.  “I guess so,  Huh!  I can remember something like that but still have no idea what my full name is.”  He said bitterly. You’re doing it again , feeling sorry for yourself. Stop It!  “Okay, so we’ve determined that I’m going to be stuck in a wheelchair.  Now what?  I can’t stay here any longer.  Any suggestions?”

       “The hospital isn’t kicking you out.  You still have a little more healing to do.  I know things don’t look very promising right now, but we’ll start you working with a physical therapist.  They’ll teach you the means to get around without the aid of a second party.”

       “Gee thanks.  That’s great Doc but what about after that?   I need to be doing something. This sitting here doing nothing but trying to figure out who I am, is driving me crazy.  Hell, if it weren’t for the kids, I would have gone nuts weeks ago.” Frustrated Todd slammed his fists down on his legs. “Stupid dead things! I might as well not even have legs!”

        Startled at his outburst, Miguela put a hand on his shoulder. “Todd, stop.  It’s never easy for anyone to accept new limitations.  I had really hoped to see some signs today.  Everything in your scans indicated you should have some feeling and I’m at a loss to explain why you don’t.  I know you feel like you’re worthless since you’re not whole, but that’s not true.  You mean a great deal to the children patients stuck in this hospital.  They see a man who is kind and gentle, they also don’t care whether you can walk or not.  You give them your time and interest and you take their minds off of their real illnesses.  That’s a good thing.  Most of those children are here because like you and your legs, they too are facing some pretty tough challenges. Unfortunately, their battles might end up being too hard to defeat.”

         Todd looked into Miguela’s eyes and saw something he didn’t like. “What do you mean?  I know they’re sick, but that’s why they’re here, right?  You can make them better and they can go home.” When she didn’t agree, Todd’s heart sunk.  “No, it’s not true.  I know Li Kawn’s been pretty sick, but it’s just a setback.  Isn’t it?”

       “Todd, I’m sorry.  I’ve said too much already.”

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Who's the Real Todd?: Chapter 19

Samuel just looked at Ray. Ray couldn't begin to understand how close that they had come to doing just that. He sensed Todd coming back. He closed his eyes and said. "Todd's returning, he's counting on you to find a way to prevent that Ray."

It suddenly came back to Ray, that Todd had spoken earlier about almost letting go. Just how close to dying had Todd come? If it had gotten that bad, it explained the tone he had heard in Blair's voice. He sat back and waited, trying to gather his thoughts. He had to find a way to help Todd deal with the new nightmares and memories. Once past those, he needed to work on getting Todd to start believing he really was worth something. Todd had never forgiven himself, after all these years, for the things he had done to Marty. Now that self-hate was finally killing him. If he and Blair and the rest of the people who loved Todd couldn't stop this downward spiral, they would lose him for good.

Samuel met Todd on his way back from his talk with Pete. From the expression on Todd's face, he knew Pete had been as hateful as always. Pete was the weakest link in Todd's armor. He had originally come out to protect Todd from the knowledge of his father's abuse but over the years Pete had become the carrier of all that tainted Todd. Pete had changed from a protector to an antagonist and although he had his moments of sanity when he remembered his role in Todd's life, Pete was the most unstable of them. Pete's instability was why Todd feared for Blair and the rest of them. Todd hadn't found a way yet to except Pete because he wanted nothing to do with that instability and cruelty. He never wanted to inflict it on others, like he had in the past. There was going to come a time when Todd would have to accept Pete and forgive him so that he, Todd, could be whole again. Samuel gave Todd a pat on the back and said."You've tried to make him see reason, we'll keep talking with him and try to get your point of view across."

Todd opened his eyes and breathed slowly. He had let himself get too agitated earlier and when Ray had given him an excuse to leave the room he had done it. "So, I'm afraid I was distracted, I was having it out with Pete about a disagreement we had earlier, I didn't keep track of your conversation with Samuel. Did you learn anything from Him?"

"I learned a number of things, but why don't you tell me what's been going on since you regained consciousness after the catatonia." Ray inquired.

"Well, let's see; I was poisoned, nearly died, recovered, was almost shot, went into shock and the remains of the poison attacked my body, almost died, recovered, had nightmares, thought I saw Blair dead in my arms, asked Blair to marry me, got a yes for an answer, found out my alters have been enjoying themselves out without my knowledge, had to imprison Pete to protect myself and others, yep I think that's it," Todd replied looking at Ray calmly like he had just read a grocery list.

Ray shook his head, this was the Todd he knew so well. In front of him sat the man who always had a quick comeback because he was always in defensive mode. It had taken him weeks to get through his defenses back in the day and it looked like Todd was beginning to put them back up again. "Don't do that Todd, talk to me. What do you really feel about the attempts on your life? They were obviously traumatic. There's no one here but you and me. You know me well enough now to know what you tell me stays between us. You called me, I want to help."

"How do you think I feel Ray, I woke up from a catatonic state only to have some unknown person poison me. No warning, no nothing, just someone wanting me dead. How would anyone feel?  I'm a target, I know, or think I know, who's behind it but so far knowing that hasn't stopped the attempts. What it has done is put the people I care about in harm's way. Now I'm living in fear for Blair, thinking I'm going to receive a call that something has happened to her. If I lose her, it's over Ray. There have just been too many losses. How much more do I have to pay to make up for my mistakes?"

"I don't know Todd, but you're going to have to find a way to give yourself a break. Everything that transpired after Mitch placed you in that Tomb did not happen because of anything you did. You're the victim, this time, Todd. You need to keep fighting to get back what was taken. One way to do that is to get back on track with life in general." Ray studied Todd's expression and decided Todd was at least listening. "Did you say you're getting married. I think that's an excellent way to get back on track. You and Blair are a good combination. A marriage can only make you stronger. I know you're worried that she might be harmed but Todd you need her beside you and I think she needs you too. Go with it Todd. Plan a wedding. You know how one moment can cost you years. I think you deserve a little happiness in the middle of all this. We're going to go into the nightmares and process them together.  If you can face them and the memories they bring up, you can rid yourself of the unhealthy fear you have that Blair is going to die."

Todd couldn't find any words as the strangest sensation rippled through his body. For the first time in his life, he realized he had a friend, a real friend. It wasn't the words that Ray had said that made him feel that way, it was the tone and the sincerity that had enveloped Todd as Ray had talked. Ray was truly worried for his welfare and wanted to help no matter what. He should have realized it sooner. When the doctors had been so set on stopping the fateful session in Cherryvale because of his heart, Ray had stood by him and let him continue, knowing that he was putting his own career in jeopardy if Todd died. Todd had never had a friend put himself on the line for him and it was humbling that Ray thought he was worth doing just that.

Ray looked over at Todd. he was being awfully quiet. "Todd are you alright. I'm sorry if I said something that bothered you. You have every right to be concerned for Blair but I just don't want you putting blame on yourself anymore. You are not a bad man. You are a man who's been through trial after trial and are still standing. I know about the things you've done and you're no saint but you aren't the devil either. You are just like all the rest of us. You have your wants and hopes and sometimes you've gone the wrong way trying to obtain those things. But no man deserves what you've been through and I'm proud that you have enough faith in me to let me help you."

Todd stood up and moved away before Ray could see the tears forming in his eyes. He had been looking for this his whole life. Someone he could actually call a friend. With his back to Ray. he regained his composure. "You haven't upset me, Ray, you've given me something I never had. It's taken me all this time to realize it. You put yourself on the line for me at Cherryvale and I never acknowledged it. I guess I'm slow on the uptake. You're not here simply because I'm a patient." Todd turned around to look Ray in the eye. "you're here to help a friend."

Ray nodded knowing what a huge leap it was for Todd to acknowledge that he had been looking for a friend. He waited to see if Todd was ready to accept it.

At Ray's nod, Todd took a deep breath and simply said."Thank you, Ray."

Ray knew that Todd was feeling awkward so he decided to forge ahead. "Well now that we have that figured out, how about we figure out what's going on with these nightmares. "

Todd gave a small smile and sat down. "How do we do that Ray? I can't take that dream much longer. I know a lot of people consider me crazy but that dream is going to really do it to me if I can't stop it."

"Let's start at the beginning. When did you first start having the nightmare?" asked Ray

"It was the night after the poisoning. After what my body had been through from the poisoning, I was hurting everywhere. I don't know if that triggered the nightmare or what. I remember walking through an unfamiliar hallway and most of the doors were locked then I found one that wasn't. I was almost afraid to open it. I thought I was going to see Peter again. As I started to leave, a scream came from the room, so I went in and saw a man sitting in a wheelchair with his back to me, He was covered in bandages so I walked around to see if I could help. It was horrifying Ray. I can still see it, he had no face. He was screaming nonetheless. I reached to touch him and suddenly I was him looking up at my own face. Only now my whole body was in agony and I woke up still screaming. It took a few moments for the effects of the nightmare to loosen its grip on me, I remember holding on to Blair for dear life anything to keep me grounded to this world." Todd remembered so well the pain that had washed through his body during the nightmare and knew he had indeed been in that wheelchair. "The thing is Ray, it wasn't just a nightmare. I was in that wheelchair, in agony but I didn't remember it till recently."

"So your memories are coming at you in the nightmares. You might be right. Todd, you said you had another one. Do you want to tell me about it?" asked Ray.

The picture of Blair lying in his arms, so still and bleeding came rushing back, Todd gasped. His hands gripped the chair and the color drained from his face.

"Todd, what is it? Are you alright?" Ray sat up in alarm as he watched Todd. Something had just hit Todd hard. Whatever it was had a drastic effect on Todd as Ray noticed his reactions. "Todd, look at me," Ray commanded trying to break the hold of whatever Todd was seeing. He watched as Todd shut his eyes and shook his head, then Todd slumped back in the chair and slowly his color returned. Ray relaxed a little bit the minute Todd had slumped in the chair. Whatever Todd had been seeing appeared to have gone away, he waited for Todd to meet his eyes.

“God, Ray, I can't escape that image! It was so real I would swear it happened." Todd reached up and shakily ran his hand through his hair trying to settle his nerves.

"Can you talk about it now? If it's that jarring then perhaps we should call it a day. I don't want you to overdo it. We have time Todd." Ray could tell Todd was still affected by whatever he had imagined. It was clearly time to steer away from any more talk of nightmares. "So you asked Blair to marry you. I surprised you haven't done so before now. She's quite a woman and I know your history with her has had it's ups and downs. This is a good thing for you, Todd. Have you decided when you're going to make an honest woman of her again?"

Todd stared for a minute unsure how Ray had gone from talking nightmares to weddings. Of course, Ray couldn't know the image Todd had just revisited. He had no idea that Todd had been thinking of Blair but not in the wedding sense. He held up his hand to stop Ray's chatter.

Ray paused realizing Todd wanted his attention.

"Before you say anything else I think you should hear my nightmare. I realize you were trying to change the subject just now. What you don't know is that the subject of the nightmare and the subject of the wedding are one and the same." Todd saw Ray's face change as he realized what Todd was telling him.

"My God Todd, I'm sorry," Ray said

Todd shook his head , "You didn't know. I can talk about it now, the shock of the image is fading. Several days ago, Samuel drew those pictures I showed you earlier. Later that evening I was testing my legs to see if I had the strength to stand on them. I found they would take my weight so I was taking small walks around my hospital room when I saw the sketchbook. I knew Samuel had been out for most of the morning so I decided to see if he had drawn some more nurses or something. No Nurses, instead I came across those pictures. I told you how uneasy they made me but then Blair arrived and one thing led to another and she ended up spending the night in my room."

Todd paused, trying to remain calm as his heart rate went up. " Here's where the night and the nightmare merged. I fell asleep with Blair in my arms and when I awoke it was early morning. I tried to wake Blair wanting to give her time to get dressed before a nurse came in, but she wouldn't wake and as I took my arm from beneath her I saw all the blood, I screamed for help and the nurse and doctor came in, but they weren't helping Blair and I told them to help my wife but they looked at me like I was nuts. Then the doctor told me there was no wife. There I was once again sitting in the chair and was all bandaged again only, this time, I was in a room with all this electronic machinery and I was begging the doctor to stop. He reached for this lever with his black hand and I felt the current or pain shoot through me. That's all I remember. Blair told me I screamed and appeared to be having some kind of seizure and they couldn't wake me at first. What I know is when I finally awoke I had this terrifying feeling that it was only beginning. Blair thought I had projected the picture into my nightmare but that's not it Ray. The man in the picture is very real and I'm waiting for confirmation from Manning that he's the same doctor treating him. Samuel and I talked and we're sure that he's the person behind my amnesia. But you can understand why I'm afraid to go back to sleep. The only reason I made it through last night was because my body was totally exhausted just with making the trip home from the hospital but I'm more rested now and I'm concerned about tonight."

He continued as Ray waited for more of his story. "You started talking about the wedding.   Blair heard my nightmare and realized I called her my wife and she told me, she was there, I only had to ask.  In a weak moment, I asked, because I'm desperate to keep her close. She's convinced that if we wed as Blair Cramer and Samuel Toddman, Carlo will feel he's safe and might make a mistake. I'm terrified that the nightmare is going to come true, but like you said. I need her, I can't do this alone anymore." Todd finished and looked at his friend. He wasn't sure what he thought Ray could say that would make everything alright. He just knew he needed some hope to cling to at this stage.

Now Ray understood why Todd was worried. Just the memory of the nightmare had sent Todd reeling. If anything were to happen to Blair at this juncture Todd would never recover. Ray realized Todd had to finish making his way through these nightmares but it was up to Ray to find a way to keep Blair out of them. He just didn't know if that was even possible. "God Todd, no wonder you're a wreck. We've got to address those three months but it sounds like we need to find a way for you to separate your fear for Blair before we do anything else. These last few months have been filled with all sorts of revelations for you. The one constant for you has been the connection you and Blair reforged. Why do you feel you're going to lose that?"

Todd wasn't sure how to answer that, he said, "You know me, Ray, when have I ever been able to hold on to a relationship. I couldn't sustain a relationship with Rebecca, I just ended up scaring her away. I ruined several marriages with Blair because of my stupidity and insecurities. Even my marriage to Tea ended in disaster because I couldn't admit my DID and I couldn't open up to her emotionally. I told you in prison I was cursed and afterward, finding out who's son I really was, didn't negate that belief, it strengthened it. I'm a carbon copy of my fathers and I hate myself. Yet for some reason, there are people around here who do love me and I love them dearly. Still, it never seems to fail but my problems always cause hurt and I don't want to hurt them anymore. Because of my past sins, they've all been through the wringer. Am I being fair to them to pull them back into all this once again."

"I don't know Todd but I think you have to let them make that decision. I know Blair doesn't want to be with anybody but you. It's obvious she needs you as much as you say you need her. Stop fighting it. She's a grown woman and she knows exactly what you're facing right now. She doesn't want to be sidelined. Blair knows that you're stronger with her by your side. It's time to have little belief in the love these people are giving you. It's there and it's real. I saw the truth of that in Cherryvale. You survived that ordeal because of the strength you got from Vicki and Blair. Once you accept that, you'll be able to allow yourself some leeway. You need to find some positives to start dwelling on and let the doom and gloom scenarios go. You do need to acknowledge that you are depressed. It's wearing at you. That depression can be helped and I know you don't want help chemically but consider the alternative. The next catatonic state might be the last one. You would survive but it wouldn't be much of an existence and those you love would be sorely hurt because there would be nothing they could do to help. Tell me you're hearing this. Todd, you're my friend, I don't want to see you become a vegetable any more than Blair or Vicki. I've always admired your determination to survive and win at all cost. Don't stop now."

"You think I want this hanging over me. I'm fighting every day to overcome it, but my body is fighting me and I'm not sure what will win out . Will my body hold up long enough for me to win? God I pray for that every moment, but everywhere I turn lately something else happens to knock me back." Todd heard the desperation in his voice and stood up and began pacing again. Stop it you idiot, enough with the running down. You're Todd Manning start acting like it. he mentally kicked himself and turned back to Ray. "You know what. I'm done with this pity party. I'm Todd Manning, I've beaten Death many times over. To heck with my Fathers. This is my life and it's high time I started living it again. You're right Ray, I have a wedding to plan and I need a best man. How about it, Ray?" Todd grinned.

Ray sat dumbfounded at the transformation that had just taken place. The man was forever a chameleon. Something had happened and Todd was back to being master of his fate. As Todd's question finally registered, he found himself smiling in return. "You bet Todd, I'd be honored."

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Memories Unlocked #5

Sam made their two passengers comfortable and then thought it was time to ask some questions   “You said Todd left on a homemade raft over two months ago.  Was that the last you saw of him?”

Tea nodded, “We tried to talk him out of leaving but he refused to stay any longer.  He was determined to get home to his family.   Like I told you earlier, we thought you were sent by him.”

“I’m really sorry to hear all that.   We’ll have to keep searching.  We’re headed to the Marianas to get fuel and spend the night.  I’m sure we can get you a connection from there, home.”  Sam got up and headed to the back of the plane where James had a cooler stashed.  She pulled a couple of iced drinks out and some fruit and walked back, giving some to Tea and Ross, then taking the rest up to the cockpit for her and James.

Tea immediately moved to sit beside Ross.  They had had long discussions on the island about what they would do if they were rescued.  “So, as soon as we get down, I’ll make a call to my banker and get us funds.  If we pay the right people we should be on our way to Tahiti in no time.”

Ross was a little surprised.  “I thought you would want to get back to the States and help look for Todd?”

“There’s nothing I can do to help.  If he hasn’t surfaced by now, I fear he didn’t make it.  Todd’s resilient, but even you said he was facing insurmountable odds.   Todd made his choice and I made mine.  Besides, I’m in love with you.“ Tea said the words and realized how true they were.  Ross was the man who had kept them alive.  He had made her feel safe and wanted, something Todd had never been able to do. “If you can’t return to the States, then I go where you go.”

“You’re sure, Tea?”

“Absolutely.”  To prove she meant every word she kissed him.  His arms enfolded her and she sighed. “This is where I belong.”  As she made herself comfortable in his embrace, she couldn’t help feeling a little sorry for Blair.  

A short time later, the plane landed in Saipan.  Sawyer had radioed ahead and informed the authorities that they were bringing in some shipwrecked survivors who had just been found on a deserted island.  The authorities were highly accommodating and before the night was out, Tea and Ross had two temporary visas and were allowed to leave the airport with Sam and James.  After getting rooms, Tea and Ross disappeared.  Sam turned to James.  “I don’t know about you, but I could use a drink.  Care to meet me in the bar in an hour.  I need to inform our employer about this latest development.”

Judging by her tone, Sawyer had a good idea that Sam Vance was in the mood for more than just a drink.  “Sure, you’re paying the tab for this trip.  I’ll meet you in an hour,”  he watched her as she made her way to her room.   He had heard the disappointment in her voice when the woman she called Delgado had given them the information about Todd Manning.   It appeared Vance felt something for the missing millionaire, too.

****  

Another whole day had gone by and still no word from Sam Vance. Blair was doing everything in her power to keep her hopes up. She walked to her son’s room and looked in on him.  He was sound asleep.  He was such a beautiful baby boy.  He had a mop of golden hair, straight like his father, and eyes that matched hers.  She had fallen in love with him at first sight but then tried to send him away because he reminded her so much of the baby she thought she had lost.  Todd had been desperate for her to accept him and now she understood why.  She had been so angry when she found out what he did.  How could you do that, Todd?  Did you hate Max that much?  Their happy little family had fallen apart when she realized he had given their child away when he thought the baby was Max’s.  But now, months had passed.  The hurt, while still there, had dulled, and in its place was a strange longing to get her husband back home.   All she could do was wonder where Todd had gone.  

Once before he had disappeared from her life, and when he returned, their attraction had started up all over again.  As hard as she tried, she couldn’t get him out of her system.  She sat down in the rocker and watched Jack breathe, his little mouth slightly opened and sucking on his fist, even in sleep.  His first molars were starting to come in and he was constantly chewing on anything he could put in his mouth.  She reached through the slats in his crib and moved his hair gently off his face.  Unlike his father, Jack was a heavy sleeper and not much woke him once he was down.

“My sweet baby, this is just between us, but I miss your father.  Troy says that he’s afraid of prison and that’s why he’s stayed away all this time.  I can’t help thinking there is more to it.  He loves you and your sister so much, that he was going to kidnap you.  It was wrong, but I know how your father gets when he’s desperate.   He didn’t know I had already decided to let him see you guys.”

Blair leaned back into the rocker, picked up her son’s favorite stuffed bunny and hugged it close.  Her thoughts wandered as she remembered walking into the penthouse the first morning they had felt their first baby kick.  Todd had gone and bought just about every stuffed animal and baby toy he could find.  He had had such high hopes for that first child before they lost him.   A tear dropped on her cheek, they had worked hard to overcome that loss and then Todd had told her he loved her.  That was the night they made Starr.  She brushed the tear away.  A small hand touched her arm.

“Mommy, why are you crying? Is something the matter with Jack?” Starr stood there in her pink pajamas, her hair tied up in pigtails on both sides of her frowning little face.

Blair reached and pulled her daughter onto her lap. “My sweet baby girl.” She hugged her. “No, there’s nothing wrong with Jack.   He’s perfect.”

“Well if Jack isn’t the reason you’re crying, then it has to be Daddy.  Did you talk to him? Is he coming home?  I miss him.  Where is he?  He said he loved us.”  She snuggled into her mother’s arms.

“So many questions.” Blair kissed the top of her head.   ‘Oh Starr, you’re right, I was crying because of Daddy.  I miss him, too.”

“If you miss him and I miss him, how come he isn’t home?  You’re not mad at him anymore.  He should come home.”

“I agree, but I think something is stopping him.  I just don’t know what.”

“I heard Uncle Ben tell Aunt Viki, that Daddy could go to jail if he came back.  Why Mommy?”

“Honey, Daddy tried to take you and Jack from me without telling me.  It was wrong.  Still, if he would just call,  I think we could work something out.”  She sat there, deep in thought, and smoothed her daughter’s pigtail.  Damn it, Todd, do you realize how upset your daughter is?  Where the hell are you?

Starr sat up and looked her in the eyes.  “Mommy, do you still love Daddy?”

Blair paused, taken aback by Starr’s stare.  “Yes Starr, I still love your daddy.”

“Then all you have to do is tell him.  He’d be home real fast if he knew you weren’t mad and still loved him.”

“Sweetie, I don’t know where he is or how to let him know.”

“Just use the paper Mommy, Daddy will read it.  Then he’ll know.”

Blair sat there not saying anything.  Could it work?  What if it was as simple as that?  You can’t think that way. There’s no way to know where Todd is.  Don’t get her hopes up.  “Starr, I just don’t think that will help.  Daddy’s paper is just a small state-wide paper.  Your dad could be anywhere. He probably wouldn’t even see it.  Now, it’s time for you to be in bed.  Come on. Off you go.”

Starr got off her mom’s lap.  “Okay, Mommy.  Will you tuck me in?”  Blair nodded and walked her daughter to her room.  Starr turned over after her mother left and looked at Fred the Magic Frog.  “I’m going to find you, Daddy.   I know you want to come home.  I’ll get Heddy to help and Mr. Briggs, too.  Goodnight, Daddy.”

****

Todd was standing at the bottom of some stairs. Staring up at an old man.

“Get out of My House! I have nothing to say to you.  Get out of my house, you are not welcome here. Stay away!”

The voice was so cold, Todd shuddered.   Then a shadowy figure at the bottom of the stairs spoke “He abused me.  Sexually.  He raped me. Starting when I was a little girl.  He raped me for years.”  

The walls in the room began to distort. He reached for the banister struggling as his stomach lurched. Those words had meaning to him.  He suddenly felt dirty.  An anguished cry escaped him. “Oh God.  Like Father Like Son!”    The next thing he knew he was sitting on the floor of a tomb staring at a crypt.               

The words reverberated around him bouncing off the walls   “He abused me. He raped me.”

With each statement, Todd felt like his insides were being slashed by a knife. A figure appeared in the doorway.  

Todd awoke in a panic.  His heart was pounding .  It was just a dream   It has to be.  Even as he tried to dismiss it, he knew it was so much more.  It was a truth about him he wished had stayed buried in his mind.  Tears rolled down his cheeks.  He was a rapist.   At some time in his past, he had hurt someone just as deeply as the old man had hurt her.  He tried to recall her. She was important to him, he knew it.

Words are long forgotten flooded his head.  “He’s gone.  Leave this place.  Leave him behind you.  Go get married. Believe in yourself.” Todd gulped as a picture formed in his head of an older graceful woman, with fair hair and a beautiful warm smile.  More tears flowed, as Todd realized who the woman was.  “Viki.”

****

Blair was getting ready to go to sleep when her phone rang.  She looked at the screen to see who was calling her.  It was Sam Vance.  She shivered for a moment, afraid to take the call.  She didn’t understand why, but it scared her. “Hello.  What is it?  What have you found? Oh God, please don’t tell me he’s dead!”

Sam Vance kicked herself as she realized the lateness of the hour in Llanview.  She could hear the panic in Blair’s voice.  “Easy Blair.  The news isn’t that bad.  I don’t know where he is, but I do know where he was two months ago.”

Blair felt an overwhelming sense of relief.  She remembered all too well the call she had received when Todd had disappeared in Ireland. Suddenly her anger came back.  He was alive and he still hadn’t tried to contact Starr.  She was disappointed, she had been so convinced he really did care for Starr and Jack, but now she was having second thoughts. “Well tell me, where was the son of a bitch two months ago.”

Sam sighed.  “I can tell you he wasn’t living the high life. The authorities were right, Todd’s boat went down in that storm, just not where they thought.   He was on a deserted island with two other people.”

Blair sat down abruptly on her bed stunned.  “I don’t understand.  How do you know this?”

“We found the two he was stranded with, earlier today, a man and a woman. They’ve been living on the island for the last four months.”

“If Todd was on the island two months ago, why wasn’t he there when you found them.”

Sam paused, she knew the story of Todd’s second wife and the bad blood between her and Blair. She made the decision to avoid naming Tea Delgado if possible. “I hope you’re sitting down.  According to the woman, he left the island two months ago on a homemade raft.  She stayed with the guy, Rayburn  ”

“Wait a minute.  Did you say, Rayburn?”

“Yes, Ross Rayburn.”

“That was the man I hired to protect the children.  He was working for Todd.   Who’s the woman?  No, wait, let me guess.  The woman is Tea Delgado isn’t she?”

The cat was out of the bag, Blair was still sharp as a nail. “Yes.”

“I knew it,”  Blair recalled Tea warning them about Todd’s plans. I knew she couldn’t be trusted.  She probably warned him just so she could get him back. “Something doesn’t make sense.  Why did he leave without them?”

“According to Ms.Delgado, he refused to stay any longer.  They tried to talk him out of it.    Rayburn told him it was too dangerous, that the weather was changing, but he was intent on getting home to you and the kids.”

Blair was dazed. She pictured Todd alone on a raft in the middle of the ocean.  My God, what was he thinking? “He was intent on getting home to you and the kids.”  The statement reverberated through her head.  Wait, that was two months ago.  If Ross was right.  He would have been out there in storms.  She clutched the phone.  What if? No, she couldn’t think like that.  He couldn’t be dead.  You would know it, Blair.

“Blair, are you there?’  Sam had a good idea of what was going through Blair’s mind at that moment.  “Blair, listen to me.  I know what you’re thinking.  Don’t.  You know Todd better than anyone.  The man has nine lives.  I just haven’t found him yet.  At least we now know he’s probably somewhere here in the South Pacific.  Maybe he just ended up on another deserted island.  I intend to keep looking if you want me to.”

She listened to Sam and flicked away the tears that had started when her thoughts had drifted toward never seeing Todd again. She straightened her shoulders. “You’re right.  Todd’s a survivor.  I want you to keep going.  Find him for me, please.”

“I will.” Sam hung up.

Blair set the phone down on her lap. She pictured Todd fighting the ocean and never giving in.  You are a survivor.  If something or someone is keeping you from returning.  I’ll come to you.  I promise. She looked down at the ring still on her finger.  Bringing it to her heart, she touched it with her other fingers. “You were trying to get home to us.  You still love us.  She’just has to find you.”  She laid back on her pillow, her left hand tucked under her cheek and drifted off to sleep.

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