Todd Revisited: Denial (Chapter 35)

Sleep had never come easy, and that night was no exception.  No matter how he turned, or moved, or adjusted, he felt as if he were on needles.  He needed to feel safer, and he needed to feel accepted again by the person who mattered most.  It seemed so long off.


His life-battle with sleep was an uphill one at best.  From being six and dragged out of bed by his collar and tormented by his "father," to spending more time working in evenings than days, to denying himself sleep to avoid dreams, to breaking in to Blair's room at Asa's home to just be able to sleep by her and Starr, Sleep seemed to be the elusive dame in his journey.  And, here he was, beckoning her, but Sleep still turning her nose up at him and heading the other way, hips swaying.  He turned on his side, and decided to try a few tricks from the past.  These tricks he not only used to help him beat insomnia, he also used them to distract from the pain of the torture he experienced for the last eight years.  


First, he would review all of the names of all of Starr's reptiles and insect pets.  He would recite each name and a short description, and if there were a story to go with the pet, he would tell it to himself.  


Another was to pretend he did not want Sleep after all and play hard to get.  He'd get up, work, or do something else.  But, of course, at this point, he had no work and he had nothing else.  And the nap in the park for a few hours earlier was certainly making it harder.


Last, he would imagine Blair in every outfit he had ever seen her.  He would start at the first time he saw her, the white blouse with small stripes and ruffles at the collar, with her hair curled about her shoulders, cascading to the center of her back.  He would go from that to the next, and the next, and the next; snowpants and a puff coat with a scarf; her Christmas dress with the glittery bands on the sleeve ends, and so forth, until Ms. Sleep finally crept into his arms.


"Are you awake, Todd?"


He peeled his eyes open and glanced over his shoulder.  It was the doctor, and he was perched on the edge of the bed.  "I am now."  Todd stretched a bit, and turned toward him.


"Todd, do you feel rested?  Are you all right?"


"I guess, yeah.  I feel all right.  How long did I sleep?"


"This time, you slept from yesterday afternoon until 9 am this morning.  I was going to allow you to sleep longer, and I can if you prefer, but I also thought we might have a talk."


"About what?"  Todd pushed himself up a bit.


"About your treatment, your care.  About your progress.  Example, how are your wrists healing up?  May I?"


"Sure,"  he pulled his arms from beneath the covers.  The air was intrusively cold.  He had been deeply snuggled in under the sheets and the soft blanket.


Dr. Asper checked them carefully.  "Uhuh, they seem to be healing fine.  Do you remember how you got those?"


Todd squinted a little.  He felt a pang of knowing as to where the conversation would lead.  "No, I don't.  I don't care to, either.  I really want out of here.  That is why I am actually glad you did wake me.  I want to talk about being discharged."


"Discharged, yes.  I am sure you do want to talk about that.  I've not really introduced myself.  I'm Dr. Asper, Johan Asper.  I am not the typical doctor here at the rehabilitation center."


"Meaning?"


"Meaning, I am a psychiatrist, Todd.  I was called in the moment you collapsed in the waiting room and they determined that there was acute exhaustion and extreme confusion.  Of course, it takes someone that studies different kinds of mental health issues to determine the real cause for all of it.  Why you don't sleep well, why you miss spaces of time, and why you appear confused and prone to extreme mood swings."


"You're getting at what, Dr. Asper?  Because I came here for rehab, not for a shrinking."


Dr. Asper smiled.  "I like your style.  You're quite an interesting person.  You're uniquely to the point.  You're not here for a shrinking."


"No, I'm not."


"But this shrinking is what you need.  And, Todd, I fear that without it, something very terrible could eventually happen.  It would be what they used to call a 'nervous breakdown.'  I fear it could include a full-mental collapse.  In time.  But with treatment, and counseling, we could teach you ways to manage it and live normally."


Todd folded his arms over his chest.  "No.  I have to get out of here.  And you're not going to stop me.  I have a child on the way.  I have to get home.  My wife . . . she needs me and I," he stopped, choking up, "and I need her.  She quiets my head down.  She makes things right."


Dr. Asper listened intently.  "She sounds like someone that loves you very much.  Let me call her, and she can come here and live here while you are in treatment.  We have a full facility, she can give birth here, if she has not already, and she and the child can be part of your recovery."


"I can't.  I have to go home to her.  I don't want anyone poking around in my head and I'm fine.  Are my physical injuries a problem?"


"No.  In fact, Dr. Allen states that all of your physical ailments are gone.  With the exception of the wrist injuries and the stiffness in your back and legs, you're perfectly fine.  You've healed well."


Todd flashed on Aman and Lilly's faces when he told them it was time to go.  "I had great caretakers, the best."


"I'm certain of that.  But Todd, I cannot force you to stay here, this I know.  By law, you have to commit yourself to this process.  I can't detain you; it would be unlawful restraint, and even if I appealed to a higher authority, you would get around it by making certain that your other two alters were quiet when you were interviewed.  This I know from experience.  You would give all of your effort and emotion to controlling them."


Todd was shocked, and certain it showed on his face.  "Alters?  What are you talking about?"


"Todd, please.  I've just told you that I can't force you to stay here against your will.  What difference will it make if you admit the truth to me?"


Todd thought for a moment.  Tom was shaking his head, "Tell him Todd.  He's nice.  He can help us!"  Pete was nowhere to be seen for the moment.  Something had silenced him a bit.


"Ok let's say I DO know what you are talking about.  What does it matter?  It doesn't change anything.  I have to go home, I need her.  I need to be with my wife and my new baby daughter.  I need to get back to my life.  And I don't need your help."


"Again, I can't force you to stay.  I just want to caution you.  You're not as in control as you think you are."


"I am.  I definitely am.  I can control my own life, and if I am with her, I will be fine.  All of the noise and commotion in here fades."  He touched his finger to the side of his head.


Dr. Asper stood up.  "Todd, I fear this is a grand mistake.  Possibly the largest one you've ever made.  Again, it's against my better judgement to encourage you to do anything but let me help you.  I have a great amount of experience with multiple personality disorders of all kinds, including DID.  I can help."


"You're sick.  You just want another patient to examine and get well-known for.  I don't have 'alters' or anything else.  I just needed sleep.  Acute exhaustion, wasn't it?"  He turned his head.  Regrouping, he said, "You're imagining things.  I'm not going to be your pin cushion or your poster boy for wackos.  I want to get out of here."


"I see."  Dr. Asper stood looking at him, planning his next move.  "You're ready to face the world, now that you have remembered that you were raped by your father as a boy?"


Todd jumped from the bed, and grasping the doctor's coat by the collar, he jacked him up.  "You shut your filthy sick mouth before I shut it for you!"  


Tom scrambled inside Todd's mind.  "Pete!  Pete!  Stop!  Todd, stop him now!"


Todd was right on the case, though, before Tom even spoke.  Letting go of the coat, he forced Pete back into the shadows and settled himself.  Changing his facial expression, he said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.  I was not really prepared for that, and people won't just be walking up to me saying it at home.  Now that I know it happened, it's over.  I'm fine."


Dr. Asper said, "I accept your apology Todd, but that was Pete's doing, and you know this."


Todd said nothing.  Tom cried out, "Talk to him Todd!  Maybe you should listen."  


Dr. Asper continued. "And, what makes you think Pete will stop himself when he's confronted with things back home?  When he's taking care of a little girl?  When things go wrong, or you go without sleep, or when you are confronted with being intimate with your wife for the first time again after your experiences?  Or what about when you have to explain to your wife all about your life while you were gone?"


Todd sat on the edge of the bed.  "Doctor, I appreciate this concern.  But I promise you, when she's with me, things are so different.  I'd never let Pete near my daughter or near Blair again, I'd die first."


The doctor made no hesitation.  "Possibly, yes."


Todd turned away.  "I'm sorry, I'd like to be alone now.  Please go away."


Dr. Asper did as Todd asked, without looking back.  


Todd looked out the window.  It was a gorgeous day, and he wondered how Blair was doing without him.  He knew he wasn't doing so well without her.  His eyes filled with tears.  "I gotta go home.  Tom?  I gotta go home."


"I know, Todd, I know you wanna.  But, Todd, what about Pete?  What if Johan is right?"


"I can control Pete.  I'll prove I can.  First, we gotta do without sleep.  The less hours the better. I'll keep it to two hours at a time."


"Todd, is that good for us?  I mean, don't we need more?"

"I don't need more," he said, pacing.  "I can do it.  Done it before."


"Ok Todd, I believe you.  But what about Pete?"


"I'm getting to that."  He stopped and paused by the window.  The curtains were white and blowing slightly in the breeze.  His hair, just above his shoulders, moved gracefully in the air.  He hugged himself across the chest.  "I'll just make sure Pete never comes back."


"How?  He was born, like me, Todd.  He was born to protect you.  You know it.  Well, now you do."


"If there's nothing to protect me from, then what?  I don't need protection, Tom.  I'm strong."


"But Todd, you can't just make it all go away . . ."


"Oh yes I can, Tom, shut up!  Quiet!  It's done, it's gone.  No more!  Don't you ever talk to me about it again.  Ever.  Don't ever bring up what happened with Peter Manning or in Ireland again."


Tom  had jumped almost out of his skin.  Todd had never spoken to him that way.  He slowly took steps backward.  "Ok, ok, Todd.  Ok.  I won't."  As Tom moved back toward the shadows, he quietly said, "I'm scared, Todd.  I'm real scared."  And with that, he was gone.


Todd's eyes had been brimming with tears, and just then, watching his life-long friend and protector vanish, he was unsure where life would take him.  Now that he had known about Tom for months, could he really live without him?  He would work at it, day and night, to make certain that Pete never set foot out again.  And if that meant Tom had to go, too, then Tom had to go, too.  He brushed the tear away with his hand, catching sight of the healing gouges on his wrist.  The words of the doctor came back to him; ". . .something very terrible could eventually happen.  It would be what they used to call a 'nervous breakdown.'  I fear it could include a full-mental collapse."  And at the same time, he heard Blair's voice, as she stood in the stables, with her green eyes focused on his, "What are you afraid of, Todd?"  


He was afraid of nothing, and no one, and certainly not a figment of his imagination named Pete. 


Todd woke at the first light of dawn.  Ms. Sleep had met her match, and his dreams were full of light and color and the past.  Remembering his letting go of Tom had made him wake up wistful, even though the boy later made an appearance more than once over the years, and had returned to him, full-time, after whatever had happened in 2003.  If it were not for Tom and Pete during the eight years of captivity, and yes, even The Dark Mass, he knew he would not have been whole and able to return to his life.


He knew what he had to set out to do that day, and wasn't really looking forward to it as much as to seeing her.  Or possibly seeing her.  Even if they fought, or did their "dance," or just saw each other, it was a sight he so needed, for as he had always said, when she was around, all the noise and the craziness in his head was fixed.


Tweet