Hope from the Ocean: 47

"Bea, you seem to be getting much better," Ray said, reading over her notes.  "I'm going to read them out loud, so we can both hear, is that all right?"

She nodded and weakly smiled.

I know what Todd did.  I've read all about it.  I know where the scar is from and how he got it.  I know what happened.  The bad part is that I was in the Time of Black and couldn't come to help.  When he was in trouble.  I could have explained to everyone why he was so angry.  That part is not my fault, I know. 

I am trying to do what you said, Dr. Martino, and not be guilty for what happened to my boy.  But how?  I was his mother, I was there to protect and love him?  I still can't tell myself I am not to blame.  The things Peter did to him, God help me, were so bad.  How can a person do that to a child?

"I feel like you want me to answer this, Bea."

She nodded yes, and used her hands to make a gesture that he understood as "please?"

"He was sick.  There's no other explanation for what he did to not only Todd, but also to you.  Do you know Todd felt guilty, as well, for what Peter did to you?"

She jumped up from her chair, and went to the notepad.  He was a child.  A baby.  He can't.

Ray interjected.  "And you thought Peter would kill Todd.  You were afraid.  You were abused.  Do you want me to read the rest of the notes?"

She nodded again, affirmatively.

Todd was doing what he saw done.  He didn't know how to handle to anger and the pain of what happened to him.  When someone hurt him, he did it back.  I should have been there to help him.  This is why he loves Blair so much.  She helped him.  She made him see who he is, really, and tried to make him understand the bad parts.

Ray took a break from the notes and looked up.  "You're quite perceptive.  Yes, that is why, at first, Todd loved Blair so much.  Now, it's so much more than that.  They share a life, children, a home.  They want each other to be happy, and each knows that the other makes them that way."

She smiled, and appeared relieved.  He said, "Shall I read on?"

She agreed.

How did Blair love him, even though she knew that he hurt that woman?  How did she not hate him for that?  I wonder this often.  

"Simple," he said, putting the completed notes down, "She forgave him and that was because she loves him."

***

"I'll stick to the single life, Maties," Aiden said, drinking his beer and eyeing a provocative red-head sitting with her legs crossed in the corner.

"It's Margaret or nothing, for me," Patrick said, swigging his beer.  Todd hadn't said much.  He was holding his Scotch glass, and tinkling the ice against the sides.  Patrick said, "Manning, of all people, ya should be chiming in about your woman."

"I'm nothing without her.  Not anymore.  Everything about me is wrapped up in her.  I think she's the same.  It's just the way we are, you know, Todd and Blair.  A household name."

"Ah, ya got it bad, Paddy!"  Aiden said, laughing and tipping his head back with his bottle. 

Both men had finished two beers each, and Todd was nursing his first drink.  He said, "It's different with us, I  . . . can't explain it."

His tone made both men straighten their faces.  Patrick said, "Ya been through a lot, eh?  Still not easy for ya to be entirely happy.  Ya'r not used to it yet.  It can't sink in."

"I'm just jealous," Aiden said, becoming more serious.

"Get y'arself a woman, Lad," Patrick said.  "It's not like y'ar the ugliest beast."

"It's not that," and the conversation had taken a somber turn, "I don't have anything to offer.  I guess I'm good enough to look at, get physical with, but I've got no past.  I don't know who I am, or who I come from.  An orphan of sorts."

Patrick drank the start of his third beer.  "Ya mean ya can't remember?"

"Yeah.  If I do, Pal, I get the headache of the heathens."

Todd said, "I don't want to push you, but do you know anything aside from what you told me?"

"No, nothing."

"Well, memories are not all they are cracked up to be," Patrick suddenly blurted.  

Todd's face was a mixture of surprise and comedy.  "Uh, who's telling who that?"

"Remember the Wild Swan, Mr. Manning?"  Patrick said, and both he and Todd clanked their drinks and swigged.

"The Wild Swan?"  Aiden asked, "On the isle of Innishcreg?"

Both looked at him.  Patrick said, "Ya know it, Lad?"

"Know it?  I grew up on the isle.  I was raised there, by strangers.  They found me.  Don't ask how I got there or why.  I just know that they found me, raised me.  Named me Aiden."

He sounded confused, or, Todd thought, possibly avoiding thinking too deeply as it might result in excruciating pain.  He said, "You won't believe this, but Mr. Poet and I have a history there.  I was shot and left for dead.  Blair was pregnant with Starr."

"Ah, Starr.  Is she the lass I met today, slightly, at breakfast?  She was on her way out of the kitchen with the little blond girl?"

"Yep.  That's my daughter and her daughter."

"Ah, you're a grandpappy!"  Aiden said, laughing and drinking, but he could not keep from reverting back to a solemn expression.

"I am.  Couldn't love them more if I tried."  Todd added.

"Ya'r young for that," Aiden said, winking at the red-head as she now passed by.

Patrick said, "That coincidence is too much.  The fact that ya grew up there, and that we first met there, and that Todd almost lost his life there . . . "

Aiden said, "It is a bit of a trick on the mind."

Todd said, "You said you don't know how you got there.  How they found you."

Aiden closed his eyes, "I don't.  But I was still recovering, from this," he pointed to his head.  "It was fresh, the wound.  That's all I remember.  That and the one photo that was in my pocket.  The family that cared for me found it on me and gave it to me.  I've kept it ever since."  

He fished through his pocket, while Patrick went on.  "I also met Margaret there, on Innishcreg."

Todd started, "Wish I could share all of the fond memories there, but being shot in the back is . . ."  his words dropped off as he looked at the photo.  It was old, tattered.  The woman in the picture was raven-haired, with eyes that pierced even from the flat photograph.  He said, "Is this your mother?"

"Yes.  She's young there, in her teens."

"She's beautiful," Todd said, studying the photo another moment.  She was standing with a short coat and tights, with shoes with buckles on them.  "She's about, what, nineteen here?"

"She's seventeen in that photo, it's written on the back,"  Aiden said, drinking again, "I can't remember her in life."

He handed Aiden the photo back.  "She's really stunning.  Such dark hair, and light eyes.  Just like you," Todd added.

"I suppose.  That's all I have.  I don't know the rest.  That's it.  A man without a past."

***

Well then, we are lucky that we have Blair.  She forgave him.  I forgive him.  I will never be able to forgive Peter.  Some things are unforgivable.  Maybe someday the woman will forgive Todd.  

"Did you know that right now, he's in Ireland saving that woman's husband's life?  She already forgives him, Bea."

Bea's eyes filled with water, and she wrote, quickly, and handed it to Ray.  

That's beautiful.  My son, he is a good person, inside, when you push away all the hate and the pain.  Is he safe?  Will he risk his life?

"He may.  But he's a grown man, Bea.  He has to make choices for himself."

That is why they are all in Ireland, then.  The last time, you wanted me to think of God loving me.  And read about Him.  I did.  I want to believe you.  I do. It is very hard to believe that God will forgive me for letting my baby be hurt.

So, Todd brought everyone with him.  He did not want to leave them.  You told me that. 

"Yes.  They'll be home soon."

I am proud of him.  I am proud he is trying to make things right.  It has been many years, hasn't it?  He is still trying to make things right.  He must know it was all very wrong.

The expression on her face, coupled with her words on the paper, brought a lump into Ray's throat.  "I can assure you, Bea, he knows."

She wrote a while, this time, and Ray waited patiently, for her to hand him her words.

Just as I do.  I know how wrong I was to allow it.  I didn't mean to.  I thought about it, and you were right.  Sometimes I thought it was better to stay quiet, and just accept it, and it would be over.  But it got worse and worse, Doctor.  Sometimes, I can still feel some of it. 

I want to be forgiven.  Like Todd.  What good can I do so I can be forgiven?  I would like to have ideas of how I can make it right.

"You're doing it, Bea.  By loving him, and loving Blair and the family.  You're doing it by trying to get better, and facing it.  It will happen.  I can tell you, all of them already forgive you, and never really saw you as at fault.  But for whatever part you may have played, they forgive and love you.  And I think you are starting to believe it."

She smiled at him, and took the pad, and scribbling quickly, she turned it back to him.  She'd drawn a heart with wings.

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