Todd Revisited: Alone (Chapter 7)

Something felt entirely wrong as he walked on the heat-streaked sidewalks through a town that didn't know him. In the past, people crossed to the other side when they saw him coming; now, no one looked a second look, except maybe to glance at the scar. It was the strangest feeling, ambling along somewhere you knew and loved for years as someone that no one knew or loved. And a decision had to be made. How can I get my life back? And in asking himself that question, he also posted another, What life?

He'd been walking longer than he realized. He stopped at the corner, and looking around, realized that a few blocks more he might hit Angel Square, or could go in the other direction and head back to the Minuteman. He wasn't sure what to do, or where to go, he just knew he was totally alone. He'd been here before, this complete isolation, surrounded by people, but lonely. He'd shared small spaces with people before and still felt this sense of barren hopelessness. He was here again, in that detached surviving thing.

And among all of those times of being exiled and forsaken, there were a few that could bring back this same sense of nothingness that he had today. A few that just really took who he was and handed back to him just what he had deserved. They were the times in solitary confinement in Statesville Prison, (he started wondering why things THAT old were so picture perfect clear to him), the time spent healing in Aman's cottage in Ireland, and the time when he was tied and up and thrown in the  . . .

Searing pain started without the speckling warning of heat in front of his eyes and to maintain his sanity, he stopped himself, immediately, from going further. I can't remember that. Something wants me to forget that. He couldn't even SAY to himself what THAT was anymore. He just knew he had to stay away from remembering it until something changed, or until he could get help.

Instead, he chose to mind-view what it was like when he and Blair were first married. Then, he went through the best of times; time in the penthouse, time at The Sun, time in the stables. . . just time. Easy to recall and the happiest time of his life.

He flashed on when he returned from Ireland in 1996 and saw his baby, Starr, for the very first time. And, Blair. He could never stop thinking of her, unless he made himself. If only he had fought. If only he had forgotten his pride and listened to Vicki and everyone else, and just accepted Blair with her faults, the way she always accepted him, maybe they would not have lost so much time. And later, all of his mistakes and lies and his plans to try and keep her, when all he would have had to do was love her.  He knew he was just not able to stop himself and that he never believed she would just take him as he was and love him "just because."  What if that happened again?

And now, the great regret was that he never could quite let her love him and accept that she always would, or even tell her that he would never stop. That one fact about him is what kept him from his family - at least until "the end," as he called it. At least, this is what he believed to be true. Getting closer to remembering the "end," just brought the pain. And as tough as he told himself he was, and as "badass" as he was considered by anyone who used to know him, he just did not want that pain.


And at that moment, he realized that being lost in his own head again had brought him back to the Minuteman.  He opened his room door, and sat with Agent Kent's computer again.  He had to find out more about this guy, this impostor, who stole his family.  


Searching online about Todd Manning was easy.  He was, after all, notorious, even before someone had taken his life over.  But how could they all have believed it?  The keys clicked under his finger tips, as he scrolled through more and more articles about himself, or about the fake him, at least.  Finally, he settled on a video news report dedicated to The Fake.  That was it, for all intensive purposes, he would refer to "him" as The Fake.  


While listening, he was barely able to stand the number of voices inside his head: directing, suggesting, reacting.  He could not believe this guy!  Taking over The Sun, taking over his wife, taking over his kids?  He stopped for a moment to laugh to himself; getting kidnapped and being forced to impregnate someone?  It was almost comical.  He had to make sure that was off his resume.  Which brought him to his next idea.


"You mean nothing to me, but he means something to you."  He said aloud, and glanced back at Little Sam's picture on the screen.  So THAT'S who that kid was.  For now, he'd skip over the mention that The Fake had four children, and went off to complete his plan.