Failings of the Fathers: 30

Blair ran, cradling Jewel, to the bedroom, calling Todd's name.  By the time she got there, it was too late.  Todd had taken off into the skies, with Bitsy, and an important fact had been left behind.  "Oh damn," she said aloud, and placed Jewel gently into her basket.  "I'll text him.  He won't get it for a while, but at least he'll hopefully see it before he sees Ray."

She unlocked her screen and texted her husband the information, and sent the message.  When she looked up, Jack was at the door to her room.  "Dad gone?"

"Yep.  He'll be back in about two hours or so."

"Mom, I want to talk to you."  Jack said, plopping down on the edge of the bed.

"Sure, what's up?  You know you always can."

"I'm worried about Dad and Grandma."

"I know, I am, too, especially Bitsy."

"Dad, first.  Why the Hell did he go to Chicago, Mom?"

"Jack, it's all right.  It actually helped your father.  He wanted to see for himself that Peter was really dead."

"Grandma's dreams.  Dad was worried about them."

"Yes, he was.  And he had his own about it.  He wanted to make sure.  He was worried what might happen if Peter was alive.  There's a little more to it, but, he's finally put it to rest.  And it's good, I think."

"He looked sort of bad, when he got back."

"He was tired, Jack.  And it was emotional for him.  But he's all right.  This thing with Grandma Bitsy, though, is very, very hard."

"Yeah, well, she's cracked, Mom.  Seriously.  Those dreams and those drawings?  I mean, Sam's around that, and he's a little kid."

"That's true.  I don't think she'd hurt us, though."

"No, but he was real upset about her last night.  He really was.  It took a lot of ice cream with extra chocolate sauce to make him stop blubbering."

She smiled, "You're so sweet to care about your brother.  We know, and we're working on it.  Your father just took her to an appointment.  Ray will help."

"Mom, I just want things to be normal.  I know that word doesn't always fit us, but I really want it to stop.  We need a break.  Especially Dad."

She nodded, turning her attention to the baby a moment.  

"And Mom?"

"Yeah, Jack?"

"You made a beautiful thing.  Jewel's so great."

"Thank you, Jack.  I made a few beautiful things, and you are one of them, Young Man," she kissed his cheek.

"Okay.  I just wanted to say something about it.  I gotta go do my homework."  He got up and left the room.  Blair checked her phone to assure that the text message went through, and leaned back for a short nap.

***

After delivering his mother to Ray's office, in which she entered, all smiles, Todd checked his phone.  He read the message from Blair, and leaned into the wall.  "Momma," he said aloud, and then walked to the lobby.  He found an empty bench and sat, staring at his phone.  "The sparrows.  Hmf.  She can't take living.  And he did all this."

He flicked through his phone pictures, and looked at his family, and one frame was Jewel in his mother's arms.  Bitsy looked so happy and innocent.  Childlike in her expressions, she was in awe of the baby in the photo.  His eyes blurred.

In a few minutes, he spied Ray, walking toward him, without his mother.  He had the sketch pad under his arm.  Todd swallowed, knowing it was unusual for Ray to be coming to find him, and the hour was not up.  He said, "Okay, it's bad, right?"

Ray sat next to him and sighed, "Todd, I . . ."

"She wants the sparrows.  She drew it.  I found a text from Blair about it after you guys started.  I decided to wait and tell you after."

"Todd, I can't advise you to take her out of here.  She's not in a good place.  I'm sorry, but she's not based in reality right now.  That could be a detriment to your children."

"She'd never hurt my family.  Or me," he teared up.

"I am not suggesting that.  Just the mere presence of her, not in her right mind, Todd.  It's an influence. It's upsetting.  Sam is at the age . . ."

He flashed on Sam, the evening before, red-eyed and eating his sundae.  "I know," he interrupted.

"She's becoming a danger to herself.  You can't allow your children to see that.  I know you love her, and want her well, but she has to be taken care of, Todd.  I feel partially responsible for being so certain that science said she was ready."

"Where is she, Ray?"  he said, with tears brimming in his eyes.

Ray put a hand on his shoulder.  "She's . . . I had her brought to a room.  She's catatonic, Todd.  She's inside herself.  Medication did not bring her out.  It was almost immediately upon the session starting.  With these things she's dealing with, she just can't."

Todd squeezed his eyes, to push back emotion.  "She can.  She taught me how to go inside, I showed her how to fight it."

"Todd, she's not you."  Ray sat down next to him.  "She's not, and you have to understand that."

"What's so great about being me, Ray?  You act like it's a golden opportunity or something?"

"Simple.  You're strong.  And your mother, she just can't.  You have to be able to accept that she's not as strong as you are.  And that maybe what she has gone through is too much for her.  She can't fight it.  You did, you could.  She can't.  Right now, she's safer inside herself.  You have to believe that, and let her get the help she needs."

He sighed, raggedly, "I can't let her go.  She's my family, Ray.  She's . . . the only mother I knew."

"She'll be back with you, Todd.  She will.  Just not right now.  I'm sorry," he said, and got up and walked off.

Todd found himself outside the doors before he even realized what was happening.  He'd pushed through them, and knocked into at least one orderly on the way.  Now, he made his way across the yard to where the copter was parked, and jumped, almost effortlessly, into the driver's seat.  In almost one motion, he put his pilot's earphones on, fastened his belt, and hit his hands onto the steering gear with a loud thump, which he repeated four or five times, increasing in intensity, each after the other.  After the last pound, that sent shattering pain through his wrists, he broke down, his head resting on the equipment.

***

"Mom!" Starr said, running to her, and Hope was behind, dragging a doll across the floor.

"Starr!" Blair said, getting up off the couch in her bedroom sitting area.  

They embraced, and Starr said, "Where is she?"

"She's right here," Blair said, pointing to the little basket that was on the coffee table.  

"Oh my God!" Starr exclaimed, so moved that she covered her mouth and sniffled.  "She's so tiny!"

"She's the smallest baby I ever had.  Even smaller than you were."

"She's precious, Mom.  Oh my God, Dad must love her so much."

"He does.  You know, he delivered her, right?"

"Tell me more about that.  I mean, he's done it before."  Starr said, and both of them sat in the sitting area.

Hope said, "Gramma, where's Ray?"

Blair answered, "He's sleeping honey."

"What about Sam?"

"He's in his room, playing.  Go ahead if you want."

Hope took a last look at the baby and went on her way.  Starr said, "Mom, she's gorgeous.  So, what happened?"

"Your father saved us.  She was breech.  He called Dorian and turned her.  It was . . . emotional for both of us.  And there she was, all of four pounds."

"She's perfect.  Can I hold her?"

"Sure.  She's not the type who minds, at all.  Go ahead."

"I can't believe how small she is!  Mom, she's just beautiful.  I can't stop looking at her."

"You sound like your father."

"Well, you know, I am his little girl."

"Yes, I know.  You've always loved him so much.  And he, you.  I'm amazed at what a father he's been to you, when he could be, considering everything."

"I never really doubted him.  He's had reasons, even if I didn't agree, for doing some of his crazy things.  He's just Dad."  She patted the baby gently.  "She feels like a little bag of sugar!"

"She does, doesn't she?  Uh, I think I hear your Dad and Bitsy coming," Blair said, going to the glass and looking up.  "Yep, there's the copter.  He really ought to name it."

"He nicknames everything else."

"He does, doesn't he?"  Blair said.

"You get the best one.  OTB.  We all know that one."

"Well, that's your father."

The copter parked, and they continued to talk.  Finally, Starr said, "Mom, he's taking a really long time."

"Yeah, you know, he is.  Let me go and see what's up."  She opened the glass panels, without her coat, and just rubbed her arms as she walked to the door of the copter.  He was sitting in it, and she could barely see him through the copter windows.  She knocked on it.  "Todd?  Come on, what's up?  Come inside, it's cold out here."

He didn't respond, so she went to the other side door and opened it, getting in.  She shut it, and joyfully said, "Hey, what are you doing out here, Starr's inside, and . . . where's Momma?"

He took off his earphones and finally made eye contact with her, his eyes red-rimmed and his face flushed.  She said, "Oh my God, Todd, what happened?" and her hand found its way to his face.  She thumbed his scar, as she had so many times.

"She . . . she had a breakdown, Blair.  She had to stay."

She leaned across and held him, and he closed his eyes in her embrace.  She whispered, "I'm sorry, Todd.  I'm so sorry."

"He did all this to her.  She's just not right, and it's because of that bastard."

His sadness moved into her like an exchange of air - unplanned, simple and instantaneous.  She remained strong and held onto him, and felt him clinging to her.  She said, "That's not permanent.  She'll be back with us.  She needs help, and you know that."

He pulled back from her.  "Yeah, yeah I know."

"It's okay.  She needs this.  You can go see her every day.  Right now, there are three girls that want to see you inside, not to mention, three boys."

"Peanut's here?" he said, wiping his nose with his glove.  She could see the sadness fading from his face.

"Yep, she is, and we're definitely going to have to wash that," she eyed his glove.

He half laughed, took the gloves off, and then touched her face.  "I couldn't do all this . . . you know . . . if you . . . left me or something.  Which would have been so much easier for you to do.  Probably should have.  Years ago."

"No, that would never be easier.  Ever.  Now let's go in and see your kids and your granddaughter.  Starr is really wanting to see you, and Hope, too.  They love you, Todd."

"And all of them have one thing in common."

"What's that?" she whispered, still playing with his hair.

"You gave them to me.  You give me everything, Blair.  That's why I want to give you everything back."

She moved forward and kissed him, gently.

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