The Mysterious Samuel Toddman: Chapter 41

After finishing their ice cream, Starr had gathered her textbooks and sat down to do some reading. Todd went back to the laptop to see if he could get anymore useful information on Hesser or the Kipling Facility. He discovered that the facility was started by a Dr. Ivan Kipling. It seemed Dr. Kipling had disappeared some time ago, but was rumored to have dabbled in mind control. Very likely the new projects were extensions of his original project. As far as Hesser was concerned, he had his money and interests well concealed. Todd already had found several companies that were no more than shadows really, he would get his contacts to work on some of them in the morning.

Starr put her work down and came over to her dad at the desk, "Dad you just got home, you should rest. I promised the Doctor you wouldn't overdo your first night home."

Todd looked Starr and said. " I've never been one to need a lot of rest and that's all I've been doing the last few days. Besides, we need to talk. We've put this off long enough." he got up and walked back over to the couch. " Come on Starr, there are things I need to know and only you can tell them."

"I don't know Dad, I don't want to get you upset or anything, maybe now isn't the time for a serious conversation. Like I said, you just got out of the hospital I wouldn't want to say something that might put you back in there." said Starr.

"But you see Starr, that tells me right there, that you're hiding stuff from me and I just don't do well when people hide things from me. So you might as well talk to me. I'm probably going to be upset no matter what." Todd looked at his daughter, he could tell she really was concerned for him. He patted the seat next to him and said. "It's OK Starr, I'll be fine. If I don't get some answers soon I'll go crazy. All of you have been walking on eggshells around me expecting me to crack. I'm stronger than it seems right now. Sure my ticker is a little weak but it's still going.  I'm not going to break anytime soon, at least I hope not. If you really want to keep my stress level down then help me. Answer my questions."

Starr sat down next to her dad. She wasn't sure what he wanted to know but she feared he was going to ask about Cole. Looking at him she replied."Alright Dad. Ask your questions."

"What did Cole Thornhart do to set Manning off?" asked Todd looking into her eyes. Starr dropped her gaze and Todd knew Thornhart did something he wasn't going to like either.

"Dad it happened a long time ago. Cole never meant to do anything, not really. It was a mistake." said Starr.

Todd took a deep breath." OK it was a mistake, but what was 'It'?"

Starr could see he wasn't going to stop until he had the whole story so she sat up straighter and looked him in the eyes again. “I'll start at the beginning. I had just started high school and was having a hard time.  I had just found out all about what you had done in your college days." she stopped and met his gaze and this time Todd winced. "During the murder trial all your past came out and I found out you had raped Marty Saybrooke. Then I had to stand outside the prison gates and wait as they executed you, or rather the man I thought was you. It was such a lot to take in. Thankfully the truth came out and Walker survived but he became doubly protective of 'his' kids.”  

Starr stood up and moved away thinking of that year. She turned around and faced her father. “The kids at school, especially some of the girls,were cruel and I met Cole. He was on the football team and a year ahead of me in school. Somehow we connected and one night we went to a party after a big game. I didn't know it at the time but Cole had been taking steroids. He was under a lot of pressure to be the best player at school and so had started taking them. That night at the party, one of the cheerleaders said something nasty and I got upset. Cole and I went to one of the bedrooms to get away from the crowd but Cole got the wrong idea and wanted to make out, I couldn't do it and he got furious and tore up the bedroom and accidentally tore my dress."

Starr stopped unable to tear her eyes away from her Dad's. She watched his hands dig into the cushions of the couch and figured she better tell the rest before he exploded. "Dad before you go off the deep end, he didn't hurt me, he just scared me because his rage happened so fast. The cheerleader call the cops and gave them my name and said Cole had assaulted me. I tried to tell the police that nothing had happened but they called our parents. Walker and Mom and Marty came down to the station and Walker about lost it when he heard the story, then he found out Cole was Marty's son. He accused Marty of deliberately bringing her son back and putting him in school with me just for revenge. Then we all found out Cole had been using steroids and Walker forbid me to have anything to do with Cole." Starr paused again waiting for a reaction. She wondered what was going on in her dad's head at the moment.

Todd had been listening, the more Starr said,the more he sympathized with Manning. He saw himself back in college and those early days with Marty. Then he went back to the day his rage got the better of him and he hurt Marty and had almost destroyed the both of them. Where Marty was concerned it seemed that fate had stepped back in and tangled them up again. Manning had reacted just as he would have, but obviously Starr had other ideas. Since Starr had stopped for a moment Todd asked. "You were forbidden to see him, how did you end up pregnant by him?"

Once again it was Starr's turn to drop her gaze. "I guess I'm my father's daughter. The more Walker forbid me, the more I did the opposite. Cole and I saw each other whenever we could find a moment. Then Walker disappeared only to be found months later. Someone had tried to kill him because he went looking for his son Sam. While Walker was missing Cole and I fell in love, and when Walker returned he grudgingly agreed we could see each other. Walker and Mom remarried to get custody of Sam and everything was great for a short time then suddenly Walker told us he was moving all of us to Hawaii and I freaked. I thought I was never going to see Cole again, so he and I met at the Palace and that is where Walker found us.  He went ballistic and started beating on Cord.  Later, I found out I was pregnant and Cole and I ran away to Atlantic City. Walker found us and when he tried to go for Cole,I tried to stop him.  He accidentally pushed me down some stairs and I almost lost the baby. That’s when Mom stepped in and took control.”

“About time, why did she wait so long?”

“She was trying to be there for Walker but when he endangered me and then Sam, she was forced to take us from him.  I made the decision to have the baby and I was going to give her up for adoption. In the end I got to keep my beautiful little girl and Cole and I moved in together right before my eighteenth birthday. Things were going pretty smoothly until Marty was pushed down some stairs and lost the baby she was carrying. Everyone suspected Walker of having pushed her and Cole nearly beat him to death. Cole found himself in jail for the second time. He was given probation because Walker chose to be lenient but when Eli Clark, Mom's last husband, kidnapped Hope and me, it proved too much for Cole. He thought we were in a warehouse that blew up and so he killed Eli after Eli was already in custody. That was Cole's third offense and he's at Statesville serving a ten year sentence and here we are with you."

Todd didn't know how to feel. First she drops the bombshell that she was caught in bed with Cole, at which point he would have probably torn Cole's head off if he was there right then. Then Starr tells him that Cole flew off the handle faster than he did. How could Walker have let them live together? He looked at his daughter and realized she was like him. Starr had made a number of rash decisions because she was reacting to her father's actions. Now she was living with the consequences of those decisions. Here she was an unwed mother of a two year old whose father was in prison for ten years and whether he like it or not, Todd knew it was all his fault. He'd wanted the best for his daughter. But his actions through the years had tainted her life and now she was caught up in his problems once more.

"This is my fault. You shouldn't be here. You need to get away from me and stay away. I'm the reason, your life is a mess. Your mom was right. She wanted you to have a normal life and a normal home and I screwed that up. Even when I wasn't here, my curse was and Manning ended up doing and saying much the same things I would have. You reacted to that and now you're here without a husband, trying to go to school and take care of a daughter all on your own. Shorty, I never wanted that for you. Please forgive me."

Starr looked at her father in surprise. The last thing she had expected was an apology. He really thought he was to blame for her life. As she sat there she realized there had been a lot of times she had blamed him for the turns her life had taken but now she knew that she had made her own choices. Had some of them been in reaction to her father's autocratic demands? Yes possibly, but she made up her own mind and always had. Sometimes it had gotten her into trouble and she learned that there were consequences for all actions.

If you made a mistake, you paid for your mistakes and went on. She would never regret having Hope and she would never regret being Todd Manning's daughter. She wasn't going to let him push her out of his life for her own good. It was her choice to be sitting with him at the moment and it was her choice to stay. So she needed to stop his pity party right now. "Whoa Dad, stop right there!  I don't accept your apology. You are not now, nor were you ever the cause of the choices I made. Sure I'm your daughter but my choices are mine and mine alone. Get this, I love my daughter and I don't think of her as some mistake I should be ashamed of. I don't regret falling in love with Cole either. He was my first love and we have Hope to show for it. I made my choices and Cole made his. That we can't be together is the outcome of those choices. We live and move on. If I learned anything from you when I was little, it's that you can't change what has happened but you can make sure it doesn't happen again."

Todd shook his head, had he just heard Starr chastise him the way she used to. He looked at her, yes there it was, that look of total exasperation because her dad was being an idiot. He used to love it when she got mad at him. If he had screwed something up, she let him know. Well he realized he had screwed up again and she was letting him have it. Boy was he getting sappy, he sat back and started laughing. Starr had just pointed out he needed to get over himself and boy was she right.

Her dad was driving her crazy tonight. She had just watched him go from super angry, to contrite, and now he was laughing his head off. Starr wondered if something was wrong, maybe he was confused from lack of oxygen or something. "Dad? Are you alright? You're not acting yourself. See I knew this would be too much for you."

Todd heard the concern in her voice and tried to bring his laughter under control. As his laughter subsided he held up his hand "Shorty relax, I'm fine. You just caught me by surprise and the absurdity of the moment set me off. By the way, Thank You. It's been a long time since I've laughed so hard even if it was at myself." He grinned at his daughter.

Heaving a sigh of relief, Starr checked her father over. He seemed fine after all . Maybe he had just needed to release some pent-up emotions. One thing was good, his anger toward Cole seemed to be forgotten. " Well if you’re sure you're okay, why don't we call it a night."

"Hold on Shorty, we're not quite done yet. I get that I'm not to blame for your choices but you need to admit that you've made some bad choices because you were trying to get back at me or Manning. So the question comes down to this. How do I get past the fact that you felt you had to get back at me? Were you that angry at me?" Todd asked

Starr thought about his question. She had never thought about it before but she had been mad at him for a long time. Of course it was Walker she had really been mad at but her Dad had a share of that anger too. " I guess I was Dad, you always professed that you loved me, but then you would always disappear. When Walker came to town, he said he knew you were alive but couldn't come home at that time. Why Dad, why did you always leave? When I was little and you married Tea, you just left. You didn't even say goodbye. Then you and Mom finally got back together and you messed it up again. Every time you messed up, you and mom broke up but I got left. Then you disappeared in 2003 and again, no goodbye. It hurt Dad, it hurt bad. I wanted you back so bad that when Walker said he was you and told me things I thought only you could know, I believed him. But you know what Dad, he kept leaving too. I know that some of the reasons were beyond your control. It still didn't make me feel any better. Walker had as much, if not more trouble than you, sticking around. First he ended up in jail for raping Mom...,"even as she said it she wished she could take it back.

"He what! He raped your mom. I don't care if he's pawn or not, he's a dead man. I'll kill him." Todd was furious. There was no way he could have raped Blair. He had come close to it only once but had stopped himself. That was something he would never do to another woman. He began heading for the door.  Suddenly, he realized he was being held.  He started to shake free, almost throwing whoever was holding him to the floor, but as he grabbed the arms he heard Samuel. "Todd, stop now!  You're going to hurt Starr." he stopped and blinked. He was gripping his daughter's arms and she was scared to death.  He let go and staggered back. God what have I done.  I almost hurt Starr, what kind of monster am I? He stumbled to a chair and sat down shaking uncontrollably. He was so cold.

The moment the words left her mouth, Starr knew she had just lit a powder-keg. In seconds her dad had headed to the door and she knew he was going after Walker. She had gone after him instinctively, knowing she had to stop him from leaving the Penthouse and making the biggest mistake of his life. What she hadn't been ready for was the rage on his face when he grabbed her. She had never confronted that rage before, she was scared for him and for herself. How was she going to stop him? Just as suddenly he had let go of her, but the look on his face tore her heart in two. He was terrified he had hurt her and it had horrified him. He had turned so pale then he collapsed in the chair. She realized he was in shock, he thought he had been about to hurt her.

Starr grabbed a throw and quickly went to wrap it around her dad. "Dad it's alright.. I'm alright.. you didn't hurt me." She reached up and cupped his face in her hands. "Dad you've got to believe me.  I'm not afraid of you. I know you would never hurt me. You were just angry, but I know you weren't angry at me. Please tell me you're okay." she knelt down and hugged her dad until he stopped shaking. She rearranged the throw around his shoulders, as she was fixing it he reached for her and turned to face her. She looked into her Dad's eyes. He looked so haunted.

He struggled to get out the words. "God forgive me.... I would never ever hurt you..you must believe that!"

She was crying as she hugged him close again and said. " I know Dad, I know!"

They comforted each other and then Starr felt her dad withdraw. It had been a subtle change just a simple straightening of his shoulders, a breath drawn in and exhaled and she released him. He still looked way too pale. Todd removed the throw and handed it to Starr and stood up and crossed to where he kept the liquor. Grabbing a glass he poured himself a drink and downed it immediately, then he poured a second. He took the second drink and walked over to the portrait of Blair in his arms.

Todd recalled that night like it was yesterday, it had been perfect. What was really funny was that when he and Blair had made love that night, Blair was already pregnant with Starr. She had been conceived only four months before. The irony of full circles is how things can come back and haunt you. It was only one or two days later after making a baby with Blair that he had turned around and almost raped her. Now after all this time to hear that she was raped and supposedly by him, what a cruel joke. He downed that second drink and headed to get a third. As he reached for the bottle a hand reached over and stopped him. It took but a minute to realize that the hand wasn't Starr's, there she was, her eyes glistening with tears as if she had just stepped from the painting.

Todd didn't know how she had gotten there and he didn't care. Setting his glass down he swept her into his arms and carried her back to the couch. Then he slowly began undressing her. One by one he unbuttoned her blouse and removed her bra his fingers caressing her breasts. Blair had wasted no time getting his shirt off and her hands were playing across his chest as once more he captured her lips. Together they explored each other remembering all those special places that they knew to give pleasure to each other. They ended up on the floor in front of the fireplace with nothing between them and only the throw covering them. He held her close and looked down into her eyes, "You are more beautiful, then I remembered. You'll always be the one for me. You were my salvation one Christmas when I didn't think I had any one. You're the mother of my children please don't send me away again, I'll die for sure."

"Todd there is no one else I want. You have always been the one who understood me, and accepted me. I don't ever want you to leave again and I'm never going to let go, I realized that the moment I saw you in Paris. We're stuck with each other so get used to it." he lowered his head and captured her lips as she reached up and tangled her fingers in his gorgeous hair.

Some time later Todd fell asleep in her arms and she held him close. She had been so terrified when she'd received Starr's text messages. Blair had rushed out of the house and headed straight for the penthouse. Starr's message had said something about accidentally telling Todd about Walker and her and the rape. The second part had simply said 'Dad needs you.' When she had walked into that room and seen Starr's face she had known something bad had gone down. She moved into the living room in time to see Todd head over for another drink. The instant their hands had touched there had only been two people in the room, her and Todd, no one else mattered.

Blair looked at him sleeping, Tea had told her that Todd had always has trouble sleeping without waking up as if from a nightmare. Blair had different memories. There had been nights when Todd had trouble getting to sleep and nights when she was sure he didn't sleep. But there had been nights after they made love that his sleep had been undisturbed. She remembered him saying something to her during their last wedding about how she kept the noise away. Was that it, was she really able to help him shut off the voices in his head? Did that explain why he was able to sleep with her when he had had trouble with Tea? God, to be able to help him with that made her feel so good. He needed her as much as she needed him. She would tell him her story in the morning. She carefully reached and snagged a couple of throw pillows. Positioning one under his head and one under her own, she got comfortable and fell asleep.

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