The Mysterious Samuel Toddman: Chapter 48

It was late, but Todd was too agitated to sleep. His thoughts kept going back to what he had blurted out to Ray. He had been trying to act like everything was okay, but now he realized he had been fooling himself. He hated Manning with a passion. While he had been trapped inside his own head, Manning had been loving Blair and the kids and watching them grow. The guy had screwed up with them too. Manning had hurt Starr and almost raped Blair. Then he had gotten involved with Marty and her son. The man was a menace and he was walking around with Todd's name. Now someone had shot him, Todd was finding it hard to have any compassion for him. The problem was that Starr loved him and so did Blair, and right now that was eating away at Todd's insides. Logically he knew he shouldn't be upset. They couldn't help that they loved Manning, but they loved him because they thought he was Todd.

Todd walked over and poured a drink.  If he managed to prove Hesser was behind all this, Bo better get to Hesser first, otherwise he was a dead man.  He took a drink and looked at Samuel's gallery.   Tonight he felt like destroying every one of them. "Not one of you suspected he might be a fraud. How could you do this to me? Why were you so quick to believe him?" he downed his drink and grabbed the bottle and poured another one. He wanted to tear into something, anything, his anger was just below the surface and he could feel Pete cackling in his head. "Come on Todd DO IT! RIP THEM TO SHREDS! That's what you really want! TEAR THEM TO PIECES! It would serve them right!" Everything faded for just a moment. The next thing Todd heard was a huge crash.

His vision cleared as he tried to figure out what had just happened. PLEASE, GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE. His eyes went to the gallery, the portraits were intact, but liquor and broken glass were everywhere. He had heaved the bottle at the paintings. It was a miracle he hadn't damaged them. Todd screamed, his frustration and anger and fear coming forth as he dropped to his knees staring at the fireplace. When was it going to stop? Would it ever stop? He started crying as all the hurt settled on him, pushing him to the ground, smothering him in his grief until exhausted he passed out.

Blair stepped off the elevator. She was so glad to see the penthouse. She had left Starr and Jack with Tea, Dani, and Vicki and had come to check on Hope and see how Todd was handling everything.  It couldn't have been easy for him today. She knew he had seen Ray and Blair wondered if Ray was going to help. Addie had called and read Blair the riot act for not telling her about Todd but had said she'd keep it to herself. When she entered, Blair heard Hope crying over the monitor and wondered why Todd hadn't checked on her. Then the smell of alcohol assailed her. What had Todd done? Surely he hadn't gotten drunk, with the baby upstairs. "Todd what are you thinking...." she stopped Todd was lying on the floor curled up in a ball, the room reeked of alcohol, but then Blair saw the shattered bottle and the liquid still dripping from the fireplace. The odor was from the broken bottle, but if Todd wasn't drunk. "My god, Todd,..."Blair rushed to check on him. He was passed out and clammy.  She checked his pulse it was steady but a little slow. Blair grabbed the throw and covered him. "Todd, come on wake up you've got to wake up," he appeared to be in shock.

What could have happened? Blair sat on the floor and gathered him as best she could into her arms. She began rubbing up and down on his arms trying to get some warmth to him. Suddenly he moved and burrowed closer, then she felt his body shuddering and realized he was crying, but there was no sound. It was as if he had been crying for quite some time and all that was left were the shakes that wouldn't stop. "Todd, what is it? What happened? Shh, it's alright... oh Todd... I'm here... Please, I want to help." Blair felt helpless, so she held him close and hummed softly in his ear the way she used to do when Starr would wake up crying and scared of something. She didn't know how long she sat with him but he finally stopped shaking and it appeared he had fallen asleep. Blair laid him back down on the floor grabbing a pillow and putting it under his head. She left him there covered up and went up to check on Hope.

Once she knew Hope was fine and asleep again, Blair grabbed the blanket off Todd's bed and went down and tried to make him more comfortable. Then she headed to the kitchen and got some towels and the dustpan so she could clean up the mess by the fireplace. Todd or somebody had been extremely angry when they threw that bottle, the amount of shattered glass told her it had hit with tremendous force. Had Todd been aiming for the portraits? Had it even been Todd?

If Todd had aimed for the paintings the question was why? As she finished cleaning the mess up, it suddenly occurred to her that it had been Todd. Only a very angry Todd would have made this mess. It was pretty obvious who he was angry with. He was angry with them, but he couldn't destroy their portraits. He had thrown it high on purpose because he loved them too. But the man she had found on the floor hadn't been angry, Todd had been crying because he was hurting, hurting so deeply he had collapsed. Were they the cause of that hurt, had they all been so blind that they hadn't seen it? She realized he had been giving them hints. He had asked them all, in one way or another, how they had taken Walker for him. Now today, he had seen them all head to the hospital to be with Walker. Poor Todd he must have felt abandoned by the very ones he thought had his back. Blair felt her own tears start to fall. He had been putting on such a brave front when in reality he was miserable. She needed to make sure that Starr and Vicki knew what he was going through. It wasn't going to be easy, but somehow she would make it up to him.

Blair stayed with Todd through the night. She had never seen a night as bad as this one. Several times Todd had started thrashing around in the throes of a nightmare breaking into a sweat one minute and then getting still and clammy the next. The still moments were the more terrifying because those were the times when his breathing got more labored. Whatever Todd was dreaming about was slowly killing him. It was no wonder he had hated sleeping. In the predawn hours Todd had slipped into a quieter sleep, the nightmares were over for the night. Blair snuggled close and held him trying to let him know he wasn't alone. She drifted asleep right before dawn.

Todd woke slowly trying to figure out where he was. He heard Hope chattering away in her room and realized the morning was already underway. It took another moment to recognize he was lying on the floor with Blair wrapped around him but that they were both fully clothed. The last thing he remembered was having a drink waiting for Blair, or Starr to get home. He had lost some time and didn't like that idea. It had been ages since he'd had actually lost moments of his life. He didn't count the time Samuel had been out because that loss of time had been triggered by artificial means. This loss of time had been triggered by something inside him and he found that more disturbing. Todd carefully slipped out of Blair's arms and took the stairs to Hope's room. She was glad to see him and he picked her up and headed back down the stairs. As he came down he saw that Blair had awakened but was looking around alarmed, when she saw him relief flooded her face.

"Todd, are you okay?   I was scared when I didn't see you," asked Blair looking at him intently.

"I'm fine. Hey, did we just have too much to drink or what? How did we end up sleeping on the floor? I could have sworn I only had one drink. I'm sorry I must have had more than I thought because I don't remember you coming in." Todd put Hope in her playpen and help Blair off the floor.

Blair looked at Todd, now she was worried, Todd had no memory of throwing the decanter or collapsing. He had a blank spot where a memory should be and if he had been drinking a lot that would have explained it but from the quantity of liquor she cleaned up she was pretty sure he only had one or two drinks. "Todd, you weren't drunk when I got here, you were passed out. What's the last thing you remember?"

Todd frowned, it was worse than he thought. He really had hoped it was just lost time from drinking too much. " Well see, if I was passed out then I probably did have too much to drink, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drink that much. Everything was alright with Hope, wasn't it. She was asleep right before Addie and Sam left. I hope I didn't scare you too much. As far as the last thing I remember, I don't know, I think I was wondering when you or Starr might get here. Why did you ask that?  Are you leaving something out? You said I was passed out. What else happened?" Todd looked at Blair. She wasn't telling him everything and she looked concerned about something. "Ok Blair, tell me."

Blair looked at Todd and knew she had to tell him.  He had no memory of it of what had happened. That could only mean he was subconsciously hiding it. If the memory was that bad he needed to remember it, not hide it. “Todd, when I got here the first thing I heard was Hope crying and I wondered how come you hadn't heard her. The living room reeked of alcohol and I thought you had gotten drunk. I came in ready to read you the riot act and found you on the floor. At first I did think you were drunk until I saw where the alcohol smell was coming from. Todd, you smashed the decanter full of liquor against the fireplace. There were glass fragments and liquor everywhere."

Todd's eyes immediately went to the Gallery.  "No, you didn't damage them. I knew you had to have been angry when you threw the bottle, but you threw it high to miss the pictures. When I saw the mess I knew something had happened. I couldn't rouse you, but you weren't drunk. I was really worried Todd, you appeared to be in shock, I couldn't get you to wake and you were pale and clammy. I held you in my arms, but you weren't aware of me, You were lost and crying and all I could do was hold you. Do you remember any of that?"

Todd felt like he had been shot through the heart. He couldn't remember and that could only mean one thing. He was losing it. His anger had bested him last night, but he had fought it or he wouldn't be here. Still, if he lost control last night then it wasn't safe for Hope or Starr to stay. "Blair, if what you said is true, then the girls can't stay here. I don't remember but if I got that angry it’s not safe for the girls. I could hurt them if I lose control again."

He looked devastated. Blair didn't believe for a moment that he would hurt the girls, in fact, the very opposite was true. He was convinced the anger got the better of him, but Blair knew the damage he had caused was nothing like he was capable of. He had reined himself in. She was more concerned about the loss of memory. "Todd, listen to me. You're not a danger to Starr and Hope, yes anger got to you last night, but I've seen you do far more damage when it's overtaken you before. I think you controlled the anger but what followed is what alarmed me. You weren't angry when I found you, you were hurting. Talk to me, please I want to help."

Todd backed away from her and she watched him shut down. She knew then that she was right. Todd couldn't face the hurt so he'd walled it up. He was going to wall all of his feelings up again if she couldn't get through to him this time, and all the progress they'd made would be lost just like that piece of memory. She knew that for now the conversation was over. "Look don't worry about it. You go start some coffee and I'll get Hope cleaned up. Alright?" Todd looked relieved and nodded. He headed for the kitchen and Blair picked up Hope. "Little one, we're going to need to work on getting Sir Dragon to let his feelings out. Come on, let's get you dressed."

Blair carried Hope into the kitchen and put her in the high chair. She got some cold cereal out and put some on the tray so Hope could munch, then she made breakfast for her and Todd. He sat at the table looking pensively at Hope. She knew he was still thinking about his actions the night before.

Todd was worried, but he wasn't sure which worried him more. The fact that he had gotten so angry that he had acted out bothered him, but the fact that he had forgotten it and everything that followed the action, scared him even more. Blair asked him what had hurt him, and he had seen pity in her eyes. He hated that. He didn't want her pity. Then when he had backed away from her, he saw the pity turn to hurt. Todd was trapped once again between hurting her unintentionally or allowing her to see his hurt. Why did it always happen that way with them? He was going to keep making these mistakes unless Ray could help him. Hopefully, Ray would call with a time for tomorrow, the sessions couldn't start fast enough for him. Todd turned his thoughts to yesterday and how happy he and Blair had been when she left. Then everything had changed when Starr had told him Manning had been shot. Todd realized he still didn't know if Manning was alive or dead. "Blair you came here last night, does that mean Manning is OK."

"I don't know. When I left last night he had made it through surgery but was in a coma. I thought Starr would have come home by now.  Maybe she took Jack home first, I'll give her a call after we eat. Now you have to eat something. You’re still looking awfully pale. I was really worried about you last night, I almost called 911 several times. We've got to find a way to stop this up and down cycle your body is going through. What happened with your day after I left yesterday?"

"Oh, you want to know about my day from hell, huh. Well let's see, I had quite a morning, first my daughter dropped the bombshell that Manning was shot. Then I got proof from Bo that I am who I say I am. Whoopee! What happened next? Yeah, I remember, Llanview's favorite DA dropped by to see if I'd had anything to do with the shooting. Oh Goody, that was so much fun." Todd was literally spitting out the words. Then he caught a look at Blair's face. "What? Why are you looking at me like that." She looked close to tears. Now, what had he done?

"Why are you so mad? What has you so riled up, Todd?" asked Blair quietly.

Todd stopped. "What do you mean mad. I'm not mad."

"Todd, you were practically snarling. I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you by asking about yesterday. Maybe we should just talk about something else. " said Blair. She watched his face, as he realized what she was saying. He got so still for a moment.

Todd closed his eyes. What was happening? Things were escalating and he was losing control. "Samuel, Tom, anybody, where's Pete?  Have you seen Pete?" he heard Samuel reply. "Todd, it's not Pete, you've just got to pull yourself together. You're still asleep. you need to come awake. Focus on Hope. you can do it." Todd opened his eyes and found Hope's, she was smiling. He kept his eyes on her and thought of her laughter at dinner last night, and he thought of Addie kissing him and calling him Beauty's Beast in that loving tone she could get. He pushed the anger aside and thought of the night before last and Blair singing in his ear and their lovemaking afterward. Then he moved his eyes to Blair's and saw the concern and the love. It was like the fog from last night suddenly lifted and he could see clearly again. It was ok, he was okay, it hadn't been Pete. It was just a dream, that was it, he just needed to wake up.

Todd blinked and realized he was sitting at the breakfast table. Looking down he saw a breakfast in front of him and suddenly he was hungry. He smiled at Blair and started eating. Looking at Hope he grinned and made a funny face, he felt like the world had just righted itself.

Blair couldn't believe what she had just seen. The man eating breakfast was the man she had left yesterday morning. All signs of last night's drama were gone. This was just getting weird. What did he remember of last night?  Did he know what had just occurred or had she been sitting with someone entirely new? She needed to know. "Todd do you know what just happened. Do you remember what took place yesterday."

Todd looked up from his plate, he had been waiting for this. It was bound to happen sooner or later. He remembered everything now. Even the events from yesterday were back in place, up to and including his emotional break. He remembered giving in to his grief until he could cry no longer and the uneasy darkness he had dropped into when his body gave out. Todd even vaguely recalled being held. He was pretty sure Blair had held him. Todd also remembered waking up but everything that had happened after he had heard Hope's monitor was like a dream. He remembered everything that happened but it was like he was watching a movie, Everything he had done seemed surreal, even getting angry and he knew he had gotten angry, but in his dream he saw Blair's concern and it had triggered something deeper in him and he had called on his alters for help. Samuel had answered his call. Todd's closeness to Samuel and the fact that they were integrating is probably the reason he heard Samuel.

Todd knew she was waiting for an answer. He just didn't know how to explain it. "Blair I can see the concern on your face. I know what just occurred. It's something that has occurred very rarely with me but what you just saw was me sleepwalking, I know I seemed awake but in reality I was still trapped in a dream. Something you said seeped through and I was able to wake up. I'm sorry if I said or did anything to hurt you. Because of the extent of my nightmares last night I couldn't get completely free and though I appeared awake I wasn't, not until a couple of minutes ago." Todd stopped and looked to see if Blair was believing him. Well, she wasn't smirking and he knew he could prove to her what he had just said all he had to do was bring up “Sleepwalking” on his computer.

Now he had to answer Blair's other question. Todd had this inkling that Blair had figured out what was going on last night, and he didn't know how he felt about that. A part of him wanted someone to know how angry and hurt he was, but the other part was afraid to let anyone that close to him. He had always held everyone at arms length and the thought that Blair might have gotten to know him that well was down right scary and exhilarating at the same time. It was as if someone might finally understand him, without him having to explain.  He looked at her and said. "Yes, Blair, I remember everything about last night. If you really want, I'll try and tell you about it. OK."

Blair's smile lit up the room. "Anytime you're ready Todd, anytime you're ready!"

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