The Mysterious Samuel Toddman: Chapter 51

Todd paced the room thinking about the upcoming session. He was glad Starr had insisted that someone take him to Cherryvale. He knew his anxiety level was already way too high. Just knowing that Blair was going to be close by, was helping him keep it under control. He glanced over at Starr. She had been fairly quiet since returning from dropping off Hope. He figured her mind was on Manning and that whole subject was just going to make matters worse so he didn't try to get her talking.

Todd looked at the clock. Starr would be leaving for school soon. He didn't want to be alone. Too many thoughts were running through his head. If he kept listening to them, he'd be crazy by the time he got to Ray. Come on Blair.  What’s keeping you? Maybe she had stopped off at the hospital to check on Manning.  His heart started beating faster. Stop!  Don’t go there.   Todd could feel his anger building once more and he knew it was because of Manning. He hadn't even met the guy, but he hated him. Todd knew that there was a good chance that the guy was just as innocent of any wrongdoing as he, yet he still felt like Manning had come out on top all this time while he had been trapped.

Starr had been watching her father pace and knew he was nervous about the afternoon. He must have looked at the front door a dozen times just waiting for her mom to come through the door. She was as baffled as her dad, as to what was keeping her mom. They both heard the door together and then Blair entered the living room carrying a suitcase.

Todd raised an eyebrow at the suitcase. Was Blair going somewhere?

Surely she wasn't going out of town someplace now.

Blair saw their eyes go to her suitcase and couldn't help blushing a little. " I'm sorry I'm late. After dropping Sam off at school, I went back home to pick up a few outfits and personal items. It's presumptive of me I know, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to have a few changes of clothes here since I seem to be spending a lot of nights here." She looked at Todd and said. "That's alright with you, isn't it?"

Todd had the grace to smile sheepishly. He nodded and said. "I'm flattered. I hope that means I can count on more nights like last night."

It was Blair's turn to blush again. " I certainly hope so," said Blair. "Let me take these up to the spare room and you and I can get headed for your appointment. Starr, you should probably get going, you're going to be late for class."

Starr looked at her watch, picked up her books and headed for the door. Just as she was reaching the door, she stopped, went back to her dad and gave him a kiss. "You be careful. You just came back into our lives.  I want you to stay here for a while." Then she headed out.

Todd watched Starr leave and then waited for Blair. He was actually feeling better now, than earlier, because of Blair's action. She wasn't moving in of course, but at least, she had plans to be around often. Blair came back down the stairs and looked across the room at him. "Ok, Shall we go," she said. Todd nodded and they headed out.

They had stopped during their ride to have the picnic Blair had mentioned, but it had been a quiet lunch. Blair had tried to keep the mood upbeat, chattering away about Sam and getting him back to school and the way he'd tried to get out of it. Todd had listened and ventured opinions about why boys seem to detest school, but he was distracted for the majority of the ride. She pulled into the parking lot of the Clinic and together they made their way inside. Once inside they were directed to the room where he was to meet Ray. Ray was there waiting and Todd introduced Blair. After exchanging greetings, Ray showed Blair where she could wait.   Then he and Todd entered the room. It wasn't much, a desk and some chairs. Ray sat down and had Todd join him.

"So, Todd, I'm a little surprised you brought someone with you. Any particular reason" asked Ray?

Todd looked at Ray. "I'm not sure I can answer that except to say I need her close."

Ray looked at Todd closely and saw signs of strain.  It was obvious he was worried and stressed. Ray remembered when another woman had been important to him, it was clear that Blair was equally important, if not more so than Rebecca had been. "Ok, so before we get started, you should know I talked to Samuel's doctor at Llanview Hospital and got the okay to start you on this therapy but he did call the Clinic and they've been alerted to your health issue. Now, do you have any concerns we should address?"

"I've been thinking about this a lot Ray, I'm deeply concerned about my violent alter Pete. I'm afraid after you left the other day, that my anger got the best of me. I lose my temper just like everybody, but this time was different. The anger was building and I wanted to strike out and do some damage. I could hear him, Ray, he was goading me, telling me to take out my wrath on the ones who hurt me.  It was unnerving, it was like I was inside a cave and echo after echo was saying the same thing. “Go ahead destroy them.”  Everything got foggy and there was just the voice when a sudden crash occurred. At the crash, the fog cleared and I saw what I had just done. I had thrown an entire decanter of liquor at the fireplace just barely missing the portraits. I think Pete took control for one brief moment, but something in me wouldn't let him destroy the pictures so the throw had ended high. Ray, I'm terrified for them. If we're going to do this, having talked to my sister I kind of know what I'm going to have to do. I know I'm going to have to face all my alters and I feel when I get ready to face Pete we'll need to take precautions. If Pete overwhelms me I need your assurance he won't leave this room." Todd looked over at Ray waiting for his answer.

Ray had seen Todd's anger at work in the prison and knew what he was capable of. He had to wonder now if he had been seeing an angry Todd or an angry Pete. This was definitely going to be a challenge. Just from Todd's words, Ray could see there were several more issues that had to be addressed. Todd's anger issues were still first and foremost, and if they couldn't break down where the anger was coming from they wouldn't be able to work on the alter issue. Right now Todd needed an answer to his question. Ray knew he was right. Pete would have to be contained. He would be irresponsible indeed if he allowed Pete to leave. "Todd you have my word that when that time comes we'll have every precaution in place. Any other concerns?"

"Only one. If I get lost and I know this sounds strange but I feel that's a possibility, I want you to get Blair. She's been with me the last couple of nights and I just sense a connection between us. If anyone could get through to me, I think it might be her." said Todd. He didn't know what else to say. He felt a little foolish telling Ray about Blair, but he thought Ray should know.

Ray watched and listened as Todd talked about Blair. She meant a great deal to him. Todd's whole demeanor changed when he talked about her even his tone changed. Ray still didn't know enough about all of Todd's life since he saw him last so the first thing he needed was to get a history lesson from Todd. "I'll keep that in mind should we somehow lose you during therapy. Right now I need to get up to date on what has happened since we saw each other all those years ago. Then I'll have a better idea where we need to start."

Todd spent the next fifteen minutes revisiting his life from the pardon to the present day. Ray heard about Victor and Vicki again, then about Todd's near-death experience in Ireland. Ray watched as Todd told of coming home to his bride only to find her with Patrick, he heard Todd's anger as he recalled it and he heard the underlying pain. Ray recalled another conversation when Todd talked about his father and mother. Even back then Todd's voice had been laced with both emotions. Ray had gotten real close to getting to a truth about Todd, but they had been interrupted and he had never gotten back to that conversation. Ray listened as Todd told of his arranged marriage to his second wife Tea and of his growing love for her. Ray sensed something troubled Todd about Tea, but he would check that out later.

Next, Todd spoke about the Hostage event and how the alters had come forth. Ray was itching to find out more about what brought them out but that he decided was also for later. Todd told him of returning to Llanview and getting back with Blair, but he seemed to be leaving something out, something he was ashamed about. Ray added that to his list of subjects for a later date. Then Todd told of meeting his real father whom everyone had thought was dead. Todd's whole body changed when he talked about Victor, he truly hated the man who was his father but when Todd talked of his final memories in his father's tomb a different tone entered his voice. Ray heard fear, he looked at Todd's face and he was suddenly haunted, he was seeing something again and it was producing the same fear Ray had seen just a couple of days before. Ray made the decision then that he would start there. Samuel had said that Todd truly believed his delusion, Ray had to get that cleared up so Todd could get down to his real problems and from what he had heard Todd's real problems were doozies.

Todd had finished with his narrative, but his thoughts kept coming back to that last night in town. Why couldn't he shake the fear? Every time he tried to relive that night he was stopped cold. Oh, he remembered it, all too vividly, only days before it had crept up on him as he had tried to draw and the result had been horrifying. Todd turned his thoughts away as best he could and looked at Ray. "Well, that's everything, until I came out in the tomb over a week ago. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do this. I guess you'll have to be the judge when we get started how much truth I'm giving you because I don't even know anymore what's real and what's not."

Todd's honesty was very revealing. It was obvious that Todd was beginning to doubt his judgment, but he was going to forge ahead in spite of that. Ray nodded in answer to Todd then told him his own thoughts.

"Todd I think one of the reasons you're not trusting yourself is because you're living caught in between reality and delusions. I think I can help you break that delusion. Then we can concentrate on reality. Are you game?" Todd nodded. "Excellent then let's get started. Two days ago you had a panic attack and passed out on me. Once you were out, your breathing returned to normal and I thought you were waking up, but suddenly you screamed 'Not my Heart' in sheer terror and you passed out again. I couldn't get any response from you and then when I thought you were waking up I met Samuel.  He cleared some things up for me, but it's your turn now. Have you talked with Samuel about that night? Talk to me about your father, Victor and your first encounter with him. What stands out about that meeting?"

Todd was taken aback, he really didn't want to talk about his so-called father. " You're kidding right, why do you want to talk about that scum. I never liked the guy before I met him and I despised him after I met him. Do you know what he was up to right before he died? He was trying to extend his life by taking the heart of his granddaughter, Jessica. I mean he literally was going to have them take her heart and transplant it in him. Then when we met, he had the gall to say I was like him, that I had the heart of a Lord. He was creepy and a bastard, but he said I was like him, how do you think I felt. I'll tell you, I felt like filth and I wanted away from him as fast as I could get away, but then he grabbed my hand, he was dying but his grip was like iron and he forced his ring on me. It had the L that was his trademark, I don't know why but I actually started wearing it.  Some joke. He didn't deserve the name Lord and neither did I. He gave away his legacy for a heart and Mitch Lawrence took everything away from us. I remember trying to kill Lawrence, but my niece stopped me. That night I dreamed about my father or should I should I say I had a nightmare about him. He came to me and said he wanted my heart when I said no, he took the ring off my hand and said he would get it from my son. I remember screaming he could have my heart if he would leave Jack alone then I awoke and found myself trapped in my father's tomb. So you can see I have no love lost for Victor Lord." Todd looked at Ray. He seemed to be waiting for something else.

"Well don't stop there Todd you're leaving something out about your father aren't you?" Ray inquired

"What do you mean Ray?" Todd asked.

"What happened after you woke up. You need to talk about it or it will never drop its hold on you. Tell me something? Why haven't you asked Samuel about that night? I'm aware that whatever happened brought Samuel out, but you need to go back and look at what happened.  It's time you separated your Nightmare from the reality. You can talk to me and we'll see how far we can take it, if you lose it again then you'll have to confront Samuel and ask him to reveal the truth to you. Todd, you have to do this, it's crucial to your health too. The longer you suppress this truth the more stress you're putting on your heart. So talk to me. What happened in that tomb?" Ray looked at Todd. This was going to define these sessions. Could Todd push himself to go places he had always avoided?

Todd looked at Ray, he felt chilled, but his hands were getting sweaty. Ray wanted him to go there, back to his nightmare. God, I don’t want to do this.  He remembered when he had been shot by Bo and seen Rebecca's face.  He had done something then, he had decided to plunge into the icy river and take his chances.  He had survived and he was here today. Okay then, it’s now or never. Todd took the plunge. "Mitch had been taunting me most of the day about being able to hurt Blair and the kids. Then he left me there and when he came back he said someone had been killed and they were going to think I did it. At first, I thought he was talking about Blair, but then he informed me that my friend Sam had been killed. He had set me up to be the killer so it was time to make me disappear. Mitch had his followers bind me up and gag me. Then he had them place me beside my father Victor in his tomb. I couldn't do anything except watch them put that lid down on top of me. There I was alone with my so-called father. He was already beginning to smell, but I had no choice but to smell it. I couldn't hold my breath for very long and the air was thickening around me then I heard his laughter." Todd paused thinking about having to lay there next to a corpse and knowing he'd be rotting alongside him very shortly. "Breathing was getting difficult, but his laughter was getting stronger. I couldn't understand why he just couldn't let me die in peace."

"Todd, who was laughing? Who was tormenting you? Was it Mitch?" asked Ray, he was horrified by what he was listening to. How did one face what Todd had faced and survive with their wits intact?

"I saw him suddenly he was standing over me as cruel as ever, telling me I was worthless. My dear father, Peter Manning, standing there, he was getting a perverse pleasure out of watching me struggle for every breath.  I was getting what I deserved you see, he just wanted to come and make it final then he reached and started holding me down. I thought he was going to start hitting me so I began to struggle even more and another voice joined his, out of the corner of my eye I saw him standing there, he was watching as Peter pummeled me. I heard Peter offer to let him have his chance with me and Victor said he only wanted one thing. He wanted the heart of a Lord. I was hurting all over and close to passing out…”.

Todd had stopped talking. He was staring off into space. Ray got up and went to him. Todd wasn't aware of him, Ray took his pulse. It was racing and he felt clammy again. "Todd, snap out of it.  It's not real, you're here safe." Suddenly Todd's hand jerked free from Ray.

"NO GET AWAY FROM ME ... YOU CAN'T HAVE IT...DON'T TAKE MY HEART." Todd seized and dropped from the chair.

Ray wasted no time, he pushed a button and a nurse came running. Immediately she and Ray went to work to ascertain if his heart was involved. She checked his pulse, but it had slowed back down, and listening to his heart, indicated it was fast but steady. Ray told her to stand by and he went to find Blair. If it wasn't Todd's heart, then he was trapped in the nightmare. It was unorthodox, but Todd had said he felt connected to Blair. Ray had to give it a try. He needed to get Todd back or he at least needed to talk to Samuel, and right now Todd was unresponsive to anything.

Blair watched the nurse head down the hallway and prayed it didn't have anything to do with Todd. Her heart sank when Ray came out and looked straight at her. Todd was in trouble and Ray had come for her. She almost ran to meet him. Ray said three words. "He needs you." and that was all it took. They hurried back to the room. When she saw him on the floor she turned questioning eyes to Ray. He said."It's not his heart Blair. He's lost in his nightmare. He's not responding to me.   I'm hoping he'll respond to you.  We've got to reach him or Samuel as quickly as we can.  Do what you can.  Talk to him, hold his hand. He told me to get you if he got lost, he said he thought you had a connection. I'm hoping he was right." Blair sat down next to him and took his hands in hers. "Todd, it's me, Blair. You can't stay there, you need to come out. Now listen, I'm not going to explain this to your daughter again. You can't hide from me anymore I know all your tricks.  Playing possum isn't going to work this time." She leaned down close to his ear "Damn it, Todd, you told me you loved me!  You said you trusted me! You can't pull the rug out from under my feet again. Please, you got to come back now, we just want to help." Todd's hand grabbed hers. Blair gasped. "That's it, come on" Blair didn't care that they had an audience. She leaned over and began to kiss him. She was getting no response and her tears started falling then he began to kiss back. She laughed and sat up and saw his eyes on her. "We're putting on quite a show for Ray and the nurse. You and I are going to have a talk about the proper places for shows of affection."

Todd didn't say anything but when she tried to free her hand, he refused to let her go.

Ray was breathing with relief. That was as close as he wanted to come to a catatonic patient. He would never have forgiven himself if Todd had been trapped. Ray began to wonder if he had gotten in way over his head on this one. He knelt down beside Todd and said. "You were right, you two are definitely connected. I didn't realize I was going to have to call on her so soon, though. Let's get you off the floor. Nurse, would you bring us some water." He helped Todd get to his feet and since Todd was insisting on keeping a tight hold of Blair, Ray grabbed the second chair and positioned it right next to Todd's. They both sat down and Ray brought his chair around and sat facing them without the desk in between.

The nurse brought some water in and Ray poured Todd a glass, Ray was concerned that Todd still wasn't talking. "Alright Todd, give it to me, tell me I was a fool to bring up your father.  I didn't do it to hurt you, if you don't want to talk to me can I talk to Samuel?"

Todd looked over at Blair and squeezed her hand then he closed his eyes.  A minute later he opened them.

"Hello Ray, That was a little too close for comfort. Hello Blair, he's alright he's just terribly shaken." Samuel patted her hand in reassurance. "I'm sorry for the scare. When he dropped in he was as unresponsive for us as he was for you. According to Ms. Perkins, the only other time he was in that state was after the hostage crisis. Blair, I'm sure you remember. What is it you say? The love of a good woman works wonders. I guess I forgot to warn you he was stubborn Ray. How do you think he's survived all these years?  His will to live is the strongest around, but his psyche is as fragile as they come, that's why we're here. I know what you were trying to do Ray, but I think we're going to have to work backward. We'll have to start with me. Do you agree?"

Ray was still getting used to the fact that Todd had such control of his alters. When he had asked to speak to Samuel he hadn't really expected to see him. He had figured that since Todd was out the alters wouldn't appear, that Todd could indeed come and go as he pleased was amazing. Todd was a medical miracle and he didn't realize it. He thought of himself as damaged and worthless and looked on his alters as something he had to keep hidden because they just emphasized how different he was.

He had known that Todd was different.   He had seen signs that Todd had been abused early on and had wanted to delve into that past for Todd's sake. Something in his past created these alters. Instead of it crippling him like so many others had been crippled by their alters, he had embraced them and welcomed them as just another part of his screwed up life.  Then Ray registered what Samuel was saying and replied, " I think you're right Samuel, we'll have to start with your first memory and work backward so he'll be able to separate the reality of what had been going on, from his perception that it was a part of his delusion. I have to say to you and all of the alters, I find you incredible. I've never had this kind of discussion with an alter. Most alters will do everything in their power to retain control for as long as possible and many of them are so damaged themselves they invariably end up damaging their host, but what I've seen so far, indicates to me that all of you support Todd entirely, with the exception of Pete. I was worried I might have gotten in over my head taking on Todd and his problems, but I think with your help we can help Todd. Samuel, do you think he'll come talk to me now?" asked Ray.

Samuel closed his eyes, the pause seemed to take forever. Ray was wondering just what was going on in Todd's head at that moment. This might end up being the one and only visit he and Todd had. Blair squeaked when her hand was suddenly squeezed. She looked at Todd, his eyes once again found hers and she got another gentle squeeze. Then his eyes turned toward Ray. With a voice as cold as ice Todd asked. "Well did you get what you wanted? Am I a basket case enough for you?"

Todd's anger was palpable and Ray actually understood where it was coming from. In the months that he had treated Todd all those years before, Todd had hated when his weaknesses became apparent. Today he had shown a weakness to Ray and he was embarrassed.  Ray had to accept that anger and let Todd know that his weakness was not a flaw but the result of the punishment he had received. He had nothing to be ashamed of. "I apologize, Todd, you have every right to be angry. If you want to discontinue this therapy I understand. If you can no longer trust me then we won't get anything more done, but before you write me off, I want to tell you I still believe I can help you. You're not a basket case, but you do have some problems that will need to be looked at in detail and those will probably be as hazardous as this was. I see a man in front of me that is a survivor. To me, you're actually remarkable given all I know right now and if what I suspect is true about your hidden secrets, then you, my friend, are exceptional."

Todd sat there stunned, he had been so angry, but Ray's words totally surprised him he had never been called exceptional. Ray wasn't looking at him as damaged, Ray merely saw a man with some problems that needed fixing. He had been all ready to throw in the towel. Now he realized what Samuel had been trying to get through to him. Ray really wanted to help and Ray would work at it from any angle that would be beneficial for him. The anger drained away and Todd said only four words. "Then let's do it."

"Good Todd, I'm glad to hear you say that. You're much stronger than you think even if you sometimes take the route of least resistance and fall back on your Alters. I think we can help you break that reliance on them.  Given your relationship with them, traditional integration of host and alters might not happen, it's not a foolproof solution under normal circumstances. I think you've had all you can handle today. Do you want to have another session in a couple of days? If so, I already checked and we can use this room again. It's up to you. I actually learned quite a bit from today's session, so I'll have several pathways we can explore the next time. We'll table today's pathway for later if you want. So what do you say?"

Todd took a deep breath. This was going to much harder than he had anticipated. He had been angry at Ray, but he was also angry at himself. Ray was right, he had gotten into the habit of avoidance. But it was starting to affect how he lived in the world. He had tried avoidance after he had raped Marty and that had been a catastrophe. Once he accepted his role in Marty's rape he had been able to see what it had done to him. He had realized that he had caused his own downfall. He hated himself still for what he did to Marty and knew the shame of it would never go away. That self-hate and his fear of that anger in him that wouldn't go away meant he had a lot to work out, so he'd have to continue. "I'm open to any day Ray, so that will work for me. Same time?"

At Todd's words, Ray breathed a sigh of relief. He had hoped that Todd would agree to continue. " Same time will work for me. By the way.." Ray looked at Blair, " I think you'll need to come too. Is the day going to work for you as well? " Blair nodded. "Great then we'll see each other in a couple of days.  Todd, if you need me before then, here's my emergency number. I'm here for you, I want you to know that." Ray watched Blair and Todd leave and sat down to make some notes. When he and Todd had first started working together in prison, Todd had been so resistant to exposing any chinks in the armor that he wore. He had used sarcasm and anger to hide behind, rather than let anyone see he was hurting. Ray had sensed that he might make more headway with Todd if they had one on one sessions and he had been right. Todd had finally been able to open up a little bit. There had been a lot of hurt and anger toward his father Peter Manning.

Ray had managed to ascertain that Peter Manning had been a cruel and possibly abusive parent although Todd had never come out and said it. He remembered when Marty had asked if Todd knew what torture was, and Todd had looked right at her and answered yes. After what he heard today, he was almost one hundred percent sure that Todd literally knew what torture was. Peter Manning was dead, but he still tortured Todd. Todd's fear of both Peter Manning and Victor Lord was evident since they both played such an active role in his delusion. If he couldn't get Todd past the delusion maybe he should go back to the beginning. It was time Todd faced some of his father's abuse. Ray sat back and went over Todd's disclosures concerning his last night in town back in 2003. Ray had noticed one interesting thing about Todd's statement. There had been something very dispassionate about Todd's revelation about being entombed. He had recalled that as if it had meant nothing to him. Most people would have been terrified, but Todd had endured that with stoic silence.  It was the laughter he heard that had been his undoing. Ray wondered how many times Todd had found himself in dark and enclosed places.  In fact, with the exception of the time Todd had tried to escape by battering his head on his cell wall, he had always just resigned himself to it. Just what kind of Monster had Peter Manning been?

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