The Mysterious Samuel Toddman: Chapter 57

Blair looked over at Tea. " I'm sorry. If you had talked to Todd when you saw me in ICU this might have been prevented. We didn't know who was involved and Bo agreed that it wasn't time for Todd to show himself. Can you forgive me? I was so worried for Todd. You saw him yesterday. He's battling his anger, his body and himself. Tea, it's tearing him apart. You've got to realize that from his point of view we all betrayed him. We believed an impostor. His anger almost got the better of him the other night. It's raging just below the surface. Yesterday all it took was a little push and Pete broke free. He knows how volatile Pete is and Todd's terrified for all of us. Pete wants revenge on all who betrayed him. Todd has earnestly started therapy with a counselor from a long time ago. You met him yesterday. Ray is working hard to help Todd find a way to control or eliminate Pete. Todd's finally facing some hard truths about his life. I only pray he'll survive the therapy.”

Blair paused as Tea’s eyes shifted once again to her husband.  “I don't know if I've helped or hurt you more by what we've talked about. You're in an entirely different position than I am. You're married to a man you believed to be Todd Manning. If it's any comfort I believe he truly thinks he is Todd Manning. You've both been deceived by Carlo. You love him and so do I and the kids. Vicki is also torn between her real brother and the man she's believed to be her brother all this time. This whole mess isn't going to get untangled easily. When the truth comes out, the shockwave will very likely disrupt the entire town." Blair got up and hugged Tea, "You take care. I'll check back later to see if he's improved at all."

Tea watched her leave, then reached over and took her husband's hand. "You're my husband and I love you no matter who you are. Just come back to me and then we'll sort it all out later."

Blair entered the penthouse to find the downstairs dark. She walked into the living room and saw him resting on the couch. She didn't want to wake him so she headed to the kitchen and found Starr and Hope having a late lunch. She realized she hadn't had breakfast so she joined them and ate some lunch. Starr told her Todd had been resting as ordered. She had been about to go wake him to give him some lunch but Blair said she'd do it. Blair fixed a tray and carried it out and set it on the coffee table. Then she sat close to him on the couch and carefully woke him.

Todd jerked awake and immediately regretted it.  "Damn Blair, next time you knock me out, how about using something like a pillow or marshmallow," he sat up gingerly, holding his head.

"HaHa, Todd I'll go design a Knockout Pillow just for you. I brought you some lunch and I've got some news. I think we have another connection to the Kipling Facility." Said Blair.

Todd's eyes found her's, "What happened Blair? Where have you been?"

“I've been to see Tea. I had to see how she was doing after yesterday's revelations. I filled her in as much as possible and tried to make her understand why we hadn't let her in on your return. I think she accepts the reasons for the deceit, but it's going to take time for her to come to terms with it all. It turns out she did do a little investigating on her own last night. She found where Walker kept his stash of portraits and by accident she found a prescription bottle for Walker from a Doctor Kipling. The doctor at the Hospital informed us that the pills in the bottle didn't match the label. I called Bo, he has the bottle and is having the medicine analyzed to find out what it really is. The Hospital is also doing their own checking because the doctor believes the medicine might have something to do with Walker's coma. There's a very good chance that Dr. Kipling works for the Kipling Neuroscience Research Facility. If the pills are harmful then Dr. Kipling just got more interesting in the part he's been playing in all of this." Blair smiled at Todd, glad she could bring him some good news.

Todd smiled at Blair's glee. She was so glad to be helping him, it kind of reminded him of the early days when the two of them had schemed to outdo Max and Luna, or when Blair had helped him get the Sun started. They had worked well together. Blair was right, the information she had just gotten did prove that Manning was involved with the Research Facility. He knew they were tightening the noose around Carlo's neck. He prayed that Carlo would soon be brought to Llanview so Todd could get his revenge.

The phone rang and Blair answered. "Yes, I understand. I'll ask him, hold on." Blair looked at Todd, "It's Ray, he can get the room tomorrow if you're up to another session." Todd nodded. "It's a go, Ray. What time tomorrow? Ten O'clock will be fine. We'll see you then."

Blair glanced at Todd after she hung up the phone. "Are you sure you're up to this? You could wait another day."

"No, I can't. Blair, yesterday opened my eyes to a number of things. The biggest thing was that I have to stop hiding. I got to get this done before Pete gets out and prevents it. Tell me you understand and promise me you'll be there next to me. I need the strength I get from you." Todd gripped her hand.

" I promise, Todd. We'll face it together."

Todd pulled her close, studying her face as she knelt on the floor in front of him. He cradled her face and slowly kissed her, then drew her up to his lap and thanked her properly.

****

Todd carefully rolled out of bed, standing up slowly when the room swayed a little bit. He made his way to the shower and let the warm water flow down easing the aching head and muscles. He walked over to the mirror and looked at his reflection. "Samuel, is Pete restrained. I can't afford another episode like the last one. Tell me you have him covered."

“Relax Todd, Ms. Perkins and I have things under control. We'll keep him that way I promise.”

"Thanks, Samuel" Todd turned and went downstairs to find out Starr's plans for the day. She had made plans to see Walker and then spend a portion of her day with James. He sat down and had a cup of coffee with her and told her about the prescription Walker had been taking. He informed her that they were in the process of analyzing it to see if it was the cause of the coma.

Todd's phone rang. It was the commissioner. He listened and then hung up. Todd looked over at Starr. "It appears that someone's been giving Manning hallucinogens while making him think he was taking pain medication. Although the dose was small, if he's been taking them for a while then they've built up in his system and could easily have changed his brain chemistry enough to be a cause of his coma. The Doctor is going to try to counteract the effects but it will be a while before they'll know anything positive. If you see Tea, tell her I'm sorry."

Starr agreed to deliver the message and bundled up Hope and headed out. Todd got back on the laptop to read up on the techniques for integration of personalities. He wondered if he would ever truly be integrated because he didn't want to give up his Alters, he just wanted to eliminate one. He was still reading when Blair arrived.

She greeted him with a kiss and asked "Todd, how's your head. You're sure you want to do this today."

"The answer is still the same as yesterday, Blair. I don't think I have a choice I need to be in full control and right now that isn't happening. Shall we go?" Todd got up and grabbed her hand. "Come on Chauffeur."

On the drive to Cherryvale Todd informed Blair of Bo's call and told her the results of the analysis. Blair was stunned and worried. "Todd, Carlo means business and if we're not careful he might come after you next."

"I'll take my chances. He already took eight years of my life. I'm going to get him Blair." replied Todd

They arrived at the clinic and headed to the sessions room. Ray was waiting with the doctor and nurse as he had promised. The Doctor checked out Todd's eyes to make sure he had no lingering effects from the concussion.  It was agreed that the nurse would stay and the doctor would be on call should an emergency arise. Ray waited till all were comfortably seated and said "Ok Todd, you and Tom had some horrifying stories to tell the other day. I want to know how it made you feel when Peter upped his abuse. You would agree that Peter abused you right."

Todd looked at Ray. " How did I feel? I don't know, I felt a lot of things. I was bewildered and scared and hurt. I couldn't figure out what I had done to make him want to hurt me that way. I would try to do what he wanted but that sometimes made it worse."

Ray inquired, "But didn't that make you mad? Didn't you want an explanation? He was hurting you, surely you deserved a reason? Why didn't you ask?"

"You didn't ask my father anything. You were supposed to accept whatever he chose to do or face the consequences. I told you I was scared, he loved to dole out consequences." said Todd, he reached over and took Blair's hand.

"Why did you just do that, Todd?" asked Ray.

Todd looked at Ray. "Why did I do what?"

"Why did you reach for Blair's hand ." Ray looked at Todd. he watched as Todd looked down and saw his bewilderment. Interesting. Todd hadn't reached, someone else had.

Todd didn't relinquish Blairs hand but he did look at her. " I didn't know I had grabbed it," he looked across at Ray "What's going on?" with his other hand Todd rubbed his eyes. He couldn't seem to focus. It was like he was seeing double. Then he heard Tom "Wow, This is cool. Hey watch Todd," Todd watched as the hand that was holding Blair's hand dropped it, then proceeded to wave in the air like he was conducting a band. "Tom, Stop that!" Todd's hand dropped. Todd concentrated and reached for Blair's hand, nothing happened. He looked back over at Ray who was watching with great interest. Todd said. " It appears Tom wants attention. I don't know how but he's got partial control of me. Any suggestions? This has never happened before. At least not that I remember."

Ray sat back.  This was simply fascinating. He could tell that Blair and the nurse were also intrigued. "Well Todd, if I had to guess, I'd say Tom wants in on the conversation. We can continue or you can listen to Tom talk for a while or you both can give me answers. It's your choice."

Todd looked over at Blair and she shrugged." Hey, it's your body, I don't know what to tell you."

"Tom, if we're going to do this, no more shenanigans. If you want to talk say so and you can put in your two cents worth. Agreed"

“Agreed Todd.” said Tom  “Can I say something now, you need to know this.”

"What is so important Tom?"

“It's about consequences Todd. You need to know more about the consequences.”

Todd looked at Ray "Did you just hear all that? I don't understand what he's talking about."

"Ask him, Todd." said Ray.

"Ok Tom, what is it about consequences? Like I told Ray I usually avoided them," said Todd

"That's just it Todd, you didn't avoid them. You let me avoid them. Come on, remember? said Tom "Remember when I asked him why he was burning me, come on Todd, you can remember, think. He said I had no right to question him and for that he was going to add to the test. So first he held the flame under my one hand, then under my other hand. When he was finished he usually would let me go put them under cold water but he didn't that day. What did he do Todd? "

Todd sat there for a minute then he looked at his hands, turned them over and looked at the palms. He saw the burns and then he was back to that day. He remembered. As if in a dream Todd stood up, reliving it. His arms went out to either side. "Dad, don't it hurts...I can't hold the buckets, it hurts Dad... I'm sorry... I won't do it again. No Dad, don't make them hotter. Dad, I promise, please!" he was crying but he couldn't lower his arms. Blair got up and went to him and lowered his arms.  Blair’s actions brought Todd out of his trance. He looked at her. "He made me stand there for an hour and wouldn't let me lower them. The buckets were filled with boiling water so I wouldn't forget the heat of the flame. I stopped begging after the first fifteen minutes because he started laughing. I had already sent Tom away so I had to stand there and listen.  At some point, I don't know exactly when the heat started churning deep inside me and I felt a calm come over me. The buckets became ice cold and a small portion of me froze with them."

Ms. Perkins spoke, " A little more froze each time Todd, With every consequence you took, your hate grew. You were determined to beat him at his own game. You decided then that he wasn't going to hurt Tom again and so you took on more and more of the pain."

Ray sat there, listening as Ms. Perkins talked to Todd. Todd was finally facing where the rage came from. Now they had to show him how to release it without letting Pete seize control.

Todd looked at Blair, he had heard Ms. Perkins but it had taken a moment to realize, so had everybody else. Ok, this is getting really weird. First Tom taking control and now Ms. Perkins, they were trying to tell him something. What was it Ms. Perkins said? That with each consequence he had taken, his hate had grown. Of course, why hadn't he seen it before? His anger that churned inside was the hatred for Peter that had been festering since childhood. He had always thought it was something that he himself had done that caused the anger but it wasn't. When he had raped Marty, he hated himself. He had known something inside himself had reacted to Marty's rejection and scorn. Now he realized his hatred for his father, which he had never been able to act upon, had caused him to lash out at Marty in Peter's place. He turned to Ray. "I need a mirror. I need to see them as they talk, I know that sounds strange because you're are hearing us all. Normally I'd just slip inside to talk but I'm guessing that I have to bring the conversation out for this to be effective."

Ray nodded and said "You need to confront them openly yes. Hang on," Ray spoke to the nurse and she left the room. "While she's getting you that mirror, why don't you sit back down and tell me what you're thinking about right now. I know you heard Ms. Perkins did it make any sense to you."

Todd and Blair sat back down. "Ray, I knew I hated Peter Manning. But I've always fought that hatred because I thought it was wrong to hate your father. I felt I was the one who was screwed up because I didn't understand how I could hate him. God Ray, he was my Dad. Why did he do those things? I've felt that dark place inside of me and thought it was there because of my sins. I've seen it grow and I can hardly keep it in check. I figured it was my punishment. Then when I found out I was the son of Victor Lord and heard Vicki's horror stories, it just confirmed for me that I was right. That dark angry place was my inheritance from my father. But it's not a curse or an unstable element in my genetic makeup. It doesn't have anything to do with Victor. It's there because of Peter. I couldn't act on it as a child and so I bottled it up."

Ray looked at Todd. "You're right Todd, Peter is behind your anger but I think there's more to the story. You've had periods in your life where that rage came out. Your rape of Marty and the subsequent attack on Nora. The anger popped the cork so to speak and spilled out. But there's a part of you, Todd, that detests that anger and you invariably find a way to contain it. You are more redeemable than you think. I've felt it all along. If you don't believe me, take a look at Samuel. He lived a relatively normal life for eight years. He didn't have your baggage so he just forged ahead. If you were truly as evil as you believe yourself to be, Samuel would have been corrupted too."

Ray paused to see if his words were getting through to Todd.  "You've lived with your Alters for a long time. Did you ever really ask yourself why they showed up when they did? You're familiar with the causes of DID. How do they apply to you?" asked Ray. He knew he might be lighting a powder keg, Todd had never liked talking about anything sexual. But so far all the abuse had been physical and mental. Ray was sure Todd was shying away from the true abuse. "You once told me Peter was a womanizer who had a new girlfriend every month or so. You also told me he hated women. Why did you say that about him?"

Todd stared at Ray and felt his heart begin racing. Ray knew he hated talking about Peter's sexual appetites. In some ways, he had felt sorry for the women who tried to hang on to Peter. Todd had known Peter wasn't going to give them what they really wanted, but he realized that as he had gotten older he hadn't treated women any better. Peter had beaten it into him 'Don't trust anyone!' and Todd had started living that way too. Todd's first ventures in sex had been disasters, he had tried to appear nonchalant with the girls but when it came time to perform Todd had always choked. He hadn't known why. After being humiliated several times Todd had been joined by Rodd who told him to sit back and watch, so he had allowed Rodd to take over.

"Ahh, but you never paid attention. You were always so rough with ze women. I kept trying to show you how to appreciate them but alas you were how-you-say hung up by something." Rodd said aloud. "You know Todd, since ah Samuel's shown up, you are much better in bed. Between him and I, you might yet make a good lover."

Todd buried his face in his hands, he was losing control all over the place. Now Rodd had jumped into the conversation, when was it going to stop. To hear Rodd talk, he had been a basket case a lot of years when it came to making love. It was humiliating, so what if he had been uncomfortable with sex. A lot of young men probably felt that way too.

Ray jumped on Rodd's Statement. "Rodd explain to me how Todd was in those situations."

"Ah Certainly. You must a see, Todd, he wanted control of the girls but his a body made him lose control. Todd, he no likes to lose control. And ifa the girl she would laugh, that would make Todd angry. I started helping so that Todd coulda keep better control."

"Rodd why do you think Todd had a problem with Control." asked Ray

"Why that's easy. Todd hada no control because of his father Peter."

"RODD STOP!" Todd had risen to his feet.

Ray sensed he was panicking. Todd was fearful of something he thought Rodd was about to say. "Todd, easy does it. Calm down."

Todd was pacing the room he seemed to be looking for a way out.  "I need some air, Ray.  It's getting awfully stuffy in here."

The nurse had returned with a mirror and Ray met her and sent her back out for the doctor. Todd was like a bird caught in a room. Blair went to him, trying to calm him down but he didn't seem to see her or hear her.

The doctor came back in and Ray moved to Todd. "Todd I want you to sit down," Ray and Blair got Todd back to the chair but they were literally holding him down. The doctor listened to his heart and shook his head at Ray. "Ok, Todd we're going to give you something to calm you down. Your breathing should ease up shortly." As soon as Todd started to relax in the chair Ray let him go. He indicated to Blair to take one of his hands and hold him in case he should feel the need to move again. Todd seemed unfocused, staring nowhere in particular. Ray pulled the doctor over for his opinion.

"His heart is beating irregularly and I'm concerned for the altered state he appears to be in right now. You're probably going to have to pull back from any more questions today. The sedative I just administered is a light one and hopefully he'll be coming out of this state soon. At this point, I don't know if he's in this state because of your questions or the concussion. Physically, I think he's done for the day. I don't like the heart rate and from his recent history he's teetering just this side of another attack." stated the doctor.

Ray thanked the Doctor and went back to Todd. "How's he doing Blair? See if you can bring him back."

Blair caressed his hands, it bothered her how cold they were. "Todd, come on, you've zoned out long enough. You're scaring me. You need to come back now. Rodd or Tom or Ms. Perkins do you see him? What's he doing?"

"My dear, He's alright but he's not talking to us either. He's by the door," said Ms. Perkins.

Ray knows he shouldn't push but he has to know. "Ms. Perkins. What door would that be?"

"Why the door to his secret. He's just staring at it. Wait something's happening. He's reaching for the knob." replies Ms. Perkins.

Todd jerks his hand and hisses "Damn that's Hot," he looks at his hand and was surprised that's it wasn't burnt. Then he notices everyone staring at him. "Ok let me guess, I disappeared again huh."

"Not exactly Todd, Do you remember where you were just now?" asked Ray.

Todd looks at his hand "I was standing in front of a door. There was something behind it I felt I had to see, but the knob was scorching hot. What's been happening out here?"

"You were unresponsive to anything we said but that happened after you had a panic attack Rodd was talking about your lovemaking techniques or lack thereof and said..." Ray trailed off as he saw Todd's face pale. His eyes had widened and he had looked at his hand again. "Uh, I think we'll save that for the next session. Todd, you might feel a little groggy soon, we gave you a sedative because you were so agitated. I feel we were making some progress but you're still recovering from the concussion and the doctor thinks you're pushing more than you should, so we'll stop here today.

With plans made to continue the sessions two days later, Todd and Blair headed home. Todd dozed off in the car and found himself in front of that door once more. No one was around so he decided to try the door again he reached for the knob. The knob was cold almost freezing, his hand felt so cold and then he watched as the cold started making it's way up his arm, No he had to let go but he couldn't, his hand was frozen to the knob and it continued to spread, the cold was covering his whole body then it crept toward his heart. Todd started struggling, trying to free his hand before the cold stopped his heart. He was desperate and gave one final pull the hand came off but the door opened wide and Todd saw what sat behind it. Todd sat up with a jerk he stared out the window. "Oh God Nooo!"

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