Failings of the Fathers: 4

Bea was weaving, with the winter sun pouring in the window at Mountainview.  She had almost completed the base, sidewalls, and handle, and was working diligently to finish the ribbons.  Her nurse came in, and handed her medication to her, and she took it, willingly, then went back to work.  The nurse said, "Bea, that is a lovely basket you've made.  Did you do it all by hand?"

Bea nodded and smiled, and went back to it.  She had already woven pink ribbon in the handle of the basket, and lined the bottom of it with pink padded gingham.  Now, she was working a gingham grosgrain into a large bow at the top.  She had starched it, so that the bow would remain stiff and perky at the top of the handle.  
"Momma?"

She stopped and looked up into the distance, and listened, and then turned slowly.  A large smile moved across her face, and a small noise of joy formed in her throat.  She put the basket down, and ran to Todd, with Blair standing beside, and hugged him to her.  Then, she put her arms around Blair as well.  Todd said, "Hey, Momma, how are you?"

She nodded, and walked back to her table.  

Blair said, "You've been basket-weaving?"

She nodded again.

Todd said, "We're going to ask Ray if you can come home with us, Momma.  Do you still want to?  It's nutty around that house; Little Ray is getting to be a real nut."

She smiled and nodded in agreement.  She grabbed a pad off her desk, and wrote:  I do.  I want to come and live with you.  Little Ray can make me chase him all over, and I won't mind.  Yes, I want to.

He smiled at her, and Blair did the same, taking her hand.  "Why don't we talk a little bit about how you want your room arranged and things about the house, and the kids."

She smiled and agreed.  Both she and Blair sat down, and Todd said, "Momma, I'm going to Ray's office now.  I'll be back."

Todd and Blair had talked about not letting Bea think Todd needed help from Ray.  Instead, they chose to present it as discussing her release.  Bea took the notepad and wrote:  How was the trip to Ireland?  Did Todd help his friend?

"Yes, he did.  He was a hero, Momma, you would have been proud."

I am.

"This basket, it is so lovely.  Did you make it?"

She nodded.

"That's wonderful.  It's pretty.  So intricate."

It's for you.  For the baby to sleep in.

Blair was taken aback.  Her first thought was that it was a gracious and kind thing for Bea to do.  Her second, was the idea that it was so small.  She was fairly certain, especially after the birth of Little Ray, that the baby would not fit inside the basket to sleep.

"Oh, I'm honored."

I know, it looks small.  But she will fit.

"She may.  It depends on how big she is,"  Blair was determined to be cautious with her mother-in-law.

I had a dream about her.  She's very tiny.  She fit in Todd's hand.

Blair just tilted her head, listening.  She remembered Starr, born early, so small, her tiny hands barely able to close around Larry's index finger.  She smiled, "Thank you, Bitsy.  Momma."

They embraced.

***

"I don't know anything about it, except what they told me." Todd said, after detailing to Ray some of the events of the Ireland trip.  "Aman and Lily were the ones who brought the whole thing to my attention.  I didn't even remember, Ray."

"Are you doubting they are being truthful?"

"No, I'm not doubting that.  They wouldn't lie.  I just don't remember it.  And I don't know how to deal with it now that it's invading my mind, and my life at home in the states."

"You thought you saw him."

"Yeah.  A lot of times.  One in particular, seemed so real.  But, it can't be.  The taxi and the plane, I sort of realized I had fallen asleep.  Some of the other places, sure, my eyes could be playing tricks on me, it was a quick glimpse.  The dreams, well, that's self-explanatory."

"There's something else?"

"There was one time, he just seemed . . . it was so real, I wondered if I wasn't transported back in time.  Except he looked older, worse.  Meaner."

"Where?"

"In Switzerland, at the clinic that I spent time in recovering.  Seems I told Aman that he visited me there back in '96."

"I think that makes sense.  He seemed real at the clinic because it happened before.  You saw him there in your mind then.  Your memories are just getting twisted.  You know what we do when that happens."

"Face them?"

"Yeah, or at least get them back and deal with them when we can."

"How?"

"Close your eyes for a start.  It's going to be difficult, even painful.  You've been here before.  Put yourself back in the cottage, with Aman and Lily.  Breathe slowly.  Concentrate."

A long silence prevailed.  "All I remember is physical pain.  A lot of it.  It's . . . I can't stay with it.  The memory of it even hurts."

He opened his eyes and ran both hands through his hair.

"I understand.  But if you can endure it, and remember something.  Maybe the calls?"  Ray said.

Todd closed his eyes and continued to move his mind into the past.  Let's go.  Can't be as bad as Chicago and that house.  He was able to bring up images of the cottage and his time there.  He saw himself sitting up, in a small bed.

He said, "Aman and Lily are both out.  What are the chances of that happening?"

"I don't know, I'm not familiar with their living habits."

"Well, it was never that way, only a couple of times.  Lily was home most of the time.  This day, she decided to go out while he was fishing."

"All right.  Go ahead."

"They had a phone, with a dial.  Old.  It rang.  It rang so much, and wouldn't stop until I got up to go and get it.  And I did.  I forced myself to endure the pain so that I could make it stop.  I didn't know if they were in trouble, or if the call was about them."

"Makes sense."

"It was . . . there was so much pain.  But I made it.  I picked it up.  It . . ."  he leaned over after a few minutes, and lowered his head.  "Okay, Ray.  I remember."

"What happened?"

"Peter was on the other end.  I asked how he found me.  I guess I'd forgotten he was dead, or maybe I was delirious with the pain.  Not sure."

"Did he answer?"

"He laughed."

"What else, Todd?"

"He just did his usual put-down routine.  I was never any good, I'd never heal.  I was a loser, and destined to be a loser.  Blair would never take me back.  Our kid would grow up without a father and be better off.  He said he knew I'd never have what it takes. . . the same stuff."

"All right."

"And the trouble is, it was very real to me.  I convinced Aman and Lily that he really had called.  Of course, they only pretended to believe me, because after all, they knew it couldn't really be him.  Peter was dead.  I'd already told them that story."

Ray made notes.  "He died in, what, '94?"

"Yeah.  Shortly after my pardon.  Heart attack, in front of me."

"Okay.  Then it means he was dead when the calls were made, and if that's true . . ."

"I imagined all of it.  Crazy, right?"

"What about the clinic?"

"I was catatonic at first.  He . . . appeared to me.  At the foot of my bed.  He'd done that before, but something was . . ."

Todd got quiet, staring off.  Ray waited.  Then he said, "Todd?"

There was no response.

"Hey, Todd," Ray said, sitting forward.  "Todd, it's 2013, you're in my office."

"I hear ya, I was just trying to. . ."

Ray waited again, feeling some relief that Todd had not gone inside himself.

"Shit, I remember something, Ray."  He got out of his chair.  "I remember, he was aside the bed, he was telling me he'd never forgive the time I tried to kill him, that he wanted me dead, and he wanted me to lose everything.  Funny, he said that last night. In the dream."

"Go on."

"It was so real.  He . . . Ray.  I . . . he told me what he did to me, as a child."

"All right."

"He told me what he did to my mother."

"That was you, Todd, you'd try to push those memories down when you went catatonic with Lily and Aman.  You couldn't face it then."

"Ray," Todd said, pacing wildly, and he appeared to be on the edge of panic.  "Ray, he took out a lighter.  He took out a lighter right next to my bed, and he flashed it."

"Todd, sit down.  Sit down and let's do some breathing, all right.  Come on," Ray said, starting to his feet.

"He took out the lighter.  It looked just like his, just like the one I have in . . . Oh, God, he grabbed my arm.  He grabbed my arm, and he burned it."

Ray walked slowly toward Todd.  "Todd, let's sit down, let's breathe for a minute. . ."

"He burned it, right here!"  he yelled, ripping his sleeve up.  There was a faded scar where he pointed.  "See?  He burned me."

"Todd, sit down," Ray said softly.  Todd lowered himself to the chair, still holding out his arm.  "Breathe deep for me, all right?"

Todd's demeanor softened.  "He burned me, here.  There's a scar."

"Todd," Ray began.  "You have at least fifteen scars on your arm.  Don't you remember how they got there?"

Todd stopped a moment, sucking in his breath.  "I . . . I was tortured.  In Carlo's compound."  He put his head back and looked to the ceiling.

"You were tortured for eight years.  During that time . . ."

"During that time, Leona came into my cell and acted like Peter."

"Yes."

"I'm crossing memories."

"Probably."

He looked back to the scar on his arm.  "I guess I'm all messed up."

"It all makes sense, really.  Your mind is doing what it does best, Todd.  It's protecting you.  In '96, it protected you from the truth about Peter and what he did to you and Bea.  In the years you were in captivity, it did the same.  It sent you into your mind, to be with Blair."

Todd's eyes moistened.  "Yeah."

"When you first started remembering the truth again, Todd, in Greece and Ireland last year when Jack went missing, it was the first time since with Aman and Lily.  You'd blocked it out, again.  I should have realized that Ireland, with Leona, and last year, with Timothy, was the commonality.  And there's no surprise that going to Ireland this past month has rejuvenated all of it."

"That does make sense," he said, he began rolling his sleeve back down.

"It does.  It's all related to your past.  The horrors of what happened to you and to Bea at Peter's hand."

"Why is he back?"  He stopped, and let his sleeve stay open.

"He's not back.  He's there, probably always.  Just certain times of stress bring it out more."

"I can feel what he did, Ray.  I feel that burn, in the clinic.  How can that be explained?"

"Todd, can I be honest with you?"  Ray said, returning to his desk.

"I'd never expect it to be otherwise."

"The eight years of torture is not something most patients go through.  It's very possible that the pain from those events is crossed into other parts of your life.  It's only been three years that you've been back, and some of that time was back in the same situations, emotional or otherwise.  You've never had time to really heal.  It was eight years, Todd.  It reasons that it could take at least that to undo it, completely."

"That's a long wait.  I don't want that.  I don't want it for my kids, or for Blair."

"I'm not saying it will be that long, I'm saying that you're expecting a great deal, for what you've been through.  You already had a very painful past.  Throw the losses on top of it, the Ireland things, several times, the abuse and torture in captivity, the recapture, the loss of your child.  What do you expect?  In reality, I consider you healing very quickly for what's taken place."

"I never thought of it like that."  He moved his sleeve back.  He fingered the scar.  "I . . . could have sworn . . ."

"I understand.  It will all come perfectly clear at some point, Todd.  Just give it time, and be patient with yourself.  Honestly, you're expecting it at a much faster rate than I would have ever expected, based on all that has happened."

He slumped back against the seat.  "Is  . . . is my mother able to come home with us?  Will what I am going through harm her at all?"

"Yes, and no.  Yes to the first question, and no to the second.  What she needs, right now, is to be part of your life.  You will have to bring her for outpatient treatment, though.  What you need, Todd, is your mother.  You need her, to help you deal with what you both experienced, just as she needs you."

He folded his arms, and looked back at Ray, blankly.

"Todd?  You see what I mean, don't you?"

"I don't know."

"She feels she wasn't mother to you enough; you feel deserted by your protectors as a child.  There's nothing there that can harm either of you.  If anything, it's just what the doctor ordered."

Todd ran his finger over the same scar, and then said, "Good.  It's overdue."

"There might be emotions connected to this time you're going to spend with her, Todd.  Be ready for them and let them come.  Don't try and fight them.  It's part of the healing."

Todd stood and nodded, then picked up his coat, and brushed his hair back again.  "I don't know what to say to you, Ray.  It's been almost twenty years now, and you've always come through for me."

"Don't mention it, Todd."

The door closed behind him.

***

Will Todd come back to see me before you leave?

"I'm sure he will, Momma.  I am positive you'll love your room, it's decorated in pink."

Pink is my favorite.  Will Sam be there, the little boy with Spiderman?

"Of course.  You know, he's still in a cast from his injury."

He jumped from the roof.  Please, tell me he did not want to go with the sparrows.

Blair covered the woman's hand with hers, "No, Momma. He didn't.  He wanted an adventure.  He thought the snow would be soft, like cotton."

Blair, what happened to Todd in Ireland?

She could do nothing but laugh to herself.  "Did you notice something?"

His eyes look haunted.  He looks, like he looked sometimes as a child.

Blair gulped, and before she had time to answer, Todd said, "Well, ladies, I'm here."

"We're glad to see you.  Someone is very excited about moving in."

"Momma, I'm going to have all your things sent.  You can go with us, now.  I've already signed the papers.  You're in my custody.  For now."

I understand all that.  I know what I have to do.  I won't do anything wrong or wander off.  Ray explained everything to me.  I don't want to do anything but get well and be with you, Todd, and my family.

"Then it's settled, let's go.  Hey, what's this basket for?"

"It's for us, for Jewel to sleep in."  Blair explained.

"Jewel's going to be bigger than this, Momma," he said, when he took it in hand to carry it out.

Blair looked at Bea, who was smugly smiling.  "Momma thinks she'll be smaller.  It doesn't matter, it's beautiful and I am sure we'll put it to good use."

Bea grabbed her artist portfolio that Todd gave her, and a special box for her pencils, and her coat.  Todd took the first few items, and Blair helped her on with her coat.  Blair said, "Oops, Jewel just kicked me!"  and took Bea's hand and placed it where the kick was.  "See?"

The woman's face was a mixture of awe and sadness.  Her bottom lip trembled, and tears came to her eyes.  She buried her face in her hand, while the other still rested on Blair.  

Let them come.  Don't try and fight it.  It's all part of healing.

Todd approached them both, after letting the items rest against the wall, and put his arms around his mother.  Still covering her face, she fell into Todd's chest.  His other arm went around Blair's shoulder, as she tried to compose herself and not break down.  He said, softly, "Momma, it's all right.  We have plenty of time to get to know Jewel, and the other kids.  Let's go home."

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