Failings of the Fathers: 23

It was almost dawn when Blair woke, and Todd was next to her, cradling the tiny infant in his arms.  "I can't stop looking at her," were the first words he said to Blair as she opened her eyes.

"She's so pretty," Blair said.

"Yep."

"She didn't cry, wasn't she hungry?"

"She ate."

"When?"

"When she was first born, you know that.  And during the night, she just made a few sounds of being annoyed, and I put her on your chest and the rest is history."

"I must have been half asleep."

"Yep."

"Where are the boys?"

"Sam's at Shaun's.  We have a little bit of work to do there.  Jack said he was frantic and terrified while you were in labor.  Good thing our son had the sense to get him out of the house."

"All right.  Will you go and get him soon?"

"Yep.  When it's light out, I'll do just that."

"Let me hold her, Todd."

"Of course," he said, and moved the petite little girl to her mother's arms.

"She looks like you."

"No, she doesn't.  She's beautiful.  Definitely you."

"Her hair is light.  Reminds me of Jack."

"Yep."

"She's so sweet, Todd.  But she's so small," her voice cracked.

"She's small, but she's strong and perfect.  You said so yourself."

"She can breathe, and she's all right."

"Yeah, she can and she is."

"You saved her, Todd, both of us."

"Ah, it was nothing.  Dorian is a good talker."

"She's so light.  But look, she has . . ."

"All her fingers and toes.  I counted.  She can hear us, I can tell.  She's alert.  She's breathing.  She's a perfect little person, just 'puny,' like Jack said."

"Jack saw her?"

"He was in here, when you were in and out."

"It's perfect in here." she looked around. "You cleaned all of it up?"

"Sure.  You didn't want us to be sitting in some bloody mess when the EMTs came.  Not a pretty picture of The Mannings."

"How do you do it, Todd?  How can you be this strong after . . . well, everything?"

"Pretty sure the eight years of torture set me straight.  Plus, I have a lot to lose."

Jack was at the door, "Mom, Dad, Runty's on the phone crying.  He wants to come home."  Then, "Is she awake?  Can I see her?"

Blair lifted her off her chest, and held her up to Jack.  Jewel was sleeping, and he looked into her tiny face and said, "Wow, you can be that small and be a person?"

"I guess so, she's living proof.  Want to hold her?"  Blair asked.

Jack looked confused, "Uh, can I skip it?  She's so small, I'm kinda scared.  Let me go get Sam, and maybe later."

Blair smiled, and looked at Todd.  "She's tough.  When you get back, we'll formally introduce you to her.  Thank you, Jack."

Jack left, and Todd looked at Blair.  His face was so filled with emotion, she said, "Todd," softly, "what's the matter?"

"This is my family," he said, quietly himself, with a touch of quaver in his voice.

"Yes, this is.  The family you helped make, Todd.  Nobody just gave it to you."

He put his hand over the top of his daughter's head, and realized it fit inside his palm and then some.  "I'm . . . going to forget everything.  Peter, he's nothing, he's just a memory now."

She looked at him in slight surprise.  "Okay.  That's good."

"No more wasted time on him, or the likes of him."

"I thought you were already done with it," she said, innocently looking at him.

"I . . .am.  Especially now that she's here.  There's too much good to mar it with bad."  He paused.  "Her face, Blair."

"I know.  You love your children, so much.  Everyone sees it."

"She's beautiful."  He got up, and wiping his eye with the back of his hand, went to the window.  "The snow, it's overwhelming.  Wow.  There's so much of it."

"It's pretty.  Really.  So white."

"Okay, so I meant it.  No more Peter.  He's behind us."

"All right, it sounds good.  But there's something you aren't telling me, isn't there?  I think after all this time, I know."

"Maybe."

"Maybe?  You can't even give me an answer?  I'm . . .insulted, and tired of it, Todd.  Just . . . leave me alone, will you, a while?"

He turned, surprised.  "What?"

"You heard me.  Just get out . . . just, please."

He wasn't able to think of something to say, so he walked toward the bedroom door.  "Why?" he said, turning back.

"You don't know why?  Then I have nothing to say."

He stopped and turned around.  "I'm not going anywhere."

"Oh, no?"

"No.  I'm not.  This is . . . one of the happiest days of my life.  I'm not . . .going to leave you alone.  Or leave my little girl."

"So, I have no say in the matter, then.  I see."

"What's with you, Blair?"  He was puzzled.

"You promised, that's what!" she raised her voice startling Jewel, who woke with a cry.  She calmed her, placed her in her basket and then looked away from him.

He went to the bed, and sat near the baby.  "Jewel, your mom is upset with me.  And she probably is right . . . all the time."

She didn't turn, but he could sense her armor cracking.  

I love him so much.

He continued, "So, uh, can you tell her something for me?  Tell her I'm sorry that I didn't tell her something and that I'll tell her now if she will listen.  Jewel?  What?  You want me to be like Grandma Bitsy and be quiet so you can sleep?"

Blair slightly laughed.

He saw her shoulders move, and relaxed a little.  "Jewel, I know you can't talk or write.  I'll have to tell her myself, then, right after I remind her how much I love her for bringing you to me."

She didn't turn.

"Oh and one more thing: if she will listen, I'd tell her that my fears about my father . . . they made me keep something from her.  My fear that my father would come and take all of you from me, as if he were alive.  It made me start thinking bad things and having bad feelings.  I didn't want to scare her, because she had you inside her.  So I kept it to myself.  Mostly.  I talked to my new father about it.  He tried to support me.  But he wanted me to tell her, at first, and then he agreed.  We were too worried that she might lose you.  And if she lost you, that would mean I did, too, and I couldn't live without you both . . ."

"This is why you didn't tell me?"  Blair said.  "Honestly?"

"Yeah.  I was just afraid to scare you."

"How could it scare me?  I was with you in that hell hole, remember?  If I could get through that . . ."

"Because I thought he might be alive. . .I said I didn't, but I thought he could be.  And all I could think of was killing him.  A slow, painful way."

She turned to him, and studying his face, she picked up the phone and called Jack.  "Come and get your sister for me, and bring her to Grandma Bitsy for a while, I'm sort of tired.  Thanks."

Okay, Manning, when you tell the truth, you should be more careful to not tell it so truthfully in the future. . .

Jack came into the room, and looked at both his parents.  He said, "Geesh, you guys, it's the baby's birthday," and took her out with him.

Blair's arms were folded.  "Before you start thinking that you shouldn't have told me the truth, just stop right there.  I can handle anything.  But, maybe, just maybe I understand why you didn't tell me this while I was pregnant.  Were you planning to tell me at all?"

"I thought about it.  I mean, the baby was just born.  It was tough bringing her into the world.  I wasn't quite thinking that second to bring up my child-rapist father."

She felt hollow.  "Todd, I . . . just tell me."

He got up and went to sit next to her, both of them facing the glass wall.  The snow was white and blinding with the sun on it.  She faced him, and he her, bringing their eyes to each others.'  He said, "It's bright.  I'll fix that."

He got up, and closed the draperies, so that the glare was eliminated.  Then, he sat back down across from her and said, "Okay.  I was afraid that he was alive.  I didn't want to tell you because I wanted to murder him."

"You're talking in the past.  So, you don't think he's alive now?"

"I don't care anymore.  My daughter, she . . . she's so beautiful.  You, the kids, that's all that matters.  He's dead."

"You wanted to murder him.  Not anymore?"

He gulped.  "I still do.  Yeah.  If he came in here now, I'd want to kill him.  Some terrible way.  Some way that would make him hurt, like my mother did."

She swallowed, and touched his face.  "You're still so angry, Todd.  I understand why.  I know what he did and what it meant."

"I want to let go of it, Blair.  All of it.  It's eating me up inside.  I was planning . . . I'd contacted Mr. Adams, my father's estate lawyer.  He was going to put me in touch with my father's last fiance.  I wanted to ask her, once and for all, if he were really dead.  She'd cremated him without me knowing, she was the only beneficiary.  You were there for that, Blair.  You know, I only got that key."

"I know.  I remember."

"Anyway, I was going to check into it.  It was because . . . well, Momma had that dream about him coming to take our children.  The night she had the panic attack.  And then, well, something else happened."

Her face twisted with doubt.  "Sister Rebecca Katherine.  I just realized it.  You lied to me."

"I did, because I didn't want to scare you, Blair.  Give me a break.  I've seen you lose three children, and I'll be damned if you were going to lose another because of something I told you."

She considered it.  "All right, fine.  Tell me now, Todd.  Jewel's here."

"She had a dream, too.  The same type.  She dreamed he wanted our kids.  I got freaked, I guess.  I called Timothy, he helped me find Adams.  I searched, found Connie's info.  I meant to call her, when the baby came."

"Okay."  She seemed angry.

"So, leave you alone now?"

"No."

"What, then?"

"Don't lie to me, Todd.  We've had enough of that.  We're pretty sure I won't be having another baby, so there won't be another reason."

"I know.  I won't."

"We just don't see this the same."

"Why?"

"I want you to find Connie.  I want you to make sure that fucker is dead."

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