Memories Unlocked #7

         Todd was shocked, he was trying to wrap his head around the fact that his buddy Li Kwan was much sicker than he realized.  It never occurred to him that the children he had been spending all his time with were …Say it, Todd, they’re dying… No, it can’t be.  Blanca and Lucy don’t look that sick.  You idiot, Blanca’s been wearing a scarf the last week and even you were worried when Lucy had that coughing jag.  The truth of the situation hit him in the gut. God, and here I am feeling sorry for myself.  He was so deep in his thoughts he was startled when the doctor touched his shoulder again.

          “Todd, forgive me.  I thought you knew.  Most of them don’t mind talking about their illnesses, but I guess they didn’t want to worry you.  Too many people around here treat them like they’re invalids but you just treat them like they are children.  I just wanted you to know you‘re important to them.  So important that I had a long talk with the administrator this morning and she agreed to you staying on here at the hospital, but you’re going to have to work for your keep.  If you want it, the hospital would like you to join the staff as a Youth Morale Assistant.  You have a way with the children and it would give you a chance to remain here and get your therapy at the same time.”

          “You can’t be serious.  You don’t know anything about me.  Hell, neither do I, but you’re willing to let me stay here and just keep the kids happy.  I can’t even keep my own spirits up and now, after what you just told me, you expect me to keep theirs up.”

          “Yes, and whether you believe it or not, I think you’ll do everything in your power to make sure of that.  I’ve seen you with them.  Just yesterday, you stayed calm and cool when Lucy had her episode.  You kept the children from getting alarmed and you helped Lucy through it.  I’ve seen her own parents panic when she gets like that but you didn’t.  She trusted you.  You have a gift.  Please consider our offer.”

         Todd looked down at his body and rubbed his hands down his thighs.  “I don’t know:  I’m not sure I can do it.  Let me think about it.”

         “Very well Todd.  I realize today’s been another blow to you but please, I think you’d be helping yourself as much as the kids.  In the meantime, I want you to start some therapy this afternoon since your back is now healed.  You can let me know later what you decided.”  Miguela turned to leave the room.

         Todd watched her start to leave.  Stop kidding yourself.  It’s not like you can do anything else.  Admit it, you care for those kids.   “Wait, I’ll do it.  You’re right.  If I can make things better for them, even a little bit, it will be worth it.  Besides, I’ve got nowhere else to go either.”

         Miguela smiled. “Thank you, Todd.  I’ll tell the administrator and we’ll get the paperwork underway.  By the way, I haven’t yet given up on getting you back on your feet.  Who knows, miracles happen every day.”


         Todd laughed.  “I don’t think I rate a miracle, but thanks for saying it anyway.”

****

Blair got a spoonful of food into Jack and looked over at Starr.  “Hey, I thought you liked chocolate chip pancakes.  Usually, you gobble them down.”

Starr sighed and took a bite, eating it half-heartedly.  Then she set her fork down.  “I thought it would work.  He told me to talk to Fred and I’ve been doing that, but I really thought he would come home once he knew you still loved him.” She pushed the plate away from her.  “He said he loved me.”  

Blair could see the tears forming in her daughter’s eyes and her heart broke for her.  She had also held out hope that Todd was still alive and would see the article.  It had been three weeks since the fateful call from Sam Vance and as the weeks stretched out, Blair was beginning to fear that Todd was truly lost to them.  “Oh Baby Girl, he does love you.  Starr, I was hoping you wouldn’t get your hopes up so high when Briggs printed your plea.  Your Aunt Vicki put it in the Banner and I heard several other papers picked it up.  You have to be patient.  I know for a fact that Daddy would try anything to get home.  Something must be holding him up.  He loves you and your brother so much.  I want you to keep remembering that.”

“He loves you too, Mommy,” Starr said softly.

“I think he does Starr.  He just gets himself wound up about things and doesn’t believe I can love him back. Once we get him home we’ll give him so much love he won’t be able to deny it anymore.  Now try and eat some more.”  Suddenly Blair felt something wet hit her in the face. “What the….Jack?” Jack was covered in baby food and his little hands were waving trying to get some of the food off.  More strained peas went flying.

Starr laughed.  “Jack is eating with his hands, just like Daddy.”

Blair smiled lovingly at her son.and she reached to capture his hands before any more food ended up all over the kitchen.  “Yes, but Daddy usually gets the food to his mouth.  Oh dear, it looks like it’s the bathtub for you, Little Man.  Starr, do you want to eat anymore or help me?”

Starr grimaced.  “And get peas in my hair? No way!  I’m not very hungry anymore. Can I go feed my iguana?  The way he eats is cool.”

“Sure, Honey, you go do that.  Keep talking to Fred, too. We have to have faith Daddy might see your letter.”  Blair watched Starr head upstairs and then gathered up her son.  “Come on Jack, let’s get you cleaned up.  Who knows, your Daddy could show up out of the blue any day now.”  Although she spoke lightheartedly to her son, Blair knew she was just trying to keep her own hopes up.

****

Todd was exhausted but pleased with himself.  He had successfully made it into his wheelchair all by himself. He turned to Blanca and Lucy, who had been giving advice from the sidelines. “Okay gals, what did you think? Just like a Pro, huh?”

“You looked like a baby bird falling from a nest,” Blanca giggled looking at Lucy who was also trying not to laugh.  Then she got a gentle smile on her face, “but you did great Mr. Drake.  It will just take more practice and we know you’ll get it soon enough.”  Lucy nodded in agreement.

Todd chuckled picturing a baby bird struggling to stay in the air and having to settle awkwardly for the ground.  He had to admit to himself there was definitely a strategy to maneuvering out of the bed, that could have looked more graceful.  “Hey, you have to give me points for at least not ending up on the floor this time.”  They all laughed.  

The first time he had attempted it without the nurse, he had forgotten the sheet covering his legs and had gotten tangled up. In the effort to remove the sheet he had missed the chair and ended up sprawled halfway in the chair and the rest of him stuck on the floor.   He had been too embarrassed to call the nurse and the children had found him still struggling with the chair. Together they had helped him into it, but not without some false starts. It had been hilarious because the first couple of attempts, the chair kept rolling away until Todd finally realized both sets of wheels needed to be locked.  The nurse arrived just after they had all succeeded and praised him for making it into the chair by himself.  Everyone had roared with laughter, to the nurse’s bewilderment, but the children had kept his secret.

“Okay, we’ve got me settled.  I think this calls for some wheelchair races don’t you?” Todd had been taking his duties seriously. and the children had all perked up looking forward to his visits daily.  Li Kwan had even taken a turn for the better and was finally being allowed out of his bed.  He too had been a little shaky at first getting used to the wheelchair, but now he was like a whirlwind and in order to keep him from running everyone over, Todd had devised the races as a means of keeping some control.  Of course, he had set it up like drag races and those not in wheelchairs were also allowed to participate, so everyone got a turn.

“You two go get all the supplies and I’ll arrange the hallway we can use.”  He watched as Blanca and Lucy took off laughing to their ward.  His ears were listening to hear if Lucy started coughing.   Not a sound.  She seemed to be having a good day, but Todd couldn’t help worrying about her.   He had made it a point, once he was officially on staff, to find out as much as possible about all the children and their diseases.   Lucy had lung cancer and the aggressive treatments sometimes made her pretty sick but she was a trooper.  Todd marveled at all the kids and their cheerful natures despite their illnesses.   Even though at times he felt like screaming about his fate, he found he couldn’t when he was in the presence of the kids.

He wheeled himself onto the ward and alerted the nurses it was time for the drag races, then he went to check on Li to make sure the little guy was up to the challenge.  “Hey Li, how are you doing?  In honor of the fact that I got myself into this contraption all by myself, I decided we would have a racing day.  What do you say?  Want to take me on?”  As he pulled in he found Li’s family standing around.  “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude.”

Li’s mother beamed at him. “Don’t be sorry.  We’ve been wanting to meet you.  Li’s been telling us all about you, Mr. Drake.”

Todd looked at Li. “Well there isn’t really too much to tell,  But Li is a great little guy. So what do you say Li? Want to race?”

Li looked at his parents. “Can I?”

His mother and father looked at each other and back to Todd.  “What is this race? We don’t understand,”  replied Li’s mother.

Todd looked at the parents and the rest of the family standing around.  “It’s a wheelchair race.  We block off the hallway for a short while and race.  The kids love it.  Every one of the kids, not too seriously ill, participate.  It’s a way for all of us to let off steam.  Please, Li’s been making good progress with his wheelchair.  Let him participate, I’m sure he would love to have you come to root for him.”

His parents nodded and Li let out a happy whoop.  In a matter of minutes, he was in his wheelchair and they all made their way to the hallway.  As they rounded the corner, Todd smiled. Lucy and Blanca and some of the nurse staff had the racing decorations up and several of the other kids were ready and waiting with their wheelchairs.  In minutes laughter and cheers echoed through the hallways.  

Dr. Sanchez passed the Children’s unit and heard the sounds coming from it.  She went up to the main desk in the unit and smiled at the nurses working there.  “Let me guess.  Race day?

The head nurse smiled back and nodded.  “Mr. Drake wanted to celebrate that he got into his wheelchair by himself.  The kids love him and he really comes alive when he’s helping them.  He’s a great addition to the staff. “

“Yes, he is.  Now if only we could get him back on his feet.  His injuries have healed but he still has no feeling below the waist.”

“Well, it looks like he’s accepted it.  I think working with children has given him some purpose.”

“Maybe, but I think something is still blocking his full recovery.  Well, for now, he’s happy and the children sound happy, I’ll let you get back to work.”  Dr. Sanchez left and shortly after that, she sat at her desk looking at Todd’s chart.

****

Todd was wheeling his way back to his room when he passed a mother and father. The father was trying to take their baby and hand it to the doctor, but the mother was hysterical. He could hear the father pleading with her, telling her the baby was sick and the doctors could help, but she just hugged the child harder. He stopped and found himself watching as the father finally got through and the doctor took the baby.  Suddenly, the hallway began to spin and Todd slipped out of the chair to land in a limp pile on the floor.

Everything was black and he heard himself say “The best thing I can do for my daughter is disappear.”  Then he found himself sitting in a chair praying, only to stop abruptly.  “Ah, what a joke. You think I’m going to pray to you.  You make little kids sick. Are you trying to pay me back for all my sins?  Are you trying to get even with me for everything I’ve done all my life? “  He heard himself laugh. “Ah ha, I never gave you enough credit.  You are one sick son of a …. You should have taken me in Ireland.  You should have taken me in that stupid plane crash then I wouldn’t have to sit here while you punish her for my sins.  You want to hammer me for hurting other people, you go ahead, but you leave her out of this.  She’s good, She’s everything I’m not. You take me. Not her.” Todd’s head moved back and forth on the pillow as he repeated the words aloud. “You take me, not her.  Shorty….”  The dream faded and a tear slid down his cheek.   

Doctor Sanchez was standing by Todd’s bedside. She couldn’t even fathom what he was talking about, but the monitors indicated he was waking up.  “Todd, that’s it, open your eyes.”  She watched as his eyes fluttered open and his gaze settled on her.  “You gave everyone a scare.  Now lie still.”  she flashed a light into his eyes.  “Can you tell me what happened?  Who’s Shorty?”

Todd closed his eyes again, and his voice caught as he relived that moment in the hospital.  “She’s my daughter.” The memory of the dream hit him below the belt and he felt a deep sense of loss.  “I lost her.” he choked again as tears threatened to fall.

Miguela frowned. “A daughter.  You remembered a daughter.  What makes you think you lost her?  Maybe she’s the girl in your picture.”

“No, she was sick. really sick. I remember being in a chapel praying for her.  I can’t remember anything else.  Damn it.  God, why can’t I have all my memories back?  The ones I’ve gotten, just hurt.   I feel like I’m being torn apart by all these fragments.” Todd angrily scrubbed his tears away with his hand.

Miguela laid a gentle hand on Todd’s shoulder.  “I don’t know why the memories are so painful.  But the fact that you are remembering more and more is a good sign.  Can you tell me what happened before you passed out?  Something must have triggered your collapse.”

“I’m not sure.  I was headed back to the activities room and I passed a young couple.  Their child was sick and the mother was not handling it well.” Todd paused “I found myself watching and listening and then the hallway started spinning and that’s the last thing I remember.” Todd pushed himself up into a sitting position.  

“Well, obviously what you saw stirred up your most recent memory.  Although, I’m bothered by the fact that you collapsed.  I’d like to do another MRI.”  While she was talking to him, Dr. Sanchez was busy checking him out.  His pulse was racing and he was still agitated by the dream.

Todd pulled his arm away from the doctor. His tone was sharp.“No way!. Look, maybe I just overdid it today with the kids. I don’t need another damn test.  I’m fine,  I’ll rest for a while and then I’ll get back to work.  I’ve got a movie night all planned out.  The kids have been looking forward to it.” Todd was desperate  to get back to his routine.  The only thing keeping him sane was his work with the children.  If he was idle too long, the thought of not knowing who he really was, sent him spiraling down into a dark place.

Miguela gave Todd a hard look.  It was as she feared.  Todd was putting on a good show whenever he was around the children but in reality, he was still the frustrated angry man with no clear memory of his identity.  His psychiatrist was right.  Todd’s lack of knowledge about himself was keeping him tied to the chair.  He was afraid to regain the use of his legs.  He needed to stay close to the children and if he could walk, he’d have no more purpose in life.  “Fine Todd, you get a little rest.  I won’t push the test.  If you promise to take it easy this evening, I see no reason you and the children can’t have your Movie night.  What”s the Movie?”

“I managed to get hold of a copy of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets,”  Todd smiled.

“But didn’t that just come out.  How did you manage?”

“That’s my little secret.  Let’s just say I have ways.  The kids are going to be surprised.”

      “Frankly, I’m surprised.  That’s not a show I thought you’d be interested in.”

“Well, I don’t  know what I like, but that young Harry is my kind of kid.”

Miguela laughed at the admiration in Todd’s voice.  “Okay, maybe you like him because he reminds you of you.”

“Maybe.”  Todd laid back down.  Was that it?  Was he like Harry?

“You rest.  I’m thinking the wheelchair races should be put on hold for a while.  We don’t want to wear out our Youth Coordinator.”

The Movie Night was a great success.  Todd had called a local theater owner and had asked the man if he would consider bringing the movie to the hospital.  After hearing that the children were unable to attend a proper showing because of their conditions, the owner not only had agreed but had sent all the equipment needed to show the movie.  He had even sent a popcorn machine and had it popping when the children arrived.  His staff and the orderlies had set up the room to accommodate all the children.  The children had been very excited and when the movie started they all squealed with joy.  Todd sat in his chair watching the children, enjoying their reactions even more than the show.  For a few short hours, his heart was happy.

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