Failings of The Fathers: 5

Bea's face showed nothing but awe and surprise when she set foot into Unforgettable.  In the foyer, Todd motioned to the stairs, and Bea looked from him to Blair.

"I know, Momma, isn't it beautiful?  Todd designed the whole thing.  It was a gift for me."  Blair said.

She looked to the staircase, and smiled.

He said, "You going to go up and see your room, or do you want to look around down here?"

Bea pointed to the stairs, and the three of them embarked.

As they went through the hallway, she could not stop looking at everything as they walked, and running her hands along some of the railings and paintings.  She stopped at a particularly light painting of a floral still life.  "Jenna," Todd said, nodding.

She continued to walk with Todd and Blair to her room.  When it opened, her face brightened even more.  She let out a small laugh, and went to the bed, sitting on it and slightly bouncing.  She hugged herself, and looked at both of them.

Todd said, "You're welcome.  It's for you, Momma."

The room was exquisitely decorated in pinks, but it was not a childish design.  There was an air of innocence, but it also was clearly a woman's abode.  She took off her coat, kicked off her shoes and put her little bobby-soxed feet up onto the bed and leaned back.

"Hmf.  Getting comfortable already?" Todd smiled.

She nodded.  There was a desk by the window, that had three or four pads stacked up and a container of pencils.  She hopped up after spying them, and wrote.  I love my room.  I love both of you.

"We love you too, Momma.  Now make yourself at home, and when you're ready to see the rest of the house, just come down the hall to our room, and we'll show you around."

She smiled, and hung her coat in the closet.  Then, she went right to the desk. 

The house was quiet; it was school time, Jack and Sam were not home.  Ray was with Addie and Starr for the day, and would be delivered back home toward dinner time.  

They went onto the master bedroom suite, and Todd kicked his shoes off and jumped onto the bed.  "Well, she's here.  I feel . . . good about that.  You?"

"Yes.  Her face was so precious.  I wish I could have taken a photo of that."

"Come here," he said, patting the bed next to him.  She was still taking off her coat and shoes, and ambled over and sat next to him.  She ended up with her head on his shoulder, both of them propped on pillows.  Snow was lightly falling outside.

"Snow.  We haven't seen it since Sam," she said.

"That day was . . . well . . ."

"Bad.  A bad day.  But he's all right."

"Yep.  Think Momma can be happy here, and be totally well?"

"Yeah, I do.  She seemed it.  And I thought you said Ray told you she's making great progress?"

"He did.  Just checking."

"Todd, how was your session?"

It looked as if dark clouds went over their heads.  His face turned down.  "It was, okay."

"Anything . . . come up?"

He looked down and could see the burn scar, among the groupings of other scars.  There was still a faded band around his wrist, and small rectangles and other scars scattered along him.  "Yeah, something did.  I remembered stuff about 96."

"That's good, right?"

"Right.  The things my mind did to protect me are pretty amazing.  Of course, it wasn't really working, because I was losing everything as I went.  But, yeah, I think we made headway.  I have some imagination."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, take this burn scar.  I thought I remembered Peter burning me with the lighter next to my bed in Switzerland.  But Ray made me see that I have so many scars it's impossible to know which is which.  That I was crossing memories from the torture with the 90s."

She didn't answer, she just listened to him.

He continued, "So, basically what happened after that was that he helped me calm down and breathe, and realize it was going to be tough.  He also said what you did."

"What did I say?"

"The thing about it's not been that long?  That there's been a lot of pain and heartache."

"Yes, there has."

"Anyway, seems the visions of Peter are all in my head, and coming from my experiences, and the visits to Ireland cued them.  Like you said, huh?"

"Hmm?"  She asked, distracted.

"You said that, too.  You said that Ireland brought all this up."

"Oh.  Yeah, I did."

He turned to look at her closer.  "Hey, you with me?"

"Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.  Yeah, I'm here.  I was just thinking.  You've been through too much for one person."

"I'm okay."

"Thank God.  Things could have been worse.  You could have been killed along the way, for real, and we could have lost you forever."

"Never happen.  Mannings have many lives."

She smoothed his chest hair through the v-neck of his shirt.  "Yeah, I guess they do.  Tell me more about the memories?  Like, what did you actually remember?"

"There were the phone calls.  So real.  He was just being his usual fucked-up self, telling me I can't live, I can't be anything, you'd never take me back, etc."

"This happened twice?"

"Yeah.  And both times when Aman and Lily were not home.  All in here," he pointed to his head.  "Protecting me from fighting too hard.  Maybe I thought if I got well, I'd have to deal with the truth."

"Maybe.  What else?"

"I remembered the clinic.  He stood by my bed.  I remembered him . . . taking out his lighter and flashing it at me.  It was just like the one . . ."

"That you had, in the safe?  That was his, I think."

"Yeah."

"Do you still have that?"

His face went blank.  "You know, I'm not sure.  I, thought that John had it.  That was way back, Blair."

"It was a while ago, wasn't it?  It feels like forever.  You had just gotten back."

"Yeah, Carlo and the hood.  Wow.  Things have definitely changed."

"They have.  So you said he flashed the lighter at the bedside?"

"Yeah.  Then he grabbed my arm, in my dream, and he burned me.  I can still feel it," she saw him absently touch the scar area.  "Well it seemed real.  Very."

"I know.  Dreams can do that."

"Well, Ray helped me see that my mind was in control of those things.  And that it never happened, it was just my imagination, just as my dreams are."

"Well, do you feel better?"

"I feel good, yeah.  I am glad I went to see Ray about this."

"Good."

"How do you feel?  How's your head?"

"Fine.  Jewel's turning.  It's uncomfortable."

"Want me to rub your stomach, or your back?"

She smiled up at him.  "You're so loving Todd.  Tender.  Just like the old days.  Remember?"

"Yeah, I covered my rep then, and I'm counting on you to cover it now."

She laughed.  "Todd," a very long pause, "I wonder . . ." she stopped.

"Wonder what?  If I'm for real?"

"No, I know you're real.  I just . . . well I'm glad you're remembering and dealing with it.  Maybe finally, things can come to rest.  Ow!"

"What?"

"She kicked me, and it felt like my rib."

"That's a little high."

"But it felt like it.  She might need to be that football punter after all."

"She might.  She's strong.  I like that, it makes me feel safer about her making it."  He looked into Blair's face.  "She's going to.  Flying colors."

"She'll probably outweigh Starr, Jack and Sam.  That basket might be too small.  I'll feel so badly if that's true.  Your mother really took care to make it for us."

"It's okay.  We'll find a use for it, so she doesn't feel badly.  She looked so happy."

"She is happy.  And it's okay that you are, too.  You know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know that."

She snuggled closer, and as the snow continued to fall, they had an afternoon unplanned nap.

***

"Mom, Dad!"  Sam yelled, hobbling through the hall.  Both Todd and Blair opened their eyes and saw him right by the bed on his crutches.  He was waving a piece of paper at them.  "A trip!  We're going to the museum!"

"Okay, leave it there, and I"ll sign it, Sam," Blair said, stretching.

"So you two slept the day away, huh?"  Jack teased.

"Sort of.  Why are you guys home early?"  Todd asked, sitting up.

"Perzno had to come get us.  The snow, they cancelled school for the afternoon." Jack explained.

"Not a bad arrangement, you kids have."  Todd said, swinging his legs over.  "Guys, I have to tell you something . . ."

It was too late. Bea appeared outside the door.  Todd said, "Momma, come in.  It's okay."

Sam's face got the round "O" shape and he said, "Grandma Bitsy!"  and crutched toward her.  Throwing his crutches down, he reached for her, hopping on one leg.  

She embraced him, and Jack put the crutches back under his arms where they belonged.  Jack said, "Hey, Grandma."

She touched Jack's face, and walked past him into the room.  She handed Todd the notepad.  I'd better get used to carrying this thing with me.  So many people to talk to.  Todd, I didn't mean to interrupt, but I wanted to see the rest of the house like you and Blair offered.

"I'd like to do that, if it's okay?"  Jack offered.  "I'm a great tour guide, I had to do it lots of times."

"Sure," Todd said.  "If Grandma Bitsy is okay with it."

She nodded excitedly.

Jack said, "Okay, Grandma, come on."

"I wanna go!"  Sam shouted.

"You can come, Puny, just be quiet."  They disappeared into the hall.

"Your mother is so into those kids," Blair said.

Todd just stayed quiet ,staring after them.

Blair touched his hair, "Hey, you there?"

"Yeah, I'm . . . Sam's almost the age I was when . . . when she left."

"I know.  It must have been hard for you."

"You want to know the truth?"

"Yes.  I always do."

"It was easier because inside me I knew she was safe and that he couldn't hurt her anymore.  But another piece of me was so angry and so alone."

She made a facial gesture of empathy, and then said, "You were a sweet child.  Sensitive.  Peter didn't like it, clearly."

"No, he didn't.  He didn't like emotion.  He thought it was weakness."

"He was wrong."

"I guess he was.  The fucker."

Her heart leaped in her chest.  His last two words were so cold, it chilled her.  She said, "He's gone."

"He is.  But what he did to us. . . well, it remains, Blair.  It's there."

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The Mysterious Samuel Toddman: Chapter 6

Back in the Cafe, the subject of Carlo's interest was sitting stunned after Tomas's announcement.

"His name is Samuel? Now I'm really confused. I used to know a Sam, but he died tragically. In fact, he died in the same year as my painting. My youngest was named after him. This is getting more puzzling and creepier every time I learn something new about this Artist. This Samuel seems to know all about me and I know nothing about him. Just who has been telling him about me and describing me. I have to find this man. He's hiding something, it's impossible for him to paint as he's been doing. Somehow, he has got a lock on my past that is scary." Blair turned to Christian, "What do we do next?"

Christian looked at Blair. He'd been listening intently to everything that Tomas was telling them and trying to picture this man described by Tomas. "Blair, I have an idea. Perhaps I can draw a sketch of this man using whatever descriptions Tomas can give me. Then at least we'll have something to start showing around. Someone else has seen this man. He's been living here for seven years, he has to exist."

"What an excellent suggestion, Mr Vega. After we’ve completed our breakfast we'll return to my Gallery . I have supplies there that you can use. Perhaps once we have his likeness, we'll be closer to finding him." Tomas turned his eyes once more to Blair. " And my dear Blair perhaps you would allow me some time to show you a little of my beautiful Paris.  To come all this way and not see my City of Lights would, in itself, be a tragedy." he smiled.

Blair smiled at the two men sitting opposite her. "Christian, I knew you would come up with an idea. A sketch is ideal. But as soon as you complete it, you should give some time to the other reason you made this trip with me. You need to resolve things with Layla." Her eyes focused on Tomas. “Tomas, you've been so good to give us your valuable time helping us. I think I would like to see Paris, I really need a diversion right now. "

"Good, then we have a plan. Although many questions still remain, I have a feeling we're moving in the right direction, and a little diversion is always welcomed when stress gets you down." Tomas smiled warmly at Blair. He and Christian exchanged knowing glances, and together they all continued their breakfast, content in the realization that they were making progress toward finding their mysterious artist.

***

Samuel felt an inner calm come over him. He knew that someone had been keeping an eye on him ever since he got to France, and with the exception of that one night in the restaurant, they had taken a back seat, as if they made the decision to watch only. It had been unnerving to know there were eyes on him constantly, but the feeling of menace had lessened over the years until yesterday. Why had he felt that sudden dread last night? Was it because he was starting to feel like those long lost memories might indeed be surfacing? Did the menace have something to do with those forgotten memories? Samuel cleared his head. One thing that was certain, he had a breakthrough this morning. He had a memory and what a memory. " My God, I have a child out there somewhere." Was it a boy or a girl? Where was this child and who was the mother? "Could my beautiful Muse be the mother of my child?" If she was, then all these years he had been painting someone real. It was imperative that he find out if she was more than just his imagination. "I'm not sure where to start."

He sighed as reality set in. First things first. "I need to go to the bank and exchange some of the money I got last night. I must still eat and pay the everyday bills." Samuel got up and going to the table he picked up the several thousand dollars he had separated last night. He grabbed his coat, reached for the mask and secured it to his face again. It had become second nature to cover the side of his face. He, himself, didn't like to look at the scars, they stirred up feelings of panic, remorse and revulsion whenever he looked at them. The mask made it easier to face people one on one, without encountering that same revulsion on someone else's face. Leaving the apartment, he headed in the direction of the Gallery. He was not going that far today. He had found a small bank close to the Gallery and it was there that he usually exchanged the dollars into Euros.  Smiling to himself, he recalled that first encounter at the bank.

It had been a foggy wet morning when he went to the bank for the first time. He walked into the bank and suddenly found himself surrounded by guards. He was stunned but quickly put his hands up. They began asking him questions in French and he tried to tell them he only spoke English. He was finally aided by a young mademoiselle who stopped the guards long enough to ask him some questions,"Monsieur, they believe you are trying to rob us."

 "What? No, I'm trying to exchange currency. Please explain that to them." 

"They wish to know why you are wearing a mask?" 

"Oh, I didn't even think.  I wear it all the time.  If they'll let me.  I'll show the reason for the mask."

 The young lady turned to the guards and explained what he had told her, then at their nods she turned and said. "Monsieur, they will allow you to remove it but carefully."

 Samuel remembered how embarrassed he felt when he removed the mask. Wincing he had listened to the collective gasps that went up and watched the falling gazes of the guards. The young woman very gently told him he could replace the mask and asked if she could help him with his exchange. The guards had quietly turned and walked away. He had followed her to her station and had noted her name. It was a pleasant name for a pleasant young lady. Mademoiselle Jessica. She helped him that day, and from then on she took it upon herself to help him with all of his exchanges. He was looking forward to seeing her this morning.  It had been a while since he had been to the bank.

Reaching the bank, Samuel entered and silently nodded to the guards and made his way to Jessica. As she saw him enter, she gave a small wave. Finishing with her customer. she turned toward him and smiled her endearing smile. "Monsieur Samuel, it has been quite a while. I feared you had left Paris."

"My darling Jessica, only you would miss me. I'm sorry it's been so long. I just need to exchange several thousand today." Samuel filled out the necessary paperwork and handed Jessica the money. In turn she handed him the comparable Euros.

  "Monsieur Samuel, you need to get out more. Do you only venture out when you need money? This is not good for such a man as yourself. Surely there is a woman to keep you company." Jessica inquired.

With a slight smile Samuel replied " Oh my dear, I have three very lovely ladies who keep me company." and then he turned and exited the bank
.
Samuel felt pretty good as he left the bank. Jessica always made him feel like someone worth something. Samuel looked around, there wasn't too much pedestrian traffic . Maybe it was a good day to try and put himself out among a few more people and see if it would bother him like it had when he first arrived in Paris. Squaring his shoulders, he decided to continue towards the Gallery. No one in the Gallery knew him except for Tomas.  Perhaps he could go in and just enjoy the artwork. Yes, he thought, I can see what some of the other artists in the area are painting. As he walked, he thought of the previous night when he had given Tomas his name. He still couldn't understand why he revealed his name to Tomas. For seven long years he had kept the anonymity. He had just felt safer. By keeping quiet about his name, he'd felt like he was keeping that menace at bay. Of course, he had only told his first name, Tomas couldn't track him down just by his first name.  Boy, now that's a paranoid thought. Just who would be tracking me down.  In his heart, he knew where that thought had come from. It all stemmed back to those initial feelings of urgency he had felt on leaving the hospital. The feeling that he had to go and hide, that he had to keep someone safe. He had never figured out whom he was keeping safe because he couldn't remember anyone from his past.  That was in his past. Today he was going to take a chance.  He was nearing the Gallery, maybe Tomas would be there and he could talk to him about the previous night.

As he rounded the corner, he saw the Gallery ahead. He was about to go to the door when a cab pulled up in front and three people alighted. He recognized the first gentleman as Tomas then there was a second gentleman. The second gentleman was helping a woman out of the cab. Samuel didn't see her face it was turned away from him but as he watched his heart started beating faster. She seemed so familiar and he was just looking at her back. Samuel felt dizzy, everything was spinning. He tried to focus on the woman but suddenly a sharp stabbing pain went through his head. The pain was so excruciating that Samuel was forced to his knees.

Grabbing his head, Samuel tried to stand back up but then nothing, darkness filled his vision.

This wasn't right had he gone blind. No, there was light filtering in from somewhere. As his eyes focused once more, he saw that he wasn't on the street, in fact, it didn't look like anyplace he had ever seen.  All round him was this half-darkness , no tangible items to touch or see but he could hear someone talking yet couldn't see anyone.  Where was he? What was going on? Ahead of him he noticed a figure walking towards him. A very unusual looking woman, if you could call her that, was nearing him. She/he was saying something, then the words began to make sense.

" Samuel, you must calm down. I need you to close your eyes and take some deep breaths. It's going to be okay, but you must do what I tell you."

Who was this person? Samuel didn't feel any panic just bewilderment. How did this person know him? Even as he was thinking these thoughts, Samuel felt the pain begin to lessen in his head.

Ms.Perkins spoke again. "Samuel, close your eyes and reach to your side."

Not really understanding why, Samuel did as instructed.

Suddenly he felt something substantial, he opened his eyes and the street slowly came back into focus. Samuel straightened up and leaned against the wall of the building. The pain in his head had gone away, but he felt his heart beating very fast and he could hardly catch his breath. He looked toward the Gallery. The cab had left and there were no signs of Tomas and the two other people. What had just happened?

Samuel slowly pulled himself together. Whatever just happened, it was obvious that this wasn't the time to see Tomas. He moved to the edge of the street and flagged down another cab. Getting in, he told the cabby to take him to #19 Rue Morgue, he knew he was no longer up to the walk.  Arriving home, he paid for the ride and went up to his apartment.

 He needed to think. Samuel walked into his sitting room and removed his coat and mask. He then headed to the kitchen and pulled down a bottle of wine from his cabinet. It was only a little after one, but he felt in need of something stronger than water. Pouring himself some wine he grabbed the wineglass and walked back into the sitting room. His heart was just now getting back to normal. He sat there and replayed what had transpired earlier. What was it about that woman that grabbed his attention, and where had he gone? The dizziness and the pain were something new. He really needed to see a doctor, but he also hated doctors.

 His thoughts kept going back to the darkness and the person who had talked to him. It had seemed so strange and yet safe, he really wanted to know who else had been in that darkness with him. He had felt somebody else there besides the person who came to him. Wherever and whoever they were, Samuel began to realize that they were very important to him.

Samuel sat there drinking his wine and thinking of the things that had happened since he had awakened that morning. Deep in the recesses of his consciousness a different scene was unfolding.

"Well this is just great! Now we have to deal with her again! God! He can't let the tramp go." furious Pete again attempts to break his bonds. "I thought it was bad enough having to sit here and watch him moon over those damn paintings but if he comes in contact with her again I don't think even I can save him."

" Ahh Pete, but he loves her or Todd loves her. Even I'm getting confused" sighs Tom.

" You! Eh, You were born confused. You don't even really know 'what' love is. You're just kid." Pete laughed cruelly.

"But ah Pete, You also have no ideea of Love.  Love, she is wonderful, and our Darling Blair. mmmmwhah" Rodd blew a kiss into the air, "She'sa truly magnificent!"

"Oh my God, don't you both understand.  That woman is Trouble with a captial T." Pete rolled his eyes at his two companions and struggled even harder to get free. "She's the one who brought this whole situation to a head. If Todd hadn't been so hung up on her, he wouldn't have tangled with Mitch and he wouldn't have been pushed so far even we couldn't help. Nooo, now we have Samuel. He's so clueless. I don't understand why Todd won't come to. We've had to endure this existence for seven years. Why can't we get through to him?"

 "Well Ms Perkins says everything is coming to a head. She says Todd is coming around and that when he does we'll be able to come out again." Tom looks at Pete. "Don't you believe her?"

"Hmm" sniffed Pete. "That old bat doesn't know any more than we do, she's just keeping a tight rein on us because she thinks we'll do more damage if we're loose."

Ms. Perkins walked up behind them."You are quite right, Pete. 'You' especially will draw attention to Todd. Several years ago, someone hurt us all.  It's been a struggle to finally find the means to think and decide.  Now we have to discover a way to breakdown the barrier surrounding the room with Todd's memories. We've been making dents and small holes, but we haven't been able to make anything sizable until today. While you boys were talking, I discovered a huge crack had formed in the barrier. It was just before Samuel came here. That's why I sent him back.  Something is happening and Blair might indeed be the one needed to open the barrier and let the memories free." Ms. Perkins looked at the "boys" in front of her. "Samuel is just going to have to stay in play until we can free those memories. Do you understand, Pete?" At that she gave Pete another look and walk away.

Samuel blinked and rubbed his forehead. It was getting hard to think, everything seemed a little fuzzy. That woman with Tomas, had certainly stirred up something, she looked like someone he knew, but the memory was being elusive. Once again, the more he tried to remember the more his head began to pound and it was getting worse. That pain this morning had been more than the usual pounding,he had never felt anything like it before. Samuel again reached for his head he needed to do something about the pain or it was going to knock him out again. Taking his time he got unsteadily to his feet and moved to the bathroom. He reached the sink and stared for a few moments at his reflection.

As always his eyes were drawn to his scars. They were so ugly and he felt they were there to remind him of something equally ugly. The doctor who had stitched up the newer scar had inquired why the first one hadn't been removed and Samuel remembered saying it couldn't be removed. He didn't even know why he said it but deep in his heart he had known it was the truth. And just like the old scar, the new scar was something he needed to have, it was a clue to his past. Samuel opened the cabinet door and took out some aspirin, swallowed a couple, and headed toward the loft. He had to get back to work, headache or no headache.

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Failings of the Fathers: 4

Bea was weaving, with the winter sun pouring in the window at Mountainview.  She had almost completed the base, sidewalls, and handle, and was working diligently to finish the ribbons.  Her nurse came in, and handed her medication to her, and she took it, willingly, then went back to work.  The nurse said, "Bea, that is a lovely basket you've made.  Did you do it all by hand?"

Bea nodded and smiled, and went back to it.  She had already woven pink ribbon in the handle of the basket, and lined the bottom of it with pink padded gingham.  Now, she was working a gingham grosgrain into a large bow at the top.  She had starched it, so that the bow would remain stiff and perky at the top of the handle.  
"Momma?"

She stopped and looked up into the distance, and listened, and then turned slowly.  A large smile moved across her face, and a small noise of joy formed in her throat.  She put the basket down, and ran to Todd, with Blair standing beside, and hugged him to her.  Then, she put her arms around Blair as well.  Todd said, "Hey, Momma, how are you?"

She nodded, and walked back to her table.  

Blair said, "You've been basket-weaving?"

She nodded again.

Todd said, "We're going to ask Ray if you can come home with us, Momma.  Do you still want to?  It's nutty around that house; Little Ray is getting to be a real nut."

She smiled and nodded in agreement.  She grabbed a pad off her desk, and wrote:  I do.  I want to come and live with you.  Little Ray can make me chase him all over, and I won't mind.  Yes, I want to.

He smiled at her, and Blair did the same, taking her hand.  "Why don't we talk a little bit about how you want your room arranged and things about the house, and the kids."

She smiled and agreed.  Both she and Blair sat down, and Todd said, "Momma, I'm going to Ray's office now.  I'll be back."

Todd and Blair had talked about not letting Bea think Todd needed help from Ray.  Instead, they chose to present it as discussing her release.  Bea took the notepad and wrote:  How was the trip to Ireland?  Did Todd help his friend?

"Yes, he did.  He was a hero, Momma, you would have been proud."

I am.

"This basket, it is so lovely.  Did you make it?"

She nodded.

"That's wonderful.  It's pretty.  So intricate."

It's for you.  For the baby to sleep in.

Blair was taken aback.  Her first thought was that it was a gracious and kind thing for Bea to do.  Her second, was the idea that it was so small.  She was fairly certain, especially after the birth of Little Ray, that the baby would not fit inside the basket to sleep.

"Oh, I'm honored."

I know, it looks small.  But she will fit.

"She may.  It depends on how big she is,"  Blair was determined to be cautious with her mother-in-law.

I had a dream about her.  She's very tiny.  She fit in Todd's hand.

Blair just tilted her head, listening.  She remembered Starr, born early, so small, her tiny hands barely able to close around Larry's index finger.  She smiled, "Thank you, Bitsy.  Momma."

They embraced.

***

"I don't know anything about it, except what they told me." Todd said, after detailing to Ray some of the events of the Ireland trip.  "Aman and Lily were the ones who brought the whole thing to my attention.  I didn't even remember, Ray."

"Are you doubting they are being truthful?"

"No, I'm not doubting that.  They wouldn't lie.  I just don't remember it.  And I don't know how to deal with it now that it's invading my mind, and my life at home in the states."

"You thought you saw him."

"Yeah.  A lot of times.  One in particular, seemed so real.  But, it can't be.  The taxi and the plane, I sort of realized I had fallen asleep.  Some of the other places, sure, my eyes could be playing tricks on me, it was a quick glimpse.  The dreams, well, that's self-explanatory."

"There's something else?"

"There was one time, he just seemed . . . it was so real, I wondered if I wasn't transported back in time.  Except he looked older, worse.  Meaner."

"Where?"

"In Switzerland, at the clinic that I spent time in recovering.  Seems I told Aman that he visited me there back in '96."

"I think that makes sense.  He seemed real at the clinic because it happened before.  You saw him there in your mind then.  Your memories are just getting twisted.  You know what we do when that happens."

"Face them?"

"Yeah, or at least get them back and deal with them when we can."

"How?"

"Close your eyes for a start.  It's going to be difficult, even painful.  You've been here before.  Put yourself back in the cottage, with Aman and Lily.  Breathe slowly.  Concentrate."

A long silence prevailed.  "All I remember is physical pain.  A lot of it.  It's . . . I can't stay with it.  The memory of it even hurts."

He opened his eyes and ran both hands through his hair.

"I understand.  But if you can endure it, and remember something.  Maybe the calls?"  Ray said.

Todd closed his eyes and continued to move his mind into the past.  Let's go.  Can't be as bad as Chicago and that house.  He was able to bring up images of the cottage and his time there.  He saw himself sitting up, in a small bed.

He said, "Aman and Lily are both out.  What are the chances of that happening?"

"I don't know, I'm not familiar with their living habits."

"Well, it was never that way, only a couple of times.  Lily was home most of the time.  This day, she decided to go out while he was fishing."

"All right.  Go ahead."

"They had a phone, with a dial.  Old.  It rang.  It rang so much, and wouldn't stop until I got up to go and get it.  And I did.  I forced myself to endure the pain so that I could make it stop.  I didn't know if they were in trouble, or if the call was about them."

"Makes sense."

"It was . . . there was so much pain.  But I made it.  I picked it up.  It . . ."  he leaned over after a few minutes, and lowered his head.  "Okay, Ray.  I remember."

"What happened?"

"Peter was on the other end.  I asked how he found me.  I guess I'd forgotten he was dead, or maybe I was delirious with the pain.  Not sure."

"Did he answer?"

"He laughed."

"What else, Todd?"

"He just did his usual put-down routine.  I was never any good, I'd never heal.  I was a loser, and destined to be a loser.  Blair would never take me back.  Our kid would grow up without a father and be better off.  He said he knew I'd never have what it takes. . . the same stuff."

"All right."

"And the trouble is, it was very real to me.  I convinced Aman and Lily that he really had called.  Of course, they only pretended to believe me, because after all, they knew it couldn't really be him.  Peter was dead.  I'd already told them that story."

Ray made notes.  "He died in, what, '94?"

"Yeah.  Shortly after my pardon.  Heart attack, in front of me."

"Okay.  Then it means he was dead when the calls were made, and if that's true . . ."

"I imagined all of it.  Crazy, right?"

"What about the clinic?"

"I was catatonic at first.  He . . . appeared to me.  At the foot of my bed.  He'd done that before, but something was . . ."

Todd got quiet, staring off.  Ray waited.  Then he said, "Todd?"

There was no response.

"Hey, Todd," Ray said, sitting forward.  "Todd, it's 2013, you're in my office."

"I hear ya, I was just trying to. . ."

Ray waited again, feeling some relief that Todd had not gone inside himself.

"Shit, I remember something, Ray."  He got out of his chair.  "I remember, he was aside the bed, he was telling me he'd never forgive the time I tried to kill him, that he wanted me dead, and he wanted me to lose everything.  Funny, he said that last night. In the dream."

"Go on."

"It was so real.  He . . . Ray.  I . . . he told me what he did to me, as a child."

"All right."

"He told me what he did to my mother."

"That was you, Todd, you'd try to push those memories down when you went catatonic with Lily and Aman.  You couldn't face it then."

"Ray," Todd said, pacing wildly, and he appeared to be on the edge of panic.  "Ray, he took out a lighter.  He took out a lighter right next to my bed, and he flashed it."

"Todd, sit down.  Sit down and let's do some breathing, all right.  Come on," Ray said, starting to his feet.

"He took out the lighter.  It looked just like his, just like the one I have in . . . Oh, God, he grabbed my arm.  He grabbed my arm, and he burned it."

Ray walked slowly toward Todd.  "Todd, let's sit down, let's breathe for a minute. . ."

"He burned it, right here!"  he yelled, ripping his sleeve up.  There was a faded scar where he pointed.  "See?  He burned me."

"Todd, sit down," Ray said softly.  Todd lowered himself to the chair, still holding out his arm.  "Breathe deep for me, all right?"

Todd's demeanor softened.  "He burned me, here.  There's a scar."

"Todd," Ray began.  "You have at least fifteen scars on your arm.  Don't you remember how they got there?"

Todd stopped a moment, sucking in his breath.  "I . . . I was tortured.  In Carlo's compound."  He put his head back and looked to the ceiling.

"You were tortured for eight years.  During that time . . ."

"During that time, Leona came into my cell and acted like Peter."

"Yes."

"I'm crossing memories."

"Probably."

He looked back to the scar on his arm.  "I guess I'm all messed up."

"It all makes sense, really.  Your mind is doing what it does best, Todd.  It's protecting you.  In '96, it protected you from the truth about Peter and what he did to you and Bea.  In the years you were in captivity, it did the same.  It sent you into your mind, to be with Blair."

Todd's eyes moistened.  "Yeah."

"When you first started remembering the truth again, Todd, in Greece and Ireland last year when Jack went missing, it was the first time since with Aman and Lily.  You'd blocked it out, again.  I should have realized that Ireland, with Leona, and last year, with Timothy, was the commonality.  And there's no surprise that going to Ireland this past month has rejuvenated all of it."

"That does make sense," he said, he began rolling his sleeve back down.

"It does.  It's all related to your past.  The horrors of what happened to you and to Bea at Peter's hand."

"Why is he back?"  He stopped, and let his sleeve stay open.

"He's not back.  He's there, probably always.  Just certain times of stress bring it out more."

"I can feel what he did, Ray.  I feel that burn, in the clinic.  How can that be explained?"

"Todd, can I be honest with you?"  Ray said, returning to his desk.

"I'd never expect it to be otherwise."

"The eight years of torture is not something most patients go through.  It's very possible that the pain from those events is crossed into other parts of your life.  It's only been three years that you've been back, and some of that time was back in the same situations, emotional or otherwise.  You've never had time to really heal.  It was eight years, Todd.  It reasons that it could take at least that to undo it, completely."

"That's a long wait.  I don't want that.  I don't want it for my kids, or for Blair."

"I'm not saying it will be that long, I'm saying that you're expecting a great deal, for what you've been through.  You already had a very painful past.  Throw the losses on top of it, the Ireland things, several times, the abuse and torture in captivity, the recapture, the loss of your child.  What do you expect?  In reality, I consider you healing very quickly for what's taken place."

"I never thought of it like that."  He moved his sleeve back.  He fingered the scar.  "I . . . could have sworn . . ."

"I understand.  It will all come perfectly clear at some point, Todd.  Just give it time, and be patient with yourself.  Honestly, you're expecting it at a much faster rate than I would have ever expected, based on all that has happened."

He slumped back against the seat.  "Is  . . . is my mother able to come home with us?  Will what I am going through harm her at all?"

"Yes, and no.  Yes to the first question, and no to the second.  What she needs, right now, is to be part of your life.  You will have to bring her for outpatient treatment, though.  What you need, Todd, is your mother.  You need her, to help you deal with what you both experienced, just as she needs you."

He folded his arms, and looked back at Ray, blankly.

"Todd?  You see what I mean, don't you?"

"I don't know."

"She feels she wasn't mother to you enough; you feel deserted by your protectors as a child.  There's nothing there that can harm either of you.  If anything, it's just what the doctor ordered."

Todd ran his finger over the same scar, and then said, "Good.  It's overdue."

"There might be emotions connected to this time you're going to spend with her, Todd.  Be ready for them and let them come.  Don't try and fight them.  It's part of the healing."

Todd stood and nodded, then picked up his coat, and brushed his hair back again.  "I don't know what to say to you, Ray.  It's been almost twenty years now, and you've always come through for me."

"Don't mention it, Todd."

The door closed behind him.

***

Will Todd come back to see me before you leave?

"I'm sure he will, Momma.  I am positive you'll love your room, it's decorated in pink."

Pink is my favorite.  Will Sam be there, the little boy with Spiderman?

"Of course.  You know, he's still in a cast from his injury."

He jumped from the roof.  Please, tell me he did not want to go with the sparrows.

Blair covered the woman's hand with hers, "No, Momma. He didn't.  He wanted an adventure.  He thought the snow would be soft, like cotton."

Blair, what happened to Todd in Ireland?

She could do nothing but laugh to herself.  "Did you notice something?"

His eyes look haunted.  He looks, like he looked sometimes as a child.

Blair gulped, and before she had time to answer, Todd said, "Well, ladies, I'm here."

"We're glad to see you.  Someone is very excited about moving in."

"Momma, I'm going to have all your things sent.  You can go with us, now.  I've already signed the papers.  You're in my custody.  For now."

I understand all that.  I know what I have to do.  I won't do anything wrong or wander off.  Ray explained everything to me.  I don't want to do anything but get well and be with you, Todd, and my family.

"Then it's settled, let's go.  Hey, what's this basket for?"

"It's for us, for Jewel to sleep in."  Blair explained.

"Jewel's going to be bigger than this, Momma," he said, when he took it in hand to carry it out.

Blair looked at Bea, who was smugly smiling.  "Momma thinks she'll be smaller.  It doesn't matter, it's beautiful and I am sure we'll put it to good use."

Bea grabbed her artist portfolio that Todd gave her, and a special box for her pencils, and her coat.  Todd took the first few items, and Blair helped her on with her coat.  Blair said, "Oops, Jewel just kicked me!"  and took Bea's hand and placed it where the kick was.  "See?"

The woman's face was a mixture of awe and sadness.  Her bottom lip trembled, and tears came to her eyes.  She buried her face in her hand, while the other still rested on Blair.  

Let them come.  Don't try and fight it.  It's all part of healing.

Todd approached them both, after letting the items rest against the wall, and put his arms around his mother.  Still covering her face, she fell into Todd's chest.  His other arm went around Blair's shoulder, as she tried to compose herself and not break down.  He said, softly, "Momma, it's all right.  We have plenty of time to get to know Jewel, and the other kids.  Let's go home."

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Failings of the Fathers, Chapter 4 - CLOUD - Sunday, July 13

Todd's Saga 24 - KARENA - unknown date

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NEW NOVELLA:  Memories Unlocked - KARENA - COMING SOON

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Failings of the Fathers: 3

It was a short dream, but regardless of the length, it made him open his eyes and stare at the ceiling, before he realized his tank was wet with sweat.  Peter was in it.  Wasn't he?  Yes, he was.  He was at the foot of the bed, again, leering.  When Todd had sat up, in the dream, and spoke, "What do you want from me?" he had received a simple answer:  Everything.  I want to make sure you have nothing left.

He could still hear those words and Peter's voice, as if he had spoken to him yesterday.  

It was a dream.  

He repeated his mantra to himself.  I have a wife, her name is Blair.  She's right next to me, carrying . . . carrying our baby girl.  He couldn't go on.  He sat up, and looked at her.  She was asleep, one hand on her belly, the other on the pillow next to her head.  He could hear her breathing, so he knew she was all right.  Of course, she's all right, she's asleep, you're all safe.  You're home.  It was a dream, there's no Peter.  You're just . . . tired.  A lot has happened.  The house in Chicago, Momma.  The stuff in Ireland and in Switzerland.  Blair, falling today.

A different voice: Give yourself a break, Todd.  Coach.  Coach, who had pulled him off Peter when he was squeezing his neck.  The night . . . Todd had attacked his father.  Determined to kill him, he had gotten him to the ground and sat over him, strangling him with his bare hands.  The man's face was turning a light shade purple before he finally let go.  He had spit when he snarled out what he'd wanted to say.  How do you like it, huh?  How do you like being under someone, helpless?  If Coach hadn't shown up . . .

He turned toward her.  He watched her, hoping she'd open her eyes, and know.  She slept soundly, not moving, only breathing.  Aw, Blair, he was here, in my head.  He's out to hurt us . . . No.  He's not ALIVE.  He's just in your mind.  

He's saying that your madness will take your life away.

He fell back softly on the pillows again.  

He can't get the boys.  Or Starr.  He's not living.  The only way he could do that, is through me, if he takes me from them because my mind snaps, and I leave them, and Blair.  That's what this means.  He's breaking me from the inside.  He's dead, and he's still hurting me, still fucking with me.  Will I let him?  He's dead.  

He opened his eyes, and looked at Blair again.  She had moved, slightly, and her hair was cascading over one side of her face.  He studied her breathing, how her breasts rose and fell, and one hand always stayed on the baby's place.  The baby that was a miracle.  He closed his eyes.  

Yeah.  That's what I should think about.  This baby is a miracle.  No one thought we could get pregnant again, the odds were against it.  No one believed it, even us.  And there she is, inside Blair, a new life growing inside this woman that I . . .

He opened his eyes and saw her reaching out.  "I'm here, come here, Todd," she said, enfolding him.  She heard him sigh, audibly, and his voice rasped a little.  She reassured, "It's okay."

He melted into her.  He didn't want to think or talk.  He wished she could hold him that way forever, and make it all go away.  He hoped she wouldn't ask him anything.

She didn't.  She held him, and petted and caressed him.  She said, finally, "You've got to come to a resting place, Todd.  It's been so much.  You need to rest.  Mentally.  You've barely grieved the loss of your childhood, or your mother's abuse, and your own.  How do you expect to just go on, like nothing happened?  And eight years of torment, and since you've been back, one thing after another.  Life will be okay, soon, but you can't rush it."  She waited.  "You don't have to say anything, just let me hold you."

God, how does she always know?

He continued to let her touch him, with compassion in her fingers, and stroke away his tension.  He concentrated on the feel of her fingers in his hair, against his cheek and ears, and across his shoulders, and pleaded with himself for sleep.  She felt this, the tightness in his body, and she worked at relaxing him.  "Don't worry, My Love, just rest."

He closed his eyes, and put his hand on her middle.  He felt Jewel move against his hand, and it was the crown of her head this time, against his palm, so tiny but so alive.  And for some reason, unknown to him, he broke down.  Blair attempted to bring him solace by softly shushing him, repeating the words she thought he needed to hear, but he couldn't hear them, not where it counted.  Her heart felt as if it split, hearing him try and stifle himself against her shoulder.  "Shhhh."

He couldn't.

"Why?" she asked.  "Why, Todd?"  She almost was not expecting an answer, and continued to hold him.  They stayed as they were for a very long time, her, trying to smooth his despair with her hands.

Finally, he spoke.  "Every time I think I'm okay . . ."

"You are getting there.  It hasn't been all that long that you've even been home."  She paused, "What happened just then?"

"I felt. . .  my little girl . . .  Jewel's head, and I just . . . I lost it."

"Todd, did you . . . was there another dream?"

He nodded, and went onto his back.  She crept against him and put her head in her place.  Her fingers were tracing circles on his chest.  "You don't want to tell me?"

"Yeah, there was another dream."

"Peter?"

"Yep."

"I'm going to have to tell that asshole off, you do realize this?"

His tone changed.  "Please.  Maybe he'll go away, permanently."

"He will.  He will, Todd."

"He . . . says he wants the boys.  Blair, Ray is three. . ."

"Stop, now.  It's a dream.  The things you're afraid to lose."

It was very quiet.  The fireplace was crackling, and needed wood.  He said, "Am I crazy?"

She got up, and got a log to put into the fireplace.  "No, My Love, you're not crazy."

He got up and went to her, and put his arms around her from the back.  "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Just being there, when I fall apart."

"As long as you need me."

"What do you need, Mrs. Manning?"

"Just you, the kids.  This house.  A healthy baby.  A life for us."

"Okay.  That can be arranged."

"You already did."

"I want it to stay like that.  I'm . . . always scared it will end."

She turned to him, "No, it won't end.  It won't, as long as we're both living.  You know that.  Our love will outlive everyone."

He kissed her, and brought her to him.  She said, "Don't feel guilty, about needing me to lean on.  You were my rock Todd, when the baby died.  And when I found out I couldn't have another baby, or we thought.  And when we almost lost Jack, in Greece, and just near Christmas with the drinking.  And what about when we almost lost Sam?  And I thought I was going to lose Jewel?  You don't have the corner on needing me, you know.  I need you, too."  

"Look at us.  What do you think?  Pathetic?"

She sat on the sofa.  "Us?  Pathetic?"  she smiled up at him.

He sat beside her.  "I don't know, it's not so bad, being pathetic, if I have you to be pathetic with."

She put her head on his shoulder.  "You're not so pathetic.  You're just hurting, Todd.  I so want to take it away from you."

"You do, every time you look at me with those eyes."  He brushed her hair back.  "Those eyes.  Hope Jewel has them."

"Maybe.  Or she could have yours."

"I guess."

"I love you, Todd.  I always have, and I always will."

He took her hand, and kissed it.

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Todd's Saga 23: A Sister's Love

        Viki sat down at her desk looking at the picture of Clint.  She recalled her eye-opening luncheon with Blair. 

        The doorbell rang and Viki headed for it immediately.  “It’s okay Nigel, I’ve got it.”  Opening the door, she smiled. “Oh Blair, I’m so glad you made it.  I have something to tell you and I couldn’t over the phone.  You’re the only one I can talk to about Todd.  Please come in.  Is everything with the pregnancy going alright?”

        Blair returned the smile.  “The baby and I are doing fine.  I’m glad you called.”  She looked around to make sure they were alone, then whispered.  “He spoke with me last night and gave me some news I’m sure you’ll be glad to hear.  He found ..”

        “Clint.”  Viki finished Blair’s sentence with her own whisper.  At Blair’s look of surprise, she  put a finger to her lips and spoke very quietly.  “I got a call this morning.  Because of Todd’s warning, I made up the story about Clint and the doctors just in case someone was listening to our phone conversation.  I figured once you were here, we could talk in private.”  She raised the level of her voice and continued.  “Let’s go eat.”   She led the way to the solarium. “I thought we could eat in here.  My security assures me that this room is safe to talk in.  We found several listening devices around the home after I returned from New Orleans, but I followed Todd’s advice, and told the security company to leave them alone.  I guess the organization didn’t feel this room was worth bugging.”

        Blair was kind of glad they were having lunch in the solarium.  She liked the room.  She remembered vividly the Christmas she decided to keep Jack.  She could still picture Todd standing in the room, determined to make her keep their son.  Of course she hadn’t known Jack was really hers at the time, but that was all water under the bridge.  She had forgiven Todd for that a long time ago.  “This is lovely, Viki.  Alright, we’re alone.  Tell me, did Todd call you?  Is Clint really okay?  When I talked to Todd, he said Clint had been through a rough time.”

         Viki laughed. “Please, sit down.  It sounds like Todd didn’t tell you a whole lot.  At first, I thought it was Todd calling since it was on the phone he gave me down in New Orleans.  I was totally shocked when I heard Clint’s voice, and in answer to your question, yes, he said he was okay.  He told me he was tired, but that he was happy to hear my voice.  I guess Todd filled him in on what went down at the Man of the Year Gala.  He was mortified.   He told me that Todd got him out of the compound, but he was a little fuzzy about the details.  He said that he needed to stay with Todd and in hiding and that he loved me.”

        “You must be so relieved, Viki.”  Blair reached across and put her hand gently on Viki’s.  “Did he tell you the rest of the story.”

        Viki looked at her bewildered .  “What do you mean the rest of the story?  I was so relieved that he was alright.  All I wanted to do was let him know I still loved him.  When he said he had to stay hidden, I asked him why and he said it was too dangerous for him to come home.  He said he agreed with Todd that it was important that things in Llanview didn’t get tangled up in his escape.”  She paused, thinking about the danger Todd and Clint were in.   “I hate this, Blair.  Both my brother and Clint are now living in exile because of this Organization.  I wish Bo could find out more about them.  Even Tea is a shadow of her former self.   She knows Victor is a captive of these people, and she’s unable to cope.   Dani has just added to Tea’s stress because of Arturo.”

        “Dani and Tea will weather this.  I’ve no doubt.  Tea is a lot tougher than you think.” .Blair squeezed Viki’s hand.  “I agree with you about Todd and Clint.  They should be here.  Todd worked so hard to make headway with Jack and we had just gotten back together.  Then these people pulled the rug out from under his feet.  It’s so unfair.  I don’t understand why the organization is so hell-bent on hurting Todd, Victor, and Clint.  But speaking of Tea, I have more news.  Todd didn’t just rescue Clint.  He got Victor out too, but there’s a problem.  Victor has changed. Todd says that the organization brainwashed him.”

        “Oh my goodness, so Todd also found Victor! That’s wonderful. I don’t understand?  Why does Todd say Victor’s been brainwashed?” Viki couldn’t believe it.  Bo and a number of law enforcement agencies were looking for her brother Victor and now Todd had him. “I know Victor seemed jumpy when he was here, but he seemed in control of his faculties.  What did the Organization do to him?”

         “I don’t know. It seems Victor was walking around free and working for the Organization.  Todd said they must have really messed with his mind. He seemed to think they used the same methods on Victor and Clint that Irene used on him.  It disturbed him, I heard it in his voice last night.”  Blair shivered involuntarily as she realized how hard it must have been for Todd to enter the compound again.

        Viki noticed Blair’s reaction. “Blair dear, what’s the matter?”

        Blair looked at Viki.  “I was just wondering how Todd managed to go back into the compound.  You know it was where Irene held him all that time.  He’s been having nightmares for a while, just being so close to the place.  Viki, he’s so alone.  Victor hates his guts and Clint isn’t one of his biggest fans either.  Neither of them has the slightest idea what it must have taken for him to go in and get them out.”  Tears had gathered while she talked about him and then they just overflowed.

         Viki got up and moved to gather Blair into a hug.  “Now now, Todd is the strongest man I know.“  She grabbed a napkin and began to dry Blair’s tears.   “I know that one of these days more people are going to realize that he’s not the villain they’ve made him into all these years.  In the meantime, he’s not alone.  He has you and me, and we’re going to support him any way we can.  I think I need to make a trip to see Mr. Butler on some business.  He won’t want you to travel anymore, now that you’re into your last trimester, but he can’t stop me from coming to see him.  He needs help with Clint and Victor and we’re going to give it to him.  But right now, we need to get some food in you.   After all, you are still eating for two, and I’m sure you’re just more emotional because you’re worrying about Todd.”   Blair nodded and managed to get her feelings back in control.  As they ate, they put their heads together to figure out the best plan for Viki’s trip.

        Viki sighed.  She touched the picture of Clint. “ I’m so glad you’re alright.  You keep recovering, and I’ll be there soon.”  She stood and picked up the list of things she had to take care of before she left town.  “Nigel.” 

         Nigel stepped into the Library.  “Yes Madame, was there something you needed?”

         “Yes, something’s come up and I need to make a trip this evening to New Orleans.  There are some issues at the Banner that I’m going to go take care of and then I’ll need you to drive me to the Airport.  Cord is allowing me the use of the Buchanan Enterprises jet for this trip.  I expect I’ll be down there for a number of days.  Mr. Butler and I need to iron out some more financial matters.”

        “Very good, Madame.  If Miss Natalie calls, do I tell her where you’ve gone?“  Nigel asked.

         “Yes, that’s fine.  She knows all about Mr. Butler.” She turned to face Nigel. “Would you do me another favor?”

         “If I can, Madame?”

          “Would you keep an eye on Blair for me?  You know she’s carrying my brother’s child and it’s hard for her since he’s no longer here.  Dorian’s been all wrapped up with Mr. Peterson and Blair would be the last person to show she’s hurting or worried.  I feel someone needs to look after her a little bit.  I know Mr. Butler would appreciate anything you would do because he’s concerned about her too.”

        Nigel gave a little bow. “Certainly.  She is, as you say, not one to show any of her weaknesses.  Even though he would never admit it, Asa always admired her spunk.  Since you will be away, I’m sure I can find time to visit Shelter over the next few days.”

        “Thank you, Nigel.”  With that Viki headed out to tie up some loose ends before her trip.

****

Todd entered the house.  He had planned on coming home shortly after he had talked with Sam Vance but then OTB business had interfered and he had been forced to stick around and put out some fires.  He paused in the back entrance listening for any signs that Victor was still making trouble.   All was quiet upstairs.  He wanted to talk to both Clint and Victor about Carl Peterson, but he knew Victor was going to be a problem.  

         Just as he started for the stairs, his stomach growled in response to the good smells emanating from the kitchen.  He realized it had been a long time since he had shared the croissants with Victor.  Having Clint as a houseguest, reminded him of the time he had spent in Viki’s house and of all the times he had talked to her in the kitchen when he had arrived back home in 2011.  There had been something comforting being able to talk to her, knowing she would listen and not judge.  She had taken him in, even though she was uncertain he was really her brother, and that made it all the more special to him.  He missed her and was glad he had arranged the call that morning for Clint.  At least she wouldn’t have to worry about Buchanan any longer.  As his stomach made more noise he turned and headed for the kitchen.  His talk with Clint and Victor would have to wait.

          As he neared the door, he heard Clint’s voice.  He pushed open the door. “Don’t even think about it, Clint.  That’s one cook you won’t get your hands on.”  He stopped, dumbfounded by what he saw.  “Sis?”  

          Viki smiled at her brother and wiped her hands down the apron she was wearing over her suit. “Yes, Todd, it’s me.”  She stirred the stew cooking on the stove.  “Don’t look so surprised.  I’m here to help.  Now come, sit down and eat.”

           Todd gulped, “What the hell are you doing here?”   He couldn’t believe what he was seeing.  Viki was standing in his kitchen like it was the most natural thing in the world and she had no idea the risk she was taking.  “Don’t you realize how dangerous this is for you?”  he turned to Clint angrily.  “Why didn’t you call and let me know she was here?”

          “Whoa there, Todd.  I was just as surprised to find her here, as you are.  I’ve been upstairs babysitting that damn brother of yours all day.  I didn’t know Viki arrived until I came down to check on dinner and found her sending the cook home.  I was so damn glad to see her, I didn’t even think of you.” Clint then smiled at Viki, who in turn smiled back.

         Todd turned back to Viki.  “I don’t understand?  How did you get in without knocking?”

         Viki walked over to Todd and touched his arm.  “Blair gave me her key.  I wanted to check on Clint and I knew if I asked, you would have forbidden me to come.” 

        “You’re damn right I would have forbidden you.  You need to go back home.  Now!”

        “Todd, Stop!  I’m not going anywhere but over to the table to eat and so are you.  Go sit down.  After dinner, we’ll talk some more.”  She gave him a gentle shove towards the table and then picked up the pot of stew and set it down next to her plate.  She picked up the ladle. “Clint, pass me your plate.” 

        Todd shook his head and sat down.  It was useless to argue with her when she set her mind to something.  But as soon as the meal was finished, they would talk.  

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Failings of the Fathers: 2

"Todd, it's Aiden."  The voice was very familiar, and Todd quietly got up as not to disturb Blair.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"I called to thank ya, for a couple of things."

"Okay, what things?"

"Dad told me about the way ya arranged the Irish breakfasts here in Switzerland."

"Yeah, well, the food wasn't all that great as I remember it."

"Well, it hasn't changed much."

"I'm glad, then, that I did that."

"It's more than I could have asked for.  It was the best breakfast I've had in weeks, really.  Even the one the other day at The Wild Swan wasn't quite as good."

Todd got a lump in his throat hearing the name of the place again.  He was going to be very pleased when he never had to hear it again.  "Well, that's good then.  How's my sister?"

"She's a beauty.  So concerned with me.  She dotes on me.  I can't say I dislike it."

"Another good."

"Ya, I just wanted ya to know how much I appreciated that."

"Well, I know.  Thanks for calling."

"One more thing."

"Shoot."

"What ya've done, for the RA21, the gang.  I can't explain to ya what it means.  All of them are lost souls, to be honest, even I.  Giving them this purpose to their lives is something very important.  I was worried, last week, when I realized that ending the Men of 21 was also ending their reason for life.  I am glad that there is something there.  And y'ar responsible for it.  And it can't be taken lightly, by anyone, and especially not by ya.  They have nothing.  They have no one, but each other.  They have less than I do, and that's not much.  Ya have to know . . ." his voice shattered, and Todd waited.  "Ya have to know what ya've done for them.  And me."

He cleared his throat.  "I . . . it isn't . . . you're welcome, Aiden.  I did what I thought was the right thing."

"It was.  And with all we've been through, I think of ya as my brother.  We may not be flesh, but we are tied to each other many ways.  I must say, I've come to know and love ya, and I will always consider ya my kin.  I want ya to get on with y'ar happiness, with Blair and y'ar family.  Forget the past."

Todd was unable to speak this time, and as he stood, before the glass panes looking out over his yard, he felt Blair's slender arms sliding up from behind him over his chest.  Overtaken, he handed her the phone.  She was puzzled for a moment, but when he pulled away from her and walked to the fire, she answered.  "Hello?"

"It's Aiden, Eric, Blair."

"Hi, how are you feeling?"

"I'm all right.  Is he?"

"He's . . . he's okay.  Emotional.  He sometimes can't deal with things that paint him in a good light."

"I thanked him for what he did for me, and for the gang."

"Then I am sure that's why he's overcome."

"And Blair, I feel he's my family.  My brotha.  I told him, and I'll tell ya, I love ya both, and he'll always be kin."

She realized when hearing this why her husband was speechless.  "He loves you.  I know he does, as I do, Aiden.  I am hopeful for your recovery."

"Ah, yes, the same here.  I hope to see ya again, and Todd, soon."

"I hope so, too."

"Perhaps a visit from ya, when I finish my surgeries?"

She looked to Todd's back, and his arms were folded as he stared into the fire.  She said, "No.  I don't think so.  That place, it makes him . . ."

"Is he suffering?  I don't want to add to it."

"He's fine.  We're both fine.  He had a negative reaction to that place, but it's understandable."  She walked up behind Todd, and gently tapped him.  He turned to her, his eyes just drying.  She said, "If you want me to check and see if he's able to say goodbye . . .?"

He took the phone from her.  He said, "Aiden, I'm sorry, I was . . . well, some things I just don't do well with, ya know?"

"Sure."

"But I thank you for calling and telling me.  It meant a lot.  To hear it.  I've never had a  brother before, and it just made me feel . . . strange.  In a good way."

"I understand.  Thanks again, Broham.  Love ya, and hugs to the family."  The call ended.

Todd's face slightly twisted with feeling.  "I'm a washout at that stuff.  Especially now."

"It's all right.  He knows what you mean and where your heart is."  Blair said.  "It is beautiful, what you did for him and those men."

"It's what needed to be done.  They needed a life."

"And you helped provide it."

"Better than providing death, or just doing nothing."

"Yes, very much so."  She slipped her arms around him.  "Soon, you'll have a new brother, maybe living in the states, and a new baby daughter."

He smiled.  "I got to see what it was like to raise a son.  But not a daughter, not all the way.  I mean, I missed a lot of Starr's life. I wonder if she will forgive me for all that."

"She already has."  She kissed his cheek, and his ear, "You know that."

"She loves me.  Shorty always did."

"So did her mother.  It may not have seemed that way . . ."

"It didn't seem like I loved you all the time either, but I did, Babe.  Every second, since I first touched you."

"Is that other thing okay?"  She braced herself for his answer.

"What the Peter thing?  Yeah.  I haven't seen him since I left there.  No mystery appearances."

"It was just the stress of being there, and being back in the clinic."

Todd thought back to the clinic.  The feelings he had when he was first there, with Aiden and Timothy, brought a metallic flavor to his mouth.  And Peter, the image of him, older, and more menacing, in the lobby . . . his mind was playing tricks on him.  And the dream.  He wants the boys.

"Todd, are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay.  I'm all right, Babe."  He said, coming back from Switzerland in his mind, and moving himself back to being there, with her.  He kissed her passionately.

"Oh, you are all right.  I'm glad.  What about Ray?"

"I'm still going to see him."

"Whatever you want."

"I . . . just need to."

"Todd, if something is going on, other than what I already know . . ."

"No, it's just. . . it bothers me that I thought Peter called me back then.  I thought he was in my room at the clinic.  That's pretty heavy stuff.  And now, I thought I saw him.  It just bugs me.  Ray will know what to do."

She was glad that he had put his faith in Ray.  She said, "So, now what?"

"Now, I show you the rest of that test," he said, placing her hand on him.

"Oh, well, I can tell you that someone's happy I'm here."

"That someone's me.  Always happy you're around me," he said, and without notice, he swung her legs into his arms and carried her to the bed.  Kissing her neck, he placed her down gently on her back, leaned over and kissed her belly.  "Your parents are tired," he said toward her stomach, noticing how much the jet lag was effecting her.  

"Her Mommy is," she said, "But if you're not, then . . ."

He went toward her face, and touched her lips.  "Shh.  Now, remember Dorian's words?  Bedrest.  So, that's what we'll do.  We have a nice fire, and it's cold out there and making it comfy in here."

She yawned, "I guess so.  Should we check on the boys first?"

"I'll check on them, you go ahead to sleep.  I'll be back in a few."

Sam was already sleeping.  Todd pulled his blanket up over him and kissed his head.  Moving to Ray's room, he realized, as he stepped in, that Ray was going to need to move into Sam's room sooner or later, so that Jewel could have the nursery.  His son was sleeping, and had been sucking on the foot of an Elmo doll.  He smiled to himself, and caressed the child's head.  


I wondered if you still wanted me to live with you, after . . . well, I remembered everything, Todd.  I wasn't the best mother.  I should have protected you, and got you away from him.  I'm very sorry for that.

"Don't worry, Momma.  I wasn't the greatest father, to Starr, or to Jack," he whispered.

"Hey," Jack whispered from the doorway.  "Dad, why was Aunt Dorian here?"

"Your mother fell.  She's all right, she just got a little cut," he motioned to his head, and pulled his son into the hallway.  "Dorian patched her up."

"I heard you, just now.  Why were you talking to Grandma Bitsy?"  Jack asked.

"She . . . wants to come and live with us.  She thinks we can't forgive her, for letting . . . things happen.  As if she could have stopped anything."

"That's kind of dumb, no offense.  She couldn't do anything about it, probably."

"You're right.  It is dumb, and no, she couldn't."

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Jack."

"Think you and I could spend more time together?  I'm almost grown."

Todd almost choked up.  "Sure.  Of course."

"Good.  That Ireland trip sort of . . . I felt like I barely saw you."

"You're right.  But we're home.  You tired?"

"Not all that much."

"Want to go and get some pizza from the freezer?  I still have some caterer pies left."

"Yeah.  That sounds good."

"You can fill me in on Jenna and you, in Ireland, and Sergeant Shaun."

They made their way downstairs, and as they passed the master bedroom, he noticed the door was ajar.  Looking in, he caught sight of himself in the mirror of the closet door, that was also open.  He jumped, and rubbed at his eyes with his hand.  Behind him, he saw the shadowy image of a man, and no sooner had he seen it that it was also gone.

Jack said, "Dad?  What's the matter?"

"Uh, no.  Um, nothing," he brushed it off in front of his son.

"Dad, I saw you jump.  Something happened."

He wasn't going to let Jack have even a suspicion that he was on his way back to Ray, and maybe worse.  "I saw myself in the mirror, and I just got startled.  Let's go eat, huh?"

"Sure, okay."  Jack said, and he watched as Todd went in front of him down the stairs.   

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