Todd Revisited: Decision (Chapter 28)

He'd been through worse before.  He knew that.  In fact, if he took time to think it over, his whole life had been one horror over the next, with some sprinklings of beauty, honest feeling and depth mixed in.  When he surveyed it though, he realized just how much he had been through, and what that meant.  As he stood now, how could they wonder why he was so desperate to get his life back?  Before he was a Lord, he had nothing.  He had a branch from someone else's Christmas tree with tin cans, strung popcorn and what he thought was a useless key on a chain.  He had built that paper.  The Sun was his.  He had worked it from a tabloid nothing to what it was before Victor had gotten his hands on it.  It had made him somebody.  How could he bear to lose that?  


This day was going to prove to be important but fell flat.  He went to see his brother, asked him to leave his office, wanted to take back what was his, but it didn't pan out.  The wuss called the police, and Bo showed, telling him there was no proof he was Todd.  No proof I am me?  I was tortured for 8 years.  I remember threatening your wife, Bozo, in the beach house.  I can describe every minute of it . . .


He stopped himself.  Blair had pulled into the driveway at Llanfair.  She had offered him a ride "home."  He remembered, "I don't have a home, he took everything away from me."  In his pocket was the photo of Starr he took of his brother's desk.  He took it out briefly and peeked at it for strength as Blair got out of the car.


"I told you, Todd, not to get into this angry thing again."  


He got out, walking aside her up to Llanfair.  "This angry thing?  It's not like someone dropped a glass and broke it, Blair.  This is my life."  


She looked across to him as they walked.  He wanted so badly to touch her, even just to hold her hand, and he held back.  He could tell she was holding back also.  He feared that one touch from her would send him into oblivion where he might fall right into her arms, but he didn't want to do that.  Neither did she, but he wondered what her reasoning was.  His was obvious.  He couldn't fall into that without making her understand how wrong she was for every doubting him.  He had to make her see that, and if he touched her, he'd never be able to stand his ground.  She, on the other hand, was probably in her denial thing, telling herself and everyone that she didn't really love or need him.  He knew better.  If he weren't so angry, he would have focused on her behavior in his brother's office; the door flew open, she and Tea came in.  Tea went to Victor, she went straight to him.  She intervened with Bo, Tea was against him, siding with Victor.  She tried to calm him, while Tea stood by her husband.  She told him she would take him home, trying to diffuse things.  All he could see was the injustice of everything.  And he believed she did also.  


There was just always this "thing" she did, to deny her feelings for him.  He could remember the countless times she had done it.  It went as far back as denying she loved him after they lost their first child.  He knew then she was fighting it then, but he proclaimed his love for her anyway, because it was the most grand thing that had ever consumed him, and still was to this day.  She'd deny her own name if it helped her avoid facing things. They stopped on the landing outside Llanfair. 


"I promise you, first thing tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up and find you a good lawyer,' she said, "cause Tea, she is a shark."


Why was it that Sam immediately came to mind?  He pushed it away.  Can't deal with that now.   "And she's on his side."


"And I, am on yours," she half whispered.  He loved that.  Can't deal with that, either.  



"So just get in there, and get some rest, and promise me you'll stay away from Victor?"


"It won't be hard.  I really can't stand the guy."


He saw her face change.  "Whatever," and she walked off, apparently disgusted with him.  


He watched after her for a moment.  So much went through his mind, not limited to walking after her, grabbing her arm and swinging her around into a kiss, or yelling after her not to bother.  All this inside him was such a jumble.  Instead, he felt for the gun, in the back of his pants.  He held it, cold and firm in his hand.  "I don't think I'm going to be needing a lawyer."  


She pulled away and he watched the car for a few minutes until it was gone, turning out of the end of the drive.  She had called John to make sure he was telling the truth, after all she knew and felt about him.  His anger boiled subtly in his gut.  Yet, there she had been, beside him.  The only one who was.  He was still seething, but not enough to Let it overcome him.  He didn't have the emotional strength to deal with how she had disbelieved him, and didn't run to him after he kissed her the first night he showed himself.  He found himself leaning against a pillar when Pete reared his head.


"Stop whining over her.  You're such a sap, Todd.  You're a man, not some kind of Romeo."  Immediately, Todd banished Pete from his mind's eye.  He heard himself say aloud, "No."


One thing he was frightened of, or had been, was Pete making an appearance again and hurting the wrong people.  He would be glad for Pete's help when he shot his brother through the heart, but he was scared to let him out or let him have his day.  What if Pete took control of him, and he hurt Starr or Blair?  Since the first day Pete was born, he had feared it.  He thought back to another time when Pete's presence had made him uneasy. 


Over the following few weeks, Todd had gained his strength back with the help of Aman and Lilly.  Ireland was turning greener, and he worked day and night to get use of his legs back.  He knew that the time to leave them was coming upon him.  Aman had fashioned some crutches out of tree limbs, and he used them every day, walking up and down the cottage floor, and later, out in the sunlight as Winter began to thaw.  He spent time thinking of Blair and the baby; of Tom and Pete and who they were; of what he had endured and what he was destined to do to change his life.  He knew he had been on the right road when he left, and now, had to get back to that life.  He also knew that he would have to spend some time in a hospital to assure that his injuries had healed well enough, and he had gone lengths to access his Swiss accounts and arrange something discrete.  He was on his way.


"Tom, you ok?"  He asked, sitting in the sunlight with Aman's too-big jacket on.  It was mid March, and still a bit crisp and chilly, even in the sun.  


"Yeah, I'm ok,"  he heard the boy say in his mind.  "Are you ok, Todd?"


"Yeah, I'm ok.  I'm ready to go, at least soon.  I have to get home."


Tom said, "To Blair.  Yep.  You better.  That baby's gonna be born soon!"


Todd replied, "I know.  My daughter.  My baby girl."  His eyes glistened, and he hugged himself in the cold air.


"Yeah, gee, you're gonna be a dad after all.  Wow."


"I know,"  he said, gazing off.  


"No, Todd."  Tom said, "I know what you are thinking.  You won't let Pete come out and hurt her.  You won't.  Ever."


Todd shook his head.  In his mind's eye, he ended the conversation with Tom by saying "Never."  He assured himself that Pete, who was standing silent in the background, would not be making appearances any time soon.  He was certain he could accomplish that himself, alone.  He had not heeded Lilly's suggestion to visit a psychiatric hospital.  He was sure that his journey through the pain of recovery and the emotional pain of discovery was enough to keep Pete at bay.  Besides, at this point, he KNEW Pete and Tom, knew how they were born, and believed he could control them now.


He looked across the countryside, from the landing of the place he had called home for months.  The rolling, green hills.  No wonder people called it "The Emerald Isle."  Everything was green, even in the cold weather, it seemed.  Trees, and bushes, and patches of grass were everywhere, every shade of green ever imagined.  In the far distance, sheep were in clusters around the bluff.  His eyes brimmed as he stood up.  He had to find a way to say goodbye to Ireland, Aman and Lilly once and for all.  He had to get home to Blair.


Even though, all these years later, he understood Blair and knew she really loved him, he could not forget that she forgot him  In her own way.  Yes, that was exactly what she did.  All the various times he had been separated from her, he never forgot her.  He made a decision.  He knew the truth, deep down, but he had to fight it.  She was his wife.  Always.  And, he was her husband.  That fact was probably more true than any other for both of them.  But, he would fight to the end to get his life back, and then make Blair realize that this time, both of them had to transcend the past and change, whatever was to come for them.