Todd Revisited: Real Family (Chapter 29)

He wasn't sure how long he stood there outside Viki's.  The memory of Blair, trailing off, lingered.  He wondered why he wasn't just grabbing her up in his arms and showing her the love he'd felt the whole time he was gone, but, some things could just not be explained.  Instead, his mind continued to review the events from his past.  Sometimes, he found himself regretting ever leaving Ireland.  That had happened throughout his return to the states, and the days following, throughout his hospitalization for a "breakdown" as he called it internally, and throughout his life with Blair, Starr and Jack, when he fought to keep his sanity, with her sometimes unwitting help.


If he had stayed dead, in Ireland, he'd have been fishing with Aman now, and Blair, as sad as it seemed, would have just lived off The Sun and raised Starr without him.  Tea would have never met him and dealt with his emotional fallout from finding he was a shattered abuse victim.  Jack wouldn't even "be."  And, somehow, he was heading toward that kind of thought now, as hard as he had fought to maintain himself, and as long as he struggled to keep his mind, he still thought back to Ireland and how the only real, true parents he had known had helped him through.  


Parents.  Peter, Victor, Bitsy, and now Irene.  The birth mother he always believed loved him enough to save him was also responsible for his torture, despair, and loss of precious time with his family.  His mother.  Could there be any saving grace in this life called Todd Manning?  That was it.  He was alone.  Totally alone, except for the other parts of him in his head.  Living with Viki, accepted by Starr, and sided-with by Blair, he was still alone.  He felt he always had been, save a few brief moments of warmth since he left The O'Farrells in Ireland.  



That evening, at dinner, Lilly and Aman O'Farrell went all out.  It was almost as if they sensed what Todd had to tell them.  There was Lilly's famous traditional Irish stew, soda bread, champ, rack of lamb, and a couple of things he was not even sure about.  Aman had just returned home from the day's work, and Lilly had been working all day to prepare this meal.  "Somethin' special," she said, "for you, lad, for how hard you worked to get yourself together and on the mend."


He hadn't had as many dreams to speak of since The Big Truth, as he called it.  Pete had not shown himself at all.  Tom was still there, and he carried on conversations with Tom all along the way, in his mind's eye, never aloud, so no one would be alerted.  The only dreams he had now were of Blair and his child, waiting for him.  Sometimes he dreamed of going home, seeing the penthouse, Blair, there, in a white nightgown, with the baby in her arms, also in white.  Other times, he dreamed of making love to her in their room by the tall windows with the moon coming in.  But, the dreams of Peter were gone, and though he was pretty certain it was not permanent, he felt a lightness in his heart that he remembered from before his trip to Ireland.  He had to let them know, these fine people who had become his family for the past months.  Here it was the beginning of Summer, and excluding a stop at a private Swiss hospital to be certain he was physically all right, he was going back, to her, to his life.


He bounded in when Lilly called "time to eat!" and threw himself over a chair.  They'd had him working in the yard, pulling up weeds, planting, things to bring him "closer to God and closer to health," Aman had said.  He felt stronger than he had, though he dealt with a great deal of pain, he was healing.  


"Lad, you run in here like a banshee, will ya slow down?  You're makin' it obvious how old we are!"  Lilly teased.


"Sorry, milady" he imitated her accent as usual, "just gettin' meself a seat!"


She playfully hit his arm, and started dishing out the meal.  He, of course, had gained back the notorious appetite and fed himself well.  Aman and Lilly would often laugh at his dinnertime antics.  


When he had finished and they had their fun, he stopped mid-smile and said, "O'Farrells, I have to tell you something."


Immediately, the smiles faded from their faces, both of them.  Aman, who had his doubts along the way, had come to love him like a son, and accept him as he was; Lilly, well, it went without saying.  He was her child in her heart.  He took a breath.  It was evident to them that whatever he was going to say was hard and was not going to be what they wanted to hear, though they knew it was right.


He tried, but winced.  He heard Tom in his head, "You gotta tell em!  The baby is probably almost here, if not born already.  She needs her Dad, Todd.  She needs you."


Aman spoke, "Son," and Todd did not cringe, nor did the name cause him pain anymore from Aman, "we know."


Lilly began to cry openly.  She shook her head.


Aman continued, "You have to go.  It's time, eh?"


Todd could barely speak.  He tried not to look at Lilly, but he knew she was falling apart, so without making eye contact, he took her hand gently and squeezed it.  He gained his presence of mind long enough to say, "Yes, Aman.  My little girl is almost here, if not already."  He pushed back tears and the leaving and the new life he was going to greet soon enough.


Lilly pulled herself together just enough to say, "We love you, lad."


He smiled, a single tear leaving his eye and running over cheek where his scar sat, constantly reminding.  He squeezed her hand a little tighter.    


She continued, "And we love Tom.  And we even love Pete.  We love all of you."


At this point, Todd, overwhelmed, put his head into his hands, and reaching as deep as possible, he fought the urge to break down himself.  He ran all ten of his fingers through his long, silky hair, moving it away from his face, twisted with emotion.  Lilly had kept it up beautifully for him when he was unable to move, and Aman had trimmed it and kept it from reaching his waist throughout his ordeal.  He looked at them, each in turn.  "We love you, too.  You've given me things I can't ever repay.  Ever.  I'd never have been able to go back to my wife," he needed to pause, "and my new child, if you didn't help me and make me whole."


Tears were streaming from all three of them now, and no one seemed to care.  Aman was the first to speak.  "When do you go, Lad?"


He was still holding Lilly's hand.  "Tomorrow.  Morning.  I just had a request of you both."  Lilly and Aman watched, anticipating.  "I just want to go, I want our goodbyes to be tonight.  I can't go through it twice.  I just want to leave in the morning, get checked out at that Swiss clinic, and go back to my world.  Can I have that?"


Lilly was beyond being composed.  Aman looked straight into Todd's hazel-green eyes and said, "Yes, Son, you can.  We'll oblige you."


And the rest of the evening, they spent talking over the times they had; reminiscing of the bad and good, making promises (and at least two were making prayers), saying things that had to be said, and making up the bed by the window for its last night, complete with a glass of milk and a plate of cookies for Tom.