Todd Revisited: Knowing (Chapter 27)

That night, he played the events of the day over and over.  He'd taken the gun, and vowed revenge.  But when he got there, he couldn't do it.  This was his brother, his twin.  He was part of him, no matter how much it all hurt and seemed so wrong.  And, Tea loved him.  He owed her that, at least.  He had left them to their private moment, removed the cartridge from the gun, and went back to Viki's, defeated but mildly proud that he hadn't given in to his demons and pulled the trigger.


Sleep, the elusive spirit he had chased for years.  The times he had slept best were over ten years ago, before he went missing, when he lived with Blair and his children at LaBoulaie.  He'd actually been able to calm everything inside him and rest.  When he was with Blair, nothing else seemed to plague him.  Throughout his life, they had gone forward and backward, over and over, and to most, it probably seemed strange or wrong, but to him, it was the very life he held inside him.  He could tell by their first conversation, though, at LaBoulaie, that she was not really accepting him.  Inside, he feared that she actually was better off without him in her world.  And this simple fact angered him more against his brother, so...he had taken the gun.  He wanted to believe he never would have used it.  But, he was not sure enough to fool himself into it.


Sleep, the elusive spirit.  It was a haunting thing, when he was alone.  When he was with her, he could do it, for a reason he couldn't quite grasp, but without her, in the past he was prone to waking hours, pacing, working nights and currently, just nightmares.  The worst dreams now were either of The Agency and the torture, losing Blair some horrific and gruesome way, or Peter and the Reaper.


The Reaper had not appeared in his dreams until much later in his life.  In fact, The Reaper had made its first appearance when he returned to Llanview before to take his life back.  In one vivid dream, he had pulled the robe off The Reaper to reveal himself.


Peter had begun appearing when he was in Ireland, another time after being separated from Blair.  Could it be that Blair was his stabilizing factor, to the point that he needed her to be sane?  Slowly, the nightmares changed and revealed themselves to be memories of his abuse.  That cloud of pain had been hanging over him so long.  Most days it was that he could conquer it alone, with hard work and a family.  Other days, he wished Ray Martino would walk in his house and sit with him for hours.


Now, the dreams were a remix of his whole collection; torture, The Reaper, Peter, sprinkled with Ireland, pain, recovery, losing Blair, losing his kids, and everything else that could be considered Hell was in his heart and head all night, every night.  Except when he was with her.  He would definitely have to look into that in the morning.  He turned over and invited sleep to her place in his tormented mind.


Things changed then.  On the 8th day, Todd woke up.  Lilly said, "You came back to us, lad," in a soft, tearful voice.  


Todd appeared more weary than before.  He looked at her, and weakly smiled.  "I guess so, Lilly."


"Do you remember . . ." She asked.  She didn't want to let him know that he had talked the whole dream scenario aloud, as if reliving it.  She knew what he had endured, she had pieced together his own words when he was "dreaming" it.  After her own good cry, she had come back ready to help him face himself.


He motioned her to be silent.  "I remember.  I remember everything, some of it makes sense to me now."  He turned away, covering his face with his hand.  His shoulders shook; she knew he was crying, but not sure what exactly to do.  But he knew she really couldn't help, except sit there and hear him.  He attempted to gain composure, while she put her hand on his shoulder, which almost made him weep more.


As he focused on getting his senses back in control, he remembered everything.  Like a flood over him, he remembered Blair, his wife, she was the blonde woman in the glen who he loved more than life, who was pregnant with his child when he left her to . . . help Marty.  Marty, who he had brutalized himself, as Pete, a few years before, when he lead a gang rape against her.  He winced.  He remembered Vicki, Ray, Rebecca, Powell, everything that had happened to him until this day.  The accident was foggy, but the shooting was clear as a bell.  He knew who he was.  He was Todd Manning.  But he also remembered Peter and what he had done to him as a young man to break him into bits.  Tears flowed and he could not seem to stop them.  Knowing, somehow, Lilly spoke.  "Maybe you don't need to stop them, lad."


He turned toward her and put his face onto her hand.  She gently wiped the tears away before more followed.


"I know who I am, Lilly."


"Yes, lad, I know."


He searched her face for some kind of guidance.  "I hurt people.  I hurt you."


"No, lad, you only did some nasty talkin'.  I've heard worse on HBO."  She smiled through her tears, but he couldn't.


"Lilly.  I did something.  I did something, something like what happened to me."  


Her chest tightened.  "All right, lad.  It's all right.  That's in the past.  It's over with now."


"No it's never over.  This will never be over."  He was so despairing she was frightened for a moment.  What if he tried to end his life?


"It IS over.  It's not happening now.  Look at me."  He obliged.  "It's not happening now.  None of it.  You're safe, that's all behind you."  She moved to sit on the bed next to him, taking his head into her lap.  "It's not happening now, do you know that?"


He sniffed.  "Yeah, I guess so.  It's not happening now," he repeated.


"No, it's not," she petted his head, his long hair streaming onto her apron.  "It happened a long time ago."


"I have to tell you.  I did terrible things.  You don't want to be near me."


"You are not getting me out of here, young man."


He stuttered, and after a great deal of hesitation; "I raped someone." 


She had the suspicion, since he had said he did terrible things, that it was not going to be easy.  But, she also knew why from his recent dreams.  "It's behind you.  And you know why it happened now, don't ya?"


"I don't know," he was shattered.


"Yes, you do.  You know why.  Do you remember Tom?"


"Yes.  I know Tom.  Now I do, I mean."


"Do you remember someone else?  A mad, angry young man?"


"Pete.  Yes, I remember him.  I know them.  I didn't before, but I do now.  They helped me cope with the truth, I guess, all this time.  They helped me hide it.  But it went all wrong.  When I got hurt, I did the things that were done to me.  Or I tried to."


"Yes, lad."  She still petted his hair.


"Blair," he said.  


"Who is she, lad?"


"She's my wife.  She's pregnant with my daughter."  He openly cried, not seeming to care to hold it together any longer.  Then, alarmed, "I wanted to rape her once, to punish her.  When she hurt me, I almost hurt her, too.  I just didn't know it was Pete.  And I never knew why."


"Well, now you do, don't ya?  And you can make sure that never happens again.  You can tell Pete to stay away, and you can love and take care of Tom.  You can make sure Pete doesn't do that again, now that you know.  You can try and understand him."


"I have to get home, Lilly.  I have to get back to her.  I love her so much."  He sighed, closing his eyes.  The tears ceased and he realized how tired he was.  "Lilly, I couldn't ask for a better mother than you.  You've been that and more," he said, as he drifted off.  


She looked to heaven and closed her eyes as well, squeezing a few last drops out of them.  Gently, she lifted his head from her lap and let him sleep.  He needed the rest.  She knew he still had a long road.