Diamond in the Rough: Chapter 60

The family filed into the room that Todd had reserved for Bitsy.  She had a private one, without a roommate.  It was airy and had a high ceiling, large windows, and a view of the lake.  He said, "Momma, this is your room."


She smiled weakly and went to the window and sat, staring out.


Blair said, softly to Todd, "Maybe she's having trouble adjusting to leaving St. Anne's."


Sister Rebecca Katherine rubbed Bitsy's shoulders a little, and handed her a pen and pad.  "In case ya want to tell us something, Dear Heart."


Bitsy held the paper and pen in her hand, tightly, and continued to look out the window.  The lake was covered in snow that appeared slightly gray because it was over water and ice.  The rest of the area was all white, pristine and shining.  


Sister Rebecca Katherine said, "Ray is here, Bea.  You were looking forward to seeing him.  And Todd."


She didn't move.  Instead, she slowly took the pen.  


Blair, who had her hand interwoven with Todd's, felt him tighten his grip slightly as the woman wrote.  


Bitsy handed the paper to the nun, who read it, and then, handed it to Blair, so she could read it as Todd did:


I know his name was Peter, you told me.  I keep remembering.  Todd was a little boy.  I stayed.  Why did I stay?  


Todd brought the paper down to his side, and Blair, feeling his hand tighten more, said, "I'm right with you.  You're not alone with any of this."


It didn't take long for any of them to realize that Bea was crying again.  Blair said, "Jack . . ." but before she finished, her son said, "I'm taking Ray up to visit his namesake, if he's free.  Otherwise, we'll take a walk."


As he went, Todd moved closer to his mother.  "Momma?"


She did not respond or look his way.


Sister Rebecca Katherine said, "Bea, can you look at Todd?"  Bitsy did not.  The nun said, "Can you look at me, Dear?"


She did.  The nun noticed how different her face was: more haggard, her eyes were deeply pained, she didn't flit in and out of smiles and want to draw.  She was sullen.  The sister recognized it:  guilt.


"Ya mustn't feel badly, Bea.  Ya did the best ya could."


The woman wrote:  He was a little boy.  He was my little boy.  God, Sister, please tell God to send the sparrows.  Please.


"Momma," Todd tried again.  "Momma, please look at me," he said moving to her.


The nun intentionally took herself out of Bitsy's view and moved to the back of the room where Blair was standing.


Bitsy slowly raised her eyes to Todd's.  He could see it on her face.  He said, "Momma, you have nothing to be ashamed of."


She reached her hand to his scar, and gently touched it.


He said, "Peter didn't scar me . . ." his voice caught, as he realized the irony of his statement, "I got this in an accident.  You shouldn't be ashamed of anything, Momma.  And you don't need the sparrows."


She moved faster this time, and took the pen.  Yes.  The sparrows.  I eat very little.  I can get lighter and go with them.


He said, "No, Momma, you have to stay with me.  I need you in my life.  I'll help you get well, and you can watch the kids grow up."


She wrote furiously, and pushed her note at him, as if interrupting.  He took it and read aloud, "You can come with me.  If enough sparrows come, you can come with me.  To God.  Wish for them, like me, Todd."


At that moment, he was so overcome, he lowered his head and struggled for strength.  The nun came to his rescue, approaching Bitsy again.  "Bea, Todd doesn't want ya to go with the sparrows.  And he doesn't want to go.  He wants to be here with Blair and his family, and he wants ya here with them all."


She shook her head "no."


Blair moved softly behind him.  She put her hand onto the back of his head, and he finally was able to raise his face back up and say, "Momma, Sister Rebecca Katherine is right.  I want you to be with us."


She wrote, less urgently this time:  I let him hurt you.  I wasn't strong enough to fight him off, not really.  He would hurt us both with his hands and his body and his belt.  You screamed and cried.  I hear it.  I hear it!


Todd, unsure of what to do, took her in his arms.  She cried silently, and he said, "Momma, no.  You tried.  Remember?"  As painful as it was, he continued, "You jumped on his back, and he threw you down and kicked you.  Another time, you poured the boiling water on him, remember?  He put me down and ran after you?  He'd beat you unconscious.  Or sometimes, he'd lock you in the basement.  You couldn't get to me.  You fought, Momma, and you tried."


Blair's heart was racing.  He'd never said a thing about these things, and it sounded as if there was a huge selection to choose from.  To her, it was as if he just remembered them, and she wondered if that were the case.  She looked at the nun, who was softly crying.  Blair, feeling desperation about losing her husband to other memories, began to wish in her heart for Jack to realize what they needed and come through.


***


"Hey, Ray, this is . . . well, Ray."  Jack said.


"We've met.  He's a cutie."


"Ray, I think they might need you upstairs.  Dad's looking bad, like he's ready to explode or puke.  Grandma Bitsy, I guess her name is, is talking about flying away with sparrows.  It was a weird scene."


Ray, careful not to show alarm, said, "Jack, take Ray around the outside a bit for a walk."


"I get it, just tell me to go away, don't sugarcoat it."


Ray put a hand on the boy's shoulder.  "You can't be there, Jack.  Not right now."


"I know.  I'm going.  Think I'll have Williams take me for a drive.  Maybe I'll bring Ray to Mickey D's, if I can remember where it is."


"Don't take the baby away from here, if that's all right, Jack.  Just stay put."


"All right," he agreed.  


***


Bitsy broke away from Todd's embrace, and all of them were crying as she wrote on her pad.  Blair took Todd's hand again, and as awkward as it was to hold it from the sitting position next to his mother, he was not letting go.  He didn't meet his wife's eyes, knowing he'd break down.  Instead, he watched his mother write and waited for her note.  


You tried, too.  You punched his legs and one time his back with your little hands.  You were too small.  Not like now.  I should have killed him.  He deserved to die.  He deserved to be hurt by The Evil One or be in The Jail.  But I was afraid.  I wasn't strong, like you are.  I didn't have anywhere to go.  I stayed, and I should have taken you away.  That is why I want the sparrows, Todd.  That is why.  I can hear everything in my head.  Everything.


He gulped, and pulling himself together, handed the note to Blair over his shoulder and said, "I can hear it, too.  I do . . . But I don't want the sparrows, Momma.  I don't want to go.  You can't go, either."


She tearfully nodded, and wrote,  I can.  I will.  I'm sorry.


She turned back to the window, and stared.  Todd felt something break inside him, and lowered his head until his forehead rested in his hand.  Blair, crouching in front of him, took a strand of his hair in her fingers, and waited for him to get the strength to look at her.  He whispered, "Babe, I can't . . ."


She knew that he needed to be out of that room, but she also didn't want to upset Bitsy, who was staring off into the countryside and slowly beginning to rock.  Sister Rebecca Katherine took Bitsy's hand, and Blair, realizing she had to preserve her husband's well being, just took the lead, walking to the door, and keeping a firm grip on his hand, hoping he would just follow her.  


He did.  


As they met the doorway, Ray Martino was there.  Blair said, "I've got him, but Bitsy," and Todd, unable to speak at the moment, handed Ray the notes she had given him.  Ray nodded and walked past them. In the hall, Blair spied a bench, and they went to it.  Todd, burying his face into his hands, felt her putting her chin on his shoulder and rubbing his back.  "It's all right, Todd.  She's going to get help here."


"God, Blair," he said, "What if they can't help her?"


She didn't know what to say.  She shushed him, and brushed his hair back.  After a few minutes, she said, "You did a brave thing in there, Todd."


"Brave, what was brave?  Losing it?"


"Talking to her about it.  Telling her the things she did to try and help you.  Listening to her guilt about not getting you out of there.  All the while, dealing with more of it.  That was brave, my love."


"I don't feel brave," he said.  "I feel . . ."


"What, Todd?"


"I feel like a little boy."


She hugged his shoulders and kissed his cheek.  "You're not.  But I know how you feel.  I've been there, too, with Momma."


He looked at her, suddenly realizing he had forgotten all about what she had dealt with concerning Addie, and he hugged her close.  "I'm sorry.  I have to get a grip."


"You're fine.  We've got this.  Together."


About thirty minutes later, Ray and Sister Rebecca Katherine came into the hallway, and walked to the couple.  Ray said, "Hey, Buddy, you all right?"


"Got my personal therapist right here," Todd said, covering Blair's hand with his.  Sister Rebecca Katherine looked pale, red-eyed and tired.


Ray said, "She's sedated.  She's on suicide watch, and she's very ill, Todd.  The combination of physical damage and mental illness is a tough one.  She'll require a strict drug protocol to even begin to heal her."


"Then, let's go."


"It's expensive, but I have a feeling that won't matter."


"No.  Any cost.  Whatever it takes."


"She's got a great deal of trauma, I'm not even sure where to begin.  But I'll take care of her, Todd.  You trust me to do that, don't you?"  Ray said, sounding as if there was a "but" coming.


"Yeah, Ray, I do."


"I just have to ask you . . . to hold off on visits for a while.  When she sees you, or the children, she is overcome with memories of the abuse of herself, and you, and in her confusion, she can't begin to decipher it, let alone deal with it."


He sighed.  "Okay.  How long?"


"I don't know, Todd.  You know I'll be in touch, and I'll let you know.  Todd, you're going to have to trust me with her."


His sigh was ragged and caught.  He said, "I do.  All right."  He stopped a moment, "Where's Jack?"


"In the car," Ray said.  "He came and got me, thought you all might use my help."


Blair looked to the ceiling, grateful.  Todd said, "We have to go.  I have to be home, see all my boys.  I have to be there, with my family."


She understood his need to be with them, and they hurried out to the car.  As they walked down the path, Blair, holding on his arm, careful not to slip, Jack peered out the window.  "About time!  Us teenagers and babies have things to do, people to see. . ."


"Hold your horses, Mister, or Christmas is off."  Todd surprised Blair when he shouted.


"Little Ray's pissed, Dad.  He heard that."


They opened the car door, and scrambled in.  Todd, surprised, was met with a hug from Jack.  "There.  I'm sorry.  Don't cancel Christmas.  I really want that car you're getting me," he said, and then ended the embrace.  Pulling back, he searched his father's face, and seeing the remnants of pain, he said, "Or the boat or the motorcycle."


Blair watched, as she unstrapped the baby and Todd put an arm around Jack, settling back in the seat. She handed Ray to him, and he held him on his knee, with his other arm.  "You pissed at me, Ray?"


The baby looked up, and shaking his little toy at Todd, he said, "Yah, yah, yah."


Jack laughed, "Epic!"


For a moment after this, Todd just sat, one arm around Jack and the baby on his knee.  Blair was sitting across from them, and his eyes were on hers.  He took his arm from around Jack for a moment, and took her hand.  "Your mother, Jack, is a goddess."


"Yeah, she's pretty cool."


"She's everything.  Remember that."

***


Sister Rebecca Katherine stayed behind, for a moment, with Ray and said, "Will Bea ever be all right, Dr. Martino?"


"I don't know for certain.  If you're asking me if there is hope, yes.  Always.  If you're asking me for a guarantee, I can't do that."  


"You're a very good therapist.  You almost made her see that she might want to send the sparrows away someday and stay with us."


"That's going to take a long time, and a great amount of work.  But she has to be lucid and connected to reality before I can get her healthy and stop the suicidal fantasies."


"No wonder Todd's come so far.  I'm thankful to ya."


"I can't take credit for that, Sister.  Todd's strength in this is something I don't quite understand."


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