The End of Blame: Chapter 27 (mild adult)

After reading through some of the journal, Todd closed it early.  He said, "I can't take much of this.  Brings up too much."


"All right," she said, taking the book from him.  "What can we do, or talk about?"


"I know what we can do, but heck, we've been at it like bunnies."


"That's okay.  No rules about that."  She traced her finger over his nose.


He said, "I lied to you about something."


She sighed.  "Now, what?"


"I didn't take the medicine."


"Todd!"


"I'm sorry, Blair.  I read the side effects, and I don't want them."


"What side effects?"


"Let's see nervousness, dizziness, weight loss, and my very favorite, erectile deficiency."


"Oh, that."


"Yeah, that."


"You have to take it, it might help."


"It might.  And what if it doesn't?  I lose my other source of forgetting, escaping.  It's not worth it to me."


She didn't argue, she just thought.  "You seem good, Todd.  I think taking Zeus off your guilt list has helped."


"The guy is happy, John's right.  Remember, he used to think I was so much stronger than he was, that I put my life together so well, while he was falling apart, and now, look at us.  Role reversal."


"You helped him get that life he's got.  Don't forget that."


"I guess I did, didn't I?"


"Yeah, see?  Todd Manning is not such a bad guy."


"Hmmm, maybe."  He said, peeking into her top, "But I can be a bad guy, as you know."


"I like that kind of bad," she said.  "Hot tub?"


"You know it."


"But not past 11:45, so hurry up, then."


***


John climbed into bed, but not before talking to Natalie one more time.  "You had to see it.  It was like someone took and lifted a three-hundred pound weight off his shoulders in front of me.  He was riddled with guilt.  The thing is, he still carries a lot with him, for other people he's wronged, and probably some he hasn't."


She said, "You're starting to understand my Uncle Todd.  I like that."


"I've never seen anything like it.  He's totally remorseful.  Nothing I thought he'd be like."


"Well, you're seeing it first hand.  He wasn't always this way, but he's come around to it.  His love for his wife and his kids have brought it out in him. Not to mention, the eight years he lost."


John still winced thinking of that.  He said, "There's more,  I'll tell you when I get home."


"Is that going to be soon?  Liam's forgetting how you look."


He smiled, "Yes, soon.  I promise that.  Things are looking up."


"I can see that.  You're relieved, like he is."


"No, not like he is.  It was like a layer of dead skin was peeling away.  I've never seen anything like it.  God, Nat, he's so in love with Blair."


"I know.  It's beautiful.  That's one thing about him that never changed.  Since I've known him, he made terrible mistakes trying to prove it to her, or trying to keep her, but he loved her more than he could handle sometimes."


That sounded perfectly accurate about Todd Manning.  "More than he could handle.  Makes sense.  He's starting to be able to handle it, though."


"Good.  They need each other.  Blair isn't perfect either, you know."


"I know she's not.  But, she deserves this with him."


***


Blair kissed along Todd's neck as he finished inside her, and cuddled close to him, his heaving chest pushing against hers gloriously.  The water in the hot tub was just right, and they floated together for a while.  His eyes were closed, but his arms were tight around her, so she knew he was awake.  She said, "I just thought of something.  Maybe unburdening yourself from some of this guilt is a good idea.  Anything you want to fess up to?"


He thought about it a moment, seriously considering what she said.  "You mean something you don't already know?"


"Yeah.  Something you hesitated to mention, or forgot about, or just kept from me, for whatever reason."


He thought longer.  "Yeah, there's something."


She said, "Do you want to tell me?"


"If you promise not to leave me, after you hear it.  And if you promise not to sugarcoat it."


"I promise both," she ran her hand over her heart, and girl-scout saluted.


"I killed someone."


"Suede?"


"No.  Someone else."


"Leona."


"No, someone you don't know about."


"Oh, that.  Guy Armitage."


He looked at her, as if she took the wind out of his sails.  "Yeah, him.  How did you know that?"


"I knew all along.  You were too consumed with hate and jealousy to admit it at the time."


"I didn't mean to.  I planted a bomb, for other stupid reasons, and he was on the ship.  I tried to get him off, but he didn't hear me.  I even ran back on the boat to save him, and I was too late.  He went to the hospital.  I hoped for him to die.  I even thought about..."


"Killing him off?"


"Yeah.  I did."


"Okay, but did you kill him off?"


"No, not exactly.  He saw me and got scared.  I think I might have caused his heart attack at the end.  I felt sick over it for a while.  It just added to my whole bitterness thing.  Made me worse to deal with."


"Are you sorry?"


"Heck, yeah.  I hated the guy, but I never meant for him to die."


"It was an accident.  You were totally screwed up, probably with PTSD back then when people were just starting to talk about it.  You'd just been shot in the back.  Just lost your family, you thought.  Lost your wife to the man you took bullets for, you thought.  You weren't a very nice guy then."


"I'm not one now."


"Whatever you say.  Anyway, I already knew you did that.  And I still loved you.  I knew it was eating you alive.  And I still loved you.  I figured that fake death of Patrick with 'Miss Marty Effing Saybrooke' looking on, screaming, was enough punishment for you.  Still hate that they let you believe you ruined her life not once, but twice."  He smiled.  He liked the snotty edge she had to her voice just then.  She continued, "That self-righteous bitch.  She milked what you did forever and a day.  Nice that she finally came around to forgiving you after you almost died time and time again."


"Meoooow!"  he said, "Claws in, Missy."


She smirked, arms folded over her chest.  "You'll always defend her.  I can accept that."


"I hurt her, the same evil and horrible way I was hurt.  No excuse for that."


Her voice changed, softened, "No, there isn't.  But she forgave you.  She actually did.  She even told you this, not three months ago.  Patrick forgave you for what you did to his precious little Margaret.  John is starting to forgive you, or at least see you for who you are.  Zeus never blamed you, and now he's free.  Come on, Todd.  What have you got to lose?  Can't you at least forgive yourself for something?  It would be a start.  Take a risk, my love.  Start small."


He tipped his head back, and smiled, "All right, you've got me there.  I forgive myself."


"For what?  And don't just say it just to say it.  You have to mean it, in here."  She pointed to his chest.


"I forgive myself for lying to you about Guy Armitage.  If I told you then, we would have been together sooner.  No Tea.  Big thing to forgive, I guess.  And I forgive myself for wanting him dead after the accident."


"That's not a bad place to start.  At all.  I think we're making progress.  Do you swear not to carry guilt for those two things?"


"Yeah, I promise."


"Okay, good," she kissed his nose, "It's 11:30.  Time to get out and get dressed for bed."


His face was uncertain, and he looked to her, like a little boy.  She said, "Time for bed.  And, we're going to sleep."


He followed her, and they dressed for bed, and she told him to leave his shirt off, and he did.  She gave him another massage with oil and then crept off him, lying beside him.  She looked at him, and he at her.  She said, "Hold me."


He came toward her to turn her and embrace her from behind, and she said, "Not that way,"  she opened her arms to him, "this way," and brought him to her bosom, his arms wrapped around her, but hers also around him, protectively.  "No one can hurt us, my love.  We're going to sleep now."  She began to sing.


She watched him, as his eyes fought closing, and his breathing slowed.  She finished her song, and struggled to remain awake well past his stillness.  After a good hour, she began to give in.  Todd, with all his baggage and luggage intact, was finally asleep.


She jerked awake and searched the dark for the clock.  Three in the morning.  She looked down, and he was there, soundly sleeping against her.  She smiled and drifted back off to rest.


The sound of the baby woke her.  Not wanting to disturb Todd, she stayed in her bed a few minutes, with him on top of her, cradled in her arms, as Ray cried.  She ran her hand gently over her husband's wounds and shuddered, remembering him burning himself just the night before.  More scars.  


Ray continued to cry, now four minutes, and she hoped that Sister Rebecca Katherine would do her usual.  Finally, she heard shuffling feet, and the baby's cries soon ceased.


She thanked God, and looked down.  Todd was still out cold, his breathing shallow but regular, a slight snore rippling out of his mouth.  Her eyes filled with tears.  Even one night of rest was welcome but she saw it as a beginning for him.  Possibly, he made a breakthrough.  As much as she'd like to blame the sex, the rub downs, the holding him, the idea of a routine, the singing, or the commands she barked, she knew it was much more than that.  It was the relief that Zeus' pain was not his burden, and that he was not the originator of Carlo's sick hatred.  Silently, she thanked John McBain for caring enough to uncover it.


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