The Shadows Fall: Chapter 31

On the drive to Mountainview, Todd told Jack, "I'm going to sign the papers for permission, and then, I need to see Ray myself for a bit, okay?"


"Sure."


"Things will be all right, Jack."


"I know, Dad.  It's you who doesn't."


"What do you mean?"


"You don't know things will be all right.  You kind of, well, you expect the worst all the time.  It's like, you can't just be happy."


That word again.  He wasn't even sure what it meant to be happy.  If he thought about it, he could think of times or events where he felt the way people described "happiness."  The Gold Balloon Wedding.  The day he first saw Starr.  Once, in the bedroom at La Boulaie when Blair had told him that what he was feeling was actually happiness.  Even parts of the day he married Blair just months before.  But when would it be all the time, without interruption?  He couldn't fathom that.  He couldn't imagine constant happiness.  It had never happened to him and for some reason, his happiness, if that is what it was, always became short-lived.  He looked back to his son.  "Are you shrinking me?"


Jack smiled, pushing back a strand of hair.  "No.  Just sayin'."  He put his earphones in and turned away.


Todd and Jack both turned to the windows, and looked out.  Todd ran his fingers through his hair, and then tucked it behind an ear.  He looked back to Jack, and watched his son, looking out the window.  He'd missed so much of his life.  "Jack?"


"Yeah," he said, pulling the earphones out.


"Do you know now how much I love you and your mother."


"Yeah, I know.  And Starr, and Hope and Sam."


"Are you sure you really know."


"Yeah, I'm sure, Dad, why?"


He sighed.  "I guess it's because when I was your age, I didn't have that.  I want to make sure you have what I didn't.  After the mistakes I've made, I just want to be sure you feel loved, Jack.  It's the most important thing."


"Well, I do," he stared into his father's eyes.


Todd kept his gaze.  "That's what I want for you.  It's not good growing up without it.  Your mother, she's all lovey to everyone, it's hard not to know how she feels."


"Yeah.  True."


"But I wanted to make sure that you know I'd lay my life down for yours any day of the week."


Jack thought.  He swallowed back the emotion that was caught in his throat.  "I do know.  I've seen it, like sometimes.  Like when I was at The Break Bar."


Todd thought back, it seemed years ago, and yet, it wasn't.  "Yeah, like that."


Jack smiled, and before putting his earphones back in, he said, "Badass."


Todd laughed quickly to himself, and turned back to the window.  Hugging himself across the chest as was customary, he sank back and rested his eyes for the remainder of the trip.


Upon arriving at Mountainview, they disembarked the limousine and walked the path to the front door.  The stately grounds of the place did not quite do justice to the inside.  A private facility, visiting Mountainview was like seeing an old Newport mansion:  high ceilings, pristine walls, high gloss wooden floors, ornate decor.  They entered the lobby, and signing in, heard a familiar voice behind them.  "Father and son team, eh?"  Ray said.


Todd turned and shook Ray's hand.  "Been a bit of a while, Doc."


"How's that baby doing?  Almost ready to make an appearance?"


"She's on her way, in a couple of months."


"She?  Hmm."  Ray said, beginning to walk and leading them to his office.


Jack spoke, "The two of them are always at this he and she stuff."


Ray answered, "You mean your parents?  At odds over something?  No..." his sarcasm was thick.  Todd let a small laugh escape.  


Jack said, "Dad came to sign the permission forms.  For the Zeus thing.  But he wants to talk to you, I think."


Ray made eye contact with Todd.  Reading him, he said, "All right, no problem.  Jack, I am going to send you into the yard.  Out in the back, they are having a barbecue for the visitors.  Lots of food."


"Cool,"  Jack made his way out of the office, and Todd sat in a chair.


"What ails you, Mr. Manning."


Todd fidgeted.  He almost didn't know where to begin.  He spat out, "I'm not a good father, Ray."


Ray stopped short.  "Come on, that's not something I've heard before.  I've talked to all of your kids except Sam, I've spoken to Blair.  Heck, Todd, even you have said it's your redeeming quality. Unless..."


"Unless what?"


"Unless you mean you're afraid you're not a good father.  Or that you won't be when you actually have to be there for the entire way?"


He swallowed.  "Maybe."


"Why?"


This stunned Todd; Ray of all people should know.  "You know, Ray."


"Tell me anyway."


"I...look at my role models.  Peter Manning.  Victor Lord."


"Okay, so you got cheated.  How does that make you a lost cause, Todd?  We've been here before."


"All right.  I was raped.  I was abused.  I was hated.  I don't know...I am not sure I know..."  he stopped, gathering his emotion tight like an elastic.  "I don't know if I know how to love them, Ray.  I mean love them, day in and day out, watch them grow every day, no breaks, no running off, no leaving them.  I don't know if I can love them in a way that means 'happy.'  I only know my way."  His voice broke.


"Love is love, Todd.  You know how to love them.  You don't really know how to love yourself, though.  How does Starr feel about this?"


"Shorty?"  he let the two tears just fall, quiet, one from each eye.  Not bothering to brush them away, he said,  "She just loves me like I am.  She always loved me, and just took to me, right away.  She's my little girl."  


Ray noted how Todd's tears were inconsequential to him at this point in his life; he just accepted them and let them fall.  "Okay, she knows you love her, right?"


"Yes.  And I asked Jack, today.  He said that he knows, too."


"Then you're halfway there, or more than half, possibly.  This fear comes from other things.  Like, somewhere else."


Todd thought, looking at his hands.  Standing, and shoving his hands into his front pockets, he said, "I'm not whole, Ray.  Yeah, I'm the closest I've been to it.  Sure, I am happier than I guess I've ever been.  When I'm with Blair, she completes me almost totally."  Pacing, "But it's like, a beautiful ceramic vase, broken into two big pieces.  And when you glue it back, it fits almost perfectly, but one half has a big missing chip that was shattered into dust, so you can't get it back.  It leaves a hole.  That's how it is with me when Blair's in my life."


"So even with her, you think can't put back the missing shatters."


"Yeah."  He sat back down, "I don't know if I ever can."


"What brought this on, Todd?"


"Jack.  His therapy is moving along light years faster than mine ever could have.  When he asked about Zeus..."


"You started to grapple with that guilt again."


"Yeah.  I guess that's it."


"Well,  have an idea.  We've been talking in our therapy, you and I, about this guilt over Zeus' downfall.  I've told you over and over that you have no way of knowing what Zeus' upbringing and life, outside of the time he interfaced with you, was like.  You can't assume that your brief encounter with him caused all of the damage to him that was done, bringing him to the point he's at now.  You're just not powerful enough.  No one man is."


"I hear you, but it's not working for me.  Not up here."  He tapped his temple.


"All right.  Then, tell him."


"Tell who?"


"Tell Zeus yourself.  Todd, remember way back, when you apologized to Marty for the first time, sincerely, how that felt?"


He closed his eyes.  I was a monster.  "Yeah, I remember.  It's not something I'd easily forget."


"Well, then, maybe this would be a good step for you."


He sat, silent, and thought about it, reticent.  He finally brushed a tear off his face.  "I'm not sure, Ray."


"I'll be right there with you, Todd.  And then, you'll probably feel a lot better about your son talking with him as well."


Todd sunk in the chair.  "All right."


"When?"  Ray asked, eager for Todd to get this next hurdle behind him.


"When?"


"Now?"


"Now?"  he stopped.  "All right, now."  Todd agreed, to Ray's surprise.  A few phone calls, and the door was soon opening, with Zeus peeking into the office.  He walked in, quiet, and sat across from Todd.


Ray said, "I know this is difficult.  But I've recommended to both of you that it happen."  


Todd hadn't even thought that Zeus would need to say anything to him, but now, it made sense.  Both were broken men, for different reasons.


Todd looked at the man who had taken his life.  So many emotions went through him.  A series of thoughts flooded his mind.  He slept with Blair.  He conned her into believing he was me.  He tricked Starr.  He messed with Marty's head and 'raped' her a second time.  He was cruel to my kids.  He pushed Starr down the stairs.  He beat up her boyfriend.  He took my life.  But, he didn't put me in that chair...


Ray remained silent, waiting.  Todd looked at Zeus again, only studying him a bit closer.  He was drawn, thin.  He looked as though he had lost 30 pounds since they last saw each other in Carlo's torture room.   His hands were shaking.  He was unshaven, his eyes were red, with large dark circles under them.  He also noticed the cuff scars and other newer, very fresh cuts on his arms.  Todd decided to speak first.  "Zeus.  How are you doing in here?"


Ray, careful not to attract attention to himself or his own reactions, leaned back delicately and sighed quietly.


Zeus spoke, "Not so good."


"I'm sorry for that.  Tea?"


"She's all right.  She moved just outside of town.  North of here.  She's pregnant."


Todd forced back emotion.  Steady, Manning.  "Congratulations, then, you're going to be a father, too."


The man did not respond, instead, he shifted in his chair, and his leg shook absently.


"I wanted to say that I can't forget the things you took from me, but I also can't ignore the part I played.  I'm sorry for mistreating you, back when I came home from Ireland.  I was a shattered man.  I'd lost it all.  I used you, and I am sorry."  His voice cracked. 


Zeus broke down into his hands.  Todd was stunned, and not sure what to do, he looked to Ray with tears in his eyes for guidance.  Ray said, "Zeus, it's all right.  Tell Todd and I why you're crying."


It took a while for the man to compose himself.  Finally, in the hush of the office and the patience of the men, he said, "You don't come here and apologize to me."


Todd didn't know what to say, so he said, "I just did."


"You can't."


"But I am."


Zeus' expression was one Todd would never forget.  It was a mixture of pain, emptiness, horror and childlike innocence.  He felt nauseous looking at him and turned his eyes away until the man spoke again.  "You can't.  I am the one who has to apologize to you.  I took your life.  I took your wife.  I hurt your...I hurt the people you love.  I killed someone.  If I wasn't weak, you could have been found.  I'm nothing..." he sobbed into his own hands, doubling over in the chair.


Todd sighed, and wiped tears onto his sleeve.  "Hey, listen.  I know who Carlo Hesser is."


Zeus sat up, quelled for a moment.  "Yeah?"


"Yeah.  I know what he's capable of.  You were a lost soul, and I preyed on that.  He did the same.  There is no way you could have prevented it, unless you didn't cross his path.  You were brainwashed, you were tortured, like me."


"You should kill me!"  He shouted.  "You should have killed me when you had a chance.  You could kill me now."


Todd gulped, looking to Ray.  Then he said, "No, I shouldn't have and wouldn't.  Then your child wouldn't have a father, Tea wouldn't have the man she loves, and Carlo would come out a winner.  And it would have destroyed me to take your life.  So, you're wrong."


Shaking all over, Todd could tell that Zeus could not hold together much longer.  He sat back, and breathed in deeply, audible to all in the room, before saying, "Zeus.  Look at me, will you?"


Finally, the man lifted his head and looked at Todd.  Todd could see the semblance of the magic-show-man, the sparkling blue eyes, the drifter who just wanted to go off to Bali and belong somewhere.  "I forgive you, for what you did.  I don't even blame you, so it's hard to forgive it."


Zeus collapsed into sobs, at which Ray gently walked to his side, and gave him a small injection.  Lifting the man by the shoulders, he directed him to the hall, where two orderlies were already waiting.  Before he walked off, Zeus found himself long enough to say, "Goodbye, Maestro."

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