Diamond in the Rough: Chapter 4

Cassie drank some of her tea and said, "I love this quiet time, just you and I Blair.  You always were a sister to me."

"I feel the same way.  So glad Todd brought you here for our renewal."

"Blair, a lot has happened, hasn't it?  I could almost see it on your face when we first got here the other day."

Blair sipped her tea, and then looked out the back doors of the house to the sprawling lawn.  It had only been a few days since the adoption, and the gazebo still had a few stray gold balloons attached.  "Yeah, you could say that."

"Do you want to tell me any of it?"

"I don't know.  Much of it is best left alone, Cassie.  Only some of it had lasting outcomes for us."

"Like?"

"Todd, for example.  He's still . . . let's say he's searching.  Trying to piece himself together.  He sees himself as incomplete unless he knows everything about his past, and while he tries to uncover it, it almost destroys him."

Cassie frowned.  "That's so . . . sad.  I don't know what else to call it."

"It is sad.  And I try to help him, to reach him, to hold him, and he says it's helping, but I'm scared I can't do enough.  I don't want him to lose himself.  Then, I won't have him.  It's purely selfish what I am feeling, I know, but he's . . . everything to me.  He, and the kids."

"I know you love him.  I suspect you always have."

"I know."  She stopped a moment.  "He's been through so much.  There's so much ugliness, and it's like he's trying not to drown in it.  In Greece, Jack went missing . . ."

"Jack went missing?"

"He went off with a girl."

"Oh," Cassie smiled, raising her eyebrows.

Blair continued, "In meeting her, things about her life and experiences jogged terrible memories for him. He remembered more about his childhood and none of it was good."

"I'm sorry.  What about you, Blair?"

She drank her tea, then said, "What do you mean?  I'm all right."

"Blair, your problems have always taken a second spot to Todd's.  What about you, what happened to you?  You lost another baby, didn't you?"

Blair took on a more defensive tone, "Yes, I lost another baby.  Todd had nothing to do with that."

"I know that, Honey.  I do.  But it has everything to do with you.  You lost another child.  It must have been terrible."

Blair misted over.  "It was.  He was my lifeline, Cassie.  As much as he was going through himself, he was my life line."

"I believe you."

"You know, I consider myself fortunate to have Starr, Jack and Ray and to have adopted Sam.  But something just . . . I don't think I've gotten over the fact that . . ."

"What is it, Honey?"  Cassie put her hand on Blair's hand.

"I can't have more children, Cassie," Blair said, and her face twisted partially from guilt that her cousin never had a natural child, and partly from her own unresolved pain.

"Oh, Blair, I didn't know."

"Yes," she said, her voice cracking.  Cassie, being the caretaker she was, got up and put her arms around her cousin. 

"Honey, I'm so sorry."

"I try and forget it," Blair said, softly weeping, "but on days like this, it just comes back.  I keep trying to be grateful for the children I do have and you know I love them all.  But Todd and I both wanted more, as many as we could manage.  And to have it just taken away. . .Oh I'm so selfish, you know what I mean, you more than anyone Cassie, and I'm sorry."

"It's all right, Blair," Cassie said, petting her.  "It's something that's not easy to get over, but I'm living proof that it does get easier to deal with over time."  She kissed the crown of Blair's head and hugged her one more time before returning to her chair.

"Anyway, I guess that's the long and short of it."  Blair said.  "He laid his life down for us, Cassie, over and over.  That's what pisses me off about Dorian most.  She refuses to see that he loves us."

"She'll see.  If I were you, I'd get her out of here though, before she gets too comfortable."

Blair rolled her eyes, "Yeah.  Really."

"Where is Todd right now?"

"He went to The Sun.  When you called, he figured he'd take advantage of the time and go in.  I adore him, Cassie."

"I know you do.  And you're fortunate to love someone that way, and have him love you so completely in return."

***

Later that evening, the house was quiet, and in the middle of the night, Dorian was awakened by crying in another room.  Concerned that Blair might be in trouble, she left the guest room, and headed into the hallway, positioning herself outside Todd and Blair's bedroom.  She could hear the goings on inside clearly, since they had left the door slightly ajar.  As her ears adjusted to the muted sounds, she recognized the panicked crying as Blair.

"Oh my God, the baby!  Someone's taken the baby!"  Blair cried.

Todd sat up immediately, and turned to her.  She was still asleep, dreaming, but crying out in her sleep.  "No, don't take the baby," she shrieked, and one of her hands was placed on her belly, as if she were pregnant.

Todd, seeing his wife in distress, said, softly, "Oh, Blair, been a while since this," and then gently lifted her to him in her sleep, just as she began to scream herself awake with calls to Sommer.   

"Nooooo Todd, don't let them take her!  Sommer!"  Blair cried, against him.

He shushed her quietly, and said, "Blair, wake up, Babe, you're dreaming.  It's a dream.  It's not happening now, Babe.  Come on, wake up.  It's all right."

Dorian moved to see through the open door, and watched him, cradling Blair as if she were a priceless jewel and soothing her to calm.  She heard him say, "It's over, now.  Just a dream."

Blair seemed to wake, and her sobs caught in her throat and she said, through tears, "Oh, Todd, it was so real.  I thought, it was like . . . when I had the dream before, when they cut Sommer out, remember?"

He closed his eyes, and fought to stay strong against her wails.  "I remember.  It was just a dream then, and it's just a dream now, Babe.  It's okay.  I'm here.  We're at home, Unforgettable.  Just us.  I've got you."  He heard himself talk, and thought immediately of his new affliction, and how he had done everything possible to keep its existence from her.

"Don't leave me."  Blair said.

"Never."

"It was so horrible, Todd, it was so horrible."

"I know.  It's all right now, though, see, just me," he pulled back from her, and pushed her hair aside and she looked into his face.  Dorian's own tear dropped as she saw Blair nod to him, like a child.  He said, "What brought this on?"

Blair, who was considerably calmer, though she was still crying, said, "I think today.  Cassie and I had tea.  Sommer came up, and the fact that . . . that I . . ."

"Shh.  Okay.  I get it.  Just come on, hang on to me, now.  It's all right."

"Oh, Todd," she said softly again as he held her.  "I want to have your baby inside me again, please God," and the last few words blended into desperate sobs.

Dorian could see through the door that Todd had her in his arms as if he were the strongest force there could be, as she crumpled against him, lost.  The older woman swallowed, as she heard the next exchange.  "I'm scared," Blair said, "and I'm cold.  I can't . . . I can't stop thinking of it.  It won't go away," she despaired.  Todd got off the bed, and went to the other side, lifting her like a princess in his arms, and brought her into the bathroom.  Dorian, taking a risk, pushed the door open wider, and continued to look and listen.  He had turned on the bath, and from what she could see, he was holding her on his lap as the bath ran.  

Todd lifted her nightgown over her head and gently placed her into the tub.  "Is that warmer?"

She was calmer.  "Yeah, a little bit."  She continued to cry.

He said, "I'll be right back, Babe, okay?"

"Okay," she sobbed, and Dorian could hear her continue.  Her niece was inconsolable, but she could tell why.  Whatever had caused her to lose Sommer also caused her to be infertile.  

Without warning, Todd pushed the door open and stepped into the hall. He said, "I knew you were out here, Dorian.  I hope you heard enough."

"Todd, I . . ."

"I've got her.  Trust me.  I know how to . . . we understand each other, Dorian.  She and I understand each other.  This has happened before, for both of us."

"She can't have another baby, can she?"

He looked back into the room.  He knew Blair was quiet, and he turned back to Dorian.  "No, she can't.  She was shot, and it took the baby and that from her."

Dorian started to cry, and Todd put his arm out, pulling her toward his shoulder for a moment.  "I have to go to her.  Please, Dorian, trust me.  I've got her, and she's all right."

Dorian stopped crying, pulled herself together, and said, "You do really love her," and walked off to her bedroom.

"Well, lady, for once you're right about me," he said and went back to his wife.

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