Diamond in the Rough: Chapter 9

"So you're getting these flashes.  Are they of memory?"  Ray asked, stationed at his desk, customarily.

"I guess.  I don't recognize anything about them.  So, I don't know."  Todd answered.  Ray's office hadn't changed, and somehow, he felt very relaxed and at peace sitting there opposite the therapist.

Ray said, "You want to tell me more?  Explain them?  What have you 'seen,' if you don't mind that word?"

Todd thought back.  He noticed that when he tried to access the flashes, his heart would race.  "My heart's going nuts."

"All right.  Take it slow.  If it gets too much, just stop."

"There's a lightbulb that is exposed, with one of those pull chains.  That one I see the most, for some reason."

"What else?"

"A sink.  It's porcelain, large, and it's stained."

"Stained how?"

"Maybe rust, coming out from the knobs.  Dark paneling.  Some kind of weird animal, in a corner, sort of. . . I don't know stuffed, maybe?  It has fur missing off its face.  There are chains,"  He gulped, and felt his neck.  "They hang down and they clang," he seemed entranced, "there are shackles . . ." he drifted off into quiet.

Ray, seeing his discomfort, said, "Some hickey you got there."

Todd absently took his hand away.  "Hickey?"

"Yeah.  Right there, next to where you were touching.  I get the feeling you weren't touching it, though?"

"No, I felt, strangled."

"Having trouble breathing?"

"Yeah," he broke out in a sweat.

Ray said, "But back to that hickey . . ." 

Todd laughed once, and smirked.  He found himself looking out the window, and remembered Blair, sucking on his neck while he pleasured her with his fingers in the tub, just hours before.  "I'm blessed, somehow."  There was a long pause.  "That's why I'm afraid, of what these mean."

"What do you mean, Todd?"

"What I . . . what I did.  Maybe I did something.  Bad.  To someone."

"How do you know you did something?  The flashes could be anything.  Memories, imaginings, things from books, movies, horror stories.  With your history, they're more likely about something that has been done to you, or that you've seen, than something you've done.  Your wording puzzles me.  What are you thinking?"

He didn't know how to say it.  He got up, went to the window, closed his eyes.  He opened them and said, "Maybe I . . . hurt someone."

"Todd, I know where this is going.  I'm not seeing a basis for it.  But go ahead, humor it.  It can't hurt here in this office.  You know that.  Confidentiality."

"Maybe I raped someone else.  I raped Carol, then Marty.  You even tried to get me to remember my fantasies as a teenager."

"Maybe.  But not likely.  I'll tell you why.  When did you say you started getting them?"

"In Ireland.  After we left Greece."

"After you remembered watching your mother and your father, that terrible memory you uncovered."

"Yeah.  Then."

"You'd rather blame it on yourself than face what it really is.  That's my guess.  But either way, we'll figure it out.  What does Blair say?"

"Blair?"  he gulped.

"You haven't told Blair?"

"No.  I . . . don't want to complicate things for her.  What if it's bad?  I don't want her to know.  I don't want her to have another thing to explain away to people where I am concerned.  I can't tell her until I know what it means.  If I've done something . . . or whatever . . ."

Ray leaned back in his chair.  "Todd, you're afraid to uncover it, whatever it is.  And it's likely related to the recent revelations.  My estimation is that you're going further back.  Possibly to when you were younger. . ."

The next thing he knew, he was staring up at Ray from the floor, and Ray was crouched beside him, gently shaking his arm.  "Hey, Todd, you all right?"

"What happened?"

"I don't know, you tell me.  What's the last thing you heard me say?"

"You said that I might be going back, to when I was younger."

"All right.  And then?"

"Black."

"Okay.  Come on, get yourself into the chair."  He helped Todd up, but Ray's face showed concern.  "There."

"You're worried.  Like, about me.  About whatever it is,"  Todd said.

"Yeah, I'll admit it.  For two reasons.  One is, you're ready to turn it into more crimes and add it to your list of offenses without knowing.  And two, you just blacked out when I said you might be regressing past your last memory."

Todd leaned over and put his head between his knees.  Ray was at his side, and said, "It's all right.  Take deeper breaths.  Remember.  Three large breaths, then remind yourself who you are, you know the drill."

Todd did what Ray instructed, and in a few moments, he sat up.  "What the fuck is wrong with me now?"

"It's easy this time.  You're avoiding the truth.  But it's not about you, as a man, or even a teen.  It's about you, as a little boy.  I could bet money on it."

"Want to?"

"Hmf, no, thanks Todd.  But I think holding back from Blair is wrong.  She could help, when you need it."

"I . . . I can't.  I don't even know what it means yet.  How can I tell her?  What if . . . just can't, Ray.  Not yet."

"You promised her, Buddy.  You might want to give her a heads up that something is coming, just in case you need her, or it comes out."

"Comes out?  What does that mean?"

"You won't be able to keep them down, Todd.  The memories, which I believe they are, will come back more and more until you let them out.  They are seeking release.  Eventually, they will make their way into consciousness for you and reveal themselves.  Blair will, no doubt, be part of that.  I just advise you to take steps to let her in on it."

Todd thought about Ray's words.  "You mean there's more shit in my life, and I'm going to remember, whether I like it or not?"

"That's my guess.  Your psyche wants to be free, Todd.  That's the good news.  It will be rough, but the outcome is healing."

He didn't respond.  Instead he sat, staring into the yard.  Then, "How much longer do we have today?"

"15 minutes."

"Help me."

"All right.  What do you want me to help you with?"

"Remembering.  Maybe one of the things.  I don't know.  How does this work?"

"You want to face it?"

"I don't know.  It's not that as much as I can't have anything just jump out at my wife and my kids like that.  I'm not taking any chances of losing any of them."

"How about the most prevalent one, the lightbulb?"

"Okay.  The lightbulb."  Todd agreed.

"Can you just see it in your mind, and tell me everything you can about it?"

He closed his eyes, and pictured the flash he had seen for weeks, and tried to hold it, still, in his mind's eye.  He opened his eyes and said, "I got it."

"What did you get?"

"I can't reach it.  The pull chain."

"All right.  We're making progress.  If you can't reach it, what does that mean?"

"I can't be a man."

"Likely not."

"I'm a child, right?"

"Probable."

He closed his eyes again, and sucked in a large amount of air before leaning forward and saying, "God."

"Todd?"

"Yeah.  I . . . don't want to do this."

"You don't have to."

"I don't . . . the bulb is in a basement."

"All right.  What basement?"

"A basement.  Peter's house, maybe.  Not sure.  I have to stop, I can't breathe."

"All right.  If that's what you need to feel better, then we stop.  Maybe next time, we'll get through more.  Remember, nothing you find is going to hurt you now.  Nothing can."

He nodded.  "I need to make an appointment for Jack, too.  It's about the Morasco thing.  He's still having guilt . . .other problems over it.  Concerned about him."  Todd moved himself away from the memories by changing the subject, and was still working on his breathing.

"Fine.  You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay.  Thanks."  

Ray handed him not one but two cards.  "One is for Jack, the other is for you, if that's all right.  I think you'll find this will all make sense and come to a stop if you do, Todd."

He nodded again.  "Thanks.  See you."  He made his way out to the limo, but couldn't shake the feeling in his chest.  "It's going to be a long week," he said, and got in.

***


"Oh, Sam!"  Blair crouched down, holding her arms open to him.  "I missed you!  How was your day at school?"

"It was good.  Some kid was chewing gum in class, like really loud.  He stuck it under the desk and he got sent home."

She looked up, and her older son, standing there, all almost six feet of him, smiled, "Hi."

She looked to Todd, who said, "Hey, Jack, things better today?"

"Are you feeling better today?" she asked, standing, and automatically putting a hand to Jack's forehead.  

"I guess."  Jack said.

He saw the looks exchanged between his mother and father, and a small bit of relief seeped into his bones.  Blair said, "Good, but a certainty would be better than a guess."  she directed her attention to her husband.  "And you, good session?"

"Good enough,"  Todd said.  Jack saw him meet her eyes and kiss her, softly.  He blushed and looked away for a moment.  Then, he said, "What's for dinner?"

"How about pizza?"  Todd said, scooping up Sam.

"Dad, throw me off the roof into the pool."

"No, Sam, that's not safe.  Don't even joke about that.  You're not to do that, ever!"  Blair said.

"I know, Mom."  Sam said, in a bossy tone.  

Blair giggled.  "All right, then,"  she looked at Jack's face as Todd brought Sam to the table and sat him down.  Her expression changed.  "Jack?"

"No, Mom, I'm not in trouble, or anything."

"Jack," she said, stepping forward and putting a hand on his cheek.  Her touch, and all that went with it, made his heart break thinking of what it might be like without her.  Even though they had held their share of arguments, he loved her so much it hurt in his chest to think of her gone.  "Jack, you would tell me if you were not all right?"

"Yeah.  I would tell you, Mom."  He said.  "Things are fine."

"This family is going to be all right, Jack.  Please trust me with this.  We will."

He smiled, and she moved her hand off his face, which for him, was a relief, because it made him want to be held by her as he cried, like when he was a small child.  He said, "Okay.  Good," and swallowed down the lump in his throat.  Shane doesn't have his mother anymore.  And I did that.

As they talked, Todd was already setting up the kitchen for the evening meal.  Baby Ray was in his high chair, and Sam was at the table, already having a fork in hand.  Todd saw this, and as Jack and Blair approached the table, he said, "Uh, Sam?  You have a bit of a wait."

"Oh, man!"

"Have some veggies before dinner,"  Blair said, putting a tray of leftover carrots and celery on the table.  Jack pulled out a plastic bin of dip and set it out as well.  Sam said, "I like carrots they are good for my eyes."

Jack said, "You're blind as a bat, you little runt," and threw a carrot at his brother's head.

Sam, wanting to outdo Jack, dipped his carrot in dip, and then pretended to be starting to eat it, before flinging it at Jack's face, where it hit, stuck a minute and then slipped off.  Sam laughed the way only children can, and it was contagious; Todd, Blair and Jack even laughed.  Jack got a napkin, and said, "I guess you showed me, huh, brother?"

"Don't underestimate the little guys."  Todd said.

The family continued the early evening with banter and talk of school.  Todd extracted two large frozen caterer-style pizzas and put them on a tray, and they all sat around waiting for them to bake and bubble to perfection.  Blair was crunching celery, when the doorbell rang, and she made her way to the foyer to get it.

Timothy was there, and he looked upset.  He walked past her into the kitchen and she followed.  "Mannings, I've got a problem."

"What is it?"  Todd said, secretly hoping there wouldn't be another one thrown at them.  Not now. 

"I have a date.  She said 'yes,' and now I have the dilemma of a lifetime."

Blair said, "My Aunt Dorian said 'yes' to a date with you?"

He nodded.  Todd asked, "What's the dilemma of a lifetime?  How to get out of it?"  Blair elbowed him and Jack spit out a bit of his soda.

"No, no, not that, Son.  What in The Blazes will I wear?"

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Your comments are 'payment' for the work of the authors. Our writers like to hear your feedback. Please leave a comment when you read.