The Fourth Life: Chapter 4

Jack knew he would have a hard time not running to his father when the door opened to his office at The Sun.  He wanted to be cool about it, but he missed him, and for a reason he could not quite explain, he was having a great deal of trouble being away from him.  Maybe what Shaun said was true; he was stressed out by everything that happened.  He was going to play it off, as always, like it didn't mean much, when he saw his father sitting behind his desk, working, with his mother beside him.


Shaun said, "Todd, someone here to see you and Blair."


Todd stood up and Blair, surprised, followed suit.  "Jack?  Why aren't you at school?"  Blair said.


Todd looked at his son's face, and immediately read him.  He's so like me, I can almost tell what he's thinking.  He crossed the room and took Jack into his arms and hugged him close, patting his back like the tough guys,and then turning him loose.  Jack almost wished he had not let go.  


Blair was stunned, watching Todd's actions, and Jack's response.  She knew something was between them that she was not quite in tune with.  "Are you all right, Jack?"  She asked.


Shaun said, "Tell them."


Jack fumbled, and then said, "I was ditching."


Todd said nothing, he just listened and watched his son.  Blair said, "Jack, why?  You know you're not supposed to do that.  You got in trouble for it before."


Jack looked down, and then to his father, who made no comment or facial expression.  He just stood, with his arms folded over his chest, and leaned on the edge of the desk, listening.  He didn't seem mad, just interested.  "I...I don't know why."


Todd finally spoke, calmly, "Yes, you do."


Jack looked at his feet.  Then he looked back to Todd.  "I don't."


Todd repeated, calmly, "Yes, you do, Son.  You need to tell us.  You need to tell us the truth."  


Shaun, who was standing by, started to speak when Todd said, "And no, Shaun, with all due respect, he needs to tell us."


Jack didn't know what to do; his eyes were stinging.  Shaun said, "Do you want me to leave, Jack?"


Todd answered for him, "I think it's best."


Shaun said, "Understood.  I'll be outside the door for the next stop."  He exited.


Todd said, "So, why are you ditching?  We had this talk before.  You can tell us about it.  You can tell us anything."


Jack suddenly felt like a little boy who just wanted to be held.  He bucked up, and said, "I...I wanted to.  I wanted to because I was tired.  I was up a lot last night."


Todd read his son immediately.  "I woke you, didn't I?"


Jack didn't answer.  He felt shame and guilt for hearing what he did, for not going back to bed, for waiting until they fell asleep.  Blair just watched.  She knew that Todd and Jack shared something deeper than she imagined they could, and she let it unfold in front of her.  Todd, her man, was masterful with his children, and though her son's turmoil did not please her, she enjoyed seeing Todd love his children.


Todd said, "I kept you awake.  I'll have to be more careful."


"You can't.  How is this your fault?"  Jack finally said.


"I don't know, you tell me."


"I heard you."


Todd's demeanor changed, "And I'm sorry."


"How can you be sorry for that?  You had a nightmare."


"I am sorry you heard me.  I'm not sorry for having it, there's no way I could control that."


"I heard you, I got scared.  It made me sick.  I didn't know what to do, so I listened.  I shouldn't have, but I did."


"No, you probably shouldn't have.  But, it's okay.  There's nothing that I wouldn't have told you if you asked me."


"It made me so sick, I couldn't move from the hallway.  I lied.  I wanted a drink, that's why I skipped.  I was trying to get some, anywhere,"  he fell apart.


Todd, reached out one hand and pulled Jack in.  Blair, took a tissue off Todd's desk and dabbed at her eyes.


Todd said, "Easy, now," he patted his son's back.  "It sucks what happened to me, I know it better than anyone.  But you can't take that on.  And, you can't drink to make it disappear.  I know, believe me."


"I can't stop thinking about it!"  Jack was angry.  "It's everywhere, it's in everything I do.  I can't get it out of my mind."


Blair was crying, watching her husband comfort her son.  Jack was in so much pain, just for his father's suffering.  Her fears about them never being able to bridge the gap were long gone.


"I can't either.  But it wasn't you, Son.  It was me.  You shouldn't be carrying this around.  You have to see Ray."


"I know, I'm already going."


"That's good.  It sounds like PTSD."


"That's what Shaun said."  After keeping a lid on his emotions for most of the talk, he burst out into tears.  "Dad, why did it happen?"  Jack, who rarely showed his emotions was crying, his tears running over his cheeks and onto his chin and shirt.  Blair somehow saw it as an accomplishment.


"I don't know," he said, tenderly.  "But it did, and it's over."


"It's over but...are you going to be all right?"


"Yes, I am going to be all right."


At the same time, Blair said, "Of course he is, Son."


He sighed and his body seemed to let go, almost crumpling.  Todd took him back onto his shoulder with one arm, and said, "I'm sorry, Jack, that you heard all that.  It's going to take time for me to get over it, it won't just go away.  Now, get yourself together, you're going to Ray's."  He looked at Blair over the boy's shoulder, and connected eyes with his wife, who took his hand behind Jack and held it.


***


Ray was at his desk, reading through some files, when Jack arrived.  Jack knocked on the door, and waited.  "Come in,"  Ray said.


"Hey, Ray." 


Ray was taken a bit aback by the appearance of Jack.  His eyes were red and he had clearly been crying.  "Hey, buddy, what's up?"


"Nothing good, I guess," he sniffled.  


"Well, you're here."


"The things that happened to my Dad.  I heard a lot of it.  He woke up screaming last night.  I listened in.  I guess I shouldn't have, because I can't get any of it out of my head."


"You want to tell me what you heard?"


"About a rectangle, that I don't get.  But just the fact that I don't get it, makes me scared more."


"That makes sense, sort of the unknown?"


"Yeah.  I'm...I'm really scared about something."


"What are you scared of, Jack?"


"I get scared that he will crack up, or he will go insane and leave us.  It just seems like too much to deal with."


"I can see that.  But your father is very strong, Jack.  He's the strongest man I've ever met, and I am being truthful.  It's hard to see someone that strong unable to be strong.  Right?"


"It bothers me, so much.  I couldn't stand it.  I thought I was going to throw up."


Ray was concerned as to what Jack heard.  He would have to find out from Todd later.  "Anything else?"


"I think I know something."


"All right, what do you think you know?"


Jack was fidgeting.  "I can't say it, I don't think I can say it."


"All right.  Do you want to write it down to me?"


"I don't think I can write it.  It something really bad."


"What can I do for you?  To help?"


"I don't know."  He covered his face with his hand and Ray could see he was highly distraught.


Ray said, "What if what you are afraid to say is not true?  What if you've convinced yourself of something that is not real, and you're causing yourself this havoc for no reason?"


Jack just listened.  Ray could see him squeezing his eyes closed, as if to shut something out.  


Ray continued, "And what if you are right?  What does that mean?  Your father will handle it.  I've never felt in my work with him that he would not make it through something."


"I can't do it.  It's always there."


"I understand.  But it's always there because you allow it to be.  You can stop the thoughts, unless you're experiencing some sort of response to trauma, which is entirely possible.  You've been through a lot.  PTSD is not out of the question.  I do have an idea, though."


He stifled his crying for a moment, and asked, "What?"


"You could ask your father, right out?"


"No, I can't.  I can't say it.  I think I'm right but I can't say it to him.  I just can't."


"All right, then don't.  Why don't we work on how we can get you past these things?"


"I want to drink.  When I drink, my mind goes blank and I pass out.  I don't have to deal with any of it."


"Not the best idea."


"I know, but I just need something."


"Jack, I have to ask you if you feel like you might hurt yourself."


"No.  I'd never do that.  Think what it would do to him?  To Mom?  To Starr and Sam?  Never.  I couldn't and besides, I like living."


Ray laughed a single laugh.  "You sound like your father.  He'd say the same thing, and probably has."


"I'm scared that bad things will happen to me, to pay me back for what I've done."


"Now that makes sense to me, Jack.  But it's not how things work."


"For Dad it does, why not for me?  I heard him tell Mom that he thinks he deserved all that stuff."


"Well, he's wrong.  No one deserves something like what he got.  Especially not you.  You're a kid, you have made mistakes."


"Big ones."


"And so has he.  But anything that he went through is not because he's a bad person, it just happened."


"Maybe."


"I need to call your parents, because I am going to give you a little medication to help you sleep. Just until we can get you through this."


He looked at Ray, quizzically.  "Will we get through it, really?"


"Yeah.  That's the whole point.  What else can I do for you, today I mean?"


"Nothing.  I feel better, kind of."


"All right.  I'll call your parents in a bit.  I'm sorry about this, but I have another client."


"No, it's okay, I think it's enough for today, I'm so tired."


"Emotions can make you tired.  You should go home and get rest."


"All right," he said, and he opened the door to none other than Zeus.

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