The Fourth Life: Chapter 9

Jack walked into Shaun's apartment, next door to the penthouse, and threw himself onto the chair.  "Yo, Shaun, you here?"


He did not get an answer, and pulled out his Ipod.  Realizing he left the earphones back in his room, he tossed it onto the couch next to him, and folded his arms.  "Shaun?  You here?"


Again, he got no response.  He got up, and walked around the room.  It was similar in structure to their penthouse, except that his mother and father had decorated it much more richly.  Shaun's looked like a typical bachelor pad: kind of messy, lots of guy stuff, electronics, music.  He walked to the fireplace area, and next to it was a small table with different glasses all over it.  There was an ice bucket, empty.  And, there was a small bottle of Patron.  He looked around quickly, and took it, putting it into his pants pocket, and then seeing that it stuck out of the top of the pocket, he took it back out, and tried to hide it inside his shirt as he turned to go.  From behind him, he heard, "Not so fast."


***


"What is it, Todd.  Tell me?"


He faltered.  "I keep thinking...I keep thinking of killing him.  With my hands.  With a gun.  With a car, a knife, poison.  It's in my mind all the time."


"I think it makes perfect sense, Todd.  He took you, and he put you into bonds for eight years of your life.  As bad as Leona was, it wasn't ever his idea."


Todd stood up, taking her hands and helping her to her feet as well.  She saw him hug himself, across the chest.  He said, "He was sick, Blair.  He was so very sick.  Carlo used him, and used his sickness to get to me.  That egomaniac probably didn't even realize what Michael Leona's secrets were when he hired him for the job."


"Todd, you sound like you, I don't know, understand The Slice and Dice."


"As sick as it is, I think I do, on some level.  He couldn't help himself.  Like Peter."  Like me, sometimes.


She swallowed.  "Todd, I've given you a lot of space, and stood by you, all through this whole ordeal.  I know it's more painful than I can even imagine, what you've been through.  But have you thought that saying it all and putting it out there, into the world, with your own words, might somehow free you?  You've got it all trapped in there."


He turned away, leaning on the desk again for support.  He knew she was right, but....


She continued, "You never told me what happened, when you killed him.  Have you told anyone?  Have you been able to at least talk to Ray?"


He shook his head no.  He didn't turn to her.  She knew that he couldn't look at her and talk about any of it.


She went on, "What if I told you that I already know?  What if I said it for you?  I've known since before you were taken to Ireland.  I thought about this from when you first returned to us, and you talked about what happened, and slowly revealed some of it.  I've always wondered, feared, and then suspected.  What if I said it for you, and you didn't have to?"


He couldn't answer her.  He just stood, as if frozen.  She approached him, hugging him from the back, her arms crossing his  chest and her head resting on his shoulder.  "Nothing will change who you are to me, Todd.  Nothing can.  You are my hero, my everything."


He found himself filling up again, and fought to remain in control.


She said, "Let me be strong for you.  Though I can't know how it is, I do know what it is you're feeling.  I know where this all leads.  You do, too.  You told me that when you killed him, you didn't have a choice, that he was so sick, you knew it was the only way, that it was him or you.  And, you told me that you remembered everything, all of it.  You keep comparing him to Peter."


He said, softly, "No, Blair."


She disobeyed.  "Yes, Todd.  You deserve to let this go and be free of it.  Until you say it, face it, admit it all, how can you get past it?"


He said nothing, just closed his eyes and waited.  His throat felt closed; panic was in his chest.  He grabbed one of her hands, still across his chest.  He said, in a soft tone, "Not now.  Not now, Blair.  Please."  His last word was so pitiful and broken, she paused.


She stopped, thinking.  She knew how vulnerable he was, how fragile, in some ways, he had been since his brush with death in Ireland.  She knew also how the rage was overtaking him.  She ventured carefully, but decided to leave the largest piece for another time.  She gave him respite.  "I know, Todd.  I know, exactly what happened.  If you can't say it, just ask me, and I will," she turned him to her.  He did not meet her gaze at first, and instead, kept his eyes closed, and then slowly opened them.  Hers were staring right into his even before his rested on the emerald greenness of hers.  


"I'll tell you, or I'll ask you, I promise.  I just...I can't Blair, not today.  Not yet."


She pulled him close.  "I'm so sorry," she said, quietly, and resolute.


He gulped, "I love you, Babe.  Every day I was in that cave, I thanked someone-up-there for you. The day's almost over, let's go on home."


***


Jack knew Shaun's voice, and he stopped in his tracks.  "So what, you caught me."


"So what?"  Shaun boomed, and Jack, somewhat scared, turned to face him.  Shaun was in a towel, standing there partially wet.  "So what?  I ought to take you outside and beat your ass for stealing."


"Stealing?  My father basically OWNS you.  I could buy ten of these with my allowance, if I was old enough."


A voice said from the door, "Jack Manning?"


Jack turned to see Todd standing there.


***


Blair tossed her shoes off her feet without bending, and after putting Ray into his crib, crashed on their bed.  Within a few minutes, without provocation, she broke into sobs.  She thought of how Todd had protected her so much through their lives:  defending her against Max, sticking up for her honor with Asa, even lying for her and offering to go to jail for her, and of course, giving his freedom up again and willingly going back into torment to protect her and the baby.  She wondered if he ever would be free of his past, and if he ever would heal.  


This time, she was having more doubts; he was not as strong and confident against his pain.  She knew this was because he didn't have knowledge of it the first time.  His being in his 'safe place' was truly a safe place.  He had been able to survive with those truths hidden.  She also wondered if he remembered on his own, if Leona told him, or if it happened again.  Whatever it was, she was certain; he had been raped in captivity, as part of the recreating of the abuse he suffered as a child, and also, as part of Leona's sickness.


She turned over, trying to fight the nausea she felt.  He'd just about told her, with the way he had been acting and the things he had said.  Now that he remembered this, he had a new trauma to recover from, and she wished it all would stop, and knew it wouldn't, not for a while.  She also knew Jack would continue to be affected by it, and so would the rest of the family.  


She looked at the clock, a small, glowing electronic wonder that showed the time and date in purple LED light that fluctuated through the colors of the rainbow.  The date stood out to her; she hadn't realized how fast time had passed.  In a few days, she and Todd would be married one year.  She almost laughed bitterly, because they had been together much longer than this, and he had never stopped referring to her as his wife, even when he was married to Tea.  She closed her eyes, "Blair, he has loved you since the start, and sometimes, you just threw it away," she said.  "all that wasted time."


She wanted to move on from the pain and find something beautiful to focus on.  Rising off the bed, she went to her baby's crib, and put her hand on his belly and felt him breathing.


***


"Dad."


"Yeah, it's me.  I own Shaun?  People don't own each other, Jack, not in today's world.  Apologize to him, now.  He's been more of a father to you than I have over the last eight years."


Shaun interrupted, "I don't want his apology, Todd, unless he actually means it.  And, unless he gets into some kind of help."


Todd was puzzled at first, then saw the bulge in Jack's shirt.  Reaching out, he grabbed it, but noticed, that when he reached toward his son, he flinched.


Todd took the bottle, and then put one hand on Jack's shoulder.  "Son," he said, "I won't hit you.  I'd never hurt you."  Shaun went back upstairs, to change.


Jack's face twisted with confusion and pain.  "I'm scared, Dad.  I don't know who I am.  I don't know how to . . .feel safe."


Todd thought how ironic it was that he felt exactly the same way.  But, he said, "You are safe.  I'll never let anything happen to you."  He grabbed him and pulled him in, prevailing.  Jack, who was slow to respond, relaxed into his father's arms, and finally raised his own, sighing out, and held on.


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