The Fourth Life: Chapter 7

Mountainview had not changed since his last visit, though it felt like years.  Bringing himself back there was like revisiting an old place that you can't bear being near but are drawn to.  It reminded him how far he had come, as well as how low he was sinking.


Todd had Williams drop him a few blocks away.  It was a beautiful autumn day, the kind that reminded him of his last wedding day.  It was almost a year ago, now, and the weather, trees and air quality mocked the day of their nuptials precisely.  He smiled, in spite of everything, admitting to himself how far away that day seemed, with all that had happened.  They'd had a new baby, they'd been through Hell in Ireland, they'd seen their eldest son slowly fall apart.


Todd kept his pace, and felt invigorated by the pure air and the sunlight, and the thought of Blair, in her vintage gown, wasn't hurting either.  He didn't want his mind to go where it usually did: to Michael Leona, the rock cage, and Ireland.  Rounding a corner, he made his way up the stone path to the oversized white doors, and entered.  It smelled the same, but instead of making him feel apprehensive, it somehow calmed him.  "Ray Martino.  I have an appointment."


After being nodded on and signing in, he made his way to Ray's office, and gently knocked.  Ray was up, and at the door, waiting to greet him.  "Hey!" Ray said, and, to his surprise, actually embraced him.  "I'm glad you're here, Todd.  It means you made it through this last ordeal."


"I did.  You didn't expect I'd die and let you off the hook, did you?"


"No, I guess not."  He sat down, and his face took on a different look.  "Jack's been here, I'm sure you know that."


"Yeah, I do.  Poor kid, he's struggling.  I have to do something.  This is the start of it, I guess."


"He told me some of what's going on.  Todd, he knows a great deal about your torment.  It's greatly affecting him."


"I know.  Believe it or not, he's one teenager who tells us a lot of what he's thinking.  Unusual, but then look at who his parents are."


Ray let out a small laugh.  Todd was down, but he was never fully out.  "Well, you've also made him strong, because, look at you."


"I don't feel so strong right now.  Last night, I had another nightmare.  It made me wake up physically sick.  I woke Jack, disturbed Blair, again.  She fell asleep holding me, and consoling me.  I am supposed to protect her."


"That's what couples do, Todd.  They help each other.  She wants to be there for you, I am one hundred percent sure about that."


"She does, but I can't bear the pity anymore, or the sad way she looks at me.  And, I can't just move forward because something up here," he pointed to his head, "is holding me hostage."


"Then escape."  Ray said.


Todd was silenced.  He never thought of it in those terms.  "How would I do that?"


"Let go of it.  Face it, head on, like you've done everything else.  Remember dealing with the memories of what your father did to you?  Remember dealing with the PTSD from the eight years you were gone?  Face it.  No other way. I'm here to help you do that, Todd.  And it doesn't mean you have to come clean about everything to Blair and the kids, right away, or at all.  She'll understand.  And to be honest, the kids would do much better without any more detail."


He thought about what Ray said, and answered, "It's that simple, then?"


"In my estimation, it is, but doing it is much harder than me saying it to you."


"I don't know where to start."


"That's easy.  Start with the beginning, the day you were abducted.  Move slow into it, and little by little, we'll piece you back together, Todd.  I know I'll have success with you, because, frankly, I've never met a person in my time as a therapist who has faced the things you have and come out even partially whole."


***


The doorbell rang, and Blair, getting herself ready for work after Todd's return from Mountainview, raced to it, fastening an earring.  She opened the door to see a familiar face.  "Hello, my dearie, it's been quite some time.  Feels like years!"  Sister Rebecca Katherine said, embracing her.  


"Hello, Sister.  It's so good to see you, please come in."  The nun was carrying a few toys and other items that she brought for the boys.  Blair said, "I've told you so many times not to buy things for the boys.  You are on a fixed income."


"Yes but they're the closest thing I have to grandbabies.  Who else can I lavish a few trinkets on?"


"Well, we do appreciate it, but you should cut down.  Honestly.  They have so much already."


"I realize but sometimes I just can't help it!"


"Thank you, Sister.  I'll have Todd make a sizeable donation to St. Anne's.  He should, anyway.  Charity."


"Well, thank ya.  That's nice of ya.  I just wanted to see how everyone is doing.  I know it's school time, but by any chance, is the wee one awake?  He's a darling angel."


"He's asleep, but you can just wait with me and chat, while he naps.  Todd should be back soon, as well."


"A cloud passed your face when you said that, dear."


"He's going through...he's dealing with a lot."


"I can imagine, though I can't, not really.  Is he troubled?"


"Very," her face became saddened.  "He's remembering everything, from the whole eight years, all the missing stuff.  He's trying to face it.  I think it's overwhelming."


"It would be, yes.  Have you tried prayer?"


"I can't get Todd to pray, I hardly believe it myself, though I should say that since meeting you, I've  done it a bit more, and thought more about God and what He thinks about things.  I don't think it will bring Todd peace, since he doesn't have faith in it."


"Perhaps.  I may have to have a talk with him."


She smiled, "I am sure he would welcome it, whether or not he listens."


"Perhaps I'll get the chance shortly," she said, as Blair's phone rang.


"Hello?  Yes.  Yes, this is.  Are you certain?  All of his classes?  My goodness, yes, we'll come in for a conference.  Yes, that's fine."  She scribbled on a pad, and said, "Thank you for calling."  She hung up, looking at Sister Rebecca Katherine.  "It was Jack's school.  He's failing almost every class."


"My goodness, this has proven to be quite an upsetting time for the lad.  You must not be so hard on him, or yourselves.  His lifetime hero is...hurting.  He is most likely afraid, to see the strongest man he knows is not infallible."


"Todd said the same thing."


"A perceptive man.  He and that boy, very connected.  I can tell.  I think everyone can."


"I know, sometimes I just sit and watch him interact with the boys, or Starr.  He's got magic with them, somehow."


"He understands children.  He was brutalized as a child, you said."


"Yes."


"And as a man.  He must be hurting deep inside himself."


Blair didn't want to think about how much pain he was in. She loved him, so totally and completely, that it broke her inside whenever he woke in terror or broke down.  "It's been hard.  He's suffering.  He's suffering so much."  Her voice caught in her throat.


"There, there, dear.  He will be all right, he's tough as nails, that one.  He'll come through."


"Now, what do I do with this school news?  We have to go and meet with the teachers."


"Then you do, and then you try and help the best you can.  He sees a therapist, ay?"


"Yes."


"You're doing whatever you can, dear."


Blair looked at the nun, and her face was flushed, her eyes misty.  "I can't help either of them."


"Ya can, and ya are."


"I don't know what to do, Sister."


"Love them," she said.  "Love them fully and completely."


***


Todd, still in Ray's office, was doused in sweat, felt nervous and jittery, and was hoarse from tears and angry outbursts.  He had spent the last fifty-minute session recounting how, in Ireland, he had come upon the traumatic memories from the eight-year captivity.


Ray said, "I know you're tired, and it's hard work."


"I don't think I'm close to being done.  There's so much there.  And, there's the time in the rock cage.  I'm still in the room, with the sun shining in."


"The rock cage was more recent."


"Yeah, that was toward the end of the kidnapping just a month ago.  When I took the bastard out."


"Any guilt for taking his life?"


"None.  The fucker was insane.  It was him or me."


"Clearly.  How did you reach these memories?"


"It's strange but, I went into my safe place.  Blair was there, she told me to go back.  She told me I could not stay with her and that I had to leave her, or I'd die.  I listened to her, and when I came out, I didn't retreat again.  This meant that I learned, first hand, again, what his ritual was about and how painful it was.  Since I was not going catatonic anymore, I was aware of everything.  When he performed the ritual of dressing as the Grim Reaper..." he went silent.


"Todd?" 


Nothing.


"Hey, Todd, don't leave me hanging."


He looked at Ray, with an emotionless face.  "I can't.  Not today."


"You're right, you've done enough.  Get yourself together, we'll see each other next week."


"It's too long away, Ray.  I can't do this for another week."


"Well, then, come tomorrow."


"I will."  He got up, straightening his shirt, and using his sleeve to wipe his forehead and eyes.  


He opened the door, and walked to the lobby.  It was still beautiful outside, and he went into the garden to wait for Williams.  While waiting, he spotted a familiar figure by the pond.  It was Zeus, sitting by the water, and seeming to be basking in the sun.  He got up, and wandered over to him.  Standing near him, he waited, not speaking.  Zeus finally opened his eyes, and looked from shoe to shoulder.  "Todd."


"Yeah, that's me.  What are you doing over here?"


"Just relaxing.  Thinking.  I heard you were kidnapped.  I am glad to hear you're back."


"Thanks."  Todd sat on a small rock nearby.


Zeus looked into the water.  "It's nice being outside."


"I know.  I've been locked up before, a lot of times."


"I'm...I'm hoping you're doing better, Todd.  I also hope you can forgive me for living your life.  I know that sounds lame when I hear myself say it, but..."


Todd put up his hand, "Don't.  You already did this.  It's over with."


"It's not.  Or you wouldn't be back here, again."  Zeus noted.


Todd knew that he was right.  It wasn't over.  The eight years was not behind him.  They were not found; they were permanently lost, never to return.  He would never see his daughter grow up and become a young woman.  He wouldn't be there to help her, or see her go to the prom or her first date.  He couldn't show his son love along the way, and make him feel strong enough not to do the things he'd done.  He realized that the man sitting across from him took all that away, but not of his own doing.  Somehow, through it all, he pitied Zeus and understood what he had been through.


"Maybe.  Maybe not.  I have had a lot of issues in my life, they didn't start eight years ago.  What about you? You're still here, too."


He squinted in the sun, "I'm all right, I guess.  Tea still won't let me see my girls.  You know I have a baby daughter now?"


"No, I didn't.  That's great.  Your first child.  I know how that feels."  He thought about it.  "She'll come around.  She loves you.  You love her in a way that no one else ever has."


"I do.  At least you realize that."


"She does too, believe me.  She'll come around."


"She accepted my calls, that's a start.  It's because of you, and The Sun articles about me helping bring my father down."


Todd was puzzled as to why Zeus still referred to Carlo as his father.  "Your father?"


"Yeah.  Hesser is my father, in the biological sense.  At least, I believe that.  He tripped up and hinted at it once, and I'm determined to prove it, or at least find out the truth.  I went to see him, oh about a week or two back.  He didn't outright deny, but I feel there's something more to it.  He called me names.  I was glad he doesn't consider me his 'type' of heir."


Todd could relate to that.  When his father died, he sat by his bed and realized he was glad to be himself and not like Peter Manning.  "I'm me," he remembered his own voice.  Even at his deathbed, he was still, in some unbelievable way, seeking Peter's love.  Sick.  He speculated that Zeus could have been experiencing the same thing.


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