The End of Blame: Chapter 45

Blair heard the car come around to the front, and ran down the stairs.  "Todd?  Todd, are you home?  You'll never guess what happened with Little Ray, Todd!"  Todd walked in the door, and put his keys on the side table.  He was walking slower than she was used to seeing.  She ran toward him, and then stopped as she got closer.  "Todd?"

He fell into her arms.  She cried, "Todd!  What is it?"

"Just help me get upstairs, Blair."

"All right," she said, and she put his arm around her shoulders and helped him take the stairs.  She was confused, but waited for him to find his way clear to finish talking.

"I'm . . . tired."

"What happened, my love?"

"Blair.  I'm sick.  You just have to . . . I know we talked about this before.  Just get the kids away from me.  Take them and go."  She ignored him, putting his feet onto the bed, and helping him lie back.  She undid his shoes and took them off.  She tried to undo his belt, and he pushed her hands away.  He said, "Listen to me!"

She said, "Nope.  There's no reason to listen to that.  We already made an agreement."  She flashed her ring, "You just gave me this, remember?"

"Blair, please?"  He was distraught and she was afraid for him, but not for herself or the kids.  "Please."

"You rest.  You're overtired.  Jet lag, and other lack of sleep, then pushed yourself to see Ray today.  I'm not going to ask what happened there, because I can only imagine.  I'm going to let you rest."

"Don't let the kids come up here.  Don't let them come in here."

"Todd Manning, you bet your ass they're coming in here to see their father if they want to.  I'm not keeping your kids from you.  In fact,"  she got up and went to the baby.  In a few minutes, she was back in the room, with Little Ray in her arms,  "In fact, someone wants to show you something."

"I can't," he turned over.

She sat on the bed, with Ray, and said, "Look at him, Todd.  Just look.  Come on."  She put her hand on his shoulder.  "Todd."

He turned to see the baby, and his face changed.  Ray lit up and reached for his father.  Turning on his back, and holding him in the air, the baby belly laughed into Todd's eyes.  Then, he saw it.  "He got another tooth."

"Yep!  Isn't he beautiful, Todd?"

He brought the baby closer, and kissed his forehead, and handed him back.  "Exactly why I can't be near him.  Not right now, Blair.  I'm all ugly inside.  He'll be ruined by me."

She didn't listen.  Instead, she placed the baby right back on Todd's chest.  "What happened with Ray, Todd?"

Todd couldn't help but put his hand on Little Ray's belly and hold him there.  "I'm. . . I just don't know what I'll do.  My head's all fucked up.  Memories trying to get through, I'm just not ready for all of them, Blair.  I'm not ready to face everything, not at once.  I feel . . . raw.  I can't be around the kids like that."

"Ray doesn't seem to mind much," she said, holding the baby's little hand as he smiled up at his father.

Tears rested in Todd's eyes.  "He's innocent.  He's precious.  He doesn't know any better."

"He knows.  He knows you're his Daddy, and that you love him."

At that moment, as if planned, the baby said, "Da-da," and a few other choice syllables.  Todd picked him back up, and holding him at arm's length above him, lowered him to him and kissed his forehead again.  Blair watched with a mixture of curiosity, sadness and love.  She said, "See?"

He brought the baby back to his chest, and let him lie there, on his belly, squirming around a bit, trying to move himself over Todd and explore the bed.  Todd kept one strong hand on him.  "Can you put him down, Blair?  I don't want him to hear us talking about any of this."

She obeyed her husband's request.  When she returned, he had his arms over his chest and was staring at the ceiling.  She said, "What is it, Todd?"

"I'm scared I'll hurt them.  Or you."

"You won't.  You know that.  We've been through this before and you're not going to hurt us.  You love us.  Nothing you remember can take that away.  Ever.  You're afraid because you don't know what's in there," she tapped his temple.

"What if I do?  I mean, somewhere I have to know, right?  Whatever I lived, is known by me.  I can forget it, but it's there. What if I know what's there and I'm too scared to let it out?  What if it changes me, or changes how you feel about me?"

"Todd Manning, listen to me,"  she turned his face to her, "Nothing you remember could EVER make me change how I feel about you, do you understand?  Nothing.  I've known the worst of you, Todd.  But I've seen it all, and I love you, all of you."

He wanted to believe her, but a voice inside was nagging at him that she would never love him and never be with him after learning everything.  He said, "On the car ride home, I fought off memories like I was being attacked.  Things were flying at me left and right.  I'm afraid of my mind sometimes.  Are they real, are they nightmares?  What else have I done?  What else happened to me?  It just makes me so tired, I want to give up.  I just want to . . ." in his desperation, he balled his fists, "I just want to feel good, Blair, I just want to feel something other than bad.  I want to be whole, for you, and the kids.  I want to feel good."


She put her hands over his fists, and she touched them gently until they relaxed again.  Then, she smoothed his hair, and touched his face.  She rested her thumb on his mouth, and brushed it across his lips.  She said, softly,  "That's easy, Todd," and she moved toward him, slowly, and took his top lip in hers.  When he did not hesitate to kiss her in return, she gently pushed his shoulders back to the bed, and put her hands to his belt.  He did not push her hands away this time, so she carefully undid it, and unbuckled his pants.  She slid his pants down, and took them off, putting them onto the chair.  She said, "There.  Better."  She ran her fingers along his stomach, and chest, and leaned over and kissed his abdomen.  She brought her tongue out, lightly, and flicked it over his nipples.  Looking at his face, she saw his eyes close, his brow unwrinkle and his mouth relax.  Then, she noticed that he was excited by her touches and said, "We'll talk about all this bad stuff later.  Right now, let me make you feel good, Todd."

He didn't respond, which meant he was not going to stop her.  His hands were in her hair, and she moved herself lower to work her magic.  She said, "And no worrying about me.  This is all about you.  Forget, my love."

He tilted his head back and sighed, doing just that, even if only for a little while.

***

John woke up early the next day and got dressed in his traditional black clothing.  He said to Natalie, "I'm out early this morning.  Want to pay a visit to Manning."

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you're friends with my uncle, John."

He didn't answer, instead he said, "I'll see you later, at work."

"Okay.  Say bye, Liam!"

The baby said, "Bye!"

John kissed his son, and Natalie, and headed out.

Having heard Manning was back home, John had wanted to call or visit him, to check on how things were with the family.  He had resigned himself that there would always be a push and pull within his own mind where Manning was concerned.  Criminal or Hero.  Victim or Perp.  Friend or Foe.  "You're driving to see the guy, he can't be all that bad," John said.

Pulling in front of Unforgettable was familiar, though he had not been there since a lifetime ago, when the family had a picnic and he and Natalie were invited.  He beeped the siren once, then realized he was not there on business.  He had come there as a friend.  He let the word sit in his mind for a moment, as the door opened to Blair.  "Hi, John.  What is it?"

"Is that all I get for a greeting, Blair?"

"We've had a really bad night, I'm sorry.  Come in."

John entered the house.  Blair looked tired, and was still in her nightgown and robe.  He noticed a bruise on her arm.  "What happened there?"

"No, John, the maniac did not hit me, is that what you meant?"

"Easy, Blair.  What's going on?"

She fell onto the couch.  "He fell asleep about a half hour ago.  He had a terrible night.  I tried everything I knew how, and nothing worked.  He even went out for a while.  He's despondent.  Doesn't want to see the kids.  These latest things are eating at him, I know it.  There's probably more, and he's having trouble facing it."

"What brought this on?"

"He arranged a special session with Ray yesterday."

"On a Sunday?" John thought a moment and said, "It must have been bad.  And he must have known he needed it."

"I'm worried about him.  If he retreats from us too much, he'll lose all of the things he fights for.  I'm scared."

"I'm sorry, Blair."

"What brought you here, John?"

He wasn't sure how to explain himself, "I . . . just wanted to check on you."

She raised her eyebrows.  "On me?  Or on him?"

"Both, I guess."

"He's not well.  Something's. . . let's just say, there's definitely more to this."

John went to her and took her in his arms.  He rested his chin on her head, and said, "He'll be all right, he has you."

Todd, watching John holding Blair, came down the stairs, his knuckles white as he gripped the rail, watching them. "Hey, John.  I thought I heard the siren beep."  John let go of Blair at about the same time he focused on Todd's haunted eyes.  The black under them was competing with his jacket.

"Manning.  How you holding up?"

"Not so good,"  he looked to Blair, "Kids off to school?"

"Yeah, Sam didn't want to go.  I made him.  He cried."

"Uhuh.  Jack?"

"He was stoic.  Both of them wanted to stay here with you.  Jack heard us, in the middle of the night.  He's worried about you."

"I am, too.  But a kid shouldn't be dealing with this.  What did he hear?"

"You, yelling in your sleep.  Me, waking you.  You, taking off, upset.  You know the rest, you were there."

Todd turned to John, "Will you tell her that she needs to get on with her life?"

"No, I won't tell her any such thing.  I was married to her, remember, when she was still in love with you.  She can't get on with her life if you're not part of it.  Just the way it is.  Maybe I should be telling you  what to do instead."

Todd was put off by his answer.  "Yeah?" almost threatening.

"Yeah."  John said, just as menacing, and then after a moment, "Manning, you gotta face whatever it is that's destroying you.  Then maybe all of your family can get on with their lives.  Don't you see that their all so tied into you that leaving would never work?  You're stuck, gotta face it.  You can't run away.  They love you, they want to be with you.  They're either going to go down with you into your darkness, or come out flying the other way into the light.  Totally your call, Buddy."  He looked at Blair.  "I've seen what I had to.  If you need me you know where to call."

The door closed behind John, and Blair said, "What the heck was that about, Todd?"

"He touched you."  She saw the spark of the old, jealous Todd, with something else, and both welcomed and despised it.

"Oh, cut it out!"

"Let me finish.  Maybe someone else could be there for you, the way I can't.  Maybe someone like McBain.  A hero.  Someone normal."

"What?  Todd, no.  You were my rock when Sommer died.  You're always there for all of us, more than yourself.  Todd, John's right, you have to deal with whatever this is because at this point, you're talking crazy!"

He sat down, "Crazy."

She sat beside him, "I didn't mean crazy, that way, like you're crazy.  You know what I mean.  Don't you?"

He touched her cheek, "Yeah.  I know what you mean, Blair.  Nothing seems right anymore."

"Which means?"

"I'm off to see Ray, I guess.  Again."

She softened, "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No.  I'm all right, and besides, I have to do this myself."

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Your comments are 'payment' for the work of the authors. Our writers like to hear your feedback. Please leave a comment when you read.