The End of Blame: Chapter 49

"So, tell me how it went?  Since the last time we met.  You've told Blair everything you've remembered so far?"  Ray asked.

"Yeah, she knows.  You were right.  She loves me."  He couldn't help but smile.

"Good.  You seem okay with all that."

"Yeah.  I am.  She's always loved me, even when I was at my worst."  He looked to his hands, and picked at his finger.

"Something's bugging you, I can see that."  Ray said.  "You want to dive in?"

"A couple of things.  I wonder, when she makes love to me, does she ever get scared, like I'd hurt her?"

"Does it seem that way to you?"

"I can't make myself notice.  When I'm with her that way, everything melts off like icicles in the sun," he began.  "I lose myself in her.  It's the most comforting place in the world for me.  Her voice, when she speaks, it can make me . . ." he stopped himself, and shifted in his seat, "feel things.  I lived hearing it in my mind for those eight years."

"It's beautiful, really, the way you talk about her."

"She's Blair, that's all."

"So, then, you wonder about how she feels about you, as a lover."

"Yeah, I guess.  Sometimes I'm afraid to come on too strong, that I might scare her, but other times, when I've just let loose and said or done something . . ."

"How does she react?"

He thought back, "She gets really excited.  I can tell it turns her on."

"Does she act like she's afraid?"

"No.  I think it's just inside me.  My own being afraid of myself, and what I'm capable of."

"That's probably it, right on the nose.  We can work on all that, even bring her in, if you want."

"Maybe."  Todd said.

"Something else?"

"Some people can't get past what I did in the past, like Nora."

"Others can, like Blair, and it seems like John McBain."  Ray added.

"No, don't get him wrong.  He's not past it.  He's learning to like me in spite of it."

Ray smiled, "Okay.  A good thing?"

"Yeah.  But if he puts his hands on my wife again, I'm not sure I can be as polite."

"Explain."

"He was holding her, when she was upset.  They used to be married.  With Blair, at least when I was not with her, that's like changing socks.   He married her once to help her against Zeus, kid custody, that kind of thing."

"How did you feel when you saw him holding her?"

"Like smashing something.  Like his face.  I can't stand to see her touched by anyone."

"This is the same guy that supported you during your nightmares, and that saved you from the kidnappers, twice.  Right?"

"Yeah.  Right."

"Maybe you're just so deeply afraid to lose Blair, that you overreact to people who pay her attention.  Or it brings up the self-doubt that she can really love you."

"Are you shrinking me, Ray?"

"Am I?"

"I guess I am wrong about him, if I think about it.  He's dating my niece.  That should be enough but when I see it, I just . . ."

"Jealousy.  It's usually motivated by something you think you lack.  You see him as . . .fill in the blank."

"White night meets Dracula."

"Hmf, all right.  And you see yourself as . . ."

"Zorro?  I don't know, Batman?"

"If you think about those references, you see yourself as a misunderstood antihero, Todd.  Good intentions, but dark surrounding you and not always using 'justice and the American way.'  You see people like John as something unattainable.  You can't be that for your wife, so you want him away from her."

"Gee, that sounds good.  I like it.  Write it down, will ya?"

Ray enjoyed sessions like these, when talk was lighter and Todd was feeling better about himself.  They were a strong contrast to the dark, energy-draining episodes he had undergone with this patient, Todd Manning, since he had known him, and were mingled in the sessions, like unpopped kernels; sparing.  He could see why people could genuinely like the guy.  He said, "Dreams?"

"Better. Less of them.  Weird flashes instead.  I can't even tell what I'm seeing.  They're super short.  Usually, I can wake up and deal with them on my own.  Don't have to bother Blair much."

"Can you get back to sleep?"

"Yeah, usually."

"These are all good things.  What do you see as next for you?"

"Being a better father.  Stronger, for my kids.  Normal, I guess."

"You want to be normal?  What does that mean?  What does it look like?"

"Just not always emotionally pent up, not waking up screaming, not scaring the kids, not putting Blair through so much."

"If that's normal, then it seems you're getting there."

"Yeah, I guess it does.  Time to retire, eh?"

Ray laughed.  Then he said, "No.  I'm here when you need me.  We'll work on these goals you're setting for yourself.  Does that sound all right?"

"Sounds great," Todd said, getting up.  "I can't thank you enough, Ray, for the things you've done for me.  I . . . I probably would be in a padded cell somewhere without your help and Blair's."

"Yeah, probably," he quipped, and Todd raised and eyebrow and laughed. "Todd, it's almost as if, you've made it to a good place.  Solid ground.  You're starting a new life with Blair for the last time.  Things are coming back around.  That can only mean one thing."

"Next week?"  Todd said.

"Sure, Next week."  

***


"Guess who's here!"  The nun said, standing on the doorstep of Unforgettable.

Blair's mouth dropped, "Oh my God, you're here!" she cried, and threw her arms around her.  Timothy, who was walking with a cane, was behind her.  Blair hugged him more carefully.

Sam came down the stairs that moment, and his mouth formed a perfect 'o,'  "Grandpa!  Sister Becca Thrin!"  He ran to them, and seeing the cane, he used caution and hugged Timothy's legs.

Timothy said, "Ah, big man, you've grown ten inches since I last saw ya."

Blair could see the tears in the aging man's eyes.  She said, "Well, let them in the house, Sam!"

The two of them walked in, sitting in the family room, and Blair asked if they wanted something to drink.  They refused and started to talk over flights and weather.  Sam got his spelling stickers and showed them off.  Finally, he said, "Grandpa, Sister Becca Thrin, I'm so glad you're back here.  We missed you.  Dad's going to be happy.  And I'm going to be his kid!  He's going to dock me."

"Dock you?  What are ya, a ship?"  Timothy joked.

"No, he's gonna dock me, you know, I'll be his son, for real."

Blair said, "You mean he's going to adopt you."

"Yeah, whatever!"  he said, running up the stairs, yelling, "Jack, Grandpa and your boxing partner are back!" and his voice faded into the distance.

The nun said, as soon as he was out of earshot, "How's Todd?"

Blair said, "Ask him yourself," and the three of them looked to the door, as Todd came in.

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