The End of Blame: Chapter 43

Unforgettable had not changed.  As they pulled up in front, Blair squeezed Todd's hand.  "We're home," she said, "It feels like it's been years."

She bounded out of the limo, and he got their bags and followed her.  Sam was already out the front door when she made it to the step.  "Sam!" she shouted, and he jumped, landing in her arms.

Jack helped Todd with the bags and then hugged her, saying "Hi, Mom."

Sam got lifted to Todd's shoulders in a large swoop.  "Dad!"

Todd hugged Sam close and tickled his ribs.  "Hey, little man!  How ya doin?'"

"Good!  I got another sticker for spelling today!"

"That's so good, Sam.  You're a better speller than I ever was.  You can start writing for The Sun soon."

"That would be so cool."  Sam said, "I missed you."

"I missed you, too,"

Sam, in Todd's arms, looked back to Blair, and said, "Mommy, I missed you."

She said, "I missed you, Sam," and put her arms out.  She lifted him to the ground, and putting him down, knelt beside him again. putting her arms around him.  "OOh, I love you."

"I love you too, Mom."

Meanwhile, Jack was looking at Todd, and Todd caught his eye when turning away from Little Sam.  "Hey, Jack."

"Hey, Dad,"  he said, and then smiled, reaching out to hug his father.

Todd accepted the embrace, and put his hand on the back of his son's head.  He said, "I needed this."

Jack and said, "I'm sorry for everything you went through.  Sister Rebecca Katherine told me some of it.  I wish you could catch a break, Dad."

Todd laughed, and ruffled Jack's hair.  "Your hair is shorter."

"I cut it, for school.  Figured the chicks might not like it long."

"Chicks," Todd smiled.

"Yeah, I guess I have to move on.  But, I'm still sad about Orinia."

"Yeah?"  They were walking now, side by side, toward the back of the house.

Blair watched them go, thinking it was good for both of them.  Sam took her hand and lead her inside where Addie, Starr and Hope were waiting for them.

Todd said, "Your first love.  Hard to get over sometimes."

"It wasn't really that,"  he began.  They were interrupted by Sam running toward them.  "Dad!  Jack!  Mom said come in soon to see Addie and Starr."

They headed toward the house.  Starr ran to her father before he set foot on the patio.  "Dad!"

He hugged her, close, and she wept.  "Dad, I'm so glad you're home."

"Don't cry, Starr, come on," he said, brushing her tears away.  "I'm here.  I'm okay."  He took her back into his arms, and found Blair's eyes meeting his over Starr's head.  She gave him a look of pride and he smiled at her.  "I'm in one piece, now come on," he said, pulling out of their embrace, "Let's celebrate being together, all right?"

She sniffled.  Addie was in the kitchen, and Shaun, in an apron, was going to grill for them for dinner.  He said, "Mr. Manning." and extended his hand.

Todd said, "Hey, Shaun.  It's Todd to you, you're like family."

"The other Mr. Manning, well, Zeus, he got me into that habit."

"Well, these are new times and they call for new measures," he said, snagging a carrot from the crudite.

Todd made his way to hug Addie, and scooped up Hope as well.  Baby Ray, in his pack and play, stood at the side of it, holding on and watching.  He was cooing.  Todd spotted him and Blair saw his face change, putting down Hope.  Overcome with emotion, he went to the baby, and picked him up, cradling him against his shoulder, and softly said, "Hey, guy, I love you, so much."  He closed his eyes and rocked the baby gently for a moment.  Then, he opened them and found Blair standing beside him.

"He talks," Blair said.  "Addie just told me he says something now."

"What does he say?"

"He says, 'Da-da,'" Her eyes brimmed, knowing he'd missed some if these milestones with Starr and even Jack.  Todd's welled up as well, and he looked at his baby son.  This was the face that he went willingly with Leona to his probable torture and death for.  It was rounded, the cheeks were still a little pudgy, the eyes were just like Jack's but greenish, like Blair's.  He was a very beautiful baby, and Todd said, "You saved my life, you know that, Mister?"  Blair knew Todd was telling the truth.  After what he had been through in Greece and Ireland, she knew first hand that the idea of his family, and especially his infant son, had brought him back from the edge of darkness many times.

She said, "He knows.  He was just repaying the favor."

The baby laughed, and put out his hand, which had a saliva-ridden rattle in it.  He said, "Da-da."

Todd smiled and kissed his cheek, and when he squeezed his little face against his own before putting him down, he breathed in a sigh that caught with emotion.  Putting him back into the pack and play, Todd turned to Blair and embraced her.  "I never said thank you, did I?"

"For what?"

"For giving him to us."

"Yes, you did.  About a hundred times, Todd."

"Well, thank you.  That makes a hundred and one."  He put his arm around her and they returned to the kitchen.  There was a bustle of noise and play arguments, clanging of pots and cutlery, and everyone doing a job to get the meal ready.  Shaun said, "Mom and Dad don't do a thing tonight, kids.  This is their night.  A homecoming."

During dinner, Todd and Blair recounted their adventures, complete with his sound effects and impersonations.  He told of their adventures in Greece, and their sadness in Ireland that turned out to be a happy ending for Timothy.  Sam said, "I'm glad Grandpa didn't die, Dad."

"Me, too.  I knew you'd be happy when you heard that part of the story."

The meal was simple but perfect.  The family talked, shared photos and experiences.  Todd teased Jack as to how he started the whole mess by disappearing.  Jack took a certain pride in making it on his own in Greece before they arrived.  Todd teased back how it was his credit card that made it work.  Everyone laughed, glossing over the obvious pains and revelations they had encountered.  After the dinner was over, everyone cleaned up.  Blair insisted on doing some of the work to "get back into Mommydom" and Starr asked to speak to her father, alone.

They walked onto the back patio, and the others granted them the time.  Sam went upstairs to put on his swimsuit; Indian Summer was hanging on by a beam of light, and as all kids, Sam wanted to be part of it as long as he could.  Starr sat beside him and rested her head on his shoulder.  She said, "Dad?  I think I finally understand you.  I mean, really."

He said, "Great.  I still don't."

She said, "Sister Rebecca Katherine told me everything.  Dad, how could your father do that to your mother, and let you watch?"

He knew what she was grappling with.  Now having her own child, the horrors that seemed pretty terrible before became intolerable and sickening.  He said, "He was sick.  He was evil.  Lost.  I don't know what else to say," he said, running his tongue over his teeth.

She said, "When she told me all this, about the nightmares, and the memories, I was so sad for you, Dad.  I know what you went through, when you were away from us.  I know what you went through as a kid, and when you were with Leona.  I couldn't believe there was more."

He didn't answer, because inside, he was certain that more was there.  He said, "It's over.  It's behind me.  I'm going to therapy to deal with it.  I want to move on, you know, Starr.  I want to have a normal life."

She said, "You?  Normal?"

"I'm tired, Shorty.  I just want to be with my family."

She swallowed.  She could see in his eyes the strain and the dark circles told of his nightly pains.  She said, "Whatever makes you happy, you should have, Dad.  You've had enough troubles."  Her voice broke, "I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for what you have been through, in your whole life," and she hugged him again.

He said, "Shhh, it's okay.  No tears for me.  I'm fine.  I'm home."

***

Hours after everyone was in bed, Todd and Blair were in their bedroom, which at first sight, had brought sighs from both of them.  They'd spent the evening in the hot tub, making up for lost time.  He said, "God, I missed this place."  The moon was coming in through the tall glass panes.  He had always been drawn to windows, light and open space.

She said, "Oh, me too.  And our tub."

"Not to mention, our tub."

They got out of the warm, soothing water, and undressed for bed, both tired, and crept in next to each other.  They were just settling against each other when they heard little Sam screaming.  Todd jumped up and ran to his son's room.  Throwing the door open, he remembered not to frighten him, so he stood, at the door, and said, "Hey, Sam, are you okay?"

"Dad!"  he cried, "I'm scared.  It's dark!  Mommy's gone and you are gone."

Todd went to Sam, carefully putting on the soft light next to his bed, and sat beside him.  "We're not gone, see?"

Blair was at the doorway, and she said, "We're here, Sam," crossing to his bed.  She sat on the other side of him.

Todd smoothed his hair and said, "Everything's okay, Buddy."  While watching Todd, Blair kept thinking of how Peter Manning brutalized him when he just needed the same love and care Todd was showing to their son.

Sam was crying the way little kids do; there were periods of quiet and then long gasps for air, with plenty of tears.  Blair said, "Tell Mommy what's wrong, Sam?"

"I had a dream that you and Daddy were gone, and never came back.  I had to go and live with my old Dad, and I'm scared, Mom."

She and Todd exchanged knowing looks.  Todd said, "Now, listen to me, Sam.  Nothing is going to happen to us.  You have Addie, Jack and Starr.  Why are you so scared?"

"He was mean to me.  And . . . Dad, I told a lie."

Todd felt sick.  He pushed aside every voice that told him to panic, and listened to the boy.  "When?  When did you lie?"

"When Jack was sneaking out that time, and you were asking me questions about my old Dad.  I lied."

Blair's hands began trembling and since Sam's face was fixated on Todd's, Todd was able to take her hand behind his middle son, and squeeze it tightly, as she closed her eyes.

Todd said, "What did you lie about?"

"About him being mean to me."

If he touched this kid.  If he did anything more than grab his arm hard.  If he so much as tapped him.  "You mean he wasn't mean to you?"  Todd said, hopeful.

"No, he was.  I just lied because I said he was not that mean.  He was real mean, Dad.  I'm afraid of him.  Sometimes I see him in my dreams.  He's mean to me in there."

Todd pulled the little boy into a hug.  He said, "He's not going to be mean anymore.  Remember I told you, he was sick?  He was mean because he was sick.  He's better now."

"I don't care, I am still scared of him.  If he gets sick again, he might hurt us."

He hugged Todd around the neck.  Todd and Blair's eyes connected.  She was crying, he was seething.  Either way, their son was not going to be near Zeus Zelenko any time soon.  Though they both knew none of it was Zeus' own doing.  But it happened, and Sam had paid for it.  Todd said, "Do you want to tell me what he did when he was mean?"

Sam pulled back and said, "He'll go like this," he said, and pinched Todd's arm.  "Or he'll do this," he said, shaking Todd by both arms.  "And he'll yell at me.  And he hit me one time.  Hard, right here," he pointed to his back.

For a moment, Blair, seeing Todd's expression, wiped her eyes and turned the little boy to her, and sniffing in her tears, said, "Why didn't you tell Mommy, Sam?"

"He said not to.  He said if I did, something bad would happen to Arnie."

Todd said, "Who's Arnie?"

"Arnie was a turtle that Sam had.  He caught him himself in the yard at La Boulaie."  She said to Sam, "That's over now, all right?"

A black cat with patches of white fur.

"I don't want to go and live with my old Dad.  I want to live with you."

Todd, turning back to his son and still infuriated, put on the best cover face he could.  "You're going to live with us, always.  Until you get big, and get your own house."

"I don't want my own house.  I want to live here with you."

"All right, you can live here with us.  As long as you want.  Now come here."  He hugged the little boy again, then got up and left the room.

Blair said, "Come on, get back to bed."

"Sing to me, Mommy."

"All right," she said, sitting next to him.

He said, "Wait!" and jumped up, running to his desk.  He turned on his tape recorder.  "Okay, Ready, Mom."  He climbed back into bed.

Todd, in their suite, could hear Blair's voice echo through the hall, as he splashed cold water on his face and looked in the mirror. He heard her sing:

I love you, I want you to be what you want to be. . . 
And keep your faith in the kindness of strangers
if you lose your faith in me. 


You're alone out there--don't walk where kings can't find you. 
Try not to believe in their talk.
There's hunger in their hearts, cruelty on their minds. 
Be careful out there in the dark.
All the world doesn't have to be cold.
There's so many things I wish I told you. 


You'll find your own way....
I believe that you'll find kindness out there,
Somewhere--people who will care for you. . . 


I love you, I want you to be what you want to be.
And keep your faith in the kindness of strangers,
if you lose your faith in me . . .


By the end of the song, Sam was asleep, and Blair quickly made her way to her husband.  He was sitting, at the edge of the bed, in the dark.  The moonlight was shining off his lustrous hair.  She moved his hair back from his shoulders, and started to rub them.  She whispered, "Are you all right?"

He closed his eyes.  "Zeus'd be dead right now if he weren't fucked up by Carlo.  You know that."

"Stop it.  How would that help that little boy in there?"

He shook his head, "He didn't deserve that.  None of it.  I don't care what he did wrong."

She said, "And you did?"

He thought about it, not answering.  Then, after a pause, he said, "No.  I didn't either.  We were kids.  Little kids.  Makes me want to smash something."

"I understand.  But you're not going to.  Think of a better answer."  She massaged his shoulders as he thought.

He said, "We need to adopt that boy."

She said, "Now you're talking."

"I need to get Zeus to give up his parental rights so he can be our son, legally."

"Yes."

"You didn't adopt him."

"No, I never did.  I just had him, took him, loved him.  Then, when Zeus chose Tea, the baby stayed with me.  Zeus never even asked for him back."

"Done deal.  He's ours.  I'll file papers Monday."

"I love you, Mr. Manning.  Especially when you're playing father tiger."

"What about you, Momma Bear?  I saw some pretty tightly balled-up fists in there while Sam was talking."

"Do you think it's anything more, Todd?"

He shook his head, "No.  He was telling us everything, because he lied.  He felt guilty enough.  If there were more, we'd know."

"This all brings it back to you, doesn't it?"

"Yeah. Some.  But no one is going to hurt that little boy, or Ray, or Jack, or Starr, or any of you."

"I know,"  she kissed his cheek.  "You made sure of that.  You'll protect us, I know that.  Let's go to bed."

He pulled her onto him, and she wrapped her arms around his chest, and put her head on him, as they always did.  He smoothed her hair until she fell asleep, and in the dark, he said, "You have some serious explaining to do, Zeus, and that kid is ours."

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