The End of Blame: Chapter 40

Sister Rebecca Katherine sat by Timothy's bedside, keeping her prayer vigil as she promised herself she would.  She sat, against the doctor's orders, with a blanket covering her, and her hands wrapped with her rosary beads in prayer.  Her lips moved quickly, for every prayer was committed to muscle memory, and she was rapt with belief that God would see to it that His will was done.  She was ready to accept it, even though it probably meant that she would no longer have a brother on this earth; a piece of both of her parents; someone with the same blood in his veins.


Todd came around the corner and peeked in.  He interrupted her, knowing she might become annoyed with him, but that always passed, because the nun had, in some abiding fashion, claimed Todd as her own.   He said, "Hey.  You're supposed to be resting."


She looked up. "I am resting, and you're interrupting my prayers," but she did not go back to them.


"I know, I figured I'd hear about that."  He waited, as if she would return to them, but she didn't.  He said, "You're up early."


She said, "So are you.  What the devil made ya come out at this hour?  It's barely dawn."


"Bad night," he said, pulling up another chair.  He sat by Timothy and Rebecca, and his hands went in between his knees.


He reminded the nun of a little boy.  She said, "I'm sorry for this torment you're enduring.  But there's an end to it, there always is.  It will pass and you will heal."


"I know," he said.  "All I did was throw up, it didn't make me totally lose it this time.  At least I'm not burning myself up in the middle of the night."


"Now, stop that."


"What is important, is all of us, including Timothy, getting on with our lives."


She looked to her brother.  "Yes.  I know that.  It is time for this.  You and Blair, ya have a family and a home.  I have my work, the people at St. Anne's, who will miss me and need me back.  You're right, Todd."


"Blair's on her way, she got held up with a phone call from home.  Sam.  He's having nightmares, too."


"Ah, the poor cherub.  What is bothering him?"


"Just us being gone, and him hearing one of my nightmares in Greece.  He's scared.  He just wants his mother.  I know how he feels."  He looked down at his hands at first, and then reached for hers.


"Well, then.  Shall I wait for Blair?"


"She said we didn't have to.  It's really up to you.  She's not much for goodbyes.  You don't know Blair's past at all, but she's had too many of those.  She doesn't like them."


"I can see why.  She's had to say goodbye to babies, and to you, too many times.  She's a strong woman."


"She is.  She'd have to be to be in love with the likes of me."


"Ah, yes, but you admit she is in love with ya.  That counts the most."


"I guess she is," he nodded.


They both brought their attention to Timothy.  She misted over, saying, "He's already had his Last Rights.  I insisted on that last night."  Todd didn't know what she really meant, but he nodded.  She continued, "I hope The Lord will protect him," she began to cry.


Todd moved his chair a little closer, and keeping her hand in his, said, "With all those hours you've logged?  I'm sure He will."  He said, "Sister?"


"Yes, my boy?"


"Why do some people become evil?"


"Are you sure ya have long enough for this one?  Ya have to get home to those boys?"


He laughed, "I asked a loaded question, I guess.  No hope for a simple, straight answer."


"No, there's not, Lad.  It's too complex and complicated to answer in a short response.  But if ya really want to know, I will give ya my point of view.  But I can tell ya now, there are no 'straight answers' to this one.  And there's no one truth."


He thought.  Something in him gnawed at his insides when he thought about the why of people like Peter Manning, Carlo Hesser, and Michael Leona.  Then it occurred to him that he, for once, had seen himself separate from them.  He had not included himself in the group.  He said, "What next?"


She said, "Go and get the doctor, Todd.  We . . . need to let my brother go."


Todd left her, and went to the nurse's station.  He requested the doctor on call, and went back to the nun.  "I think we have a little time.  He's making rounds.  Can't say I'm in a huge rush, though."


"Yes, I know," she turned back to her brother.  "He's a good man.  He was.  If you knew him years back, when he was first a father, you would understand why he was the way he was here at the end."


"I think I already do," he said, "understand him, I mean."


"Possibly.  You're a good man, too, Todd.  You're not evil, if that is what ya meant when ya asked me.  You're not evil."


"What does being a good man mean?  Can anyone just be a good man, and nothing bad?"


"No.  I don't think anyone can."


He said, "Except maybe McBain,"  then he mocked her, "That man gets me knickers in a knot."


She playfully slapped his knee.  "Even McBain can do wrong.  He just doesn't have reason."


Todd was amused by her comment.  "So, I do?"


"Not exactly, but you've certainly been driven to some of the things you've done.  And if ya look back, there's not much lately that ya should be embarrassed about or ashamed of.  Mostly saving people, risking your own life.  Those are not evil things."


He looked to his hands, and then to Timothy.  "He said almost the same thing.  Just differently."


"He probably sees himself in ya.  He's had his share of darkness."


The doctor came into the cubicle and said, "I apologize for being a little longer than I expected.  Making rounds."


She said, "Doctor, I believe we are ready.  It's time.  He's suffered long enough in life.  He deserves to be set free," and as steadfast as she sounded, her voice caught and broke at the end of it.


He said, "I see.  There's very little left to do, then.  You've already completed the necessary papers.  There's no reason not to proceed.  You should make your goodbyes, and then you can call the nurse.  She will know what to do."


"Thank ya," Sister Rebecca Katherine said.  "We won't be long."


As the doctor went out, Blair came in.  She said, "Morning, Sister," as she bent to kiss her, and then kissed and hugged Todd.


He said, "It's time."


She said, "All right.  I am glad I made it here, then."


She went to Timothy's bedside and stood, and said, softly, "Good-bye dear friend.  Thank you for trying to help us and for being in my family's life, especially what you've tried to do for Todd."  She leaned over and kissed his forehead and moved behind Todd's chair.


Todd looked up at her.  "Now that it's here, I can't."


"You don't have to," Blair said.


It was then that all of the things they had been through, since first meeting him in Ireland and his role in locating and saving Todd's life, to the times at Unforgettable with the family, flashed through his mind.  He could hear Little Sam calling, "Grandpa, watch this," and jumping into the shallow end of the pool, holding his nose as if it was a death-defying act.  He blinked back tears.  He said, "All right, Old Man.  You got me."  He stood, and went to the bedside.  Blair hung back, behind him, but close enough to reach out and touch his shoulder.  He said, "I may see you again, who knows.  At the rate I'm going, it's a toss up which place I'll be in, you, too."  His voice softened, "Thank you.  For everything.  I won't forget anything you said to me."  Blair saw him reach down and touch the man's hand, absently.  Then he turned and went to the window, his customary place.


Blair remained by the bed, for Sister Rebecca Katherine's sake.  The nun moved to the edge of her seat.  She said, "Timothy, I can't say anything that would be a fair testimony to the whole path of your life.  So I will say that I love ya, and go with God."  She leaned over, and couldn't quite reach, so with Blair's help, she was able to stand momentarily and kiss his forehead.  "Go with The Lord, my dear brother."


The nun took Blair's arm, and said, "We must go get the nurse.  The doctor said she will know what to do."


"Let me help you sit first," Blair said.


"No, dear.  I can't be here any longer, Bridgette.  Can ya bring me back to my room?  I'd like to rest there," she said, barely able to contain her sadness.


"Yes, sure."  She looked at Todd, who was standing, looking out the window, his hands shoved in his front pants pockets, his shoulders tensed.  She left him, and began to walk the sister back.  Seeing the nurse at the station, they stopped, momentarily, and Blair said, "We're ready now."


Blair carefully directed the nun back to her room.  They walked slowly and painstaikingly, careful not to overexert her and her "blasted staples."  Finally, they were at the hospital bed, and Blair helped the nun into the covers, swinging her legs delicately up onto the bed.  The nun was silently crying; streams of tears were coming down her face.  Blair, attempting to gather her own strength, said, "There we go.  You're all tucked in.  I'll be back in a few minutes to check on you."


The nun said, "No.  Please, Bridgette, don't go yet.  Please sit with me."


Blair pulled the chair up, and said, "Anything you want.  I am so sorry about your loss, Sister."


"Ya know, he was a good brother to Johnny and I.  He took care of us."


"I am sure he did, because he seems to take care of a lot of people."


"He tried.  But his drinking, that was his downfall.  It destroyed him in many ways."  She sighed, and dabbed at her tears, "Well, it is all behind us now.  Hopefully, he'll find a peaceful rest, more peaceful than life."


After a few moments, her tears gave way to sleep, and Blair watched as the nun closed her eyes and her breathing regulated.  Blair, also crying, took out her hand mirror, and began to wipe away the black overage from her mascara, when she saw Todd in the reflection.  He was over shoulder, and his expression was one she had not quite remembered seeing in many years.  She turned in surprise.and said, "Todd.  You look . . . are you all right?"


"I'm fine, but you'd better come quick, and get Mother Theresa over there."


"Why, what's wrong?"


"They shut Timothy's ventilator, all right.  But the old bugger had other plans.  He's breathing on his own."


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