The End of Blame: Chapter 47

"What do you want to say, Todd?"  Ray Martino said, leaning toward his patient from the chair next to his.  It had been a particularly heavy session, and Todd was tired and agitated.  "Go ahead and say it, it's only me.  Saying it doesn't make it less true or real."  In all the things he had counseled Todd through, he'd never quite saw him this distaught.  It was almost like watching a stuttering child, and feeling as if you wish you could help him talk.

Tears streamed down Todd's face.  "She wasn't the first one.  Marty."

"All right.  Now that's out.  Unless you've said that before."

"I have.  I've said it."

"Then?"

"First was Carol.  Carol Swift."

"She's the one who clued in Kevin Buchanan when you were on trial."

"Yeah, she was.  I . . .I raped her."

Ray let the silence bathe them, and Todd leaned over in the chair.  He buried his hands in his hair, and said, "I can't do this."  Ray didn't answer.  He waited.  Todd said, "I can't.  I can't."

Ray touched his shoulder, "You can.  If you can't today, okay.  But you can.  Do you want to say why you raped Carol?"

"Because I could.  I was stronger than she was.  She humiliated me, I don't even remember how.  Whatever it was, I just did it."

"To punish her?"

"Yeah.  I was good at punishing people.  I knew just how, I guess.  I had the world's best teacher, didn't I?"

"You're talking in the past tense.  That's good.  Maybe you see yourself as different now."

"I am," he sobbed.  "I am different."  It felt good to say it.

"Yes, you are.  Todd, do you want me to move you forward, or is this enough for today?"

"What does 'move me forward' mean?"

"You know what it means.  I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you don't.  If you can, you do."

He sighed, leaning his head back this time, his hair dangling behind him.  "Oh, go ahead!"  he said, composing himself.  "May as well."

Ray said, "Let's go back before Carol.  Can we go back to you as a teenager, when you first started to be interested in girls.  What was that like?"

Todd's brow furrowed, and he made no attempt to stop the tears.  "Michelle."

"All right, Michelle.  You were fourteen, maybe younger?"

"Fourteen.  I thought I loved her."

"Did you think about her, fantasize?"

"Ray, this is stupid.  I was a teenage kid.  Of course I fantasized about her.  I don't want to talk about her anymore."

Ray got silent.  Todd gasped in despair and said, "Okay.  Fine.  I fantasized about her.  I wanted her.  What else?"

"She's the one who was there on your fourteenth birthday."

"Yeah, she was there.  He scared her away.  You know what happened next."

"So Michelle just gave up on you after that."

"No.  She was there, what do you want from me?"  he boomed.

"Nothing.  What do you want from you?"

He saw Todd stop, and think.  He took a big breath.  "She was there, still my friend.  She tried to help me.  But I'd changed.  After Peter did that to me, no one could talk to me or get near me.  The Coach, he noticed, too.  Later he blamed himself for not knowing.  I almost killed Peter.  You know that, right?"

"Yes.  The rest is understandable.  How did you change?"

"On the field.  I was ruthless in football," he got up and paced.  "My football career took off, it suddenly had wings, and at the same time, my father was paying attention to me because now I was good at something that he cared about.  Talking to me, sometimes like I was a person.  My mother had died, and I didn't see her anymore anyway.  The Coach knew I was different, too.  Asked me once."

"How else were you different?"

"Don't push me, Ray!  Don't."  He panicked.

"I won't.  You don't have to answer me.  I won't ask you until you're ready."

Todd paced.   John McBain was in his head,  Go and get help to face this, whatever it is that's destroying you.  Then maybe all of your family can get on with your lives.  Then his own, If you don't face it, you could be like this forever, Manning.  Is that what you want?   He spoke, "Couldn't sleep.  A lot.  Dreams, nightmares."

"Did your fantasties change?"

Todd, his back to Ray, became still.  He didn't answer.

"You don't have to answer.  We can call it quits for today."

Todd was still silent, and didn't move.  Ray began to go to him, when he saw his knees give way, and Todd dropped to them.  Ray saw him bend his head, and his shoulders began to shake.  Ray went to his knees beside Todd.  Ray put his hand on Todd's shoulder, and said, "This is a big day, Todd.  This is one of the most important days in your life, I promise you."  Todd's emotions were scattering around him.  He wiped his forehead with his sleeve.  Ray said, "I understand.  I know it might not mean much now, but it's very common among people who have experienced what you have."

"In my dreams, oh . . ." his voice trailed off.  Then, he regrouped.  "I used to dream about getting even.  How I'd hurt them . . . when they hurt me.  Or when I was just hurt."

"Do you want to finish this out?"

"I . . . do.  I'm trying.  It makes me feel sick."

"It's going to be all right.  In these dreams you were violent toward women, let's say, a girl at school, let's even say Michelle.  In your mind, you hurt her?"

He nodded, hugging himself.  Ray continued, "And you had a physical, sexual reaction to this, and that scared you."

Nodding, Todd sat, trying to get the will to continue.  "I remember it now, like yesterday.  I pushed it out of my mind ever since.  That and my mother.  I made it all go away.  But it didn't.  Later, I acted on it.  In retaliation."

He wiped his face on his sleeve again.  "Marty, she was . . . too like me.  She was afraid of everything, of emotion, of love.  Had lost her parents.  She made me look small, humiliated me.  Prison actually helped, when I think about it now.  I learned first hand what I had done to these women.  What it felt like.  I had no memory of the Peter thing until much later.  Rebecca, she was afraid of me.  She said she loved me, but my touch scared her.  But she helped me understand that I could change and could be forgiven.  Blair, she . . ." he broke off, emotion taking hold of his throat.

"She made you a human again.  She accepted you.  She wanted you."

"Yeah.  She wanted me.  Somehow, she still does.  At first, it was for the wrong reasons, but I didn't care.  She's loved me, ever since, despite all of this, the things she knows and the things she doesn't and the things I did to her."

"Don't sell her short.  She knows what you've done for her, as well, Todd.  She loves you very much.  You are both pieces of the same puzzle."

He bowed his head again, "My mother," and squeezed his eyes shut.

"That's your past, Todd.  You have to learn to keep it there.  Look at it, learn from it, and leave it.  That's all you can do."

He nodded.  "I don't want Blair to leave me.  I've always been afraid she will."

"You know the answer to that.  I know she won't, no matter what you uncover.  And I think you know that, too, deep down.  Blair's in it for the long haul."

A strange calm came over him just then, and he said, "Why does this all make sense now?  All of it?  What I felt, what I learned, and what I did to other people?"  

"You can't change any of that now.  But you can change from this day on.  You can forgive yourself, Todd, because you know.  You know, and you're past this."

He was silent, then met Ray's eyes with his.  "Thank you."

"Just doing what I do, Buddy.  Can I tell you something?"

"Yeah.  After all I've told you, you can tell me anything."

"When I met you in Statesville, I knew you were a victim, too.  I just had the sense that you were, and I thought it was Peter.  I couldn't get it out of you then, and you stopped seeing me, remember?"

"Yeah.  No one could get it out of me.  Not even me.  I think there's more, Ray.  I just . . . I feel there is, but I just can't . . . "

"No need to.  This is enough for now.  The rest will come when it has to.  Or maybe never.  For now, you've done a great job of piecing this all together.  And now you have to forgive and move on from what happened to you."

He nodded, and then said, "Heck, you know what's funny?  Coach had to basically tell me what happened to me.  I was like pushing 30 by then, and still was in denial most of my life.  Starr was already a smart little beautiful five year old girl then.  I was apart from Blair," he winced, "damn, the wasted time."

"Maybe, but look all you have left."  Ray said.

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