The End of Blame: Chapter 39

Peter was waiting at the table when Bitsy came in.  She had on high heels, and a short black skirt, and to Todd, she smelled a bit like something he'd take for a cold.  He hid behind the china hutch in the dining room, and waited.


"You slut, such a whore.  Where have you been?"


"I was at work, Peter.  Nothing more."


"Then why do you smell like a brewery?"

"Where's Todd?"


"He's dead.  Happy?"


"Where is he, Peter?"


"I killed his little pansy ass.  I burned him alive.  Go look outside.  I left his ashes."


She lunged at Peter.  "You sick bastard.  Talking that way."


He grabbed her arms, and wrestled her against the wall.  "You're drunk, you slut."


"I had a drink.  Anything to get me to forget you.  I'm going to leave here, one day.  I'm going to leave you by yourself, alone and in your own sickness."


Afraid she was going to leave, he stepped out of hiding.  He was wearing Superman pajamas.  "Mommy?"


"Go to your room, Todd.  Go now."  She said, frantically.


He disappeared as she asked, but only back behind the hutch.  He waited.  They continued to fight.  He came back out from behind the hutch.  Peter, who was manhandling Bitsy, said, "You little bastard," and raised his hand, as if to backhand Todd.  He made contact with Todd's face, as a tooth flew loose and blood poured out of his mouth.  


Bitsy shrieked, "You animal!  You hate him because he's good and he's loving.  Something you'll never be."  She raced at him, and her nails dug into his cheek.  "You can't love.  You can't even make love.  You're not human.  You impotent freak."  She was screaming.  


Todd was watching, his breathing was as rapid as a rabbit's.  Blood dripped onto his Superman pajama bottoms, and he was crying.  He saw his mother claw at Peter's face, and leave three deep scratches that immediately drew blood.  He didn't understand what she said, he just knew it was bad.  It was making Peter mad.


Todd was scared, he couldn't move, and was transfixed on his parents.  Peter put his hand to his own face.  "You fucking little bitch."


"Fucking?  We all know what that's like around here."


He grabbed her by the arms and shook her, violently slamming her against the wall, and she hit it, hard, a loud thud ringing out.  Todd saw a puddle form at his feet.


Bitsy slid down the wall, half awake, muttering to herself, and Peter knelt down in front of her, and ripped open her blouse with the kitchen knife.  "You'll know plenty, you whore."  He tore her shirt out of her skirt, and pushed it up rudely over her.  Taking a dishrag from the sink, he used it to tie her wrists.  Pinning her hands over her head, Todd watched as Peter pushed her skirt above her waist, and saw her become fully alert with recognition of what was happening.  She screamed, "Todd, run!  Go, now!" before Peter took another dishtowel and stuffed it into her mouth to gag her.  


Todd couldn't move.  Instead, he stood there, watching as Peter undid his belt. . .


"Stop!"  he cried out, sitting up.  Then waiting a moment and realizing where he was, he said, "No, Oh, No, Momma," and raced into the bathroom.  Throwing the seat up off the toilet, he leaned over, heaved, and his dinner came after.


Blair, disoriented, stumbling awake, came after him, and seeing the scene, got a cold towel and used it to cool the back of his neck.  She said, "Shhh, here, let me hold this.  Breathe, Babe, breathe deep."


"I . . . can't."  He said, unable to catch his breath.  He leaned over and vomited more, and she held the cold towel on the nape of his neck.  Then, as he unbent himself to standing, she ran it across his forehead.  He sat, again, with his back to the tub, wrists propped on his knees, and cried.  She sat with him, using the cold towel to clean up his face and chest, and then got another, using it to cool his brow.  All the while, she was murmuring soft words, calming him, reminding him where he was, how soon he'd hold his baby again, that she was there, that the kids loved and missed him.  


After a while, he just said, "That was bad." Then softer, "That was so bad.  God, my mother."


"I'm sorry, Todd.  It's not real, though.  Not anymore."


"I know.  I just . . ."  He looked to the ceiling, and his beautiful hazel eyes were glistening with tears.  "I can't let go."


"It's all right.  You can get help with that.  Ray will help you.  Right now, maybe it's too soon to let go of it.  You've only just remembered."


"Hold me," he said, reaching for her.  She obliged, taking him into her arms.  He said, "How few times have you heard me say something like that?  And how many times have I wanted to?  I was a fool, Blair.  All those times I needed you so much, and was so bitter."


"You're getting better.  You're okay with needing me now and that's good."


"Peter was so sick,  And to think I spent most of my life trying to get him to love me."


"You were just a child.  All kids want love.  It was just in your nature."


"I wish I knew he would never have given it to me.  Then,  I could have saved myself."


"You did save yourself.  You left.  You screwed up, and you learned."


"I didn't save myself, Blair.  You saved me.  You.  You were the first woman to ever make me feel like I was not something to run away from.  You were the first person I ever trusted."


She put her hands on the back of his head and moved him away from her a bit, so that she could look directly into his eyes.  She said, "But you saved me, too.  You have to know that.  You were the one who made me finally be loved, and have a man who put me first and cherished me.  I've never had that, until you."


"We're a match then, made in somewhere, and it's not Heaven."


She smiled, and said, "Who cares where it was made?  It's here, and it's ours."


"Don't let go."


"I'm not.  You want to stay in here?"


"No.  We'll go back to bed.  And in the morning, I want to do what we have to to get home.  I need something, Blair. I need . . . I need help with this.  I'm scared to lose my mind, because if I do, I lose you and the kids."


"You won't lose us.  Ever.  You won't," she said, standing up.  She put out her hand.  He took it, and they went back to bed.


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