The Fourth Life: Chapter 42

A few days had passed.  Todd had not been able to bring himself to leave Blair.  She was weak, confused and could not seem to snap out of the dismal, dark place she was living in.   He had tried, as well as he could, to bring her out of it; to cradle her in his love and help her forget, but he understood why she was hurting so much.  They had lost a child, a living piece of hope, and both of them knew, he more than she, that there might not be another chance.


He walked in and found her staring out the window, in a rocker, moving back and forth slowly.  He had a bouquet of Gerber daisies in all colors, and he hid it behind his back.  He was not sure why he was hiding it, but he had seen it in so many television shows, and thought it looked like the thing to do.  He said, "Hey, Mrs. Manning?"


She turned, "Todd."  She gave him a weak smile.  "I was just thinking of you."


"Funny, I was thinking of you," he said, bringing an ice cream soda around his back and holding it out to her.


She said, "Other people bring plants, you bring me happiness.  Thank you."  She took a sip, and placing it on the side table, she turned back to the window.


He pulled a chair up next to her.  "Babe, what are you doing?"


"Just resting.  I like to sit here and rock and look outside.  It's very sunny today.  Beautiful."


He took her hand.  She met his touch with rubbing from her thumb.  She said, "This was your baby, too, Todd.  Are you all right?"


He gulped back the lump in his throat.  "Yeah, I'm all right.  You?"


"I don't know.  I feel empty, like it will never be the same.  I try not to think that way, but, it's bad."


He ran his hand down the back of her head, and her hair was silk against his fingers.  He missed her so much, and wondered how long it would be before she could feel something aside from despair.  He said, "The kids, they miss you."


"I miss them, too."  She rocked a few times.  Then she said, "Todd, do you think I am too old to have another baby?"


He had feared this moment since the second Larry told him his doubts.  "No.  You're only as old as you feel."


"Can we try to have another baby, Todd?  Soon?"


He'd never seen her like this.  In fact, when she had lost her first child, their son, during their first marriage, she had not wanted to even talk about conceiving another child.  It had taken a great deal for them to work back up to it, before all Hell broke loose.  Now, he could not believe that he was hearing her ask, this soon, about something he was pretty certain she could never have again.  "Whatever you want."


"I want her back," she said, weeping, and he moved closer to her and let her put her head on his shoulder.  He feared telling her the truth of her future as a new mother, would push her further in to darkness.  


"I know.  I want her back, too."


Her face changed.  She was cold.  "I want him dead, Todd.  I want him dead and buried, like she is."


He knew what she meant.  He had been fighting images of the same thing for days.  But, to hear it from her, made him get a sick feeling.  She was always his rock, the one who kept them grounded.  "You need to stop thinking that way, Babe."  He had rubbed off on her.   He'd gotten into her head and made her think like him.  He'd spread his own revenge need, like a sickness.


"I hate him.  I know he did it.  I know he did.  He made someone try and kill Zeus, because Zeus was the only one who knew the truth about him.  This was Carlo, you know it was."


"I know, and we'll get him at trial."  He thought about it.  "Blair, you said something the other day, on the witness stand.  I just remembered."


"What?"


"You said that Leona told you that Carlo was his boss.  I was there.  He never said that, Babe."


"I know."


He looked at her, both surprised and in awe of her.  The moment reminded him of their early days, partners in crime, you and me against the world.  He said, "You lied."


"I did.  I was listening to the way you were brutalized, and looking at those photos, seeing you, like that, again.  It made me sick.  Everything else I said was true, Todd, just not that one thing.  I lied, yeah, and I hope he fries."


He smirked, despite the situation.  "All right.  I have to testify.  Soon."


"You don't have to, Todd, if you changed your mind.  Did you?  Change your mind, I mean?"


"No," he said, while imagining cutting Carlo's neck open with a sharp blade.  "I'll testify, Carlo will get the death penalty.  And, I'll find the shooter.  They'll all pay, somehow," he said, and she looked out the window again, and rocked.


In his mind, he could not help but think that the only way to free them from the pain and the hate was to murder Carlo in cold blood.  At the same time, he knew he could not leave Blair.  And, the larger question still loomed:  had all this happened because of him?  Was he cursed to be in pain and despair his whole life because of his own actions?  


He looked back at her, eyes closed in the sunlight, basking, the chair rocking softly, and remembered her words just a few minutes before.  I want him dead.  He had done this to her.  He had put her in harm's way, he had, with his bravado and carelessness, brought Carlo, onto himself and in doing so, her.  He hadn't protected her, and still marveled at the fact that he did not even realize she was shot not six inches away from him.  


I want him dead.  


Was she asking him?  Did she change her mind?  Maybe the pain of losing the baby had taken away her love for him, and she no longer cared if he were jailed or not.  I'm afraid that Blair...won't ...love me... 


He didn't dare ask her; she was drifting off, and seemed so peaceful, her hand still curled around his.  He tensed his jaw, and then released it.  Manning, get it together.  She won't want you apart from her.  She's grieving.  Sommer's dead.  He made sense of it the best he could.  He wouldn't tell her that a few days back, he had thought about letting all of it go, and not even testifying.  He had pictured them walking out of court, arm in arm, and just going home and being normal.  But today, he was certain what he had to do.  Normal was not in the cards for Todd Manning.  Carlo needed to pay, and his plan had included bringing him down in court. 


He looked at her sleeping face, head tilted to the side.  That was enough, wasn't it?


***


Zeus was wheeled into the condo carefully, by none other than Daniella, who was now ten and getting lanky and tall.  She pushed him gingerly into the foyer, and he stood up slowly, glad to have his feet on the ground somewhere other than Mountainview.  He said, "Thanks, Miss."


"You're welcome.  Daddy, I am so glad you're here."  She said, hugging him, gently, as not to bother his wounds.


Tea, who was following them with the baby in her carrier, said, "We're home.  What do you think?"


He thought the place was a perfect reflection of Tea, a blend of rich, warm colors and no-nonsense lines.  He smiled, "It's perfect.  I'll really enjoy relaxing here until the trial next week.  I won't venture out much before that."


Tea put her hand on her hip, and he knew there would be trouble.  "Trial?  There's no way in Hell you will be going near that courthouse."


"Hey, come on, you know I have to testify.  I can link Carlo to Leona.  It's important, to Todd, and now Blair, even more.  He killed their baby, Tea."


"You don't know that.  And besides, what's more important?  Putting that man away or being alive and with us?"  He didn't answer.  Surprised that she was taking this stance, he remained quiet.  She went on, "Let Todd and Blair take care of Todd and Blair."


Taken aback, he said, "I agreed to help John McBain with this case.  In fact, I am pretty sure I can't get out of it if I tried.  I'm on the witness list, you know that."


"I can get that changed.  I can't believe you are willing to risk your life for this.  What good will it do, he's going to be in prison anyway?  He's already got a hefty term."


"He killed their child, Tea."  He said, imploring her. "He ruined my life, brainwashed me.  Made me an empty shell of a man."


She said, simply, "Choose.  Be with us, alive and whole, or go testify.  Make a decision, but think long and hard," and she went up the staircase to her bedroom.


***


Later, Todd had ventured home to the penthouse, to sleep a while and get some fresh clothes.  As he was puttering around the bedroom, he heard knocking at the door on the first level.  He took the stairs in his quick fashion and opened the door to Patrick Thornhart, and, next to him, Marty Saybrooke.  "May we come in, Todd?"  Patrick asked.  


"Of course," he said, leaving the door open and walking away from them.  He crossed to the far end of the room, and fixated on the wall of windows.  The last time he had been in this same place with them was the day that they planned Thornhart's phony death in that very living room.  He didn't turn to them, "What can I do for you?"


"Margaret has something to say to you, Todd."  Patrick started.  "The least you can do is look at us."


Todd turned, and his heart was racing.  He felt such guilt, still, when he looked at her.  She represented everything he had hurt and destroyed in his life.  He said, "All right, Marty, I'm listening."


She sat down, and he sat across from her, folding his arms over his chest.  Patrick leaned on the arm of her chair.  "I got her special dispensation to come here.  She felt it was urgent, not only for her therapy, but for you, Todd."


He waited to hear what she had to say, knowing it could range from 'you destroyed my every chance for happiness, Todd' to 'I hope you die and you deserve it all.'  He was not sure what to expect.  She began, "I wanted to say that what happened, in 1993, is really over with, Todd.  I don't bear any malice against you anymore.  I don't hold hatred toward you.  It is in the past, and it should stay there, where it belongs."


He said, "All right.  You can say it, but I can't make it happen.  It's real for me still, every day."


She said, "Oh it's real for me too, every day.  But, you've paid."


Uncertain if he were hearing correctly, he said, "What?"


"You've paid.  More than that, you've suffered.  And you've regretted it.  Much more than I realized.  You've let it make you hate yourself for years.  But I figure, if I don't hate you, then you shouldn't, either."


He said, "You might want to check that therapist, Marty.  Seems you're a little off your spool."


She smiled, "No.  I'm not, I'm better than I've been in years.  Todd, you need to be free.  Your original sentence was eight years.  You've paid double that.  You're more than a convicted rapist, Todd.  You're a father, a husband, and you're....well, trying to be a good person.  Your baby that died, and I'm so sorry she did, but she didn't die because of you, Todd.  There's no grand plan to make you pay for what you did to me, by taking your little girl's life."


Suddenly, he wasn't able to hold his stoicism in place.  Instead, he was faltering, and he could feel it.  How could she have been saying these things to him?  His posture relaxed and he unfolded his arms.  "Why are you telling me this?"


"I know how you think.  I've known you a long time.  I know you've been sitting around beating yourself up for what happened to Blair.  I know you blame yourself for the death of that baby, and I'm sorry.  But I have to let you know that none of it is because of you and me years ago.  None of it."


His eyes watered, and he said, "I am still sorry, Marty, for what I did to you."


"I know that.  You've said it before, and I have to admit I wasn't always too interested in hearing it.  But I hear you now.  And I know you're sorry.  You've made some changes, Todd, even I can say it.  I want to leave it behind, and you should do the same."  She stood up, taking Patrick's hand, "Thanks for listening," she said, turning to go.  


Patrick followed her, and looking back said, "Take care of that wife of yours, and we'll see you in court next week." 


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