The Fourth Life: Chapter 62

Summer set in, and in the warmth of the season, some of the bad memories seemed to wilt and fade.  The boys, Jack and Sam, had taken off on a journey of a lifetime with Viki, to see the Mediterranean first hand.  Todd and Blair had brought them, via limo, to the New York City Harbor, to load onto the ship, Crystal Serenity, to depart.  The ride had been leisurely, with little traffic, and all of them had enjoyed movies and games in the compartment of the beautiful stretch Mercedes.


Saying good-bye to them was not easy; Blair broke down several times, and Todd, stoic in his way, supported her with his arm always lovingly around her shoulder or waist.  Viki promised to call them often, and have the boys write postcards at each port.  As difficult as it was to see them go, both parents knew it was best for them to be out and enjoying the summer months, while they attempted to refuel themselves and put their lives back together.


Todd would be seeing Ray again, for many of the things he had pushed from his mind to deal with Blair's need for him were not dead and buried as he would have wished.  Blair considered going to a grief counselor, and then settled on Ray herself, so that they could meet with him jointly, as well as apart.  Their plan was to spend the summer moving forward as much as they could, and start fresh, for their boys, by the following school year.


Zeus was struggling to overcome the loss of both of his parents.  Regardless of what they had done, he found himself back in the same place he was prior, and that was as a deserted orphan.  He had promised Tea to see Ray Martino about his residual feelings of bitter sadness, and planned to follow through.  Wanting to work through the grief and disappointment with him, Tea had promised to be there for him, whatever he needed.


Sister Rebecca Katherine had taken the news of Timothy's departure quietly, without much reaction.  She did not share her feelings about it with anyone, and when asked, simply replied, "He's a tumbleweed, that one, eh?  Place to place, settling nowhere."  Inside, she was torn apart by the notion that he may have been the killer after all, and waited, with patience, to hear something from him, not knowing when that might be.


One day, as Todd and Blair set into their regular routines at home, including therapy, care of Little Ray, and getting the yard and house ready for summer, he said, "Hey.  Remember a while back, we were going to have lunch at the Country Club?  And we couldn't go, because Sam was sick?"


She put down the cushion on the lounge chair she was fixing up, and said, "Todd?  Why the heck are you bringing that up now?  That was lifetimes ago!"


"Well, I was just thinking.  We never did get to have lunch there.  Since I've been back, we've never been there.  I like to hit all the important spots.  Now we don't have Sam running in with a fever, or Jack drunk, or any of the other things that might stop us."


"What about Little Ray?  Is he going to lunch at the Country Club, and then to the stables for a walk?"


"No, he can stay here with Starr.  Remember?  She said we can call her any time."


Blair, about to say that she didn't want to leave Ray, looked at Todd's expression and realized that he needed this, for whatever reason, and that she probably did as well.  "All right, I'll call her.  What time do you want to go?"


"Around 11:30?  That will give us time to helicopter onto the lawn."


"Todd!  Did you ask?"


"Of course, it's all set."


"You planned this before we even talked, I see."


"Yep.  Just go with the flow, Blair," and he traipsed off to his room to get ready. 


She continued to work on the chairs, beating and fluffing the cushions, and putting them back in place.  When she finished, she called Starr, who was somehow magically free to baby-sit.  She hung up, in time to hear him call to her, "Blair?  Come up here and shower with me."  She didn't hesitate, skipping to the steps.

***


Later, they got into the copter for the drive into Llanview.  Todd had her favorite champagne on ice.  She said, "Isn't it a little early for this?"


"Maybe, but why not?"


She poured a glass for herself and one for him.  They sat back, enjoying the view over the mountains, and he said, "Does this make you think of anything?"


"What, drinking in a helicopter?  High school?"


"No, I'm serious.  Does it make you remember anything?"


She played coy, "I don't know, what does it remind you of?"


"It reminds me of the day I asked you to marry me.  We were in my jet."


"I know, I was teasing you.  I thought of it, too.  Except, I couldn't drink then, I was..."  She stopped, and he did, too.  Her face twisted a bit, and then she gulped her champagne.  "To the future."


"You're supposed to toast first, then drink."  He softly reminded her.  The pain still hung in the air, for both of them.  He said, "I'm sorry."


She said, "That's a good thing.  If we forgot about it, for a while, then it means we can forget about it for a longer while."


He put his hand under her hair on the side of her head and kissed her, deeply.  Looking into her eyes, he said, "How did I get this lucky?"


She said, "You earned it.  Every last bit."  She kissed him back, even more passionately.  She played with a strand of his hair that had fallen loose from the ponytail.  She said, "Todd, you know I adore you.  Always have."


"I know, same here.  It's always been us.  You and me."


She nodded.  A bit misty, she turned to the window.  "There's the Country Club."


"Yep, and the stables.  We're going to land over there."  He pointed.


She snuggled close to him.  The wind was whipping against them, and the sun was in and out of clouds.  It made for a cooler ride than she expected.  After a leisurely lunch, he told her he had to use the restroom, and a waiter approached her.  "Mrs. Manning?"  He said, and when she nodded, he handed her a note.  "See a man in the stables," she read aloud.  She smiled to herself, and rolling her eyes, she picked up her sweater and purse, and headed out.


When she got there, the stables were very quiet.  She called to someone, but no one responded.  She looked up, and there were arrows pointing to the left.  She followed them, for a long distance, until she was at the last stall.  When she walked in, there in front of her was a beautiful black horse, with shining eyes and sleek jet black hair.  She gasped at the sight of him, knowing he looked precisely like Araby used to.  A note hung off his neck, like a pendant.  She took it, and read it, "To the unpredictable love of my life, nothing, not even wild horses, could keep me away from you."  Tears formed in her eyes as she reached up to touch the nose of the beautiful stallion.  As she talked to him, Todd approached from behind, and she heard the crunch of the straw under his feet.  She turned, "Oh, Todd," she said, hugging him.


"He's yours."


"He's the most beautiful horse I've seen in years.  He's so gorgeous, Todd."


"He was made for you.  Believe it or not, I called the same exact guy.  He's still in the business."


She could not stop looking at her gift.  She threw her purse and sweater down, and climbed on.  He was not like Araby, mostly because he was much tamer, but in appearance, he reminded her of him so much.


Todd admired her, from the ground below.  Her hair was cascading around her, shining, and her smile outshone it.  He said, "The surprise is not over."


She said, "I can't imagine anything more perfect than this."


"Well, remember back in the day..."


"Yes, back in the day," she repeated, laughing.  "When we're old and gray, many years from now..."


"You always wanted me to ride?"  he finished, "I am going to try.  That's the surprise.  You didn't notice this lovely girl back here, did you?"


There was another horse, and she was shocked that she never noticed her.  "No, I didn't.  I couldn't take my eyes off him."


"Well, her name is Maybel.  She's very tame, the easiest horse they have.  So, I get her, and you get him.  But you have to name him first."


"Oh I don't know, Sheik?"


"I like it.  Let's go, show me the ropes," he said.  She got off her horse and moved to the other, bringing it out and showing him how to get to know her.  Within a few moments, he was mounted and looking down at her. "It's going to take some getting used to."


"Todd Manning, you've battled just about everything, you can surely handle a sweet old horse like Maybel."  She mounted Sheik, and showed him how to start, and soon, he was walking Maybel along perfectly, as she did the same.


Once outside, Blair asked him, "Are you ready?"


He said, "If you can fly in that copter, I can do this."


She told him how to make Maybel canter, and took off, him following her at a decent but not overpowering pace.  As they crossed the meadow, he sped up, passing her, and looking back at her, smiled a huge grin.  She gave Sheik the nudge he needed and passed Maybel, looking back a bit with her hair blowing.  His was coming loose from the tie, and blowing in the breeze as well.  They rounded the field, and went through, at a slower pace, the trail she was familiar with.  It had stood the test of time, and was clear and accessible.  Following it at a slower speed, she lead, and he followed, and soon, they had reached the grove.  She said, "It's still here."


He hadn't seen anything like it.  In the middle of the woods, there was a clearing, surrounded by trees, with a small pond, covered in lilypads and algae, and weeping willows around the edges, with their branches skimming the water.  The sun was coming through the clouds, with the rays splaying apart.  He looked up, and then looked to her.  He said, "This is beautiful, Blair."


"I know, isn't it, Todd?"  She dismounted.  "When you were in Ireland, I used to dream about this spot.  I used to dream about seeing you alive, right here." She saw him opening a bag hanging from Maybel's side.  He extracted a blanket, and shook it out, lying it on the grass near the pond.  She walked over to it and sat, putting her hand out from below him.  In that moment, he flashed on her holding her hand out to him in Dorian's penthouse, in her Christmas off-the-shoulder dress, and saying, "Merry Christmas."  Overcome, he took her hand and sat beside her.  She tilted him toward her, and put his head into her lap.  Remembering the words of Sister Rebecca Katherine, she wanted to spoil her husband and let him know he could count on her.  He had been strong for her for weeks, and as guilty as it made her feel, she was ready to be there for him.


She loved how he looked, his hair coming loose of the elastic in places, and strands falling before his face.  She brushed them back, and said, "What are you thinking, Todd?"


He had his eyes closed, and then opened them, saying, "I'm thinking about what kind of man I am to deserve this.  A family, you."


His response was nothing she expected.  She said, "You're a man like anyone else, Todd.  It's not about that."


"I'm thinking of...I'm thinking about...when I got back from Ireland.  I was so...bitter.  Remember?"


She smoothed his hair, "Of course.  How can I forget?  Things were never quite the same, until last year, finally."


"I regret doing all that to you, Blair.  It makes no sense, when I think of it now.  You always 'got me.'"


"Yeah, I 'get ya.'  I feel the same.  Remember Max?"


"Yeah, too bad your aim wasn't better."  He paused, "But when you mentioned Ireland, my mind of course went to Hesser.  How long is that guy going to haunt me?"


She swallowed, "I don't know.  What were you thinking about him?"


"I realized, after that Finn woman killed herself, that I am a lot like Carlo.  I did what he did, Blair.  He took her child, and told her it died.  And I did that, to you.  I did a lot of terrible things.  That's why I don't see myself deserving all this."


"We don't know he took her child, Todd."


"How else did Zeus get to Greece?  He was a baby, he certainly didn't call up for travel arrangements."


"Does it really matter?  It's all over.  And you're nothing like Carlo."


"I've been dreaming, again, Blair.  I didn't want to bother you with it because of Sommer.  I keep seeing myself as him.  In the dream, it repeats.  I look into the mirror and his face is what I see."


"It's wrong that you think you can't tell me, Todd.  I want to be there for you.  But, that one's easy. Carlo was a man consumed by revenge and hate.  You're afraid that you're like that or that you'll end up that way."


He paused, "That actually makes sense.  How do you know me this way?  I mean, just know me?"


"How can I not know you, I love you.  And, I make sense most of the time.  He and Leona, two of a kind."  She said, and he felt her shake.  "You're nothing like them, Todd."


"I was a rapist.  A liar.  Heck, a kidnapper."


She stopped, and moved his hair aside, and looking into his eyes with her deep green ones, she said, "Those things were a lifetime ago."  


It was suddenly quiet between them.  After a long pause of letting her play with his stray strands of hair, and closing his eyes to feel her fingers gently touching him, he said, "Blair?"


"Hmm?"


"Did he rape you?  Michael Leona?  Did you hide that from me?  I've always been afraid of that, because when I saw you, in that room, with your nightgown in shreds..."


She stopped him, "Oh, no, Todd, he didn't.  It was close, but you stopped him.  He would have, if you didn't come home, right then, but he didn't."  She stopped a moment, and then pushed on, "I was more scared than I ever was in my life that night."  He could feel her shaking again, and pulled her onto the blanket, next to him.  She moved against him, and rested her head on his chest, and said, "You're afraid of that because of what he did...to you?"  


He closed his eyes a moment, and brought her closer.  It was her turn now to feel him shaking.  She said, "Todd?  Are you all right?"


He opened his eyes, and said, "It's hard to let go, Blair.  When I think about it, I just want to smash something.  I want to hurt someone.  I have to fight not to."


She propped up on her elbow.  "Well, you haven't smashed anyone or anything.  But I think you might need to talk to Ray, Todd.  You really didn't deal with this very much.  You tried, and then everything when haywire..."  she stopped, and then said, "with me and the baby."


He said, "You and the baby came first.  That's how it should be."


"You're still dreaming of being Carlo, questioning what kind of man you are, worrying about me hiding things from you.  It's not over for you, and I just want to say..." she choked up, "You did everything for me, Todd.  You were my rock, you were my direct line to sanity.  I never could have made it through all this without you.  I want to be there for you, now.  Please, let me do that."


When she said these words, everything rushed toward him in a spiral that he could not stop.  He seemed to stare off, as if looking at an imaginary screen.  Fight as he did, the images continued to swirl toward him in vivid clips of his life:  No, Dad, don't!  He stared at the lighter...Pushed to his knees, and kicked over onto his back, he could feel Peter hoisting him onto his stomach by his legs...he was on top of Marty, and she bit him, on the neck, and he laughed, ignoring her cries...."This is my house, and you are my wife.  You don't tell me what to do."  Throwing Blair on the bed, and undid his belt....pain seared through his back, as he grabbed the silver Celtic cross in his hand, and tearing it from his neck, called out her name, "Blair"...he paid Zeus to help him take Starr away, to hurt her, to pay her back for sleeping with Patrick, while he was away...."I wanted to say I'm sorry.  350 years in prison clouded my judgment." Viki's face was holding back tears in response..."Get rid of him,"  he studied the little beautiful baby boy's face, and repeated his directions to Paloma...Trapped.  He was inside the tomb, his father's corpse lying beside him, he couldn't breathe, he was bound....He woke up, his hands fastened to the chair, he was in white, and the pain, the pain.  Don't push that button again!  He disappeared into his safe place, catatonic...no one could hurt him...  Can't feel him cutting me.  He's peeling me, it probably hurts...I'll fade away....he cut me, he burned me and he raped me, Blair....my little girl is dead...


He jumped, covering his ears, "Stop!" he said, aloud, and clung to her like a child.  


"Shhhh, it's okay,"  she said, holding him.  The sun warmed them, and she undid his ponytail, letting all of his hair flow freely.  She moved her fingers through it, and noticed its appearance was of spun gold in places and chestnut silk in others.  Her heart broke for him, but at the same time, she knew he needed this emotional release and comfort that only she could give him.  He had been so focused on her, and so caring for her needs, that she almost forgot what he had been through.  She caressed every part of him, starting at his hair and working down.  She massaged his shoulders and told him softly all of her promises, that she was there, and not going anywhere.  She kissed his forehead, and moved herself across from him on the blanket, and kissed his eyes, then his scar and his mouth, gently.  


After what seemed a long time, he caught his breath, and let go of her, pulling back.  "I don't want to be like this, Blair.  Not anymore."  He wiped his eyes on his sleeve.


"You won't.  We'll face it, together.  You told me I'd heal.  You will, too."


He suddenly thought of Timothy, who had been consumed by rage enough to betray the love of the new family he had found.  He wondered how he would ever find the words to tell her about their 'surrogate father.'  "I don't want to end up all hate and nothing else."  


"You can't.  You love too deeply for that."


He looked into her eyes, facing her on the blanket, and said, softly, "Help me, Blair.  You always clear the voices in my head.  Don't leave me, though God knows, you've had enough reason.  Don't let me be like them."


"I don't have to help you, Todd.  You're not like them, I promise you.  Now, come here," she said, slightly opening her mouth and bringing it to cover his.   


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