To Journey's End Part Nine

Beth sat with him until the medicine took affect. “Todd are you feeling any better?”

Todd looked at her, “A little bit, what was in those pills, I feel a little light headed.“

“They’re anti-anxiety pills, they should be making you feel more relaxed.”

“I feel a little fuzzy, is that okay?”

“That’s the way they work, now how about letting me fix your wrists? Why don’t you just lie back and close your eyes, if you’re feeling light headed. I’ll be a gentle as possible.”

Todd nodded and laid his head back, closing his eyes at her suggestion. He felt her pick up his hand, a part of him wanted to watch her but the medicine seem to take that want away. It was easier to just lie there.

Beth carefully spread some more antibacterial ointment on his wounds and bandaged them making quick work of his wrists then she moved to his ankles. She unwrapped them and frowned. They were redder and showed signs of infection. Whether he liked it or not, another antibiotic shot was going to be necessary. “How are you doing Todd?”

“I’m fine,” he felt a little punch drunk, whatever had been in those pills sure took the edge off. He giggled a little. “Hey watch it. I’m ticklish there.”

Beth smiled. She had been trying to determine if his reflexes were still receptive and had run her penlight up the bottom of his foot. It had reacted correctly. She got up and went to get the antibiotic, returning, she sat by him. “Todd I need to give you some more antibiotic. You have an infection starting around your ankles. It’s a shot, because it will get into your system faster. I want to make sure you’re okay with that.”

At that particular moment Todd was good with anything Beth wanted to do. “Go ahead Beth, I’m just peachy.”

His words were a little slurred and Beth breathe a sigh of relief, the medicine had definitely come in handy. She swabbed his upper arm and gave him the shot quickly before he could register that she was giving it to him. Then she went back to work on his ankles, coating them once more with salve and bandaging them, like she had his wrists. “Okay Todd, I’m going to let you just rest here and I’ll go make us some breakfast. Sam went into the office early. He’s going to see what he can find out about you and your past.”

Todd watched her leave. She really did remind him of his mother Bitsy. It felt kind of good to be taken care of. Images and memories of hospital stays floated through his mind but he couldn’t really grasp onto them. He recalled Blair standing beside his hospital bed after he had been knifed. She had been there for him when no one else had

.

That changed and it was his turn standing by Blair. Holding her because …for a moment the memory eluded him and then it hit. He was holding her because she had lost their first baby during a mugging. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut forcing the sad memory away. His thoughts were interrupted by the smell of something good and he opened his eyes to see Beth standing beside him with a large tray of food. “You know, I could have come to the kitchen to eat.”

“You could have, but since I gave you that medicine, I didn’t want you to get dizzy and fall. Your body has been through quite a lot and I’m not taking any chances. Todd, don’t complain, just sit up and eat something . She set the tray down on the table beside the bed and moved it so Todd could sit on the edge of the bed and eat. It was then he realized her plate was on the tray too.

Todd smiled at her and started eating the eggs and bacon on the plate, it had been so long since he had had a breakfast this good. The last thing he remembered eating at the place where he had been held, was some kind of hot something. All he recalled was that it was grainy and had butter in it, but the taste had been disgusting. When he tried to refused it they had forced it down him. Force feeding him had only been one of the ways they had kept him fed. Several times when he awoke and became aware, he had awaken to find a feeding tube down his nose. They had been determined to keep him alive. Todd closed his eyes once again trying to force the bad memories down. He felt a gentle hand on his and looked to find Beth looking at him sorrowfully.

“Todd, if you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen. I know we haven’t known each other that long but I’d like to be your friend. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand, but I’m also a doctor and I promise to keep whatever you tell me private just between you and me. I won’t even tell Sam unless you say it’s all right.”

Todd looked at her, she knew so much already. He had to tell somebody. It was tearing him apart inside. “I don’t even know where to start. So much of it is fuzzy or jumbled up in my head until something stirs a memory. Like now. I was reminded about what they fed me while I was there. Last night was the first meal I’d had that looked like real food and tasted like it, since I found myself there. I don’t even know where there was. I had no idea of how much time passed or even how long I had been there until they told me the other day.” his hand began shaking and he put his fork down. “Beth, how could I have been there eight years and not known it?”

“Todd I have a feeling you were catatonic for a lot of it. You know what that is, right?”

Todd winced, he knew what it was. So that was what he had been doing when he hid, he had withdrawn into his head. “You mean I withdrew to avoid what was happening.”

“Correct. It very probably saved both your life and your sanity. I know they shocked you and from the looks of your scars they did it numerous times throughout the years.” Todd had taken her hand into his and was gripping it rather tightly. She moved her hand ever so slightly and he loosened his grip with an apologetic look in his eyes. “During those times of catatonia, you had no sense of time as we know it. So when you would awake, it felt to you like no time had passed. It amazes me you are even here talking and acting normal. I’ve seen men totally break down after what you’ve been put through and they’re still unable to cope with any semblance of life to this day.”

“I’m not coping, I’m existing.” replied Todd . He didn’t feel strong, it annoyed the hell out of him that he had wimped out and fled into his mind.

Beth heard the anger in his voice. “There you see, that’s what I mean. You’re mad aren’t you, not just at the people who held you but you’re mad at yourself. You think that you let yourself down when you went catatonic. Don’t do that.”

“Why not. I was too weak to fight them. I took the easy way out.”

“No, you took the smart way out. You protected yourself and your mind during those times and it gave you the time you needed to heal yourself. Those times help you keep your memories. Sure they used whatever means they could to keep your body alive, so I’m guessing they wanted you for something. I don’t know why they hurt you but I do know they didn’t break you. And it’s because of your unique ability.”

Todd laughed weakly, “You mean it’s because I’m already crazy.”

Beth frowned she knew he was convinced there was something seriously wrong with him and if she had to guess, she was sure that Todd had had a lifetime of troubles that undoubtedly affected his mental state, but he wasn’t crazy. “I didn’t say that. Nor do I think that’s true. I do think you’ve been through a lot of trauma and its going to affect you in ways yet to be determined but I do not, for one minute, believe you’re crazy.”

Todd wanted to believe her, he wanted to know he could move past the terrors and confusion and get his life back on track. He looked deep into her eyes and saw she meant what she said. She didn’t think he was crazy. “I ...Beth ..I’m scared. I want to go home, wherever that is and I want to hold my wife and my children. But it’s been so long. They probably think I’m dead. These men who held me, they still want me. Can I go home without bringing trouble with me?”

“I don’t know, but Sam is trying to get information on you and on the men who came into town yesterday. Todd, you were tortured and that’s a crime in this country. Sam is going to be trying to find where they held you. Who knows what kind of stuff they’re up to in that place but I’m betting it’s illegal and should be shut down.”

Tortured. Hearing the word so bluntly was a shock. Todd gulped as bile rose in his throat threatening him with loosing what he had just eaten. He reached an unsteady hand and gripped his coffee cup bringing it to his lips and taking a sip. The warm liquid flowed down his throat and stopped the feeling of nausea. He took another gulp and straightened his shoulders, tilting his head from side to side to loosen his neck muscles.

As soon as she had said the word, Beth had wished she could take it back. The blood had drained from Todd’s face and he had looked sick. Would he be able to hold it together? Beth watched and noted how his hand steadied. She smiled. “You’re a very strong man Todd. Stronger then you think. You’re going to go home and you will see your family. You’re a survivor.”

Todd made an attempt to smile at her. “I hope you’re right. Beth.”

“I know I am. Do you want some more coffee?”

“I’m good,” He picked up his fork and ate the last few bites on his plate. “thanks.”

Beth got up, picking up her plate and was surprised when Todd started to grab his and get up too. “Whoa, what do you think you’re doing?”

Todd looked surprised. “I was going to take my plate to the kitchen.”

“I’m perfectly capable of carrying the whole tray and as much as I appreciate the gesture. I would rather you sit back down and let that medicine clear your system. Whether you want to admit it or not. You’re still sick.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that, he had just wanted to do the right thing. Viki was always getting after him for his bad manners. Viki, his sister, she had just come to mind so easily. He set the plate down as he dropped back on the bed. He watched as Beth gathered the tray and started to leave. “My sister keeps telling me I should be more helpful. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

Beth stopped at his words and turned around. “You didn’t make me upset. I just wasn’t expecting it. What’s your sister’s name?”

“Viki.”

“That’s it just Viki? Is she older or younger than you?”

“Older, she was best friends with my mother.” Todd thought briefly about the moment Viki told him about Irene. He had no idea at that time just how perverted his real father was.

“Wait a minute, that means your father …” Beth’s voice trailed off.

“You can say it. My father screwed someone young enough to be his daughter. I can remember that kind of memory with no trouble at all. Great memory, huh? It’s one I’d love to forget forever.” Todd couldn’t stop the hatred he felt toward his father. He was also haunted by a vague memory of his father’s tomb. He shook his head. I don’t want to go there. Come on Todd. Let it go. He looked over to find Beth staring at him sadly. “Sorry Beth, it’s just not good topic for me. Now, my sister. She’s the greatest. I can’t really go into it but we’re close despite our ages. I trust her.”

“Where does she live?”

Todd replied “She lives in …” For one brief moment he thought he had it. “Llan..Llanfair? No that’s not quite right.” Looking at his fingers he began his litany. “I have a daughter her name is Starr, Starr’s mother is Blair. I have a sister, her name is Viki, I trust her above all others. Viki lives...they live...” His head bowed and his shoulders started to shake. “Why can’t I remember. Why?”

Beth put the tray back down and went to Todd and wrapped her arms around him to give him some comfort. “Shh, it will come back to you. You mustn’t get discouraged.” She held him until the shaking stopped.

His eyes filled with pain looked into hers and saw hope and belief in what she said. “Please be right. I need you to be right.”

“Todd Manning, you didn’t hang on and fight all these years for nothing. I firmly believe what I’m saying.” She took his face in her hands the way Blair used to. “It’s your turn, tell me you believe its going to be all right.”

Todd took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “It’s going to be all right. I’m going to get them back.”

Beth smiled and he smiled back at her. “See, I told you you were strong, now no more backsliding.”

“Yes ma’am,” Todd responded seriously.

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