The Way Back: Chapter 17

A hot shower never felt as good to him as it did that day in Viki's West Wing, where she had set aside several rooms for his use.  He at first had asked for the attic, and she wouldn't hear of it.  He wasn't banishing himself, in fact, he relished the idea of visiting every place he had been before and sitting with the memories of it surrounding him.  But, he agreed to one end of the wing, and started off by bathing in the marble-adorned master bath.  He loved this particular shower; it had a rain nozzle, and he felt comforted, as if standing in warm rainfall.  He had asked for dinner in his room, needing time to think and sort things out.  He wanted to search for Ray Martino a bit, think over the events at the cabin, look at some of the photo books Blair had given him to take with him, and jot down some questions he had about them so he would remember to ask.

Starting to put on fresh clothes, he had inadvertently left the door slightly ajar, and in passing, Viki caught a quick glimpse of him before knocking while coming to bring him his tray.  She stopped short.  Feeling both nausea and sadness, she fought the little bit of unintentional guilt for her voyeurism when she saw him without his shirt, his back covered in scars and marks that she had never seen before.  Some were new, raw, healing, others were older, fading.  She also noticed as he buttoned his shirt, that both wrists had marks on them as well.  She couldn't tell if they were cuts, burns or abrasions, but she quickly stepped back into the shadows so that he would not see her or feel compelled to talk about any of it.  Closing her eyes to gain composure, she feigned approach.  "Todd, here comes that dinner you wanted!"  Then, gently pushed the door open with her foot.

"Hey sis, thanks a lot.  I meant to have the servants bring it, or I could have gotten it myself."

"No, then I'd miss out on a chance to see you."  She gently kissed his cheek.

"What was that for?"

"For being missed.  For being my brother."  She sat on the side chair by the window.  "How are you, Todd, really?"

"I'm ok, Sis.  I am.  I miss my family, but until I am ready, I don't want to have them subjected to me.  In fact, I don't even want you to be involved, but I don't know where else to go right now."

"Oh never mind, with all the space in this place that is not full, you're pretty much in solitude here.  I believe that is what you need.  After being separated from them for so long, it just seems that if you had the fortitude to be with them, you certainly would.  But, Todd, my curiosity is hounding me.  What did happen at the cabin to make you change your mind?"

He briefly recounted to her the events of the last few days.  She was moved.  "Well, my dear brother, that does not make you a danger.  It was accidental.  But I respect your wishes."

He smiled at her, and sat down looking at his tray.  "Thanks, Sis, what's under this fancy silver dome?"

"One of your favorites."

He lifted it.  A personal-sized pizza.  "How did you know I've been wanting this?  Only you would put it under sterling."

"A little birdie named Blair told me.  You know, Todd, I realize that you've slowed things down a bit with her, but she clearly loves you very much."

He didn't look up from his tray.  "I love her too, Viki, you know that.  I always have.  Through it all, it's been her for me."

She smiled as well.  He was right.  She reflected for a moment on how fortunate they were to have another chance, but her face also clouded over, remembering his wounds.  It made her feel slightly sick.

"What's up?  You look weird, like you ate a bad clam."

"It's nothing.  Nothing that time won't heal."  She stood to leave the room but went to him first.  "If you need anything, and I mean anything at all," she lifted his chin to adjust his gaze to her face, "you ask.  Call for me.  Use the intercom.  No matter what time of the day or night.  Don't go it alone, Todd.  It never worked before and I daresay it won't this time either."

As she walked out, he thought about her words, carefully chosen as always.  He had missed her lectures and speeches so much.  Her voice had been a guiding light to him, along with Blair's melodic one, when he was in the darkest places.

After eating, he did a little research on the computer that Viki had loaned him and discovered that Ray was no longer working at Statesville.  Manning, what were you thinking?  That was almost 20 years ago.  20 years.  Had it been that long since he was at Statesville?  He realized it had been two decades.  It was sort of silly thinking things would stay the same.

He grabbed his jacket and decided to go out for a drink.  Sometimes, he had done his best thinking at the stool of a bar.  And, he needed to get out and exercise the freedom he had.  Being in that room alone was a little too confining.  Another reason to not be with the kids right now, he needed to be able to shut down when he wanted and go where he pleased when it pleased him.  Just for now.

Todd walked into the familiar doorway and sighed.  The glowing neon sign seemed eerily the same.  He touched the glass window covering in, tracing the familiar "R" with his fingers.  Rodi's.  What that place had meant to him over the years; from living there, to meeting the love of his life, to hearing her voice sing out to him for the first time.  He went inside.  Need a drink, so I can relax and figure some things out.  Besides, this is my place.  Or one of them.

The whole interior had changed.  He almost did not recognize it.  But the sign was there, and strangely, the people and the commotion seemed timeless.  He sauntered to the bar and sat, looking through his breast pocket to be certain he had the money Viki had loaned him.  Then, a voice said, "What can I get you?"  And when he looked up, there was John McBain.

"Fancy meeting you here.  You sidelining as a bartender?  I know cops don't make a lot but, this is a little strange even for me."

"I own it,"  John said.

"You own it."  And despite himself, he laughed.  "Amazing."

"I already know what this place means to you.  I'm familiar with your past here.  From Blair."

He stopped a moment and stared at his hands.  "Blair.  Yeah, she knows what this place means to me." 

"To both of you," he said, moving down the bar, and wiping out some glasses.  It wasn't very busy.  Todd looked up and realized it was after 1:00 a.m. on a Sunday evening.  Not the hopping time for bar visits.  "Can I get you something?  Won't be serving much longer."

He ordered a double scotch on the rocks.  McBain placed it in front of him and leaned on the bar.  "You finding your way around Llanview okay?"

"I lived here a lot of my life.  Sure.  The more things change . . ."

"The more they stay the same."  McBain finished.

"Right.  I was looking for someone earlier.  Let's just say he doesn't hang out where he used to."

"Oh, what, does he owe you money or something?"

"No."  He sipped.  "He was my therapist.  And my friend, I guess."

John felt another twang of sympathy.  The guy had his life robbed, his wife married and romanced by an impostor, his kids raised by someone else, his freedom taken, and his own body battered and used as a means to an end, whatever that end was.  And, from experience, he knew what excessive stress and pain could do to someone.  Loss was written all over the guy.

"Why don't I help you out?"

"You're a therapist too?  First a cop, then a bartender, and now this?"  He feigned being impressed.

"I might be able to find him for you.  I have access to records, whereabouts.  What do you think?"

Todd wasn't sure what to think.  He studied the other man, and read pity in his eyes.  Not his favorite thing to be on the receiving end of, but it was probably what looking at him brought out in people at this point.  "Okay."  He took a napkin and a pen and wrote down Ray's information.  Awkwardly, "Thanks."

Taking the napkin from him, John had opened a beer for himself.  "What brings you out so late on a Sunday night?"

"Just needed to get out.  I'm sort of, I have a little trouble being in small, enclosed places for a long stretch."

John moved down the bar again, wiping the surface with a cloth.  "I heard you were up at Viki's cabin for a few days.  That's not enclosed?"

"It's a little different when you're not alone."

"Ah, Blair."

"Yes, Blair."

"Beautiful woman."

"Yep,"  he drank.

"She loves you, Manning."

"She does."

"But,"

"But I'm not ready.  Too much bad stuff up here."  He pointed to his temple.  "I don't want to hurt anyone, especially the kids."

"She kind of mentioned it.  She stopped by here, oh not an hour before you.  She was looking for you, it seemed."  He put his beer down, and started wiping a few more glasses.  "Don't let her go.  She wants to be part of whatever it is you're going through.  She can hold her own, believe me."

"How do you know so much?"

"Let's just say we're really close friends."

Todd swallowed more scotch.  "How close?"

"Like we were married.  But, before you get upset or jealous, you have to know she did it to get the kids away from the other guy."

Todd, who was initially angered, laughed.  "Did it work?"

"Yep."

"She's...that's Blair."

"Just keep in mind what I said.  No charge for the drink.  It's on me, this time."  Todd got up from the stool and John continued, "Oh, and Manning?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you know that Tea, the other guy, and Ross Rayburn's daughter left town earlier today?"

Todd stood staring.  "No, I hadn't heard anything about that."

"Just up and went, into thin air."

"Okay.  So what are you thinking?  You're not like every other Llanview cop and wanting to put every crime on my rap sheet?"

"No.  What I actually was thinking was that this makes you Todd Manning.  In my book, why else would the coward leave here?  He must know he's defeated."

Todd thought about it for a moment.  "I don't know.  I don't know the guy.  Can't say I want to."

"Seems he wouldn't be going anywhere if he were you, would he?  I mean for all intents and purposes."

"Right.  For all intents and purposes."  He turned to go.  "Thanks, for the drink, of course."

"Of course."

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