The Way Back: Chapter 21

Todd took one look at the address and was very surprised.  Mountainview Sanitarium.  The more things change . . .

He made his way to Mountainview, via city bus, and had to transfer over several times to different routes before he got there.  It was large and looming in the distance as he stood at the bottom of the hill, and sauntered up a long driveway, leading to a stone path that met a white six-panel door.  He went in, and was met with a broad, grand lobby with a very large staircase that veered to the left like a mansion.  His expression must have been rather tell-tale, because a woman in a suit greeted him with "I know, everyone looks at that staircase the same way.  Hello.  I'm Phoebe Wallingford."

"Hello."  He took her extended hand.

"So nice to meet you, Mister...?"

"Manning."

"Ah, Mr. Manning..."

A familiar voice came from behind him.  "Phoebe.  Can you let our visitor find his way now?  Go back to recreation and I'll speak with you later."

"Yes, Doctor,"  she said, hurrying along.

Todd turned quickly to see a familiar face, framed by graying hair at the temples.  It was Ray, who said, "Todd!  Good to see you!"  And took his hand, which he shook vehemently.  "It's been years.  What brings you here?"

"You do.  I was hoping . . . "  Todd stopped, feeling the ground coming closer.  He quickly fought with all his might to stop himself from falling, and remembered Blair's voice, take deep breaths.

"Why don't we go into my office," Ray said, taking Todd under the elbow to support him.  He lead him to a wheelchair.  

"I'm okay.  Really.  Just for a moment...I thought....I thought I might pass out."

"Well you didn't.  But we can get you a chair, no problem."

"I think I am okay now, but thanks."

"All right, come this way then."  They walked along a long hallway, and then turned left at the end of it.  Ray had a beautiful office, with a view of the long lush lawn.  "Quite a bit different than Statesville, right?"

"Yeah.  Quite."  He looked around.  He saw an inviting leather chair and sat in it.

"Was just going to say, go ahead and sit where ever you like.  What brings you here Todd, aside from me?"

He didn't know where to begin.  So much time had passed.  But for some reason, he felt at ease and at peace.  There was no fear of being judged; it was Ray Martino, after all.  "The long or the short version?"

"Whichever you prefer."

"Short.  I have PTSD from being held prisoner and tortured daily for eight years."

Ray's expression melted from calm acceptance to confused pity.  "Go on."

"What else is there to say?  I was kept away from my family.  Another guy came and took my place.  Raised my kids.  Married my wife.  Took my business.  Stole it all.  Then, he dumped my wife, married my ex, and took up house with her.  And me, I can't sleep, I have nightmares, I fear I am a danger to my loved ones."

"Hold on, Todd, go back one step.  Who ended up to be the lucky lady?"

"Blair."

"Blair?  Wow.  Imagine?  I can still remember her coming to visit you before you were acquitted of raping Rebecca.  In fact, she was part of getting Marty to be your alibi, right?"  

"That's her.  She's the love of my life, Ray."

"That's beautiful, Todd.  Really.  I can remember times you felt you had no hope of loving someone who could love you in return."

"Well, what's not beautiful is how I act when I go into these fits or whatever they are.  Noises can set me off, or flashes, or sometimes even just things or memories.  And I have really bad nightmares, reliving things, or episodes where I am awake and dreaming at the same time."

"I see."  He was taking notes.  "Do you want to tell me what you meant by torture?"

Todd took a deep breath.  "Electricution, burns, drugs, and some guys got off on using cigarettes, heated nails.  Anything to mark me up.  There's more, just..."

"Todd, you've been through a lot.  It's a wonder you're here right now."

"I guess it is, yeah."

"And you said 'kids.'  You have children?"

"Yes, Blair and I have two, and she has one that belongs to The Impostor.  I love him though, he's a great kid.  You should also know that I was in and out of catatonia throughout those eight years, and that I've had bouts of it before."

"All right, do you want to tell me more about that?"

"Not today, if you don't mind.  I was hoping you could do something to just help the nightmares while we're working on all this crap.  I get panicked.  I feel sometimes like I am going to jump out of my skin.  Other times, I fade away, like I am somewhere else.  Or, I might relive something that happened, in broad daylight, even thought it's not the time or place.  Do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah.  This is classic PTSD stuff and it's totally treatable."

"I accidentally pushed my daughter over a coffee table, because I thought she was one of the tormenters."

"Again, natural reaction for a person with PTSD.  Nothing unusual about it.   You've been through prolonged trauma.  Stop beating yourself up, Todd, and just accept it as an illness that has to be cured. "

"I'll try."

"We'll start slow, After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions."

"How?"

"You're going to have to face your pain concerning the experiences you've had.  It's really the only way."

"I feel like my whole life has been one trauma after another, actually.  But maybe we can start with the older things.  The torture is fresh; it really plays on my head, Ray."

"Of course it does.  And whatever comes up is a good place to start.  Don't try and plan it out, it will come naturally as we begin."

"All right.  Then let's get going.  The faster I get over this, the better I'll be."

"Why don't we start now?  I have a free hour.  If you're ready?"

"I think I am.  Anything to help me get past this."

***

Blair went to the phone to answer it.  "Hello?"

"Hi, Blair, come get me.  Please."

"Todd, where are you?"

"I'm at Mountainview.  I found Ray.  Thing is, I know I can't make it home the way I got here.  Please.  I'm...I'm not right, Blair."

"Oh, it's all right, yes, right away.  Let me talk to Ray."

"Ray Martino."

"Hi, this is Blair, I'm Todd's wife, well, I was...is he all right?"

"He's had a rough time of it.  But it's all progress.  He needs you, though, he's too exhausted to ride the bus and make all those transfers.  Besides, he's emotionally fatigued and needs support."

"I'll be right there."  She hung up.  Luckily, her surprise was all ready.  It had taken all of the time they had been back from the cabin to get it just right.  She hoped it would lessen the pain from his session, at least for a little while.  She'd never been so excited to share something with someone before.  She grabbed her purse, the silk scarf and the keys and headed to the car for the drive to Mountainview.

***

As she drove into the drive, she reminded herself to be patient, cautious and positive.  She was worried about him, and tucked the silk scarf into her bag.  She also prepared herself to nix the surprise if he seemed unable to cope.  Getting out of the car, she trotted up the path in her heels and entered the large white door.  

Ray was in the lobby with Todd, waiting to greet her.  When she saw him, he appeared lost; his clothes were rumpled, he was covered in sweat, and his reactions to her were slow.  "Hi Blair," he weakly said.

She squatted in front of his chair.  Looking in his eyes, she said, "Hi."  She touched his cheek to get him to focus his eyes on her.  "Are you ready to go?"

"Yeah, I am."

"Blair, if I can say something.  It may get a bit worse before it gets better.  We're in the process of facing things.  It's hard for Todd right now."

"Well, I'll be there for him no matter what.  It was nice seeing you again, Ray."  She took Todd under the arm and they walked carefully.  By the time they got to the car, he was more upbeat and actually mentioned food.

"Blair, I have to eat."

"All right, where should we go?"

"McDonald's?"

"You?  McDonald's?"

"Anything.  I'm starving.  It feels....I need something to eat."

"All right, McDonald's it is, or whatever we see first."

"There's one on the way, I saw it."

After stopping in the drive through and watching him wolf two cheeseburgers and fries, she drove on.  When she entered the Llanview city limits, she pulled over and asked him to let her blindfold him.

"Sure," he said.  "I hope it's as kinky as I'm thinking."

"Todd!"  she playfully slapped his shoulder.

"Go ahead, blindfold me, Mata Hari."

She did.  And, excitedly, she started to drive him to the surprise.  "It's a surprise."

"All right.  I wonder what it is?"

"You'll find out."

"Todd?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you up to the surprise?  I mean, do you want to talk about the session?"

"Maybe later, okay?  And yes, I'm up to it."

"All right."

"Can you sing to me, Blair?"

"Yes.  What do you want to hear?"

"That crap song we used to hear all the time.  What is it?"

"Unforgettable?"

"Yeah that one."

Blair began to sing, her voice filling the car and making his soul stir.  He groped across the center console, and took her hand.  Her song soothed him until they stopped in front of their destination.  "We're here!"  she shouted.

"All right take this off me?"

"No, you have to wait.  Otherwise it will spoil the surprise.  Now wait, I'll come around that side and help you get out."

He obliged.  She opened his door, and directed him into a building.  They walked through what he assumed was the lobby, and got into an elevator.  "All right.  Now can I take off this blindfold?"

"Nope.  Not yet."

"It's actually not that bad, it smells just like you."

"Well good, keep sniffing then."

They exited the elevator when it stopped, and entered a hallway.  Then, he heard her turn a key and guide him through a doorway.  Then she said, "Okay open your eyes."

He instantaneously knew where he was.  A curving staircase off to the right set off a bank of glass windows overlooking the city.  The decor was exact, down to the smallest detail; black fireplace, black leather furniture, in minimalist style.  He turned and looked behind him, and there were the white french doors, and his favorite shade of blue paint walled the foyer.  He turned back to her.  "I don't know what to say, Blair."

"Say you love it?"

"How can I not love it?  This is..." he began walking to the windows at the far end of the apartment,  "this is our home.  Exactly how it was.  How did you do this?"

"I have my ways."  She plopped down on the leather couch and took in every moment of his experiencing the room.  She did her very best to recreate every bit of the penthouse, from the furniture that had still been in storage to the colors and decor.  She had spent a pretty penny, but after all, everything she financially had was a result of him and his support of her or The Impostor, using his money and building on his empire.

He stood, as customary, facing the city and overlooking it.  Overcome with emotion, he abruptly turned to her and said, "Come here."

She did what he asked, and skipped over, taking his arm and hugging it.  He moved her in front of him, and both of them stood looking out the glass, she in front of him, and he with his arms around her waist.  He pulled her closer.  "No one could ever have thought of a gift like this but you."

"Well, it's a gift to me, too, to see you this happy.  It reminds me of the old days.  You've got that brightness in your eyes," she said turning to him.

Without another moment of delay, she felt his hand slip against her lower abdomen, open, waiting for hers.  She immediately took it, as she always did, in their unspoken way of accepting each other.  For him, it meant she welcomed him, as it had for all the years he'd loved her.  She felt him pull her in by her waist to meet his mouth with hers.  Still holding her hand, he ran his thumb over her fingers, his other hand in her hair, holding her still as he kissed her with an intensity she instantly responded to and knew in her soul.  This was her Todd.  And fleetingly, she asked herself how she ever could have doubted him, or believed anyone else to be this man.  In the next few moments, they went from standing by the windowed wall to almost spinning with each other until she was against the railing of the curling staircase, with him, against her; powerful, fierce, unyielding.  Hers.

He explored her mouth with his tongue, and though sensibilities told him to stop, the rest of him simply couldn't.  Then, you're not ready for this.  Are you?  You know you're not.  Are you?  Are you?  He couldn't recognize this inner voice at first, and he momentarily pulled away from her, his hand still in her hair.  Listening to his mind, he recognized Peter Manning for a fleeting second, and then dismissed the sound of him.  In fact, all of the voices of the day and the session and the past slipped away, as he took both hands to the sides of her face, and going back to her mouth to gain every ounce of strength he needed.

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