The End of Blame: Chapter 4 (adult)

Jack and Orinia sat talking in the darkness, the small flashlight casting a dim glow over them.  Inside the blue caves, there was a slight trickle of water, here and there, and they began to get tired.


Jack had been telling her the story of his mother and father, and the things they had faced and overcome.  He held nothing back when describing their lives to her; he started from the very beginning of their love affair, from before Todd was in jail for a rape he did not commit, and Blair attempted to get him an alibi for that very night.  He detailed all of it and she was more than interested.  She said, "It's a beautiful love story, even though it has some very dark moments.  Your parents must love each other very much to continue through all of that."


"I guess you could say that."


"And your father, he's a very brave man.  Though he's made terrible mistakes, it seems he would be absolved, at least in part."


"Probably so.  He's also had a hard life," and he paused, "like you have."


"I have.  But it's all right, I was saved at the right time by my grandparents.  That is why it hurts me to have to leave my grandfather this way."


"Maybe there is another choice?" he offered.


"I don't know.  If there is, I have not thought of it."


Jack yawned.  "I am getting tired.  Sorry I talked so long."


"Don't apologize, Jahck.  It was a joy for me to hear.  It was like being at the movies without the pictures."


He took his phone out of his pocket again.  "Here.  Look at them."


He brought up a picture of Todd and Blair, and put it in her hand.  She sucked in a bit of air, and said, "My goodness.  I never thought...they are beautiful, Jahck.  Both of them.  Your mother is so pretty.  Your father, handsome.  I had a totally different scene in my head.  There is his scar.  He never had it removed?"


"A reminder, I guess.  Or something.  It's not like he does not have the money for the surgery."


"I see."  She studied them a moment longer.  "Well, I am pleased to meet them, this way."  She stretched a bit, then said, "We should sleep."


"How?"


"I don't know," she said, smiling.  Then she giggled, "It's a bit of a small boat, and you are a tall boy."


"I have an idea.  But you have to go with it, no funny stuff from me."


"All right, no funny stuff."


She watched as he lay back in the boat and put his arm out.  He said, "You lie right here."


She hesitated a moment, and then said, "No funny stuff?"


He smiled, shaking his head no.  She carefully crept next to him and rested on his chest, and he wrapped an arm around her.  "Comfortable?"


"It's perfect, Jahck.  Thank you."


Jack turned off the flashlight, and within moments, both of them were asleep.


***


Back at the hotel, Todd was on the balcony, watching the moon's reflection on the water.  Blair, now in the borrowed nightie, appeared at the door.  "Todd?  Sam's down.  He fell asleep right away.  Poor thing.  He keeps going on about showing us his camera.  He's missing Jack."


"He's not the only one."  She hadn't seen him this way in a while.  He was silent, pensive, and from what she could sense, at the verge of something.


"I miss him," she said, sitting next to Todd, and putting her arms through his.  Her head went to his shoulder.  She said, "I miss my babies so much."


He knew she was talking about Jack, but also about Little Ray and, of course, Sommer.  He said, "Let's fix at least part of that."  Taking his phone, he dialed.  He said, "Hey, Sister?  Ever been to Greece?  No, well..."  he covered the phone, and whispered, "she interrupted me."


He listened a bit longer, and then said, "I know, it would be.  She's not able to take Hope and come out here right now.  Would you?  Are you sure?  I'll send the jet.  Tomorrow morning, your time.  Thanks a lot, and Blair sends her love."  He hung up.  "Done."


"Ray's coming?  With Sister Rebecca Katherine?"


"Yep."


"Oh Todd, I love you!"


"I love you too, Babe, but don't tell people how nice I am.  It will damage my badass personae."  She rested her head back on his shoulder, and he put his on top of hers.


After a long silence, she said, "Is Jack all right?"


"You know he is.  If he weren't, we'd know.  We both would.  We would feel it."


"I sort of thought that, too, as soon as we set foot here.  I just hope he's safe."  She stood up, taking Todd with her.  "Let's go to bed.  It's late.  We need our energy for whatever comes tomorrow."


"Blair, I..."


"I know," she said, touching his face, "I know you're scared of what you might dream.  You're not fooling me.  But, I'll be right there, if you have one, I'll be here.  I promise."


He didn't doubt her, but he doubted he'd actually rest.  "Okay."  He said, decidedly.


"Okay,"  she repeated.  They climbed into bed, and she cradled his head on her breast, smoothing his hair.  She undid the ponytail he had, and placed the elastic on the bed table.  She hoped her presence and her touch would calm his sleep.  Thinking, she stared at the ceiling, imagining her son, somewhere in Greece, possibly lost or frightened, but none of those images would not take hold.  Instead, she imagined him sleeping on the beach, curled up in the warm sand.  She was suddenly not afraid for him.  


When her mind went to Sam, she turned her head to see his little body on the couch, where they had set up a little sleeping area.  He was sleeping soundly, holding his Spiderman doll under his arm.  She wouldn't think of Sommer; that would be too much.  She had to be strong for Todd, and she wouldn't let her dead daughter's image move into her mind.  Instead, she focused on the feel of Todd's body against her, his beautiful, soft hair in her fingers, and his arm draped over her, like armor.  After Todd fell asleep, Blair slipped out of the bed, and carried Sam over to the suite, where she tucked him into his own bed.  She feared Todd's nightmares and knew, if they were exacerbated by the stress of Jack's disappearance, they could scare Sam.  He'd worked with Ray, tried to overcome, but still, his rest was never rest.  She wondered if he were doomed to have terror at night for the rest of his life.


In the deep, dark recesses of the night, Blair woke to hear voices.  It took a few minutes before she realized it was Todd's voice, and that he was speaking in a dream.  "No, stop, don't touch them,  You'll never hurt them.  Never," he said.  She remembered to work gradually at waking him, and not be abrupt, but when she began to rouse him, he jumped up, in one movement and was out of the bed, standing beside it.  He shouted in a bellowing voice she'd not heard for years, "Get away from me!"


Unexpectedly, Sam had just appeared at the adjoining door, and screamed, "Mommy!"  Blair flicked the lights on, and Todd, now fully awake, realized the scene and instinctively went to Sam, who cowered back from him.  "Mommy!" he said again, and ran to her.  Blair, like lightening, moved to hold her son.  Putting her arms around him, she held out her hand out to Todd, who was mortified.  He came toward them.  Sam said, "Mommy, why was Dad yelling at you?  I'm scared."


Todd's face expressed everything she needed to know about his dream and his feelings about Sam's fear.  She said, "Daddy was just dreaming, Sam.   You've had bad dreams, remember?"


He nodded, and moved against her closer.  Todd, trying to push away memories from his nightmare, attempted to deal with the little boy's fear.  He said, "Yeah, Buddy, I had a really bad dream that The Green Goblin was taking you away from me."


Sam moved away from Blair a little, and through tears, he said, "You did?"


"I did.  I'll tell you, it was a really scary dream.  I didn't mean to scare you, though."


The little boy sniffled.  "That's okay, Dad.  I wouldn't like that dream, either."


"No, it was..." he stopped, his throat catching, "pretty bad.  I don't want to lose you or your Mom."


"Or Jack?"


"Or Jack."


"Or Ray?"


"Or Ray."


Blair said, "Come on now, back to sleep."  She fussed over him a few minutes, and saw Todd head outside to the balcony again.  She rocked Sam a bit in her arms, and then caressing his head until he closed his eyes, she waited for him to be totally asleep again, and knocked on Viki's adjoining door.


Viki answered within moments.  "Yes, Blair, what is it?"


"I'm so sorry, Viki, but Sam's got to sleep in here.  Todd's...well, Todd doesn't sleep well."


Viki's face showed both acceptance and sadness.  "I understand," she said, and Blair hoisted her son into her arms and carried him into the next room.  Placing him in the second bed in Viki's suite, she kissed his forehead and crept out.  Viki closed the door behind her, but not before saying, "Take care of my brother, Blair."


Blair looked into Viki's eyes and said, "Always.  I do the best I can."


Back in their room, Blair went to the balcony, and stood behind Todd, who was looking at the moon again.  She said, "Don't say anything, Todd.  You're not leaving us."


"I wasn't going to say that," he lied, "but I'm screwing everyone up, Blair."


"It was a nightmare.  Shit happens."  He turned to her, quickly, and she shot him a smile, saying,  "We're in this together.  I've had nightmares.  You know that."


"Yeah, yours don't scare our kids."


"That's because they weren't there.  And, okay, you have a bigger mouth."


He smirked a little, then his face turned back to revealing his low spirits.  He said, "I don't know how to stop it.  It's getting worse."


She said, "I do," and she kissed him, pulling him closer to her.


He said, "I don't know if that will work, on these."


"Do you want to talk about it?"


He didn't answer, taking her hand.  They both sat in the wicker lounge furniture provided by the hotel, and looked at each other in the light of the moon.  He said, "I keep seeing myself as Carlo, sometimes as Leona.  Sometimes I see myself as Peter.  What if I am really like them, I mean really deep down like them?"


"That's silly, because you're not."


He paused.  He studied her hand, interlocked with his.  "Sometimes I think..." he looked at her face, and traced the outline of her cheek with his finger, "I think I'd never be human at all, if it weren't for you."


"That's not true.  You're human all the time, every day."


"I'm scared of who I am, Blair.  I hurt people.  You even said that to me, a long time ago."


"Exactly, a long time ago.  I haven't said it recently, have I?"


"I'm afraid that if something goes wrong, I'll snap, or I'll hurt you.  I still get scared about that, every day."


"You won't.  You love us."


"Everyone talks about how strong I am.  How brave.  How I came out of it a whole person.  How the average man wouldn't have come out of it sane.  Blah, Blah.  It might be true, but it's only because I was already insane to begin with.  That's how I feel, sometimes.  I think they might be wrong.  What if I didn't come out of it sane?  What if I'm crazy enough to..."


"Shhh."  She pulled him toward her.  "Stop.  The dreams don't mean that.  They're showing you that you are afraid of being those men, not that you are them."


"Why not?  I've raped, I've killed.  I've hurt.  How am I so different?"


"Because you've loved.  You've saved.  You've cared.  I don't think you've ever heard how I really see you."  He looked at her, with the expression of a frightened boy.  She said, "Do you want to know?"


He didn't respond, so she took his hand and placed it on her heart.  "You're my hero, Todd.  Regardless of all this.  But you're a different kind of hero.  You're the kind who acts out of his own pain.  You do things to protect us from the pain you endured.  You put yourself at risk, so we won't be.  There's just an abused boy, in there, who never resolved his own torment.  You deserve something very grand, and only you can give it."


His eyes were shining, and he spoke in a soft hush with such longing, she thought her heart would break.  "What is it?" as if he were desperate for the answer.


She said, "It's forgiveness, Todd.  You've never forgiven yourself.  Every part of you.  All of you is waiting."  She paused, moving to the edge of her seat, so that her feet could rest between his, and her legs could touch his, "I've given you mine for the times you hurt me.  Jack has forgiven you for giving him away.  Marty has even given you hers.  You're the only one.  You can't forgive these men that hurt you, and you can't forgive yourself for hurting."  She cocked her head to the side, and said, voice cracking, "That's gotta hurt you so much, in here." She pointed to his chest.


His face was bluish in the moon, as hers was.  Not knowing how to respond to her, he grabbed her face with both of his hands and kissed her until she was breathless.  When they pulled apart, she stood a moment, and lifted her borrowed nightdress, and straddled him on the lounge chair.  The moon was still bathing them in white edges.  She moved her hand to him, and pulled him out of his boxers, and touched him, gently, kissing the corners of his mouth.  He said, "You keep me sane."


"All right, so I do.  Like you do for me.  So what?"  She said, kneading him until he was perfectly stiff.  She moved his hand onto her breast, and closed her eyes.  She lifted herself and moaned as she slid onto him in one long stroke.  A groan escaped him and he closed his eyes, tipping his head back.  She said, "Just feel me, and feel good, Todd," making love to him in the moonlight, their mouths and tongues connected more and more with each up and down.  


Between kisses, she let her head hang back as well, and just then, he looked up at her.  She was a silver and white goddess over him, and he momentarily forgot what he had to forgive himself for.  Instead, his mind became all about her; her body, feeling so warm and tight around him; her face, smooth and moonlit in its ecstasy; her mouth, touching his between the swings of her hair, and her breasts, pointing outward toward him.  He moved his hand to one of them, sloping toward him under the sheer, white material, and rubbed his thumb over it.


She brings me to life.  Her love gives me everything.  Please, don't take her from me.


He wasn't sure who he was talking to in his mind, but he waited, as the feeling of pressure and pleasure built inside him.  He wanted to hear her voice, call to him, or tell him how he made her feel.  She leaned toward him and licked his tongue with hers, whispering, "I want you so much."  Her hands pressed against his shoulders to help her move vertically onto and off of him, and her gasps were becoming more urgent as the speed increased.


He used his strength to bring her off him and swept her into his arms.  Her nightie taken from her within minutes, he brought her to the bed.  Pulling her to the edge of the bed, and kneeling before her, he brought her to a frenzied end with his tongue before thrusting back inside her.  This time, seeing her come down from her pleasure high, he pushed into her more urgently, telling her, in whispers, what he was physically nearing.  She knew exactly who he was and what he wanted, so she gently leaned up toward him, and said, "feel us, my love."


That was all he needed to push him to his finality, and he burst inside her like no other release.  He moaned and his muscles convulsed; she pulled him into her, deeper, as he came.  Quivering between her legs, he finally let himself lie on top of her.  She bought her knees up higher, and let him rest there, pulling him closer, and said, "Stay.  Always."         


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