The End of Blame: Chapter 13

John, having been unable to sleep, tossed and turned in the moonlight.  He had called Natalie several hours before, and checking the time, knew it was still a good time to phone her.  Sitting up in the dark, he got the cell from his pants which were strewn across the chair absently.  She answered, "Hey."


He said, "Hey.  Everything all right?"


"Sure.  You just called us."


"I know.  I can't sleep."


"I was just going to say, it's the middle of the night there."


"Oh.  Is it?"


"John, what's wrong?"


"Is Liam up?  I just....I miss him."  He wasn't sure what the aching in his chest was, but the absence of Liam, leaning against it in his arms, was making it worse.


"He's not.  I just put him down.  Do you need me to wake him?"


"No, it's all right."  He paused, "Nat, your uncle..."


"He's got you?  I know how it is.  On one hand, something tells you to detest him.  On the other hand, a voice says, 'take care of that one.'"


He was amazed that she had summed up exactly what he was feeling, with the exception of one thing, "Or, get him a testimonial dinner."


She laughed, "I know.  He's something else."


"He's more than something else.  He's an enigma, at best, but below that is something different...I think I'm confused because I'm envious somehow."


Natalie was surprised to hear it.  "Envious?  How?"


"He's the strongest man I ever met."


"Wait a minute, here, are you actually developing....some kind of admiration for the guy?"


John didn't really answer, instead he said, "Why are you there, and I am here?"


She said, "I don't know.  It's the way things go, I guess."


***


Todd held the baby in the darkness, and sat up, in the bed, and stared at his son's sleeping face.  He said, "Little guy, no one is going to hurt you.  Not while I'm breathing."  He watched Ray sleep, his little breaths coming and going sweetly, and his fist curled up under his chin.  "You've been doing that since you were born, almost," he said.  "Let's go for a little walk," he said, and the baby promptly opened his eyes.  He didn't cry, he just looked into Todd's face and smiled.  Todd smiled back and walked him around the room for a few minutes to try and bring sleep back to him.


Meanwhile, Blair had gone out to the balcony where her oldest son was standing.  Lean and tall, he was a beautiful sight in the moonlight.  She said, "Jack?"


He turned to her and said, "I'm all right."


"Thank you, Jack."


"It wasn't anything, Mom.  I just got the baby for you."


"It's more than that, and you know it.  You're growing up.  You're starting to help your father heal."


He looked at her, and tears were brimming.  "How long can a person . . . how long will he suffer, Mom?"  A pang of the same sadness echoed in her heart.


"I don't know.  It's all within his own mind, now, he just has to overcome that last part.  And, unfortunately, it's the hardest part of all."  Jack turned back to the ocean.  She said,  "What's on your mind, Son?"


"Mom, is he crazy?"


She let out a small laugh, "I don't know.  Who is?  Who's not?  I guess by some people's standards, maybe.  But by mine, no, he's not crazy.  He's been hurt.  He's hurt people, too.  He's devastated at the thought of losing us.  He's obsessed with his family.  But crazy?  I guess can't see him that way.  And if that makes me crazy, then I'll be crazy, too."


"I didn't mean it that way," he said, "I meant, like, what if there's something else, Mom?  Something more bothering him?  Is he going to lose his mind?"


"No, he won't do that.  Trust me, if that were going to happen, it already would have happened, during that time with those maniacs.  It's all downhill from here, he even says so."


Jack turned back to her, tears now evident on his face, "Is he going to leave us again?"


She shook her head no, and before she could speak, Todd appeared at the door behind her.  He said, "No way.  Never.  Come here, Jack," he said, opening his arms to his son.  In a whirl of some tears from the teenager and Todd's reassurances, Blair saw her husband as the man she knew he really was; loving, strong and sane.  She heard him say, "Hey, I'm sorry, Jack.  But I promise, it won't be like this forever."


Jack pulled himself together and said, "I'm going to go to bed, if it's okay.  I'm still really tired.  Sleeping in a boat doesn't work all that well."


"You'll have to tell us more about that later," Todd said.  "Good night, Son."


"Good night, Dad.  Night, Mom."


She went to her son and kissed his cheek, "Night, and thank you Jack for helping with Ray."


Todd looked at Blair and put his long fingers over her lips.  "Don't say I'm a good father. Not now."


She said, "Why, Todd?  What do you want me to say?"


"Nothing," he said, emotionally drained.  "Nothing I can think of."  They sat in the dark for a very long time, silence surrounding them.  The stillness was also echoed inside, as Jack settled back into sleep.


"Maybe you should do the talking.  What happened, my love?"  Blair said, softly.


He swallowed, "It was just a nightmare.  Leona had the baby, I fought him to get Ray back.  I won, and then I looked, and Ray was...he was dead..." he appeared sickened by a memory, and said, "Just . . . it was bad.  I can't describe it, it's too awful.  I just....I couldn't get it out of my head."  He toyed with telling her more, that there was a door, something he was afraid to open, in every dream . . .


"I'm sorry," she said, but a large part of her was also frightened by the image.  She shook it loose from her vision, and said, "Just a terrible dream."


He nodded.  "Jack okay?"


"He's growing up, Todd.  He's really growing up."


"I know.  Soon he will be a man.  Too bad I missed so much of it."


"You're more than making up for it now, at least in his eyes.  He loves you so much, I never thought he would come this far with you."


"Remember when I first got back, he basically wanted nothing to do with me?"


"He was afraid you were going to leave him again."


"Seems like he's still afraid of that."


"Only differently.  Now he's afraid you'll leave without choice.  He's scared for you, Todd.  He's scared for your sanity."


He looked at her, taking in her smoothness, her skin's soft sheen in the moonlight.  "Aren't you?"


"Sometimes. yeah.  But sometimes, I'm scared for my own.  Isn't everyone?"


He looked back to the ocean.  "Well," he said, going back into the room.  He pulled off his pajama pants, and got his swim trunks on.  "Seems like time for a nice swim.  Want to join me?"


She cocked her head to the side, whispering, "You're so unpredictable, Todd.  That's one reason I love you."


"It will do us good," he said, "it's a peaceful night.  Perfect temperature, the moon."


"Don't mind if I do,"  she said, heading into the bathroom, and throwing on her suit.  He became excited just watching her, naked in the dark.  Somehow, his thoughts drifted to touching her, in the water, feeling her slide against him . . .


They spoke in quiet whispers,  almost forgetting that Jack had just fallen asleep.  Once outside the door of the hotel room, he feigned disgust. "Hey, and no funny stuff.  Don't really want to think about anything that has to do with sex in the ocean, if you get my drift."


"Oh, Todd!  Cut it out, that was years ago with Tea, and only once."


"Thank God,"  he said, rolling his eyes.


"Oh, stop!"  She said, playfully whipping him with her beach towel.  He followed her quietly outside.


***


The moonlight was reflecting off the water, and Jack was watching Orinia, who didn't know he was there, walking into the water and letting it wash over her.  Her hair was sparkling in the dark as the moon hit it.  She floated in the ocean, her head just above the surface, and went onto her back, just the tips of her breasts and her toes poking out of the water.   She looked beautiful, and he just wanted to touch her.


Walking close to the edge of the ocean, he realized that as he approached, she kept drifting further and futher away from shore.  He wanted to kiss her; feel her lips on his.  He imagined slipping his tongue between her lips, and an unexpected thrill went through him.  He called to her, but she did not answer.  Instead, she continued to float and the distance between them became greater.  He called her name again, and she did not respond.


He turned from the shore, and headed back to the hotel, discouraged.  When he got to his room, there she was, in wet clothing, that stuck to her body in the bluish light of the moon. He said, "Orinia," and she smiled at him.  


Putting out her hand, she said, in the way only she could, "Jahck."


He woke up, in the dark, and alone, but he sighed.  He wondered if what he was feeling was love as he turned over and tried to return to sleep.


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