The End of Blame: Chapter 8 (mild adult)

After relieving some of the tension in his body, she felt his hands relax in her hair and saw him close his eyes, finally losing the battle to fight sleep.  Though it seemed strange to think and feel it, she loved the taste of him in her mouth.  It had taken her a bit of convincing to let her just focus on him, but he finally gave in, and following her lavish of attention, he immediately went into sleep.  She brushed the hair back from his forehead, and propped herself on her elbow to watch him.  He did not have the most perfect face, but he was stunning, still now, after all the years had passed.  The lines of his features were traced indelibly in her memory and heart.  And with everything that had passed between them, she could not remember a time where she did not love him.  Now, with their new life, as rocky as it had been, she was positive that although she had cared for other men, she had never truly loved anyone else.


His breathing was like solace for her.  Uninterrupted, calm, peaceful.  She took comfort in the atypical sound of being next to him and hearing nothing but quiet.  She remained, watching his profile, and closed her eyes, finally resting her own head on the pillow next to his.


With the quiet rapping on the door and the dimmer sunlight in the room, Blair woke.  She quickly put herself together and went to the door, using the peephole before opening the door and stepping out into the hall.  "John," she said, "Have you got any news?  Jack's somewhere with a young girl, somewhere with a blue cave."


"That sounds about right.  The IP address on that MyFace post was in Zante.  The Ionian Islands.  Most likely Zakynthos."


"We're going to find him.  Aren't we?"


"Probably, yes.  Don't think he's a match for a CIA agent, a frantic mom and Todd Manning."  She laughed a bit, and then acted as though she was concerned about the sound.  John said, "He asleep?"


"Yeah."  She looked wistful, resigned.  "Finally.  He's slept about 2 hours, I don't want to wake him."


"I understand."


"Do you?  Really, John?" she seemed slightly bitter.  He waited, and listened.  "No one really can.  Not until you sleep next to him, night after night, and see his torment."


John swallowed.  He said, "I'm...I don't think I can say anything to that."


"No.  Will you wait for us?  I just can't wake him.  I don't have the heart to spoil any stretch of sleep that's peaceful for him.  God knows, I have to wake him, often."


"Of course I'll wait.  Therapy is not working?"


"It works.  But he's slowed down.  He's been too concerned for me."  She was angry with herself; John could read that.


"He's better, though, much better than before.  He just....he's so tortured.  Sometimes, I don't know how he does it."  She wrung her hands.


John touched her cheek softly.  "It's easy for me to see how."  He brought his hand down.  "He's as much as said it.  He needs you.  You give him whatever it is he has to have to push forward."


She swallowed this time, and then, rubbing her hands through her hair, she said, "Sometimes, I wonder how long it will take until he's well.  I worry so much about him.  He's been through a lot and it doesn't seem to stop.  Just when we think we're ahead, we're a few steps back.  There's no way anyone can understand him."


"You're probably the only person who can really see it for what it is.  You've got the most direct line to understanding him, and knowing what he's up against."


She said, "I'm not sure how much of a blessing that is, or whether it is just a powerful curse.  Some of it is so horrific..." she started to falter, her voice catching in her throat, "that I can barely stand to listen, but I have to.  I have to be there, and hear it and hold him."  She stopped, turning her face from John's.  Looking back, she said, "I just have to."


"You love him.  Always did."


"Yes."  Her voice cracked.  "He's a good man, John, inside.  He just..."


"Don't have to say anything else, Blair.  I think I'm onto what Todd Manning is about.  And, one large part of it is you and your children."


She nodded.  She was startled by a crashing sound, and heard him shouting from inside the room, "I'll kill you, motherfucker.  I'll kill you!"


Though her first response was to run to him, she turned to John first, and said, surprisingly matter-of-factly, "So much for sleep."  She threw the door open, and John waited, immediately forgotten, watching the scene unfold.


He was pinned to the wall, breathing as if in terror, his dreams crossing into his waking.  The state between lucidity and sleep frightened her most; it was when she had to see it all, raw and real, and relive parts of it as he did.  She'd want to wake him, fast, and bring him out of immediately, but Ray had warned about being gradual, as not to set off violence if he felt he were being attacked.


John was astonished as he watched her, skilled as a lioness, move slowly toward him.  "No, Todd, no one is here.  Just me.  Just Blair, it's all right."  She was remarkably calm: an old hat at dealing with him.


He continued to breathe heavily and picked up the lamp, holding it as a weapon in front of him.  The shade toppled off it and he swung it in front of him.  "Don't.  Stop.  Not anymore."


John felt bile in his throat, knowing what the plagued man was likely referring to.  He stood silent.  Something inside him kept his own urge to bring Manning down to a halt, and trust Blair with it instead.


She walked closer slowly.  "You're in Greece.  You're awake, my love.  You're all right.  No one is here.  No one who will hurt you is here.  Only me.  Just us, Todd.  No one else."


His breathing was interrupted with a sob, as he dropped the lamp to the floor.  She heard the glass from the bulb break.  Within seconds, he was on his knees.  She ran to him then, and though they were behind the bed, hidden from John's eyes, he could hear them talking; Blair's "No, it's over, it's not really happening.  It's all right, I'm here;" and Todd's contradictory pleading, "Don't leave me alone.  Please don't leave me here, with him.  With them."


Feeling as if he did not belong there, but compelled to have stayed as long as he did, John moved to the other doorway and knocked.  There was no answer in Viki's room, so he stood, paralyzed, in the hallway, out of eyesight of the door.  Will you wait for us?  She had asked. He was regretting agreeing to.  After learning, first hand, what Manning was dealing with, though he knew it was just the pinhead of the whole experience, John regretted having promised that.


Inside the room, Blair was cradling his head against her, his hands grabbing onto her so tightly, that it was beginning to hurt.  She said, "Honey, let go a little.  You're hurting me."  He loosened his grip and sank against her, realizing he was awake, safe and out of harm's reach.


He said, "It's so real, Blair."


She kissed the top of his head.  "I know, it's all right.  I understand."


"It hurts.  I feel it hurting."


"It's not hurting you now, Todd.  It's not."  She began her ceremonious massaging of his muscles, focusing on his back and lower torso, to his legs.  "See, nothing hurts.  It's not happening now, Todd."


"I'm bleeding.  He said I'll bleed to death."


"You're not bleeding.  Not now.  Look," she put her hands before him.  "There's no blood."


He let out a small desperate sigh, and said, "Leave me, Blair.  I'm crazy.  Leave me and take the kids.  Don't let me near them."


She knew he'd go there.  It was becoming a Manning tradition.  She peeked her head up as tall as she could and looked for John in the doorway.  He was gone.  The door was still cracked open.  She wanted to bring Baby Ray to him, but knew he was gone with Sister Rebecca Katherine, Viki and Sam to the beach.  She held him, and rocked him softly against her.  She searched her pocket for her cell phone.  Not wanting to leave him, she also wanted to ward off Sam, as well as get the baby to Todd.  She said, "No, Todd.  No leaving.  Remember?"


He cried.  "You have to.  They're not safe around me.  I'm....I'm not okay, Blair, I'm just not."


She wondered, for a moment, why it was becoming worse instead of better.  This was something she would have to contemplate later.  "You will be.  They can't live without their father.  They love you.  They idolize you, like I do."


He didn't respond, just with sadness.  Her cell phone was not in her pocket, but she realized it was on the floor, knocked off the bed table in his terror.  She reached for it, and with one hand, hurriedly texted John to go and get the family from the beach and included the other directions about who to send where.


Todd finally calmed, but was in deep distress.  She could still feel his heart racing, and she said, "That was a bad one.  It must have been something very horrible.  But it's gone.  Listen to me, it's gone.  I'm so sorry, Todd."


"I'm not sure what's worse, Leona, Hesser...my 'father.'"


She thought she could answer it, but held back, letting him take the lead.  She would call Ray Martino as soon as she could, but now, her focus was with him.  His breathing was starting to recover, when Sister Rebecca Katherine appeared at the door, with Baby Ray in her arms.  John was behind her; Viki and Sam were not in sight.  She walked in and said, "Oh my, this little guy here is asking for ya."


Todd looked up, and his face flushed with both embarrassment and relief.  She handed the baby to Todd, who moved to a sitting position and took his son in his arms.  Holding him close, he closed his eyes, taking in his baby-scent, and hearing him make cooing sounds over his shoulder.


Todd looked at Blair and she simply said, "No one is leaving you, Todd."


He picked the baby back up off his shoulder and said, "Dad's not doing so good, Buddy.  But I'm going to change all that.  I'm going to get better so I can sleep and be a good Dad."


Throughout all this, John was beside himself with a combination of knowledge, pity, understanding and disgust, that left a vile taste in his mouth and a hollow feeling in his stomach.  Todd saw him, and said, "So, McBlack, you've seen what the freak is all about?"


"I just got here," he said.  Blair gave him her best "thank you" eyes.  Sister Rebecca Katherine said nothing.


"Oh, you didn't miss much."  He was still cradling his son's head in one palm.  "It's a laugh riot around here."


Blair suddenly appeared very tired.  Sister Rebecca Katherine said, "So, Mr. McBain, what brings ya here?"


"I have information.  I think I know where those kids are."


Todd said, "Then, let's go get them."


John wished he could think of a way to get Todd to stay behind.  He really felt the guy just needed to sleep.  His eyes appeared sunken, his color was off.  It was obvious sleep deprivation was taking its toll.  He also knew he would never be able to stop him from trying to find his son.  "All right.  Make an airline reservation, will ya?"


"I can do that, yeah."  Todd said, now becoming calmer in the presence of his child and reality.  He was still holding and playing with Ray, who cooed and laughed when Todd made faces at him.  The contrast of it made John feel as if he were dreaming himself.  Todd handed the baby to Blair and got to his feet, but John noticed it took a bit of doing; he was unsteady.  He said, "I'm going to hit the showers,' and vanished into the highly polished bathroom.  His hair was sticking to him around his face from sweat.


John stood, outside the cracked door.   He pulled his cell phone out and searched to see if he still had Ray Martino's number in his contact list.  He moved to call him, then thought better of it and put his phone away.  


Blair started crying immediately upon hearing the shower start.  Sister Rebecca Katherine sat on the floor next to her, and put her hand on her shoulder.  "Dear.  Let me take the baby.  He'll be upset if you're crying."


She handed Ray to her, and sobbed into her hand.  "He's so. . . something's there, Sister, gnawing.  What if I can't help him?"


"You cannot give up.  Who was it who got him to realize he was all right?  Who had the sense to bring the baby to him?  How can ya say you're not helping him, Lass, that makes no sense?"


"I can't.  I can't get him past this, I can't help him rest.  He needs help, Sister.  And something is bothering him, so much. It's like everything is becoming worse.  Ever since we got the call about Jack, he's been spiraling."


"I don't propose to know more than you do, Bridgette, about him, but he's just remembered the things done to him by Hesser's men.  It must be bringing up his childhood memories of the same abuse.   Perhaps that is why."


Blair said, "I don't know, but it's getting worse and worse the less he sleeps.  He's...I'm scared for him, Sister."


"Now, now," she said, comforting her, "He will be all right.  If he could live with the torture and the terrible things all those years, he can live with the memories while he has you, and the baby and Sam, Starr and Jack."


She pulled herself together, "Which is why we need to find Jack, now.  Even though he's done this stupid thing, his father needs him."


"Yes, that's true.  He'll get a talking to from me, that one."


"And me.  Maybe him being missing has thrown Todd deeper into this."


"It's possible.  But whatever it is, you're right, he needs help.  And it's probably more than ya can give him."


Blair nodded.  She said, "I know it could sound crazy, but I wish it were me instead.  I can't stand watching him like this.  He hates himself already, to have these things inside him.  He must be so torn up.  And to be honest, when I'm suffering, he somehow forgets his own.  He was...he was everything to me during. . . the Sommer thing."


"I know he was.  He loves ya, dear heart.  He loves ya more than himself."


John, wishing to give them their peace before the trek, moved toward the lobby.  He pushed the elevator button and realized that for the first time in years, his hands were shaking.


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