The Fourth Life: Chapter 19

Blair was still holding Todd in her arms, and rocking slowly, and he looked up to her and said, "You deserve better than to be on some rooftop with some fucked-up victim.  That's what I am now, and nothing more."


He was still emotional, but he was calmer.  She said, "How can you even think that?  You've fought back against the real men who did this, you've fought back against the memories, and you've fought back against the catatonia.  How come you didn't retreat inside yourself when you saw Jack in that costume?  You always used to.  In fact, Hesser used it against you several times to render you powerless.  Why not?"


He swallowed and said, "I never told you about that," he said, "It was you, Blair.  You told me to go back and face him.  The last time I went into my safe place, you told me to go back."


"That wasn't me, Todd, that was you.  That was you telling yourself to go back to us and face it.  I wasn't there, you know that."


He nodded.  "I can't do this anymore.  I can't bring you into this Hell anymore than you already are.  I can't do this to the kids.  Sam.  His face.  He was terrified of me.  Jack, I could have...I could have..."



"Stop.  You didn't.  It's over with and you didn't.  I'm not leaving you, Todd.  You can't expect that."


"I'm tired Blair, of fighting, of thinking about thinking, of reliving it all.  I just want to go.  I want to go away from it,"  He closed his eyes.


"It will get better.  Now that you've said it, it will."


"That's exactly what I would say,"  Ray said.  Todd looked up and saw Ray standing there, wind blowing his hair and pajamas.  He wore a sweatshirt over them.


"I'm a mess, Ray."  He said, his voice cracking.


"No, you're not a mess Todd.  The world is a mess, the situation is, but you're not."


"I'm dangerous.  I almost..."


"You did what any father would do to protect himself and his family.  That's all this was.  You thought, even if irrational, that someone was coming to hurt you and them.  What else would you do?  If a man broke into my house, and I thought I was in danger or in danger of leaving my family alone to fight him, I'd do whatever it took."


He looked up and saw Jack, hanging back, still in the robe with the hood off his head.  "Let him go downstairs, Ray, he shouldn't see me like this."


"I don't agree with you, Todd.  He has something he needs to say, you probably do.  If that doesn't work the way I think it will, then he goes.  First, Jack, put the hood up.  Do as I tell you."


Jack stepped forward and gingerly pulled the hood up over his head.  He stood, arm outstretched as Ray directed.  He said, "Todd, what do you feel looking at him?"


"Nothing.  He's my son, he's in a costume."  He sniffed, and remarkably, Blair offered him her sleeve to wipe his eyes.  He took it.


"The costume, on anyone, would have sent you into blackness, and you know that.  I'm not sure what went on here with Blair, or in Ireland, but you're defeating this, and you're not seeing it.  It seems bleak, it seems unending, but it isn't."


He thought about it, and realized that both Blair and Ray were right about the Grim Reaper costume.  It hadn't done what it usually did, or had done for the last eight years.  It had started to lose its effect on him, and roused him to fight, not retreat.  


"It seems like an endless hole."  Todd said.


"It's not."  Ray answered.


Todd said, "Jack, I'm sorry, I didn't know it was you."


"I know, Dad.  That was what I was trying to tell you."


Todd let a small laugh out, despite himself.  "I would never..."


"I know Dad, I was trying to tell you that, too.  I wasn't afraid of you, I'm still not.  I guess maybe I was afraid of your sad stuff, because I thought it meant something it doesn't.  You're strong, Dad.  I don't know anyone who can take what you can.  Totally badass."


Todd literally jumped up off the rooftop, and away from Blair's arms, and walked over and grabbed his son, bringing him to him and holding him.  He said, "Don't let my pain fool you, it has nothing to do with anything about you, ever, Jack.  Someday, you'll know all of it.  Right now, don't let my pain scare you.  People....need to express their emotions around things that have happened to them.  Right Ray, isn't that the way it is supposed to be?"


Blair, smiled up at her husband, proud, and shifting to a sitting position with her legs crossed under her, put her head into her hand and cried.  Ray said, "Yeah, Todd.  Exactly.  Jack, time to go.  And burn that outfit, will you?"


Todd pulled back from Jack, and putting his hand at the base of the back of his son's neck, he said, "I love you, son."


Jack said, "I love you too, Dad," and walked slowly backward toward the glass pane door, then turned.  Once there, he looked back at his father one more time, and not knowing how else to say it, he gave him the thumbs up.


Todd sighed, and gathered his thoughts.  "Ray, there's something you should know.  I...with Blair's help, I know I have to tell you something to help with my recovery."  He looked back at her; she looked tiny, sitting cross-legged.  Her hair was blowing all around her, and her silk pajamas were ruffling in the wind.  A sudden calm came over him.  "During my captivity for the eight years I was missing, I was Peter's victim again, just with a proxy.  My father's abuse was reenacted, I don't know how often, but it was."  Then he said, "Like everything, it gets easier to say once you say it."


"I'm very glad you are able to verbalize this, Todd.  I am glad you're facing it.  It won't be long then, before you are pieced fully back together.  It won't be overnight, but I've been waiting for this step since we started."


"You knew, huh?"


"Yeah, I had a feeling.  Blair did, too.  Since you came back and would fade in and out of reality.  She actually brought it to my attention, quite a long time back."


He looked at her, "It never mattered?"


"No, I told you, nothing matters, except your death.  As long as you're here, nothing can change how I feel about you."  She said and she smiled through tears.


His forehead and eyebrows moved back, and she recognized the expression that followed as one of relief and acceptance.  He said, "Come here."


She got up and ran to him, and they embraced.  Pulling back from the hug, he kissed her, gently, on the lips, and looking into her eyes, he said, "I guess I found my safe place, and it's out here, not in here," he said, pointing to his head.


Ray said.  "Now, we'll work on this when I see you next, which I expect to be this week.  Night, Todd."


"Thank you, Ray.  Thank you for coming out here."


"It's all right, Todd."  Looking around and taking a long breath of the fresh air, he said, "Nice night," and turned and left.


The two of them, alone on the roof, looked at each other.  They started walking toward the bedroom, and she said, "I told you, if you just opened up..."


He said, "I know, I know, but it's not that simple.  I was afraid you...that you might not..."


"You were wrong, all right, let's just chalk it up to you being wrong about me and this."  She knew where his head was, and what he was fearing.  "I'd never not love you, Todd, and want you.  Even when I hated what you were doing to my life, all those years back, I loved you so much."


"I was afraid, I thought you...."


"I know what you thought,"  she said, taking his earlobes in her hands, "is it wrong for me to want you so much, even right now?  That no matter what you do, I find you incredibly sexy?"


"No, I'd say that's pretty right."  He said, then hesitated, "It's just..."


They were interrupted by the sound of little feet.  "Mom, is Dad mad at us?"  Sam said.


Todd somehow pulled it all together that moment, and said, enthusiastically, "Sam!  Come here buddy!"


Sam ran to him, and jumped.  Todd caught him, "You're not still afraid are you?  I mean, I screwed that one up pretty bad, huh?  I was just so afraid that someone was coming to hurt you guys.  It was Jack.  Imagine?"


"Yeah, I was pretty scared for a minute, Dad.  You said you were going to kill him."



"But that was before I knew it was Jack.  I thought he was a bad guy, like Lex Luthor, coming in."


"Lex?  Oh no, Dad, that would be bad."


"Yeah, or maybe he was, like, Sandman."


"And it was only Jack!"  Sam said, getting slightly giggly.


"It was only Jack."


"Jack said you'd never hurt us."


"Never.  Love you too much," he said, crossing through the bedroom, and then leaving the room to bring Sam to bed.  Blair, followed, watching them go, sat on the bed and put her hand on her stomach.  "Well, little girl, there's your Daddy."

He came back to the room.  "Where were we?  You trying to convince me I'm not a total turnoff?"


"Shhhh.  None of that talk.  Tonight, I give you my special treatment."


"Oh really, now what is that about?"  He said, his eyes still tearing.


"It's about massage, it's about soft music that we love, it's about me singing a few bars here and there, and maybe a bath..." she looked into his eyes, "No expectations.  None.  Only yours.  Your wish is going to be my command, my Prince."


He closed his eyes, and felt her touch his cheek and trace his scar with her fingertips.  He put his hand to her lips, and then to his scar, and she leaned over and traced it with her tongue.  At that moment, he was feeling damn lucky that he never had it removed.  


***


Jack walked into the den, which was pitch black and silent.  He turned on a light, and to his surprise, Shaun was sitting in the dark, elbows resting on his knees, hands clasped in front of him.  He wasn't sure, but he thought Shaun might be crying.  Embarrassed and also feeling intrusive, he made move to go and heard, "Don't."


Jack said, "Shaun, I'm sorry, are you..."


"Am I okay?  No, Jack, not really."  He sounded like he had a cold.


Jack said, "I can leave you alone..."


"No, you come in here and sit down."  Jack did as he was asked.  He was tired, his eyes were red, his cheeks had remnants of tears on them.  He looked at Shaun, and saw that he, big, muscle-bound Shaun, was also crying.  "Yeah, I'm crying."  Shaun said, "I'm crying for a whole lot of reasons."  He sniffed, and then caught his breath. 


"What did you want to say to me?"  The teen got brazen, just wanting to get it over with.  Chastised for wearing the costume (how could he know), punished for coming in late, something...


"Jack, I'm crying because of what I heard your father just say to your mother on top of this beautiful home that he built and bought for you all to live in.  Heck, for us all."


Jack swallowed, "What did you hear?"


"Some of it, I'll let him decide to tell you about.  Some of it, you should hear.  I heard him tell your mother to leave him.  To take you kids and leave him and never come back."


Jack scrunched his face up in confusion.  "Why would he say that?"


"He's afraid of hurting you.  He's had a track record of hurting people, in the past.  He's afraid of his own pain, in the future, what it might make him do.  But he's wrong, and you know that."


"I told him.  I told him that."


"I'm sure that meant a lot to him.  But I also heard him tell your mother more details about what he went through.   About some things, he could not remember before, that he remembers now.  It's tearing him apart, and as sure as I'm sitting here," he faltered a little, "I can't imagine living to tell about it, never mind facing it."


Jack swallowed again, and said, "Is he all right?  Will he die, Shaun?"


"He's all right kid.  As good as he can be.  Heck, he's made it this far, with all of that," he sniffed in more tears.  Others were visible on his face, and he made no move to hide them, "why give up living now?"


"I don't know."


"You know what, kid, you do know.  You know.  He's told you enough, that a smart kid like you, who thinks he's twenty-five years old, can figure it all out.  A kid like you who thinks he has a right to drink to hide his measly pains, while his parents scramble to hold on to their love, the only thing they have had to stop either one from going off a roof."


Jack became silent.  His mind was a mass of thought; remembering his mother's stories about her upbringing, the children she lost; hearing his father tell he and Starr about his sexual abuse as a child; thinking of the things that man did to his father in captivity and his scars.  He couldn't find words, so he squirmed in his seat and continued to listen.  


"Your mother had a terrible life as a child.  Addie was mentally ill, you know that, and your mother was the product of rape.  You also know that.  She was shipped to all kinds of people and places to live.  She never had a family until your father came along.  Your father, a rapist and ex-con, who no one in this world would even touch.  And somehow, they made a life together, as bumpy as it was, and they made Starr.  And they made you.  And they made that little precious baby up there.  And they'll make more, if God lets them."


"I know."


"If you know, man, then why do you think you have a right to escape your pain with some booze, when you're watching them go through every day facing it all head on?  Don't you appreciate what they have given you?  You're a rich kid, who because of circumstances, got away with something pretty powerful, and has the best of everything.  And you go and show them your love by drinking?  By poisoning yourself and blurring your life?  So you can feel numb?"


Jack felt the guilt lodged in his throat like a too-big piece of food.  He couldn't swallow it down, nor could he get it back up.  He waited, silent.


Shaun went on, "You think your father hasn't wished he was numb while that maniac brutalized him?  Or when he woke up screaming?  You're worried about you, and how his pain affected you, what it means for your life.  Don't you realize he's probably wanted to be numb every hour of the day since he came back here, not to mention when he was actually going through it?"


Jack began to cry.


"Good, I'm glad you're crying, boy.  You need to cry.  Not for yourself either.  You need to be crying for that man up there, who has faced every single demon a human can, and still come back to you, and still went head on to face it again, so that his wife and little baby wouldn't.  Now you get your shit together, and you get away from the booze, for good.  And if you're in pain, then FEEL IT, and deal with it.  Now, come here," he said, grabbing Jack to him, like a rag doll, and holding him.  Jack's tears fell on his shoulder, and Shaun himself still sent water from his eyes onto his face.


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